DH is happier back with his parents

[Tickatickboom]

Just trying to get my head around DH choosing to live with his parents over me. He's a good Dad, loves his DCs and we have a fair split of childcare.

Things have been tough for a while, I asked him to move out for a few months, hoping that this would snap him into action and fight for our marriage.

However, it's had the opposite effect. He's happier at his parents' home and intends on staying there. He gets fillet steak for dinner, all his washing done, no cleaning, few responsibilities so I should probably have seen it coming.

I know I'm better off without him, but struggling with the rejection.
Any warm advice?

I would look at formalising things now.

Consult a solicitor about divorce proceedings, formalise contact, the where and when, so he gets them overnight at his parents and you get some time off as well.

Try and keep it amicable, tell him the DC need to have some stuff at his place as well so he can wash and clean their things instead of handing back a load do laundry for you to do, and feed them and they have a proper routine and understand what to expect.

you can apply for child maintenance as well as you are separated and you are doing the bulk of the overnights, if you have shared care that can change when it is in action.

Start thinking as if you are splitting up as you are, gather up his things and box them up, ask your solicitor if you can get an occupation order till the divorce is sorted as current arrangements are not really sustainable. But I'd also talk to your STXH, and ask him to respect your privacy and discuss how you want the split to happen and what expectations should be, as you cant walk in and out of his parents home its unfair on you and the DC he does it to your home, which he is no longer treating as his home.

If you can keep things amicable and agree things between you it will be better for you and the DC and will keep costs down in terms of a divorce.

Give some thought on how you want contact with DC to move forward and what you want in terms of the house etc. Then sit down and discuss it with your STBXH.

Right now he is having the best of everything, his pants and socks washed, cooked food handed to him and fun time with the kids along with popping and doing a few chores at yours to make him feel good about himself.

Also if you're not interested in his work and stuff, just say you don't have time to for small talk, he's there to put the kids to bed (or whatever reason) and you'll let him get on with it and then walk away and do something else.

Time to divorce. He's a man baby and his parents are idiots to foster this.

@willibald

Time to divorce. He's a man baby and his parents are idiots to foster this.

I get why you’d think that as that’s how the op has focused it, but it really doesn’t appear to be that simplistic, he’s not left and stayed gone because he likes having his dinner cooked for him, he’s left becayse the op asked him to go as the relationship was not working. And yes of course he will like the sanctuary his parents are providing, who wouldn’t. And most parents, if an adult child came home following a split would try to do what they could for them. I certainly would.

Thinking back to previous relationships, I never met a set of parents anywhere near as molly-coddling (excuse the spelling) as DHs parents, even when in our early twenties. I certainly was never shielded so much from basic duties and responsibilities as DH is as an almost 40-year old.

I think they have to take some of the blame for disabling him. We are products of many things and our up bringing is obviously one of them.

I think it's difficult to judge whether the behaviour of my inlaws is appropriate or not when you don't know them or him. Most people who know him are aware of the reliance he has on them and the way his parents treat him and do question it.

I think that regardless of viewpoint @Bluntness100 you will always disagree. I see you doing it on many threads, very regularly and being pulled up for it.

Change the locks. Tell him you lost your bag containing your keys and some letters with your address on so you had to change the locks then don't give him a spare.

And if he starts going on about what he had for dinner start yawning and say, "oh sorry about that, i've been up all night having rampent sex, I haven't slept a wink". That'll teach him ;)

I don’t agree with bluntness on a lot of things. But in this she is right.

The marriage wasn’t working and you asked him to leave in the hope that it would focus his thinking. It did, just not in the way you wanted. But he wasn’t to know that.

You and he need a proper discussion about the present and the future and what your separation means for all of you. You will need to address the money, house and parenting if either of you decide you want to split.

If you stay together then you need to state what you expect and be realistic and truthful that you both want to work on it.

Your post really stands out to me @gliblet thank you.

He's 39 @jessstan2

I would lock the door from the inside so he can't just stroll in when you are home, that's a good safety thing anyway. I would buy a lock for you bedroom door so he can't go snooping when you are out.

If it's your evening with the kids, just say "no I have plans".

It sounds like it's over, he doesn't want to come back and be an adult and share the load.

Once you make that decision then the next step is to tell him and say that he needs to have the DC elsewhere as it's to confusing for them and painful for you.

If the family home will need to be sold then crack on with it.

He is likely to want the status quo to continue - playing at being Dad whilst looking after by Mum.

If you are going to have to live in rented perhaps progress with moving out with the DC and then he will have somewhere to have the DV overnight 50% of the time.

At the moment he is being shielded from the reality of the split as are you and the DC tbh. If he's there to spend time with the DC retreat to your bedroom. If he isn't there to see the DC be assertive and tell him it's time to leave as you need to get one and shut his monologue down.

Do you accept its ever or were you hoping he would have an epiphany?

Your update makes him sound like a right pest. Other posters are right, he has been protected from the reality of the split and you have had to deal with feeling rubbish that it is over, putting up with him totally overstepping boundaries and seeing him have all the fun. It won’t always be this hard for you and easy for him. Once the practicalities are dealt with he won’t be able to enter your home and he will have to take 50/50 with the children. Then when you are fully healed you can have a laugh at his sad mollycoddled life.

How often were his parents able to freely have their grandchildren visit before this? It's quite common that the mum's side of the family gets closer access to the grandkids and the dad's side gets depriortised and lose out. They probably really love the set up because they're getting quality time with grandkids 2/3 days a week which they've never had regularly before, and to be honest in their position, i would love it too.

I'm sure they don't want to get involved in their son's marriage since it's his responsibility. Also, to be fair, we've only heard your side of the story, you may be playing a significant part to why you're both not getting on so perhaps this is a welcome break for your DH (and obviously his parents will only have heard his side of the story, true or not, so will naturally support him).

Have you tried Relate marriage counselling?

Divorce lawyer, you need to have the kids one week on, one week off each.

None of this 'sleepover' at granny's shit every other Wednesday or whatever. He needs to take responsibility for his own children!

These men! What an horrendous example he's setting his kids.

@Tickatickboom

He's 39 *@jessstan2*

Thank you, I saw that you said that earlier on too, I missed it. He's a 'grown up child'. Whatever you say about his parents, I'm sure they'd rather you had stayed together. They just want to be supportive at the moment and don't know any other way to go about it. At least you know your children are safe and fine when with him. The situation won't last forever.

Your husband should not be walking into the house - particularly your bedroom - when he chooses. You are separated and each of you entitled to privacy. Tell him so. Also if he starts going on about all that is done for him, just say you really don't need to know that, are not interested - and it makes him seem more childish.

Good luck.

Put a lock on the bedroom door