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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My husband secretly filmed me

125 replies

Mae3 · 25/03/2020 07:57

Hi,

Just after a bit of advice. I've been with my husband 7 years. We both have a dd from previous relationships and also a dd together. Our blended family works really well.

I know our sex life isn't the best because he wants it more than I do. We do have good sex but most the time I'm just letting him have it even though I don't feel like it. He has asked to film us lots of times but every time I've said a clear No.

Few months ago he bought a spie cam. I took the delivery which he then quickly took from me. Then because I'm logged in to his amazon account (he has prime that I use) I got a delivered notification so saw what it was. He was quite angry and confused as to how I knew what it was as he'd tried deleteing it and stopping me from finding out. He also tried lying and saying it was a dash cam but what he had ordered could not be used as a dash cam!

He apologised and all was forgiven.

Fast forward a few months and he buys a sporty watch. Says he needs it for work. After a few days he wears it in the bath (we often bath together) I thought it was odd and questioned it but he just said it was water proof. Then while having sex I noticed it placed in front of our lamp facing us, so I asked if it had a camera in it. He said no. He looked at it and said I can see why you would think that but it hasn't. At this point I don't trust him. I asked him to show me the watch he bought online. He said he bought it from another amazon account so I can't see everything he buys. Which doesn't make sense because he bought my mother's day presents on the one I can see! Anyway I found the watch and it did have a camera. He'd filmed us 😔 He just said yea it does and walked downstairs. He watched the footage and then came back upstairs and said sorry and that he'd deleted it all. I literally haven't spoken to him since.

I don't know what to do. Do I break up our family and leave him because he has completely disrespected me. I'm just at home looking after our little girl and my teenage daughter while we're on lock down. My girls are amazing they're so good. They've not picked up that we're not talking. He's at work most the time thankfully.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Please be kind.

OP posts:
calllaaalllaaammma · 25/03/2020 09:25

I think the problem is that it won’t end here.
If you forgive him then he will stick to the rules for a while but then revert to whatever kink or fantasy is driving him.
They always push boundaries and this is an ongoing situation, this is who he is.

Tiredmum100 · 25/03/2020 09:37

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He sounds vile. He has zero respect for you if he wants to secretly film you even though you've said no multiple times. I can't see how you could carry on married to him to be honest. Ask him how he'd feel if a man did this to one of your daughters in the future?

Original poster
Mae3 · 25/03/2020 09:44

I know it is serious. I'm just struggling to come to terms with what he has done to our family. I haven't been able to talk to anyone so came on here for some advice and support. I know he wouldn't do anything to my daughter he looks at her as his own. It's me that he is obsessed with. I think he has some sort of sex addiction and gets a thrill from the thought of filming it and me not wanting to added to that thrill. I know he has to go because I'll never feel safe in my home again. I've been in a violent relationship when I was a teenager he knows what I've been through. He should be making me feel safe and secure I know this. It's just heartbreaking 😔

OP posts:
InkieNecro · 25/03/2020 09:44

So he still watched it rather than just deleting it?

Canadianpancake · 25/03/2020 09:44

What advice would you give to your daughter if she came to you in the future saying she was in this situation? If you stay with this man, what example are your seeing to your daughters about how they should expect to be treated by their future partners?

goldpartyhat · 25/03/2020 09:48

This is horrifying. It was arrogant and abusive. Please do not minimise. He asked you and you said no. Then he did it anyway. Its like he'd asked for sex and you'd said no, then he did it anyway. However good a husband in other areas he is, this is such a serious betrayal of trust and displays such an arrogant disregard for your feelings and autonomy, I would never come back from this.

goldpartyhat · 25/03/2020 09:52

I also think your acceptance of his having sex even when you don't want to, has given him a green light to push this behaviour to further limits. I'm sure he puts a subconscious pressure on you to have sex when you don't want it and prioritises his needs over yours. This is a serious issue around sex regardless of other areas of family life.

Notredamn · 25/03/2020 10:09

He's a sexual abuser, just because he isn't covertly filming your daughters doesn't mean he isn't one. You matter. I really would call the police over this and it would be the first step in getting rid of him.

Original poster
Mae3 · 25/03/2020 10:29

Thank you for all the comments of support it's help me become that bit stronger in my decision to make him leave. I just need to find the strength and be strong for my girls through this 😔

OP posts:
letsjog · 25/03/2020 10:40

God this post has made the hair at the back of my neck stand up.

@Mae3 you do realise how awful this is don't you? Not only have YOU caught HIM buying a spy cam and by the sounds of it he was actually annoyed you found out rather than beg forgiveness on his knees he has gone further and opened a separate Amazon account to buy another spying device without a way for you to find out AND once caught went and made sure he got his sexual thrills by watching it all back (and God knows what else) before apparently deleting it.

He got caught filming you despite your clear refusal to allow him to do that and then went ahead and watched it for his wank bank anyway because he things you won't do anything about it.

And I'm willing to bet he also backed it up to something before deleting off the watch.

This is scary.

