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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My ex is having my 2 month old baby and he won't tell me his address

85 replies

Cariad2020 · 08/05/2020 10:16

Hi all,

Husband left me when I was pregnant, he wouldn't tell me his address while I was pregnant but told me I would be told when our son is born...

Son is now here and he told me an address which I later found out he moved out of as it was on rightmove for rent, I confronted him about it as I thought my son was at an address he wasn't at, he's admitted that he's moved but still won't tell me where or even the town. He also moved while on lockdown so I have no idea if he's in a house share or living with someone!

I have put my foot down and said until I know your address, my son won't be coming to yours. I've even said I'm happy for him to go to his parents house as I know that address however it is 2 hours away and he could just take him back to his.

It makes me uncomfortable that I don't know where my baby is going, I'm a first time mum and he has no family or friends locally so if there was an emergency, I would be the closest but I don't know where they are! He tells me I have no 'legal right' to know his address and I've googled it and it looks to be true..

I've tried to reason with him, I've spoken to a mediator and have an appointment to see if we're eligible for mediation but in the meantime he's threatening me with taking me to court and I'm scared the judge will bollock me for not giving my son access to his dad. He has PR as well.. I want my son to see his dad but I really don't think it's fair that I don't know where he is going. He still has a key to our home!

Any advice? Do I just drop it and allow him to go or stand my ground? I know my son won't be affected as he's only 2 months so won't remember this going on but I don't want the guilt of punishing my son by not allowing him to go to his dad's!

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/05/2020 17:59

Don't allow overnight contacts at all. If it does go to court the judge will err towards status quo so if he's been having overnights they might continue. There is NO cause for an 8 week old baby to have overnights away from his mum. Offer short contact in the local area only and if that's not good enough for him then don't have any contact at all. Let him take you to court. Controlling twat.

alexdgr8 · 08/05/2020 17:59

it is not about the father's rights, the child is not a piece of property.
it is about the child's welfare.
this man has not been involved in bringing up the child, why would he have him at such a tender age overnight.
a young child, at least til 6 months, belongs with his mother.
OP, you seem to be getting muddled up between what you are entitled to know about where your ex is living/ with whom, and the care of the child.
the child's interests and needs are paramount. hang on to that thought. don't let your ex take him anywhere. if he wants to see him let him come to your house. and change the locks, or at least use a bolt. you seem overly interested in why your ex left. it is irrelevant. concentrate on the child. don't try to appease your ex.

MayFayner · 08/05/2020 18:00

No fucking way would he be taking my 2 month old anywhere.

The judge will not bollock you. If your ex wants to pursue a court order let him. It will definitely include you knowing the address and it won’t be finalised for ages by which time your baby will be a bit older and overnights might be appropriate.

DC3dilemma · 08/05/2020 18:00

No court in the UK is going to judge the otherwise fit mother of an 8 week old baby for not sending them away to an unknown location for access, including overnights.

Your more reasonable choices are:

  1. write a polite email offering him to visit your (the baby’s) home for a few hours access a 1-3 x per week; he can accept or decline as he wishes.
  2. ignore and wait until the court puts access arrangements in place, if you have reason not to want him in your home.
AnotherEmma · 08/05/2020 18:04

"it is not about the father's rights, the child is not a piece of property.
it is about the child's welfare."

Indeed

Mintjulia · 08/05/2020 18:05

At 8 weeks, your baby shouldn't be going anywhere away from it's mum for more than an hour or so. Offer access at your house, or wait until the court orders reasonable access.

Your ex is a nasty bully. Why he left doesn't matter, you are well rid of him.

isthismylifenow · 08/05/2020 18:13

Nope. There is no way I would even consider this.

As pp said, send an email so that you have it in writing with the offer to go to parents or for him to visit at your home. You are not denying access.

Even if I knew the address I still wouldn't send an 8 week old baby for an overnight visit.

Knittedfairies · 08/05/2020 18:15

I wouldn't be sending my 2 month old baby off with anybody for more than an hour or two, even if I knew where they lived.

Freddie28 · 08/05/2020 18:19

I know it must be hard being a first time mum, but how could you send your son somewhere that you have never seen. What facilities does he have for a baby and who does he have at the house? What goes on there?
Without knowing that and ensuring your babies safety, you shouldn’t let the baby out of your sight at that age. He wouldn’t have a leg to stand on in court as you are the primary career and he is refusing to let you see that the child can be cared for properly. Just me, but not even my in-laws had mine till they were at least 6-8 months old and that was babysitting at our house.

