My ex is having my 2 month old baby and he won't tell me his address

[Cariad2020]

Hi all,

Husband left me when I was pregnant, he wouldn't tell me his address while I was pregnant but told me I would be told when our son is born...

Son is now here and he told me an address which I later found out he moved out of as it was on rightmove for rent, I confronted him about it as I thought my son was at an address he wasn't at, he's admitted that he's moved but still won't tell me where or even the town. He also moved while on lockdown so I have no idea if he's in a house share or living with someone!

I have put my foot down and said until I know your address, my son won't be coming to yours. I've even said I'm happy for him to go to his parents house as I know that address however it is 2 hours away and he could just take him back to his.

It makes me uncomfortable that I don't know where my baby is going, I'm a first time mum and he has no family or friends locally so if there was an emergency, I would be the closest but I don't know where they are! He tells me I have no 'legal right' to know his address and I've googled it and it looks to be true..

I've tried to reason with him, I've spoken to a mediator and have an appointment to see if we're eligible for mediation but in the meantime he's threatening me with taking me to court and I'm scared the judge will bollock me for not giving my son access to his dad. He has PR as well.. I want my son to see his dad but I really don't think it's fair that I don't know where he is going. He still has a key to our home!

Any advice? Do I just drop it and allow him to go or stand my ground? I know my son won't be affected as he's only 2 months so won't remember this going on but I don't want the guilt of punishing my son by not allowing him to go to his dad's!

[Sparticuscaticus]

How did it go Cariad2020?
I really hoped you've found a way forward that works, rather than feeling bullied into something unsafe

This was Excellent advice from a PP ...
Just say No to ex and tell him you welcome him arranging a mediation session and/or Court so a proper agreement can be thrashed out. He'll soon realise that going tthrough the court procees is stressful, time consuming and very expensive. His solicitor will advise him that he has to be much more realistic about the type of contact he is likely to be awarded

[LoKiMummy]

Don’t hand him over. Let him go through his solicited if he wants to

[MadinMarch]

No judge on earth will think your wrong not to send your 2 month old baby to his father overnight! Let alone to a father who is witholding his address! What is your ex's reasoning for refusing to give his address?

Exe's expectations of contact with such a young baby are wildly off the mark. Your baby is likely to suffer by being away from you, the primary carer, especially for such a long period. You could consider allowing him an hour or two a week, maybe in your own home in non Covid times.. However, I wouldn't be offering any contact at all right now, given the baby is so young and the current Covid situation. After all, you're a single parent and don't want to risk either the baby being infected or yourself via the baby. Yours and the baby's needs trump his right now.

Ex can wait to start building a relationship with him. His attitude of he'd rather not see his son at all than to give you his address does not bode well for the future. I talk from personal experience of having my daughter's father say this too, even though I was desperate for her to develop a relationship with him .
Just say No to ex and tell him you welcome him arranging a mediation session and/or Court so a proper agreement can be thrashed out. He'll soon realise that going tthrough the court procees is stressful, time consuming and very expensive. His solicitor will advise him that he has to be much more realistic about the type of contact he is likely to be awarded.

[Laslow]

You could try posting in the legal section on here op, some legal folks might be able to advise.
My own view would be to let him take you to court, it would buy you time to get your case together at the very least.

[Cariad2020]

Thank you sparticus.. I will stop all contact and if he wishes to speak to me he can contact me or go through his solicitor like he's threatened me with!

[Cariad2020]

Sodamncold

His parents didn't know that he had moved when I told her, she said he doesn't tell her anything. She apologised on his behalf that he had lied on where he lived and where his son was.

I've spoken to his sister about this issue and she stated that she didn't even know where he lived.

[Cariad2020]

Bluebluezoo

Yes fair point, I do trust him with our son and I know he would look after him very well, what my concerns are that I don't know whether he is in a houseshare or living with someone.. I'm from a civil service background and worked in Courts.. I've heard some nasty stuff so my head is constantly racing if he is around someone with previous convictions etc..
and my other concern that if there was an emergency, he has no family locally, nearest are 2 hours away.. I am the closest and I have no idea where baby is. At least if he went to his parents, his parents are around if anything were to happen

[Cheesypea]

Im glad your getting help on monday op

[Sparticuscaticus]

I wouldn't text his parents or him any more. Stop letting him negotiate on your reasonable point. He needs to give his address and explain set up so you can feel confident it is a add e and assess risks , not only coronavirus ones.

[Sodamncold]

* I would hope his parents would make sure he didn't go back to his place*

Short of them not trusting their son, I doubt this. After all he’s their son and they know where he lives so I highly doubt they’d have any problem with this, which you allude to in an earlier post

[Sparticuscaticus]

Go ahead with Miam. Give them his telephone number. If he declines to attend then let him take you to court & this will go against him.

