Does this sound right - financially?

[Magictoothfairy]

I earn approx £1250 a month.
The houses im looking at are about £1k rent a month. I’ve two dc, 12 and 5 and I’ve used the universal credit calculator. I’ve no savings and no other income sources. It says £316 a week - total. Does this seem about right? Approx £2.5k a month with what I earn and UC, rent will take £1k, bills, food, council tax another £1k ish? Leaving me with £500. Out of which will come approx £200 on childcare actually. Hadn’t thought of that. £300 a month spare then, after this.
I’m anticipating DH having the dc 50% of the time so I won’t get any child maintenance. I’m hoping on the above it’ll just about be manageable because I will have to buy all the dc’s clothes and fund any hobbies or costs like glasses and school holiday childcare etc from my money. It’s unlikely DH will contribute anything. DH earns over £150k but from what I’ve heard I don’t think he will need to pay me anything as the courts favour a clean break.

Why do you want to end your marriage?

@Magictoothfairy

I have no assets in my name but we are married. It just seems unfair to say I want a divorce - which he won’t want - oh and I want your money too.

Then maybe he should have worked more on his marriage then.

He signed a contract, just like you did.

That's about child maintenance above

I don’t want to have to upset him any more than it’s going to.
He won’t want me to have a penny. It’ll be much much easier to take as little as possible. I think £2.5k is manageable if I recoup childcare costs and I might be able to increase to 30hours in September. That would give me a bit extra - although the UC would then maybe come down and I’d have more childcare costs which I’d have to pay 15% of so would have to cost up if it were worth it for my dd being in childcare more which she hates anyway. But nothing about their childhoods is going to be ideal, unfortunately.

I’m just not very happy.
I know that sounds trite but I’ve been not very happy for a really really really really long time and I’ve held on in there but I don’t think it’s going to get better. I am the least important person in my house by a long chalk and it makes me sad.
I am just unhappy. Maybe it won’t be any better, maybe it’ll be worse, but I just don’t know what else to do.

@Magictoothfairy

He won’t pay for their clothes etc because he doesn’t now - I pay for them from my wages. But I’m not currently covering rent etc so I can afford to.

If he has them 50% of the time he also has to cover 50% of their costs, so clothes, school trips, activitys, clubs and childcare

Sounds like he has been financially abusing you for years. He has done a proper job on you if you now believe that you shouldn't be entitled to anything.

He has done well in his career and paid off the mortgage because you being the primary carer for the dc enabled him to do this.

Speak to a solicitor. Get proper legal and financial advice. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for the long term interests of your dc.

Op
I don’t want to have to upset him any more than it’s going to.
He won’t want me to have a penny.

These two are related aren’t they?

You are mad. I mean this nicely. There is getting what you and your children need and then there is dividing up every last teaspoon. You don't need to go for the jugular but your children need two comfortable homes.
I believe (only anecdotal) that due to the huge disparity in earnings that you may indeed get CMS.

I just feel guilty and taking anything off him will make me feel guiltier.

OP what will absolutely NOT help your situation is if you skint yourself in the hope of making him more amenable. It won’t, and you know it.

You only have to fight this battle once.

Can you spell out why you feel guilty?

You need to grasp the bull by the horns here or you can look forward to an impoverished old age.

@Magictoothfairy

The house is mortgage free and worth approx £280k and I don’t know what DH has in savings etc, nothing is in my name. I’ve used any savings I had during my marriage. I think he has approx £60k in premium bonds and more in savings plus his pension. However my mindset is I don’t really want any of it because I didn’t earn it and he won’t want the divorce, it’ll be me instigating it. Therefore I don’t feel it is fair to lay claim on anything that isn’t mine. That said, I don’t want to be worrying about clothing and feeding the dc. It’s tricky.

You gave your career up to look after your children, you need to claim everything that you can for your children's sake as well as yours.

I feel guilty because he won’t want to split. And so I’m already going to be upsetting him and it will not be amicable. It’s going to be awful.
It’ll be harder still if I ask for money from him. Much better to leave him be.

I think you posted about this a few days or so ago? If that was you, you are being financially and emotionally abused. I’d leave and don’t agree to 50/50 for the kids. You will survive ok on your salary plus UC while you regain your strength and focus on getting the right division of time for the kids. Once you feel stronger you really should go for 50% of all assets minimum.

No I’ve not posted about this.

If you feel guilty just ask for 50% rather than the bigger percentage you'd probably get in court. You've probably saved him tens of thousands in childcare over the years.

He can't just not pay for clothes and other expenses. If he's abusive perhaps the kids need different wardrobes at yours and his so you don't have to chase him for 50% of the bill?

@Magictoothfairy

I just feel guilty and taking anything off him will make me feel guiltier.

You feel guilty for whats legally half yours. Just because you didn't pay financially, you did pay emotionally and raise the kids whilst he furthered his career, by your own admittance he pad nothing towards clothing etc for the children. So what if he doesn't like it.

Just get a solictor and let them get what you are entitled to.
Don't worry about whether you husband wat to pay out or not, that choice isn't his to make.

A

What you are saying is that you know he is going to make your life hell.
No wonder you want to leave.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get what you are entitled to.

FWIW I’d go and see a lawyer before telling him you want to separate so you are approaching things the best way possible

OP, why are you so scared of upsetting him? What do you think he will do?

You may have been brainwashed by his emotional abuse into thinking you are unimportant but this is NOT true.

You matter. Your children matter. You have as much right to be financially secure as your hopefully soon to be ex. You have worked just as hard bringing up his children as he has at work. Probably harder.

I am so angry with him on your behalf

Whoops! !

The two biggest mistakes people make when getting divorced are:

• not going for what you are entitled to because you feel guilty or because you think if you are super nice your ex will come back to you

• giving away too much because of the same reasons

@Magictoothfairy

I just feel guilty and taking anything off him will make me feel guiltier.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, op, but You're being ridiculous. And a bit of a martyr. Think of it this way: you might not think YOU deserve it, but I bet you think your dc deserve to be financially secure, don't you? That's possible by accepting what is legally yours - put it into a savings account for the dc if that helps. But please, for the love of god don't think you shouldn't, just because you feel bad.

You need to prioritise your children. Make sure you get enough money for them to have a decent house etc and a mum who isn’t a wreck worrying about money.

Why did you give up your career? Was it to look after children/house? In which case you need some financial recognition for that.