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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

DH is happier back with his parents

89 replies

Tickatickboom · 14/03/2021 15:18

Just trying to get my head around DH choosing to live with his parents over me. He's a good Dad, loves his DCs and we have a fair split of childcare.

Things have been tough for a while, I asked him to move out for a few months, hoping that this would snap him into action and fight for our marriage.

However, it's had the opposite effect. He's happier at his parents' home and intends on staying there. He gets fillet steak for dinner, all his washing done, no cleaning, few responsibilities so I should probably have seen it coming.

I know I'm better off without him, but struggling with the rejection.
Any warm advice?

OP posts:

gutful · 17/03/2021 09:55

Well then you need to make steps to change the drop off/pick up routine.

You’re separated, he doesn’t have to come into the house.

Coming from an Italian culture what you describe is pretty par for the course for family - moving home means meals made, mum is doing your washing before your undies have a chance to hit the floor & does loving things like mending clothes.

If the relationship wasn’t right you will feel happy to be separated & in a house share or bedsit rental & it will feel like your own sanctuary.

Also did he do much of the cooking when you guys were together or did you do most of this? He is likely just falling into what’s comfortable & what’s being offered.

Or maybe he is barking at his mother to go fetch filet steak ....

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 10:02

I think acting disinterested is the way to go, he’s obviously enjoying it as it is now, and I imagine it’s a respite from what was, because clearly it was bad enough for you both to wish to split in thr first place.

The pressure is off him now. And of course having no bad feelings and everything done for you is fantastic. It was always going to be like this.

But you need to remember this is just short term. He’s not likely to live with his parents for ever more. It’s giving him a cushion now, at some point he will fly the nest again.

You need to stop focusing on what his mother does for him, and stop being resentful over it. To be honest if my daughter split from her partner and came home I’d likely be cooking her meals and enjoying looking after her. Neither of them are doing anything unnatural. His mother was never going to make it hard for him so as to force him back to you, when clearly you were both unhappy enough for him to leave in the first place.

Stop focusing on what his mother does, but focus on the future now, where you will live, finances, joint custody arrangements, all those things need to be worked out.

What his mother does is totally irrelevant.

gutful · 17/03/2021 10:08

Maybe you can turn it into something you laugh about? He is hardly top of the dating pool living with his parents.

Will he bring girls over & will they have to tiptoe into the bedroom like teenagers ?

If you look at it as silly & unbecoming then it might help turn you off him more & detach from him ? It sounds like he is irking you & you are closer to getting the “ick” which will help you enjoy his absence.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 17/03/2021 10:11

I think the reality is that going home to your parents often does feel more comfortable. Being honest family life as an adult is bloody hard, noisy , tiring. The difference is that if he was worth anything at all the discomfort comes far lower down than the love and commitment to his family.

Of course i would love to be cooked for and have my clothes washed but the devastation of being away from my family would mean the comfort would pale in comparison. If he genuinely does not feel like this then you are truly well rid of him.

It also says a lot that his mother is reacting like this. Having had a marriage end and exdh go back to his mothers where he is waited on hand and foot if either of my ds left their family i would not be waiting on them. They could have a roof over their head of course but anything else ? Hell no....a grown adult figures it out. Frankly if my dc tried to return without being able to cook for themselves or look after themselves I would understand why they had been kicked out and blame myself for bringing up man children.

Either way irrelevant of his mother's choices do you really want someone back who thinks not having to cook for himself is more important than being with his family?

Gliblet · 17/03/2021 10:15

He's not rejecting you, is he? He's rejecting adult life.

There's no part of the choices he's making that are towards anything, they're all about running away. He doesn't want to work at a relationship. He doesn't want to cook. He doesn't want to clean. He doesn't want to think about laundry, cleaning, birthdays, anniversaries.

If it helps, think of it as him having peaked with you, and then slid backwards in terms of a functional, fulfilling adult life. And get your divorce in order before he starts to realise that others are looking down on him for being mummy's man-child and decides that it's easier to present himself as a grown up if he has you to run around after him instead.

Ginevere · 17/03/2021 10:16

From your last update it sounds like he is trying to show you just how good he has it now he’s gone. You kicked him out in the hope that he’d see sense, he’s trying to prove otherwise. Regardless, this is not a happy marriage, and while he may have damaged your pride you need to accept that.

Start with the kids staying over more often. I get that they are small, but one night every two weeks? When he comes over and starts regaling you with how wonderful his life is now, give him a job to do. ‘While you’re here, the lawn needs mowing, shelf needs fixing’ etc. Don’t give him a chance to stand and monologue. And serve him with divorce papers. He needs to get this is real. That might take the shine off things.

(I’d also ask him to watch the kids one particular evening so you can go out on a date, but that’s just me being vindictive.)

SozzledSausage · 17/03/2021 10:19

You clearly weren't doing enough for him in terms of attending to his every whim.

Be glad he's gone and pity his Mum/next partner. He sounds like a real catch.

gutful · 17/03/2021 10:22

@Ginevere

“give him a job to do. ‘While you’re here, the lawn needs mowing, shelf needs fixing’ etc.”

They are going through a separation - encouraging them OP to keep treating him like a house husband doesn’t seem like a positive step towards their future.

It would be more empowering for OP to do those things herself & realise she doesn’t actually need him to do those things & is the boss of her own life.