Original poster
Mae3 · 25/03/2020 10:45

I know it's wrong. It's made me feel so sick. I know when I talk to him he will play it down like last time. I really needed to hear all this so I can be strong and get him out. Thank you

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/03/2020 11:04

I think the fact that your older daughter isn't his makes a huge difference. I think you should report him to the police and tell him to get the hell out of your house. When the CV crisis is over his daughter can continue to see your daughters if you like, but that's not a good idea at the moment.

Youreadthebabybooks · 25/03/2020 11:17

This is voyeurism
My husband did the same he had been videoing in our home
He had also been taking videos of others outside the home and children all in a state of undress
He is on Sex offenders register and received a prison sentence and cannot see our children unsupervised
Needless to say I left immediately with the children
Now divorced and although it’s been hard I wouldn’t change it
You cannot trust him he is a Sex offender and if SS find out that u support him they will be heavily involved in your child’s life
You have to leave and call the police for the safety of your child
Voyeurism is illegal whether it’s someone known to perpetrator or not
And if it involves children it is a child sex offence

mumme111 · 25/03/2020 11:20

My ex did this and sent the vids to other men on the internet please get some advice from the police your daughter hasn't got to know anything yet it only gets worse x

Mumof3withtwins · 25/03/2020 21:36

Download an app to see what other devices are connected to your WiFi. He ordered the watch from another amazon account, this guy is forward planning.

When my stbxh told me he was filming and recording me (in my private bedroom, we still live in the same flat) I applied for a non molestation order.

You need to be ahead of him and preferably get rid, think with your head, not your heart.

unicornsarereal72 · 26/03/2020 05:59

What happened to the first spying device.

Keep yourself and your family safe. You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Mae3 · 26/03/2020 07:05

I've now told him that he needs to find somewhere else to live. He put the spy cam in the bin. I hate the thought of him having any recording. I tried to get onto his computer but I don't know the pin. I've also spoken to my sister about it now and she was so shocked. It's rubbish timing not being able to see anyone 😔

OP posts:
LouLouLoo · 26/03/2020 08:49

Insist he gives you access to his computer. If he refuses tell him you’ll call the Police and they can do it instead.

He has committed a criminal offence against you, does he realise that?

Wereallsquare · 26/03/2020 09:15

I am really, really sorry that the man you trusted and loved has committed such a reprehensible crime against you. Your must be reeling and finding it inconceivable.

But it has happened. He has done this. And you don't know what else he has done.

Most criminals are someone's father/husband. That really is irrelevant. Even in this time of Coronavirus and lockdown, you need to treat this with the seriousness it deserves. I would report him to the police and make him leave the home immediately.

His behaviour is disgusting and unforgivable.

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/03/2020 10:44

Insist he gives you access to his computer. If he refuses tell him you’ll call the Police and they can do it instead

I suspect he'll just lose or destroy the computer then. I'd say no more and go straight to calling the police.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/03/2020 16:33

He has been PLANNING on filming you covertly!
First the spy-cam and now the watch.
I also highly doubt he's deleted the footage he he did get....probably saved it on Cloud somewhere or uploaded it to the internet for other dodgy guys to wank over.

You also have no idea if he's bought other spy cams and set them up in your room/round the house.....you wouldn't know what/where to look for them and he's not going to tell you the truth.

I'm guessing you never suspected this side to him?
I'd safeguard yourself and your dd from him....you never know, he could be secretly filming her too - or anyone who comes to your house.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/03/2020 16:38

I know he wouldn't do anything to my daughter he looks at her as his own
That's never stopped a supposed caregiver from abusing their position.

It's me that he is obsessed with
Your DD is a part of you.....manipulative people like him know how to play the long-game.
Why would you want your DD exposed to a guy who has zero respect for women and zero respect for their boundaries?
Why would you want to keep letting him have access to your DD when all he's going to do is use her to keep his hooks in you?

MarieG10 · 27/03/2020 16:41

OP. Camera in the bin...even more stupid as the film will still be in it even if he wiped it. All that does is create a marker to show it can be overwritten. The best way would have been to take a hammer to it and smash the memory to bits. So sorry but if anyone finds it they can easily recover the film of you and out it on the internet.

Is it still in the bin..suggest you get it quick

What an awful person he is

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2020 16:50

That's the thing apart from this he is the perfect husband. I know he would never cheat on me, he's amazing with the girls and works hard.

Sadly, I think your husband is capable of doing many terrible things. He has violated you knowing clearly you did not want to be filmed. He doesn't have a shred of respect for you. As far as I'm concerned, what he has done is a form of sexual assault.

Elieza · 27/03/2020 17:56

He’s horrible. I’m glad you are going to split up with him as although you think you can trust him not to cheat, until now you thought you could trust him not to video you having sex.
He has changed. You don’t know what he is capable of. He has increasing sexual desires and is looking for ways to satisfy his appetites. Now you won’t have sex with him or let him watch the video of you two having sex, he will find some other way to satisfy his carnal needs.
Pathetic.
You are right to leave. You weren’t sexually compatible anyway as he wanted it more than you. I was with a guy like that and what a relief now to no longer have to do stuff I don’t really want to do just to keep the peace.