My ex is having my 2 month old baby and he won't tell me his address

[Cariad2020]

Hi all,

Husband left me when I was pregnant, he wouldn't tell me his address while I was pregnant but told me I would be told when our son is born...

Son is now here and he told me an address which I later found out he moved out of as it was on rightmove for rent, I confronted him about it as I thought my son was at an address he wasn't at, he's admitted that he's moved but still won't tell me where or even the town. He also moved while on lockdown so I have no idea if he's in a house share or living with someone!

I have put my foot down and said until I know your address, my son won't be coming to yours. I've even said I'm happy for him to go to his parents house as I know that address however it is 2 hours away and he could just take him back to his.

It makes me uncomfortable that I don't know where my baby is going, I'm a first time mum and he has no family or friends locally so if there was an emergency, I would be the closest but I don't know where they are! He tells me I have no 'legal right' to know his address and I've googled it and it looks to be true..

I've tried to reason with him, I've spoken to a mediator and have an appointment to see if we're eligible for mediation but in the meantime he's threatening me with taking me to court and I'm scared the judge will bollock me for not giving my son access to his dad. He has PR as well.. I want my son to see his dad but I really don't think it's fair that I don't know where he is going. He still has a key to our home!

Any advice? Do I just drop it and allow him to go or stand my ground? I know my son won't be affected as he's only 2 months so won't remember this going on but I don't want the guilt of punishing my son by not allowing him to go to his dad's!

Do not let him.
This happened to my friend, because her ex was on the birth certificate. He refused to give her back to her! She didn't know his address. called the police, police said he's a primary carer and not much can be done but go to court!

She went to court, her baby was confused who she was as it took 2 weeks and her baby was like 3 months old and she won full custody and eventually he had supervised visits.

He might do this.
Do not let him

Absolutely no chance would my 2 month be going off from me for longer than a couple of hours and certainly not with an ex that refuses to tell me his address

But. * I'm happy for him to go to his parents house as I know that address however it is 2 hours away and he could just take him back to his*

So have you said he can or not? It’s not clear

Hes using the child contact to continue his abuse of you (i know this from experience). Because you were bullied into overnight contact on a couple of occasions it doesnt mean you have to continue.

There is no way in hell that I would let my 8 week old baby stay overnight with an ex at an unknown address. I would absolutely panic stricken. I would firmly tell him no and if he finds fault with that, to speak to a solicitor. In the meantime, I would also get the locks to my house changed. You can do this OP. You’re putting your son first here.

Also at the beginning my ex was coming to the house to see him regularly but I'd had enough of him questioning me or noticing when I'd bought something new or why I had something in my fridge as I don't normally eat that.. I then was asked whether I had someone round etc
I'd be documenting everything he dies and says that appears to be trying to control you if incase you ever need evidence if his behaviour.

Is there any chance he will argue that he hasn’t given you his address for fear of domestic abuse?

8weeks old? No chance baby would be leaving me AT ALL.

Cariad2020 Get your key back or change the locks!

Sodamncold

I've tried to call him to talk to him about it and I've also called his mum but they both haven't answered my calls.
I've sent him texts to him explain my reasons behind it and how it's making me uncomfortable.. not replied
My friend has even reached out and said she would be a mediator for us both.. no response

He only texts me on a Tuesday and Thursday at 4pm with a text message 'I am at the place we arranged for me to pick up baby C as per agreement' when I respond saying he isn't coming as I've told him on numerous texts he's not coming until I know his address, but never responds to them. I messaged him yesterday advising I've arranged mediation, no response. He's not checked up on baby C in over a week now.

He can't go to his parents at the moment anyway because of lockdown, I don't think travelling 2 hours is essential travel and I would need to speak with his mum to see whether it's ok before I suggest it

do not let him take him - and do not hand him over.

let him take you tocourt

offer access at your house, supervised

breastfeed if you can! no judge will rip a baby breastfeeding from their mother overnight.

he sounds like a twat.

