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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

My husband secretly filmed me

125 replies

Mae3 · 25/03/2020 07:57

Hi,

Just after a bit of advice. I've been with my husband 7 years. We both have a dd from previous relationships and also a dd together. Our blended family works really well.

I know our sex life isn't the best because he wants it more than I do. We do have good sex but most the time I'm just letting him have it even though I don't feel like it. He has asked to film us lots of times but every time I've said a clear No.

Few months ago he bought a spie cam. I took the delivery which he then quickly took from me. Then because I'm logged in to his amazon account (he has prime that I use) I got a delivered notification so saw what it was. He was quite angry and confused as to how I knew what it was as he'd tried deleteing it and stopping me from finding out. He also tried lying and saying it was a dash cam but what he had ordered could not be used as a dash cam!

He apologised and all was forgiven.

Fast forward a few months and he buys a sporty watch. Says he needs it for work. After a few days he wears it in the bath (we often bath together) I thought it was odd and questioned it but he just said it was water proof. Then while having sex I noticed it placed in front of our lamp facing us, so I asked if it had a camera in it. He said no. He looked at it and said I can see why you would think that but it hasn't. At this point I don't trust him. I asked him to show me the watch he bought online. He said he bought it from another amazon account so I can't see everything he buys. Which doesn't make sense because he bought my mother's day presents on the one I can see! Anyway I found the watch and it did have a camera. He'd filmed us 😔 He just said yea it does and walked downstairs. He watched the footage and then came back upstairs and said sorry and that he'd deleted it all. I literally haven't spoken to him since.

I don't know what to do. Do I break up our family and leave him because he has completely disrespected me. I'm just at home looking after our little girl and my teenage daughter while we're on lock down. My girls are amazing they're so good. They've not picked up that we're not talking. He's at work most the time thankfully.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Please be kind.

OP posts:

letsjog · 03/04/2020 10:24

And I hate to rattle you @Mae3 but you ONLY found the pictures on Reddit.

How do you know there is no videos/more pictures elsewhere?

What would you do if someone did that to your daughter? Would you be worried about "oh but he's got nowhere to stay" or would you want him the hell out immediately?
He's sick. He violated you and your trust. It's irreparable. There's no feeling bad for an abuser. Please do not let him stay and show that you're a soft touch. This will only repeat itself.
If he did that to you on such a scale and even had the audacity to get angry when you found out about his attempts at recording you do you think he would have any qualms about potentially doing the same to other members of your household?

I really feel for you OP and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can imagine you are feeling quite vulnerable right now but PLEASE take your power back and get this vile sick creature out of yours and your daughters lives.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 03/04/2020 10:49

Are you sure he didn't retrieve the spy cam out of the bin? I'd have taken a hammer to it, and the watch, to make sure they couldn't be used again.

Get the computer out and insist he gives you the PIN so you can log in and check there are no recordings saved on there. I wouldn't hesitate to report him to the police for what he's done - vile bastard!

I'd also go on to the wifi to check what other devices are attached, and change the password while you're there.

Skeeter2020 · 03/04/2020 11:12

OP please contact the police.

I'm so sorry to have to ask this but are you sure your daughter hasn't been victim to him in any way?

Please get him to leave your home and then contact the police. He's committed a really serious crime.

simplekindoflife · 03/04/2020 11:48

Oh god OP... that's awful, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't forgive that. I'd rather my husband cheated on me than do that. It's an invasion of privacy and a total breach of trust.

Have you searched the whole house for devices? Including your DD's room?

Ask him for access/passwords to all accounts now or you'll call the police.

I was against calling the police at first but this looks like it's just the tip of the iceberg.

strawberry2017 · 03/04/2020 12:34

Ring the police, just because he looks at your daughter as his own means nothing.
Thousands of children get abused by their own parents.
It's not your responsibility to care if he has nowhere to go.
You have no proof whatsoever that he hasn't filmed your child.
Ring the police and report immediately and then kick him out. Change the locks and search the house to make sure there are no other cameras anywhere.
He is not a good man.

strawberry2017 · 03/04/2020 12:36

In fact not only would I contact the police I'd give them his hard drive and I would tell the other daughters mother what he's been up too.
She deserves to know as her child is as much at risk as yours.

CtrlU · 03/04/2020 12:38

Wow just WOW

I can’t believe someone could be so perverted and out of line honestly!

