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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DH is happier back with his parents

89 replies

Tickatickboom · 14/03/2021 15:18

Just trying to get my head around DH choosing to live with his parents over me. He's a good Dad, loves his DCs and we have a fair split of childcare.

Things have been tough for a while, I asked him to move out for a few months, hoping that this would snap him into action and fight for our marriage.

However, it's had the opposite effect. He's happier at his parents' home and intends on staying there. He gets fillet steak for dinner, all his washing done, no cleaning, few responsibilities so I should probably have seen it coming.

I know I'm better off without him, but struggling with the rejection.
Any warm advice?

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 15/03/2021 07:31

What is it you want? For the relationship to work out? For him to be struggling and sad? What is the ideal scenario for you?

The fact that he is happier now tells you all you need to know. Mummy doing everything for him and he laps it up like a big child. Yuck.

Do you think maybe he is seeing someone?

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2021 07:42

Agree you need to decide what you want. The marriage is over. So what do you want? What split in custody? Have you started to look at the financials?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/03/2021 07:47

How old is he?

Original poster
Tickatickboom · 15/03/2021 08:04

He's 39.
Yes, looked into finances and seen a solicitor etc. I have a rough plan in place now.

In all honesty? Without being flamed? I wanted him to go "oh, shit" and change his selfish behaviours. But I think as one poster rightly puts it upthread, he isn't in love with me anymore so is never going to do that.

OP posts:
FreeFallingFree · 15/03/2021 08:10

I'm sorry you feel rejected but it doesn''t sound as though you want the marriage to continue, it sounds as though you think it is over and want him to be miserable? While that's understandable to a degree, cultivating bitterness seems likely to do more damage to you and your relationships than him in the long term. Moving on with the divorce, sorting out financials and getting on with your life will likely be a more positive approach. And while counselling is not a panacea it might be worth looking into arranging some for the evenings when the kids are with him, to talk through your feelings with someone removed from the situation. Hopefully, with Covid restrictions easing and summer coming there will be more chances for you to get out and enjoy life more in the coming months, as your ex is now enjoying his, and things will feel more 'even.'

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2021 08:11

It’s just a huge risk op, when a relationship is so bad, that one of you is moving out, to think it will suddenly make them want to be with you. It’s more likely they will think well this is so much easier.

Have you both sat down and talked? Talked about divorce and the implications of it?

Ideasplease322 · 15/03/2021 08:16

It’s not their rolw to encourage him back to you. They may not think that is the best thing for him or for you.

It doesn’t sound like the marriage is worth saving, and they are probably best staying out of it.

I know it’s hard, but if it’s a completion between where he has the easiest life, then why would you want him? Why would you want a marriage like that. He doesn’t miss you, he doesn’t term to be with you. That’s the issue- not what his dad is cooking him for tea.

It all sounds a bit 1950s. You deserve better

RandomMess · 15/03/2021 08:43

You need to stop him visiting and he needs to have the DC overnight 2-3 nights per week and doing all the work that comes with it.

He's get the best of both worlds whilst you get the worst.

Sure he can't take the DC to school so either he gets childcare or drops them home to you.

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2021 08:53

@RandomMess

You need to stop him visiting and he needs to have the DC overnight 2-3 nights per week and doing all the work that comes with it.

He's get the best of both worlds whilst you get the worst.

Sure he can't take the DC to school so either he gets childcare or drops them home to you.

She can’t stop him visiting his own house for gods sake and they need to put the kids first. Not use them as weapons in their war.

The issues they habe between them they need to sort out between them, but suggesting she weaponises her children is appalling. He should stop visiting or have the kids over night only if it’s in the children’s best interests.

RandomMess · 15/03/2021 08:57

The marriage is over, he isn't coming back to the marriage.

How confusing is the current situation for the DC? They need to move on.

He has a decision to make but the current situation is not fair on the op or the DC.

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2021 09:02

@RandomMess

The marriage is over, he isn't coming back to the marriage.

How confusing is the current situation for the DC? They need to move on.

He has a decision to make but the current situation is not fair on the op or the DC.

I agree, they need to make a decision. The marriage is clearly over and was when he moved out. So they now need to sit down and discuss next steps.
Twisty333 · 15/03/2021 09:06

I don't know .. it sounds like everyone is better off now? He's happy where he is. You aren't stuck with someone who doesn't love you. The kids get to see their grandparents and likewise for the grandparents. It didn't turn out how you expected but maybe you can find a silver lining?

Tigger001 · 15/03/2021 09:17

She can’t stop him visiting his own house for gods sake and they need to put the kids first. Not use them as weapons in their war.

The issues they habe between them they need to sort out between them, but suggesting she weaponises her children is appalling. He should stop visiting or have the kids over night only if it’s in the children’s best interests.

Absolutely this. Yes OP is so going to be tough but you need to sit down and have the conversation now on how you move forward in the best way for everyone, keeping the child best interest at the front of that. Not withdrawing contact as a way of punishing him for not loving you anymore.

He has shown ,that sadly, he is not happy being part of the family unit at home, so you need to see where you both go next.