Starbonnet123 · 08/05/2020 18:22

No chance, let him take you to court. Don't let him scare you into giving in , he's your son too and you are just looking out for his welfare. What if he didn't give him back ?
Your ex is not being fair to you , what does he think you are going to do with the information?
No way would I let my children go anywhere overnight when I don't know where they are .

LynetteScavo · 08/05/2020 18:23

You are not punishing your two month old baby by not letting him see his dad.

He doesn't yet have a bond. There is no way on earth my baby would be leaving me and his home to spend time with a stranger for the strangers (to my baby) benefit.

Carouselfish · 08/05/2020 18:29

It's the rights of the child not the parent they consider first. A baby that young is going to be adversely affected being away from their primary care giver.

Original poster
Cariad2020 · 08/05/2020 18:33

Unfortunately I've allowed overnight access on 2 occasions as I'd had enough of fighting with him about his address and being difficult with me, it was exhausting me with being on my own and to be honest, I needed a break with being in lockdown where I needed time to myself. It was really making me uncomfortable and I once again tried to ask for his address and he said no which then I had enough and put a stop to it. I am now going worried this has set a precedent and the judge will say I was happy by it on 2 occasions.. I wasn't at all I just literally gave up on fighting!

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 08/05/2020 18:34

The kid shouldn't be going away overnight with any regularity at that age anyway.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2020 18:34

From everything I’ve read on here the court would advocate short and regular contact visits for such a tiny baby rather than take your ds to his house for several hours. Are you breastfeeding? No judgment. Just wondering. Your baby needs to be with you regardless of the feeding method. Have you heard of the fourth trimester?.

CaryStoppins · 08/05/2020 18:37

I’d offer him visits for say 2 hours a time, three nights a week at your house - or 2 evenings to do bath and bedtime and a Saturday morning. That seems very reasonable for a 2 month old.

Original poster
Cariad2020 · 08/05/2020 18:39

Also at the beginning my ex was coming to the house to see him regularly but I'd had enough of him questioning me or noticing when I'd bought something new or why I had something in my fridge as I don't normally eat that.. I then was asked whether I had someone round etc... it was draining as I felt he was checking up on the house to find clues if that makes sense

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 08/05/2020 18:41

Oh dear OP you need more support from family and friends as clearly he has bullied you into submission because you have let your baby go god knows where to have a rest when you could have said no.Who can help you?

Original poster
Cariad2020 · 08/05/2020 18:41

He's the type of person who would use anything against me if they could find something.. on a few occasions he would question my parenting if I was holding my son a certain way or if I didn't check the temp on the bath, if the dog got too close etc.. it always made me feel on edge of parenting with him around as I was always being judged

OP posts:
Original poster
Cariad2020 · 08/05/2020 18:43

Unfortunately I can't use family as my mum has cancer so she's not able to leave the house for 12 weeks and my brother's wife is pregnant so she's high risk so I can't use them either

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2020 18:43

Whatever you’ve done you’ve done. He coerced you into it. As he is trying again, refuse and talk about the impact on your dc and that you won’t be bullied into agreeing again. Do this in writing.

If you need help drafting something, I’m sure there are plenty of people here to help.

browzingss · 08/05/2020 18:47

If he doesn’t trust you with his address, then suggest brief public meetings only (once lockdown is over). I wouldn’t host it at your house. He doesn’t need the baby overnight.

Frankly I’d just tell him to take you to court so he can’t continue to manipulate you like this CNN

bluejelly · 08/05/2020 18:51

So sorry he is being an arse. You don't have to let your baby stay with him overnight at this age. See if you can talk to a solicitor or the Citizen's Advice Bureau for advice. Take care and stay strong 💪

copycopypaste · 08/05/2020 18:51

I'm really relaxed about most things but there's no way I'd be letting my 2 month old baby go with a person and I had no idea where they were going or where he lived

Iflyaway · 08/05/2020 18:51

God, I feel for you.

An 8-week-old baby and all he can do is harass you, demanding the baby overnight without even letting you know where that is, checking your fridge....

He sounds deranged.

PLEASE find your strength and get him out of your life.

I've been a single mum since DS was 6 months old, 28 years ago.... Not easy but SO MUCH better than having these kind of fuckwits in your life.

Your child will thank you for it in the future. Believe me.

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