Ignore his text demands to bring baby to random drop off places.

Yes judges do order parents to provide address (if you've not fled DV)
Mine did and it was condition of court order that he provided address of where's children were to stay overnight.

It is relevant that you don't know where he is staying or the set up for such a young child. If he went to court carcass if need be, would visit his house to make sure living Accomodation is suitable.

Right now your new baby is vulnerable group for coronavirus. Do if he lived with others not part of his family that's relevant. There's a delay in court cares, he'll be lucky to get access in a few months if he fails to turn up for MIAM and that's his choice .

Courts won't push over night for such a young baby until s/he is a bit older. You knew where ExDH was living before, you don't now. You're just being a responsible parent.

[bluebluezoo]

Do not let a 8week old out of your sight some men shake babies! He will need to visit at yours for few hr

What the fuck? Some women shake babies, babies aren’t safe with anyone...

O/p, i think the question you need to ask yourself is do you think he is a risk to the baby? If you are happy for him to look after the child at wks old, and are confident the child is safe, then you trust him whatever address he’s at.

If you think he may not return the child, or isn’t an experienced enough parent to have such a young baby overnight, then that’s your argument in court.

Fwiw i remember asking on a forum years ago- dh’s ex wanted a day out. Dh couldn’t take the day off work, but as i did shifts i was around.

At this point i’d only being seeing him a few weeks, his ex had never met me, had no idea where i lived, my living conditions etc, yet she wanted her then 2 and (disabled) 6 year old to spend a full day with me.

I thought she was insane. I’d never looked after a child in my life, was in a shared house with no baby stuff at all.

I got roundly told that i was BU, she obviously trusted dh, and by extension it was perfectly reasonable to expect me to have the kids for a day on my own without her knowing where they were because dh would know.

[Cariad2020]

I am more than happy for him to go to parents house but they are not responding to me and if they were responding to me and agreed to it, I would hope his parents would make sure he didn't go back to his place

Mediation - she didn't mention anything about consent, she said the appointment on Monday is to see whether mediation would be an option after telling her my circumstances so I don't think I would need consent at this stage yet.

[Sodamncold]

I meant “ah MIAM can be without ex”

[Sodamncold]

Are MIAM can be without ex

[RoLaren]

Healthyandhappy and some women drown them. Crass generalisation.

[Sodamncold]

Op

If he is not telling you his address just to be difficult - then this is terrible and I would not have my baby (or child) go with him


I am sensing though that you have been bluffing a bit. You say happy for him to take to his mother but next breath say he could take the baby to his anyway. You say you have set up meditation but this can’t be set up without the other person’s agreement. You have allowed for two nights in a very short space of time and now saying no.

I do sympathise but the situation doesn’t seem clear

[NotStayingIn]

What an arse. You’re doing the right thing not letting him take the baby to some unknown location.

I would stop trying to arrange things over the phone and only use email / text. That way you will have all your efforts properly documented and will have evidence of his refusals to tell you basic info like his address.

[Cariad2020]

I contacted citizen advice yesterday who gave me details of mediators. I have an appointment with her on Monday to do a MIAM assessment

[Cariad2020]

Sodamncold

His excuses for not telling me his address

' I'm worried your family will come to the house and threaten me' - not once has my family got in contact with him since breaking up, my mum completely blanked him at the hospital and she works in the public sector so wouldn't even dream of doing such an offence..

Other excuse - 'I don't want you turning up unannounced'

Never has there been domestic abuse

[Sodamncold]

* . I messaged him yesterday advising I've arranged mediation, *

Have you? What kind of mediation?

[louloubelx]

I’d also say keep all messages and a diary/ log of anything that happens/he says etc.

[Healthyandhappy]

Do not let a 8week old out of your sight some men shake babies! He will need to visit at yours for few hr

[SunshineCake]

I find it devastating that a baby of two months of age can be made to spend the night away from his mother. That can not be right.

[louloubelx]

Don’t let your baby go anywhere. Yes you have let him in the past but say you don’t feel comfortable with the situation and would rather have something drawn up formally for the interests of your baby. I also know someone who’s dad took their child and refused to let him go back to mum after the access. She has never got him back.
No judge will penalise you for not sending your son. If he wants to go through a solicitor, then let him. In this situation it probably sounds better to have a more formal arrangement sorted as it doesn’t sound very amicable at all. At the end of the day, your baby comes first, and you are a very close second. Sounds cheesy but healthy mum equals healthy baby, look after yourself and your baby and don’t let him bully you.