Husband refuses to separate / sell house / accept its over

[Ljstar]

We've been together nearly 10 years. Married for 5 years in March.

He's a great dad, adores our son.

He's not a get husband, friend or companion.

I can't do anything right, I get shouted and sworn at daily (fat, scum, useless, good for nothing, fatty pig pig, smelly) DAILY.

I can't take this anymore 😰
I appreciate I married him and I have made my bed, so I should lie in it but I feel helpless. I suffer with anxiety and it seems to be getting worse.

I don't want my child listening to him verbally ridiculing me anymore.

He won't admit the marriage is over, we own our house, there's around 80k equity. He can't afford to buy me out so we'd HAVE to sell. He won't agree to any of that and if I bring it us he just says "shut up bitch" and walks off.

He says he'll fight me in court for custody if I try and leave.

Help 💔

They always say theyll fight for custody but would he actually want to do all the childcare that comes with it. Doubtful. Have you seen a solicitor to find out where you stand?

Just leave, I don’t see what he could possibly do to make you regret it. I’m sorry you feel like youve had to put up with this for so long. Don’t let him bully you

Get a solicitor ASAP and have them deal with him. Get one before he does.

He's a great dad

Why, oh why do people say this? HE IS NOT a great dad, he is an abusive dad because of the way he treats his child's mother.

It doesn't matter whether he accepts it or not. Why should he be the one to decide? If you want out, then go!

He's not a good dad. Good dads don't abuse the mothers of their children.
File for divorce, he'll be forced to accept it.

He is not a good Father. Good Fathers provide role models for their children.

Start legal action.

Don't bring it up with him again. It's not his fucking choice.

Go get a solicitor and file for divorce. Move into the spare room if possible. When he gets served the papers and wants to talk about it simply say, 'Through the solicitors, twat,' and walk off.

Two can play his dickhead games. Don't leave the house - you don't need his permission to divorce and he will be forced to sell.

Was he like this for the five years you were with him before you married hin?

He’s not a great dad.

You may also find that you don’t suffer from anxiety when you leave him and don’t have to suffer daily abuse anymore. I think most of us would be anxious in that scenario. Be strong and be clear. Good luck!

Arrange a suitable rental, move in and stop paying anything for the house that you own. Stop paying mortgage, gas, electricity, water rates. Obviously you can't afford to pay for two houses! Sooner or later, either he won't be able to afford it on his own or the mortgagee will want to repossess. Yes it brings problems, but it'll get you away from him.

I'm so grateful that you've all took the time to reply to me. I feel so alone.

The thing is, I have amazing support. A great family network. We all live in the same town. They know it's bad, but just not quite how bad it is. So I feel like I know what the answer is but I am terrified. Utterly terrified.

To answer a few questions;

He has always been very opinionated and looking back arrogant. He hid his nasty streak for quite some time. It got progressively worse after we married and even more worse after our son was born.

He says he loves me, but he treats me like I'm nothing. He works very hard to provide, working 7 days a week most weeks.
I work 3 days, I'm at university as well.

His family also live near by. They have distanced themselves from him because he's so snappy / nasty over everything. He's mean about my family, and even his own family now.

I don't think he likes anyone but our son.

I co-sleep with our son, dh sleeps in a different room. Our son didn't sleep for the first 2 years so we ended up co sleeping and now I co sleep because I can close the door and be 'safe' away from sh from 7pm

I'm ashamed to say I'm scared. If we split - What if one day on his agreed weekend he runs off with our son? Leaving him would make him unhinged (he drinks a lot anyway) and I don't know what he'd be capable of.

Our families are close to a degree, I have expressed my desire to eventually leave to both sides. Neither tried to convince me to stay.

I haven't sought legal advice yet.

I suffered an ectopic pregnancy early this year, I nearly died and it's been a lot to process.

I think that process made me realise how I'm being treated isn't right?

He's constantly telling me he wishes I'd have died on the operating table and that our son would be better off.

At the time, he played the doting husband, crying / shaking when they thought I might die. It lasted 2 days. After that the insults started.

Your safest option is actually via a refuge because they will help you sort out protection for your DS he is abusive and drinks too much, perhaps he shouldn't have contact with him unless it's supervised?