Don’t let your baby go anywhere. Yes you have let him in the past but say you don’t feel comfortable with the situation and would rather have something drawn up formally for the interests of your baby. I also know someone who’s dad took their child and refused to let him go back to mum after the access. She has never got him back.
No judge will penalise you for not sending your son. If he wants to go through a solicitor, then let him. In this situation it probably sounds better to have a more formal arrangement sorted as it doesn’t sound very amicable at all. At the end of the day, your baby comes first, and you are a very close second. Sounds cheesy but healthy mum equals healthy baby, look after yourself and your baby and don’t let him bully you.

I find it devastating that a baby of two months of age can be made to spend the night away from his mother. That can not be right.

Do not let a 8week old out of your sight some men shake babies! He will need to visit at yours for few hr

I’d also say keep all messages and a diary/ log of anything that happens/he says etc.

* . I messaged him yesterday advising I've arranged mediation, *

Have you? What kind of mediation?

Sodamncold

His excuses for not telling me his address

' I'm worried your family will come to the house and threaten me' - not once has my family got in contact with him since breaking up, my mum completely blanked him at the hospital and she works in the public sector so wouldn't even dream of doing such an offence..

Other excuse - 'I don't want you turning up unannounced'

Never has there been domestic abuse

I contacted citizen advice yesterday who gave me details of mediators. I have an appointment with her on Monday to do a MIAM assessment

What an arse. You’re doing the right thing not letting him take the baby to some unknown location.

I would stop trying to arrange things over the phone and only use email / text. That way you will have all your efforts properly documented and will have evidence of his refusals to tell you basic info like his address.

Op

If he is not telling you his address just to be difficult - then this is terrible and I would not have my baby (or child) go with him

I am sensing though that you have been bluffing a bit. You say happy for him to take to his mother but next breath say he could take the baby to his anyway. You say you have set up meditation but this can’t be set up without the other person’s agreement. You have allowed for two nights in a very short space of time and now saying no.

I do sympathise but the situation doesn’t seem clear

Healthyandhappy and some women drown them. Crass generalisation.

Are MIAM can be without ex

I meant “ah MIAM can be without ex”

I am more than happy for him to go to parents house but they are not responding to me and if they were responding to me and agreed to it, I would hope his parents would make sure he didn't go back to his place

Mediation - she didn't mention anything about consent, she said the appointment on Monday is to see whether mediation would be an option after telling her my circumstances so I don't think I would need consent at this stage yet.

Do not let a 8week old out of your sight some men shake babies! He will need to visit at yours for few hr

What the fuck? Some women shake babies, babies aren’t safe with anyone...

O/p, i think the question you need to ask yourself is do you think he is a risk to the baby? If you are happy for him to look after the child at wks old, and are confident the child is safe, then you trust him whatever address he’s at.

If you think he may not return the child, or isn’t an experienced enough parent to have such a young baby overnight, then that’s your argument in court.

Fwiw i remember asking on a forum years ago- dh’s ex wanted a day out. Dh couldn’t take the day off work, but as i did shifts i was around.

At this point i’d only being seeing him a few weeks, his ex had never met me, had no idea where i lived, my living conditions etc, yet she wanted her then 2 and (disabled) 6 year old to spend a full day with me.

I thought she was insane. I’d never looked after a child in my life, was in a shared house with no baby stuff at all.

I got roundly told that i was BU, she obviously trusted dh, and by extension it was perfectly reasonable to expect me to have the kids for a day on my own without her knowing where they were because dh would know.

Go ahead with Miam. Give them his telephone number. If he declines to attend then let him take you to court & this will go against him.

Ignore his text demands to bring baby to random drop off places.

Yes judges do order parents to provide address (if you've not fled DV)
Mine did and it was condition of court order that he provided address of where's children were to stay overnight.

It is relevant that you don't know where he is staying or the set up for such a young child. If he went to court carcass if need be, would visit his house to make sure living Accomodation is suitable.

Right now your new baby is vulnerable group for coronavirus. Do if he lived with others not part of his family that's relevant. There's a delay in court cares, he'll be lucky to get access in a few months if he fails to turn up for MIAM and that's his choice .

Courts won't push over night for such a young baby until s/he is a bit older. You knew where ExDH was living before, you don't now. You're just being a responsible parent.