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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Why 'supervised' child contact?

66 replies

NewShoesRub · 28/12/2020 11:49

I'm trying to get some insight to what is happening to a male friend of mine and google isn't quite answering my question....

He and his wife have split suddenly. I don't know her very well. she got a new flat etc sorted and moved out with their DC (6) without as much as discussing with him. It was quite a shock (according to him).

The question I have is around contact for their DC. My friend has been told he can only have 'supervised' contact with his son. Why would this be? An internet search is suggesting this is fairly normal - but why? My friend hasn't really been given any answers and his family is starting to throw out accusations that his exWife is making up lies, must have MH issues etc - I feel all of this is really unhelpful. Can anyone give me any insights please? Thank you

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 28/12/2020 13:37

It usually means there has been domestic abuse

Flowerpot345 · 28/12/2020 13:40

I agree usually means there has been domestic abuse, especially if she has left without giving notice as well.

StacySoloman · 28/12/2020 13:43

He’s a threat to the child in some way. Could be
Domestic violence
He has mental health issues that impact his ability to parent safely
He has a drug or alcohol problem
He has been arrested for crimes against children eg downloading child porn

Orchidflower1 · 28/12/2020 13:43

Usually DA. or some sort of addiction/ MH condition which could impact on the persons ability to care for the child.
Eg being a gambling addict is not illegal but if the extent means child could be neglected.

Orchidflower1 · 28/12/2020 13:44

How well do you know your friend?

EagleFlight · 28/12/2020 13:46

There are lots of reasons. He can find out and needs to do so. There is no excuse for saying he doesn’t know.

KeyboardWorriers · 28/12/2020 13:48

It usually means there was abuse.

DecemberStar · 28/12/2020 13:48

Who has told him this?

FreshfieldsGal · 28/12/2020 13:51

Interesting.
I went out briefly with someone years ago and he was only allowed supervised access to his children in a contact centre.

I wonder if that was DA too? Never really questioned him about it. Lucky escape maybe for me?

Original poster
NewShoesRub · 28/12/2020 13:53

Thanks for the comments.

He's a friend of the family, our parents are friends. I don't socialise with him except with family so I don't know him deeply but have known him a long time....

I can see controlling elements to his personality however I don't want to speculate - more I'd like to stop the family speculating. I've tried to say to my parents to keep neutral but they are keen to support him.

I'm interested in the comment about him knowing why or being able to find out why. I wonder if he does indeed know and is pulling the wool over his parents eyes.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 13:53

It means the children are at risk from him and he cannot be alone with them so it needs to be supervised. It can be a risk of emotional or physical abuse.

It is not normal unless you perceive abuse in the home as normal. The overwhelming majority of parents have access to their children without being supervised. You must know this.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 13:54

Sorry cross posted. He one hundred percent, without any shadow of a doubt knows why contact has to be supervised. If he’s saying he doesn’t then he is lying. Likely because he doesn’t wish to disclose why.

robinshire · 28/12/2020 13:57

Quite obviously it's to do with domestic abuse. Either towards the mother or the children.
The key point in your post is 'according to him'... his family sound delightful as well. Obviously their precious little man is perfect. The ex wife has to have mental health issues and is lying of course...tale as old as time. Also how can everyone be certain she is lying if he knows nothing of the reason she has left? What do they accuse her of lying about?!

user1493413286 · 28/12/2020 13:59

Some form of abuse and I bet he definitely knows why. I moved out and left my abusive ex in a similar way and he told everyone how much of a shock it was and how unfair it was but he knew exactly why I had to

Topseyt · 28/12/2020 14:02

Abuse of some kind usually. Don't assume she is making it up as you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

I have a BIL who can outwardly appear very gentle and charming. Seriously, nobody would ever know there was a problem including many of his close friends because that was his public face and he would spin them a web of lies. Behind closed doors though he was an alcoholic and very capable of turning violent.

His wife left him after he tried to punch her (punched a hole in the wall instead) and took their DD, who was then only two years old. He was offered supervised contact but wouldn't have it as he said she was the unreasonable one. He ended up losing access completely and hasn't seen his daughter in about 15 years.

That was DH's younger brother. We knew him very well and we knew that his wife wasn't being at all unreasonable. Others outside of the immediate family unit found it harder to believe.

Original poster
NewShoesRub · 28/12/2020 14:04

I'm starting to agree @Bluntness100

I don't have much experience in this area.

If it is some kind of coercive abuse he obvs will not want to tell his parents (or maybe he doesn't see it the same way) and they have then got talking with mine and are struggling to understand so are starting to err on the side that the ex wife is the one with the problem as their son is an angel etc.

OP posts:
Spied · 28/12/2020 14:06

He'll know why or he'd be shouting from the rooftops about the unfairness of it all.
He wouldn't be 'waiting for answers'.
The family don't sound like they'll believe anything the ex says anyway, but he's laying low and acting reasonable as this looks better.

Original poster
NewShoesRub · 28/12/2020 14:07

Ok another thought - my parents have reported he has said that his ex would often act irrationally and then be really apologetic. This definitely sounds like something a guy would say who is trying to make out it's her with the problem not him. Hmmmm.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 14:09

You cant just demand supervised contact you need to be referred and you need a reason "i hate my ex" is not a good enough reason

He fucking knows why

Topseyt · 28/12/2020 14:11

Oh, and according to my MIL DH's brother (her golden child) could do no wrong. If he acted out in front of her and was violent she would be extremely upset at the time but would soon sweep it under the carpet and excuse him. The incident would then never be referred to again.

MIL used to say that his ex-wife was being unreasonable. Later in her life, shortly before she died, she did admit to DH and his sister that it was all because she was scared of him.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 14:13

@NewShoesRub

Ok another thought - my parents have reported he has said that his ex would often act irrationally and then be really apologetic. This definitely sounds like something a guy would say who is trying to make out it's her with the problem not him. Hmmmm.
This is a classic abusers tactic my ex does it all the time tells people I have a social worker im close to losing my kids which was a big suprise when I spoke to a social worker (about him and his girlfriend who has lost all her children to the care system due to her behaviour) because they don't have an issue with me just him his arrest record and his behaviour
Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 14:14

Oh nice guy. And he’s blaming the wife? It’s not her who isn’t allowed to be alone with her own children though...they don’t just take her word for it. If he’s In supervised contact he’s a proven risk to his children.

KeyboardWorriers · 28/12/2020 14:15

Yes my ex was always trying to make out I was mentally ill too. Standard abuser tactic. Sadly quite a few of our mutual friends fell for his web of lies

Designateddiver · 28/12/2020 14:19

Domestic abuse, mental health or substance abuse are the usual reasons. My ex had all 3 and contact went from unsupervised to unsupervised slowly but with periods of no contact depending on his mental health. Social work initially involved but won't stay indefinitely due to contact issues

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 14:30

It will be about risk to the kids.

And he will have been given a reason. It sounds like he is manipulating you.

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