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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

DH is happier back with his parents

89 replies

Tickatickboom · 14/03/2021 15:18

Just trying to get my head around DH choosing to live with his parents over me. He's a good Dad, loves his DCs and we have a fair split of childcare.

Things have been tough for a while, I asked him to move out for a few months, hoping that this would snap him into action and fight for our marriage.

However, it's had the opposite effect. He's happier at his parents' home and intends on staying there. He gets fillet steak for dinner, all his washing done, no cleaning, few responsibilities so I should probably have seen it coming.

I know I'm better off without him, but struggling with the rejection.
Any warm advice?

OP posts:

Toomanycats99 · 14/03/2021 15:19

My ex moans about being at his parents but doesn't make much effort to get job and move out!

He doesn't really have any responsibilities and gets a nice easy life there!

gutful · 15/03/2021 02:33

He isn’t in love with you

Sounds like you sensed this & gave him an ultimatum

Now you have your answer

It is unreasonable to expect someone to stay in a marriage “for the children” which is essentially what you’re saying here.

Angelina1972 · 15/03/2021 03:01

Oh gosh what a selfish man, you poor thing.
I wonder if he will feel stifled and bored there, when the novelty wears off. By which time you may be so fed up that you won’t want him to come back home!
What is your relationship like with his parents? They should be encouraging him to get back to you and his children, and not to be a part time dad. Have you tried to talk to them about what they see as a realistic future, of him living with them indefinitely?
You don’t have to make any hard and fast decisions if you don’t want to.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/03/2021 05:08

Why would you want such a baby back?

He clearly isn’t the man you wanted as a partner.

Enjoy your time when he has the children. You probably have more time now than you did before catering to his needs.

Longdistance · 15/03/2021 05:21

He can bloody well stay there. His parents may get fed up with him.
Was he that lazy living with you? What was the trigger for him moving out?

MessAllOver · 15/03/2021 06:08

Are his parents happy to have him back indefinitely? They may be spoiling him now but, contrary to what he may believe, most people are not happy to have a middle-aged manchild lounging around the house indefinitely. What a pathetic excuse for an adult.

Darker · 15/03/2021 06:13

How long has he been there?

Does he have the children over regularly?

I suspect his parents are indulging him for now, enjoying seeing the grandchildren etc but will get fed up if he overstays his welcome.

GreenBalaclava · 15/03/2021 06:16

You hoped this would be a wake up call for him but sadly it's proves that he is just as shallow and selfish as you suspected. Still, I guess this was the point of the exercise (ie bringing things to a head, one way or the other) so you can now proceed with a divorce knowing that you gave him a fair chance.

TabithaTeacake · 15/03/2021 06:16

Please tell us that when he comes to visit the kids that you are not sleeping with him ?

Original poster

Tickatickboom · 15/03/2021 06:25

I'm absolutely not sleeping with him.

He has the DCs at their house 2-3 evenings a week and comes over on his way to work to make them breakfast 3x a week.

Inlaws seem to be enjoying the set up, his mother dotes on him and they get to see the DCs regularly. As far as I know, they've had no conversation with DH about coming home.

I feel quite resentful as he has a family to go home to, whereas I don't, I just have my DCs. He seems so much jollier than he did when he was here with us.

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 15/03/2021 06:35

How old are your DC? Why don't the DC sleep over with him and he does school/nursery runs? He needs to get the full picture of what coparenting will be like. For example, who takes responsibility for clean clothes, schoolbags etc.? Time to start sharing that.

TabithaTeacake · 15/03/2021 06:36

At least you don't do that !
What do you want to happen. Do you want him to come back?
If you feel the marriage is over , I guess it's not your business where he is living. Is he contributing to looking after your kids / paying for them / living costs etc ?

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2021 06:37

Are you sure he doesn't have a new girlfriend

DinosaurDiana · 15/03/2021 06:37

What a baby !
Be glad you don’t have to cook and clean for him.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 15/03/2021 06:39

Tell him that's absolutely fine OP. Ask him where the children will be sleeping at his parents house every other weekend, when he will be having custody of his kids. Then go and find yourself a solicitor.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 15/03/2021 06:44

In all seriousness, he's shown you who he is here. An absolute lazy arse who wants to be waited on hand and foot. He should be pissed off he's not seeing his kids every day. I can understand why you are pissed off. But he's made his mind up. So you need to accept he's not going to step up and be the man you need him to be.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/03/2021 06:47

God how embarrassing for him. He’s really proved he’s a complete manchild hasn’t he?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/03/2021 06:49

Wow so hed rather be babies by mummy than live a real adult life. Id run for the hills and find myself a real man!

MessAllOver · 15/03/2021 06:49

Agree with @Moomoolandmoomooland. If you want to rock the applecart, serve divorce papers and start talking about shared parenting. Also, start enjoying having him out of the house. Drop his things off at his parents, start making decorating changes. Take his choice away by beginning to build a future which doesn't involve him. At the moment, he's playing you because he holds all the cards - he can come and go as he pleases.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/03/2021 06:51

Id be so ashamed if my son behaved like that. I can tell you that if my soneft his wife and came home I would certainly not be doing his cooking and cleaning. He would be doing mine.

drspouse · 15/03/2021 06:54

If he stays at his parents, his mum will do the actual parenting anyway.

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2021 06:56

I don’t think asking someone to move out in thr hope it will make them realise what they are missing is a good idea when the relationship isn’t working, of course moving to a stress free environment is going to be better for them. It’s better to try to work together on the marriage, whilst still effectively in it.

The bottom line is something drove you both to split in thr first place. Whatever it was is real. I think you both now need to talk about making it permanent Ie divorce and custody. You will need to expect when this is done, he will get his own place.

I doubt this is as simple as he’s lazy and likes being looked after. So prefers his mother’s home. It’s whatever caused the split in the first place he’s happier now he’s out of that environment. Although I’m sure he’s enjoying the initial respite of it.

As said, I’m sorry op, but I think you both need to start to discuss divorce.

cptartapp · 15/03/2021 07:03

Doesn't sound like a fair split of childcare to me. No wonder he's so jolly. 24/7 care half the week would be a fair split. Not two nights and popping in for breakfast.
You're being used.

Original poster

Tickatickboom · 15/03/2021 07:04

He has DCs for one overnight at the moment as they're a little unsettled by it and only small.
I seem to spend a lot of my time cleaning and tidying when they're not here so not getting as much free time as I'd liked.
I'm still doing the washing, bags, morning school runs etc whilst working, he doesn't have any of that. When he comes here, he's very helpful and will vacuum whilst he's here, sort the bins out, clean the kitchen. He acknowledges that I have all the jobs to do here and he doesn't.

I've sent clothes there for them, but they often come back again.

I wish I had more time to myself, but at the same time, don't want to be away from DCs either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tickatickboom · 15/03/2021 07:05

He goes to work at 7.30am hence why I take DCs to school as I start work later. He and his parents do the pick-ups between them mostly- (DH does 1).

OP posts:

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