I hope his locked up for a long time

Isbutteracarb · 03/04/2020 12:39

Oh my god, this is unbelievable. You need to report this to the police OP.

EstellaHanclay · 03/04/2020 13:58

before kicking him out gather up all his devices and store them somewhere he can’t get to. Then ask him to leave and call the police to report the crime/ get him out the house forcibly if you need to.
Fucking hell.

OliviaBenson · 03/04/2020 14:05

I'm so sorry op.

This is extremely serious and bad.

It's extremely important you do call the police. I know it's a scary step but doing so will actually help protect you and your children in the future. As well as others.

Stay strong and keep talking on here.

SpyApp · 03/04/2020 14:08

Phone the police. Don't tell him first - just do it. They can then seize his tech and find out the extent of what he's done. Brace yourself for more and worse that Reddit pics.
Seriously - do it today.

SteamingTheDoorKnobs · 03/04/2020 15:22

He has shared pictures of me with dirty men. well he's a dirty man too. I worry that he has access to a young teen. As he gets his kicks by voyeurism and on-line sharing I think your daughter is at huge risk. Please at least check her room and any bathrooms thoroughly.

Challenged27 · 04/04/2020 15:22

As a man reading this and having come across people like this I cannot emphasis enough he is trouble. a masogonist and very likely more dangerous than u realise! Take your kids and run!

browzingss · 04/04/2020 15:27

I wouldn’t trust that he has deleted anything frankly. He wanted more content on you to post online, videos next to take it to the next level🙄

He doesn’t even care about you. He knows how you felt and still posted photos of you online. He got caught out, and kept the photos of you online.

You’re not breaking up the family, he has.

He needs to leave now. You need a solicitor.

browzingss · 04/04/2020 15:27

Tell him that you don’t trust him around your daughter too

safariboot · 04/04/2020 15:34

He's a criminal.

Don't damage the cameras or any of his other devices and try not to let him leave with them. They're evidence. They need to go to the police.

AMomHasNoName · 04/04/2020 15:40

He is revolting.
What would you say to your daughter if her husband had done this her?
Leave him. He has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever.

Susanna85 · 05/04/2020 13:49

OP, did you tell the police? Are you okay and what's happening now?

Lilolily · 14/04/2020 11:26

I wish people would update. I suspect OP never will and that she has found out the worst possible truth, that he has filmed her DD. Let’s hope that’s all he’s done to her 😔

ElsieDear · 14/04/2020 11:40

Not trying to be scary here but he could be sharing that footage or posting it online. You just don't know what else he's capable of if he would film you without your consent.

He could be filming your girls.

I'm sorry and I totally understand why you are reluctant but you have to act.

Noshowlomo · 14/04/2020 11:57

OP this is awful. So so vile, disgusting and illegal!! God knows where else photos and videos are. Call the police. X

CaptSkippy · 14/04/2020 12:24

@Mae3

That's the thing apart from this he is the perfect husband. I know he would never cheat on me, he's amazing with the girls and works hard.

What you describe does not make him a great guy. He should work hard, he should not cheat and he should be good with his kids.

He is the bare minimum of what he should be and now he has violated your trust and your boundaries in a major way. This is not only completely disrespectful, but illegal.

He is an awful guy. Futhermore, don't fool yourself. Your girls know that you are not speaking and that he is sleeping on the sofa. Kids are very perceptive and you are not doing them any favors by allowing this criminal behavior to go unpunished.

I can understand your hessitations about reporting him. It often does not end well for women who report sexual abuse. But if you feel you have a case, please set an example for your girls. Would you allow a guy to get away with that behavior if it was done to one of them?

carriebreadshaw · 14/04/2020 18:29

Oh lord just saw the earlier update. Please send us another OP... want to know you and your girls are okay

NYCdad · 27/08/2021 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

freeatlast2021 · 30/08/2021 23:17

I am so sorry about what happened to you and please understand that I am not victim blaming or anything like that, but I do not understand how you can say that this man is "perfect husband" after what he has done to you. This is not just you, I keep running into different kinds of posts were women say, "he is so perfect except for this one thing". He cannot be a perfect husband or a father or a friend or any kind of human if he has done something like this. Of course nobody is "perfect" all the time, but there is a difference between a person forgetting your anniversary and a person filming you having sex with him. Right?!

And it does not matter if he "only did it once" or he "did not share with anyone" or whatever. This man does not understand right and wrong. He is immoral and you should have kicked him out of the house immediately!!!

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