He's perfect around our son though. He has him every Friday from 11-6 whilst I work and they have such great fun. I don't want to take that away from either of them 😢💔

My son loves his daddy so much. They are best friends

He will teach your DS that women are worthless and to be ridiculed and insulted, he will teach your son to scorn you and speak to you like shit.

When DS is older and not so malleable and steps out of line how to you think he will discipline DS?

It doesn't mean no contact for them it means you being the "resident" parent etc.

How old is your son? My stbxh was like this. I only realised there was a problem that meant I had to get out rather than just keep biting my lip when ds started to tag team with him to insult me and to a lesser extent DD. Get out or your son will think it's the way forward...

How old are your children? Could you speak to your local domestic abuse unit for advice? Or woman’s aid? I put up with years of similar behaviour. The more I and told and the more I read, there is tons of research out there on domestic abuse and it is very common that a potential separation/ divorce triggers abusive behaviour. I worried for a long time that I would not be believed, but this was because my ex had minimised all of his behaviour and I normalised it.

My ex also threatened the custody thing, said he’d make me homeless. He continues so make my life hell, two years on, but every day I am relieved that I am no longer with him, as that would be far worse. They want your life to be hell without them so you will stay. This man does not love you and you do not deserve to be treated like that. Your children will be witnessing this and continuing to do so will affect their perceptions and attitudes of relationships.

We have a son together and he's nearly 3.

Sometimes he yells stop shouting at mama dada and calls him nasty.
Dh then thinks I've "brainwashed" him into saying that.

Is it really domestic abuse? In a court of law would that stand?

I have an email address, I send diary entries, photos of things that have happened. I have voice recordings too. Not sure if I'm allowed to use any of that, and not sure I even want to.

All I want is to amicably separate and co parent our son. That's all 🙁

Otter71 - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I must admit that is a huge fear that my son will start to treat me like it.

User - so sorry you wen through that, sounds so familiar to me.

I believe that he can't possibly love me. You can't treat someone like this and love them. He likes to keep up appearances and pretend we have a happy family. The cruel thing is - we actually could have if he just learned how to be a decent human being.

In what way does he make your life hell? That's also what I'm afraid of. It terrifies me. I'm tied to him forever.

Look, he doesn't love you. He doesn't even want you and he wishes you'd died on the operating table. How much clearer does he have to make it? He could even be dangerous. He may not have assaulted you yet, but he might do. You're not tied to him forever. You need to go.

I know he doesn't.

I guess I feel tied to him because we have a son. Our families are close too,
His brother is married to my best friend and they have children. I'll always be tied to him as I'll see him through them.

It's not just as simple as up and leaving. I need to get him to mutually separate and try and amicably raise our son 🙁

Talk to women's aid. Your husband is being verbally abusive and - I am sorry to say - it rarely gets better. It may well accelerate with the divorce as he feels more threatened. You want to reasonably co parent, but in practice it's likely he will try every trick in the book to "punish" you through your child.

If you want to leave, get the info you need to do so: specifically a good solicitor. Ask around and get one that deals with idiots like your ex. Make sure you are not dependent on him for childcare or financial help when you split: the less power he has, the better you will be.

In the meantime, "Why does he do that" book gets recommended on here.

You want him to be somebody he’s never going to be. He won’t suddenly say ‘ you know what you’re right, lets mutually separate and raise our son together’ never gonna happen.
Get legal advice. He is verbally abusive now could very easily cross over to physical abuse.
And furthermore when your son is a little older and starts being ‘ naughty’ what will he say to him?

Oh my lovely, he is horribly abusive and even worse that he thinks nothing of doing it in front of your DS. It's crazy making, he knows it. You're playing a game where you don't know the rules and even when you figure out a 'rule' and fall into line, he changes the secret rules and you are wrong again.
You will be so so so much better off without him and you'll be modelling an excellent example for your DS.

Women's Aid (local usually more responsive. They also have an online chat service).
Domestic Abuse helpline 0808 2000 247
See a solicitor (my local women's aid was a good shout as they had details of solicitors with experience in domestic abuse). Many do 30 mins free consultation.
Tell your family everything. Let them be there for you. It sounds as though they know what's going off. They are probably caught in a place where they don't want to interfere in case they push you away. If you ask for help, it sounds as though you will get it.