Stillfunny · 17/03/2021 10:23

Even if he was living in a flat on his own , it doesn't mean you would be happier. You told him to leave , he left and you can't tell him where he has to go. Also , you cant force him to have the DCs to give you a break.
I am not unsympathetic , just realistic. I wish my DH could go home go to a parents house. I want him out of here and he has no place to go , so I can't force him.
I do understand .You thought he would be miserable without his family and you , but he is doing just fine. Any particular reason why you want to split ? Is it something that can be resolved ?,

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 10:25

While you’re here, the lawn needs mowing, shelf needs fixing’ etc. Don’t give him a chance to stand and monologue. And serve him with divorce papers. He needs to get this is real. That might take the shine off things

He’s not her employee, she doesn’t get to give him jobs. She can ask. But that’s all. He can tell her to fuck off. And yes it will take the shine off, but it certainly won’t take the shine off not being married to her ans living elsewhere.

What a batshit idea. Treat him like an employee that will get him coming running back to you.

Borntohula · 17/03/2021 10:28

Well that'll be fun if he meets someone else. Nothing more attractive than a 40yo bloke whose mum cooks dinner for him every night.

Ginevere · 17/03/2021 10:30

😂 alright point taken, I said that because she mentioned he does jobs around the house when he comes home and has pointed out that he’s left her with all the work.

In that case, be on the phone when he comes over, or too busy to talk. The main point is that he is trying to fill you in on the details of his wonderful life and you need to stop him from having an opportunity to tell you.

Timestablesaretables · 17/03/2021 10:39

Urgh, manchild. I would agree move forward if you're not happy with how things are now. Time to serve and discuss that he now lives at his parents. Register to vote there, give back your keys, either you look to sell or whatever happens to the house. Etc etc.
You've got the worst of both worlds right now, but when he "moves out" properly then he can start helping with the children, every other weekend for example - so he is washing their clothes and actually doing the parent work. That'll give you free time and take some of the burden off you.
Regarding the chit chat, I wouldn't have him there for breakfast, that's confusing foe the kids and surely you need to be getting ready?

Original poster

Tickatickboom · 17/03/2021 10:41

Thanks for the suggestions.
I'm going to pretend to be engrossed in my phone when he arrives from now on, particularly when the monologue begins.

He does have DCs over night one night a week and comes over one evening a week so that I can go out whilst DCs are in bed.

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 17/03/2021 10:48

I think serving divorce papers would be an excellent way to bring things to a head.

If he's playing you ("Look, my mummy is so wonderful. Look at everything she does for me compared to you, nasty defective wife"), then it will concentrate his mind and he'll have to start backtracking. If he's actually happier as opposed to simply enjoying being pampered like a lapdog, then he won't mind you starting the ball rolling. At any rate, it would be good to take back control and take the choice out of his hands.

Original poster

Tickatickboom · 17/03/2021 10:54

What are your thoughts around him letting himself in and out of the house?

I know a poster has said upthread that I have no right to stop him as he owns half the property, but like this morning, he strolled straight into my bedroom when he arrived. He can't be doing this if we're separating, surely? I could be getting dressed.

I've tried meeting him at the door, but he always has a reason to come in. Today, he will drop DC1 off at the house at 6.30pm and I've no doubt he will ask to come in and see DC2, even though it's my night with them. I don't want to be a bitch towards him, but I feel like he's invading my space, whilst being happy to be away from me.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 17/03/2021 11:08

What will he do when something happens to his parents?

Ginevere · 17/03/2021 11:11

You can’t stop him coming in the house, but he definitely can’t walk into the bedroom! Ask him to stay downstairs, that’s perfectly reasonable.

I really think you need to start divorce proceedings. He needs a massive dose of reality.

Usagi12 · 17/03/2021 11:18

I feel quite resentful as he has a family to go home to, whereas I don't, I just have my DCs.

They are your family. Forgot the husband, he's made his choice it's just being dragged out now. He has no rights to enter the house now whether he owns half or not. He's moved out and us no longer resident. I'd change the locks and start divorce proceedings. He's in no rush, as you say this set up I'd working for him but you can't start rebuilding yours and moving on until you've made it official. Don't drag your feet, the longer you leave it the more difficult he will be.

Thatwentbadly · 17/03/2021 11:20

I would be knocking the breakfast thing on the head - that can’t be good for his mental health.

I would be having a chat with him abandon explaining that as you have split up that he needs to start behaving as if he has and stop off loading about his work day, tell him it’s too confusing for the kids for him to coming into house and for now all communication should be about the children.

Buy yourself a robot hoover. Eufy c30.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 11:21

You can’t stop him entering his own property op, any more than he can stop you entering it. You can only do this when it’s solely your property.

You can ask him to stay downstairs or to respect your privacy and not enter the bedroom but again, you have no legal entitlement here. Just like he can’t ask you not to enter the bedroom.

You either need to buy him out so it’s yout home, or move to someplace that’s exclusively yours.

MessAllOver · 17/03/2021 11:23

What are your thoughts around him letting himself in and out of the house?

Do you have a bolt? I'd just bolt the door whenever you're in so he has to knock to be let in.

Make it clear your bedroom is out of bounds - you're not a couple anymore and you're entitled to privacy.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 11:24

Today, he will drop DC1 off at the house at 6.30pm and I've no doubt he will ask to come in and see DC2, even though it's my night with them

It really is better you do what’s best for the children, you should maybe ask him not to stay long. But I don’t think asking him to not come in and see them and say hello is in the children’s best interests.

You both need to formalise this. And be careful you don’t move to trying to punish him for leaving you and using the children as a wat to do that.. Particularly when you’re the one who asked him to go.

jessstan2 · 17/03/2021 11:33

How old is your husband?

rwalker · 17/03/2021 11:33

I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong you asked him to leave thinking he would come crawling back but all you've done is cut him free.
Sounds like you've both been unhappy and it's over.

Set some boundaries and rules .

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