Tal45 · 15/03/2021 09:18

Urrgggh, the reason he's happier now is that he's a complete mummies boy. He didn't want an equal he wanted someone to take over the mothering role, you didn't want to do that so now he's happier back at mummies. If you really want him back you'll need to take on that role and stop making him feel selfish - or you could decide you don't want another overgrown child and move on xxx

RandomMess · 15/03/2021 09:25

Was never about withdrawing contact it is about them sharing parenting and actually having contact with the DC where he is caring for them as a parent including the work that goes with it.

Having them overnight means he gets to see them for breakfast and gets to put them to bed.

At the minute the OP and the DH are both shielding themselves and the DC from the harsh reality of separating which means no almost daily cosy family time together.

giletrouge · 15/03/2021 09:49

So - you know the marriage is over - but does he?
Because he might just be a wallowing in comfort never really needing change kinda guy who is then terribly shocked when you tell him you want a divorce.

MessAllOver · 15/03/2021 09:52

It sounds like you mean to share parenting so maybe start thinking about what you'd like your parenting plan to look like, OP.

50/50 on expenses, you do all school drop offs, he does all school pick-ups and shared weekends seems a fair starting-point. Of course, he's not then getting any overnights during the week with the kids, but maybe that's OK if he's having 2/3 evenings with them. A cleaner arrangement would be to have set days but, if you can keep the arrangement civil, this might work better for you both.

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2021 14:18

@Tal45

Urrgggh, the reason he's happier now is that he's a complete mummies boy. He didn't want an equal he wanted someone to take over the mothering role, you didn't want to do that so now he's happier back at mummies. If you really want him back you'll need to take on that role and stop making him feel selfish - or you could decide you don't want another overgrown child and move on xxx
I don’t think you can make that assumption. The relationship was going through a very hard time. To the extent they decided to split.

Even if his mother did fuck all for him, being out of a difficult relationship is often a much happier position to be in.

I’m guessing you’ve never had a relationship go wrong or you’d not habe written your post. But when a relationship breaks down it becomes very stressful to be in that environment snd almost anything is better.

Crimeismymiddlename · 15/03/2021 15:41

Maybe it’s time to make some decisions for yourself. Have the conversation set the ball rolling and with that a more formalised shared parenting agreement-it’s great his parents love having the children round so much. You need and deserve time to yourself to grow and move on. I think it’s a bit sad that a gown man with a family prefers living at home but if that’s what he wants you both need to accept it’s over and he can’t have all the good bits anymore.

GentlemanJay · 15/03/2021 22:40

I moved back with my mum. She was 85. Just round the corner. Yes it was better than staying in a bad marriage. Did I get steak. Yes if I cooked it. I looked after her for the next 18 months until she died. Without me she would have had to go into a home.

Without my mum I wouldn't have been able to leave my wife as there was no money left at the end of the month to pay for somewhere to live and contribute to my estranged wife's house.

GentlemanJay · 15/03/2021 22:41

@Bluntness100

I don’t think asking someone to move out in thr hope it will make them realise what they are missing is a good idea when the relationship isn’t working, of course moving to a stress free environment is going to be better for them. It’s better to try to work together on the marriage, whilst still effectively in it.

The bottom line is something drove you both to split in thr first place. Whatever it was is real. I think you both now need to talk about making it permanent Ie divorce and custody. You will need to expect when this is done, he will get his own place.

I doubt this is as simple as he’s lazy and likes being looked after. So prefers his mother’s home. It’s whatever caused the split in the first place he’s happier now he’s out of that environment. Although I’m sure he’s enjoying the initial respite of it.

As said, I’m sorry op, but I think you both need to start to discuss divorce.

This.
GentlemanJay · 15/03/2021 22:44

@Bluntness100

It’s just a huge risk op, when a relationship is so bad, that one of you is moving out, to think it will suddenly make them want to be with you. It’s more likely they will think well this is so much easier.

Have you both sat down and talked? Talked about divorce and the implications of it?

Exactly. It's the unknown that prevents people leaving. The upset. Once you make that leap the next bit becomes easier.
GentlemanJay · 15/03/2021 22:48

@Tickatickboom

I'm absolutely not sleeping with him.

He has the DCs at their house 2-3 evenings a week and comes over on his way to work to make them breakfast 3x a week.

Inlaws seem to be enjoying the set up, his mother dotes on him and they get to see the DCs regularly. As far as I know, they've had no conversation with DH about coming home.

I feel quite resentful as he has a family to go home to, whereas I don't, I just have my DCs. He seems so much jollier than he did when he was here with us.

You sound pissed off because he's happier without you?
StephenBelafonte · 17/03/2021 07:44

In the nicest possible way, how do you know what he has for dinner or why are you even talking about what he has for dinner. Does he message you and say "I had fillet steak for dinner"? He's telling porkies, just ask the kids what they had for dinner when they were there - it won't be fillet steak!

But I agree with the poster who said you sound pissed off that he's happier without you, sorry. It's time to move on.

Original poster
Tickatickboom · 17/03/2021 09:36

I get to know every detail of what meals his mother makes him, how she sews his work trousers for him and irons his shirts.

I get a comprehensive tale about it all each time he collects/delivers the children. He lets himself in (it's still his home) and proceeds to talk at me about his work/ his mum/ his zoom calls with friends before leaving again.

I am trying to learn to act disinterested.

OP posts: