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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My husband secretly filmed me

125 replies

Mae3 · 25/03/2020 07:57

Hi,

Just after a bit of advice. I've been with my husband 7 years. We both have a dd from previous relationships and also a dd together. Our blended family works really well.

I know our sex life isn't the best because he wants it more than I do. We do have good sex but most the time I'm just letting him have it even though I don't feel like it. He has asked to film us lots of times but every time I've said a clear No.

Few months ago he bought a spie cam. I took the delivery which he then quickly took from me. Then because I'm logged in to his amazon account (he has prime that I use) I got a delivered notification so saw what it was. He was quite angry and confused as to how I knew what it was as he'd tried deleteing it and stopping me from finding out. He also tried lying and saying it was a dash cam but what he had ordered could not be used as a dash cam!

He apologised and all was forgiven.

Fast forward a few months and he buys a sporty watch. Says he needs it for work. After a few days he wears it in the bath (we often bath together) I thought it was odd and questioned it but he just said it was water proof. Then while having sex I noticed it placed in front of our lamp facing us, so I asked if it had a camera in it. He said no. He looked at it and said I can see why you would think that but it hasn't. At this point I don't trust him. I asked him to show me the watch he bought online. He said he bought it from another amazon account so I can't see everything he buys. Which doesn't make sense because he bought my mother's day presents on the one I can see! Anyway I found the watch and it did have a camera. He'd filmed us 😔 He just said yea it does and walked downstairs. He watched the footage and then came back upstairs and said sorry and that he'd deleted it all. I literally haven't spoken to him since.

I don't know what to do. Do I break up our family and leave him because he has completely disrespected me. I'm just at home looking after our little girl and my teenage daughter while we're on lock down. My girls are amazing they're so good. They've not picked up that we're not talking. He's at work most the time thankfully.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Please be kind.

OP posts:
Qgardens · 03/04/2020 00:09

What a shock and so much to process. Don't feel sorry for him. Don't care where he goes. That's not your problem. Make him go.

theemmadilemma · 03/04/2020 00:15

WTAF.

Yes screenshot and record everything 1st. You should consider reporting it to the police also.

Emerald4512 · 03/04/2020 00:17

Collect all evidence before he leaves! Stay strong OP, you've got this 😘

Weenurse · 03/04/2020 00:19

Ring the police.
He may then realise this is a crime.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/04/2020 00:20

OP I'm sorry that he has put you through this...BUT
Like hell would I give a crap where he goes,
As pp have said call the police now and get the pervert arrested and have your locks changed tomorrow.
The kids dont need to know reasons just that you wernt working out.
And I really wouldn't be assed if the low life ended up on the streets as what he has done is vile and you don't know if he has any hidden cameras elsewhere in the house , hes manipulating you, gaslighting you and is abusing you.
999 is the number you need to dial to have the disgusting predator arrested and out of your and your children's lives.

puds11 · 03/04/2020 00:20

I know someone who did prison time for this. It is illegal. He doesn’t care about you otherwise he would never have take pictures let alone post them online.

MigginsMrs · 03/04/2020 00:24

Bloody hell op, report him straight away, and tell your dsds mother. She needs to know what her dd has for a father.

Absolutely this. I’m so sorry OP, he’s fucking vile. Throw him out now and for the love of god protect these innocent girls from this pervert.

acatcalledjohn · 03/04/2020 00:25

He deserves prison time. He is an utter scumbag and a shit dad to boot. The only thing he'll be a role model for is spousal and sexual abuse.

He put you on the internet without your consent. You are nothing more than a sex toy to him. Phone the police, have the bastard arrested and use that time to change your locks and pack up his stuff.

thetoddleratemyhomework · 03/04/2020 01:00

Yup, this is a police matter. Stay safe OP, kick him out and protect yourself and his daughters.

Weenurse · 03/04/2020 05:20

Stay safe

Joans3rddaughter · 03/04/2020 05:50

Do not fall into the trap of allowing his behaviour to continue and probably escalate because of the consequences of reporting him and ending the relationship will mean. He will no doubt tell you all this to prevent you from doung anything about this. You have a choice now. You either do nothing, or you choose the safety of yourself and the children. No grey area. That is it. If you choose to do nothing, then you have chosen to protect this man.

Wallywobbles · 03/04/2020 05:55

Photos on the internet are there for ever. How many porn sites do you suppose you're on. I'm sorry but without police help there's no way he or you can sort out what he's done.

Sarcelle · 03/04/2020 06:40

He does have somewhere to go, a prison cell.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 03/04/2020 06:54

I’d be getting police help to ensure everything is taken down. I’d also get him away from my children ASAP.

I in no way believe he doesn’t understand the seriousness of this. However, would you want to be with someone who didn’t know or care about that ?

The statement that worries me in your updates was you saying the fact he knew you didn’t want to be filmed added to his thrill ... but like a rapist then who knows his victim is saying no.

Get him out now.

wonderrotunda · 03/04/2020 07:25

Violation and a complete betrayal of trust. You may benefit from some type of counselling eventually to heal.
For all his protestation if he genuinely didn’t think it would be an issue he wouldn’t have needed to hide.

Kiln · 03/04/2020 07:31

Please report him to police. I can assure you that once this is done & dusted that in the future, he'll find another victim relationship and always with the nature of these people, there's no disclosure "oh I secretly filmed my wife against her will and posted pictures of her online without her consent or knowledge" because almost everyone hides/minimises bad aspects of themselves in order to be attractive (as a package)
Please do this for yourself, your daughters and any other past/present or future people he feels the need to violate. So sorry for you to have to be going through this Thanks

supercee · 03/04/2020 07:37

To echo a PP, he has a cell to go to. My blood ran cold reading your initial post never mind your update. Imagine someone doing that to your sister, daughter, best friend.

What would your advice be to them?

Ring the police.

RandomUser3049 · 03/04/2020 07:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Dyrne · 03/04/2020 07:41

the government has made clear that women can escape abusive relationships even with this current lockdown. Taking photos and video of you without your consent and then posting them online definitely qualifies.

Kick him out. He has plenty of options, he is not “trapped” with you.

Imagine this happened to your daughter - surely you do not want her thinking that she should be tolerating this behaviour?

RandomMess · 03/04/2020 07:57

He knows exactly what he's done, the sexual thrill is all in him posting them in the public domain for his sexual gratification.

IWantT0BreakFree · 03/04/2020 08:20

Please report him to the police and have him removed from the house. The fact that he has nowhere to go during lockdown is not your problem. Let the police deal with him. You don't need to live with someone who has abused and violated you. The police are not too busy to help you.

I hope you realise now that this man is a predator and you cannot trust him at all. With men like this, you have to ignore every bit of wishful thinking that tells you he probably won't do XYZ. For example, I know you've been clinging to your belief that he wouldn't film or groom your daughters, but the fact is that he is a sex offender and a predator. There is a very strong possibility that he has also done this to your daughter/s. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by the persona he portrays when he is pretending to be a committed family man. That's not real. When he tells you it's no big deal, it's not as bad as cheating, he didn't want to risk your relationship, he didn't realise it would hurt you etc, he is gaslighting you. He is framing this as akin to being unfaithful. Framing it as a relationship issue. It's not. What he has done is illegal and he is a sex offender.

Please protect your children and yourself. It's not safe to have him living with your children or having unsupervised access to them.

Notredamn · 03/04/2020 08:42

This is why I suggested going straight to the police. It's very rare for these kind of perverts not to share their photos and videos online via Reddit and porn sites. It's the reason they do it, it's the kink they're into.
Utterly disgusting, abusive and criminal. It must be a terrible shock to youFlowers please don't try and confront this on your own, you're in a vulnerable position right now, and would be trying to bargain with an abuser who doesn't have morals or decency. Let the police deal with this one.

Rosiejim · 03/04/2020 08:48

Holy shit. I’m so sorry Flowers

Get him the fuck out of your house. Lockdown or no lockdown. This makes him a sex offender. You need to protect yourself and your children

hayl3e · 03/04/2020 08:55

OP You need to go to the police, get support and get him out. This needs nipping in the bud ASAP. He will find somewhere to go -he'll have to. He's posted videos and pics of you online. Trust me, this will escalate if you don't get rid of him and more importantly, report it. These males on the sites that have requested these videos etc... WILL request more, explicit stuff! You can't guarantee he won't start videoing your DC's. It will become an addiction and it will get out of hand. It becomes a 'competition' of who can get the best 'collection'. You have to protect yourself and your DC.

Please be strong. You can do this. You won't regret doing the right thing.

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/04/2020 08:59

In situations like this during the lock down no one would say anything to you in regards to throwing him out. You have to do this and if he refuses call the police. In fact I would call the police anyway because of what he has done. How do you know he hasn't posted pictures on other sites. He is disgusting. I know your daughter loves her father etc but he is a sex offender in my eyes.

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