Husband refuses to separate / sell house / accept its over

[Ljstar]

We've been together nearly 10 years. Married for 5 years in March.

He's a great dad, adores our son.

He's not a get husband, friend or companion.

I can't do anything right, I get shouted and sworn at daily (fat, scum, useless, good for nothing, fatty pig pig, smelly) DAILY.

I can't take this anymore 😰
I appreciate I married him and I have made my bed, so I should lie in it but I feel helpless. I suffer with anxiety and it seems to be getting worse.

I don't want my child listening to him verbally ridiculing me anymore.

He won't admit the marriage is over, we own our house, there's around 80k equity. He can't afford to buy me out so we'd HAVE to sell. He won't agree to any of that and if I bring it us he just says "shut up bitch" and walks off.

He says he'll fight me in court for custody if I try and leave.

Help 💔

Oh do the freedom programme too. Online or in person.

He will NEVER give you permission to leave. He'll never accept it's over.
You don't need his permission or his approval. You are worth so much more x

Others are right, he will never agree to a separation so you will have to do all the work.

what you have described comes under the domestic abuse category which is now a crime. You will need proof if you want to proceed on having him charged or indeed getting a harassment order against him. Proof would be things like recording his abuse on your phone which obviously would carry the date and time with it and show the frequency of his insults

What do you have photos of? Does he physically abuse you as well?

OP please call/chat online to Women's Aid and gets some advice & support. They're fabulous www.womensaid.org.uk

I have recordings of verbal abuse, dating back years. He's occasionally done something to bruise me. Not hit. Maybe dug his arm into me, stood on my foot, pinched me.

Some have said pack up and leave and others have said don't leave the house? Do I lose my rights to the house if I move out?

I'm tempted to hand him divorce papers in front of his family.

it's really bizarre. He's such a strange character. Deep down I think he's ill. Mentally ill. I don't think he does this on purpose. I don't think he thinks of himself as an abuser. And I'm not making excuses for him, I don't love or even like him. I just want to divorce and co parent. I can't understand why it's so hard to get to that point.

He has a daughter from a previous relationship. His relationship with her was lovely, until we got married and his ex was very bitter (god knows why?!) and she started to prevent access. He hasn't seen his daughter in 6 years, he says now no one will ever stop him seeing his son.

I just want out.

Please please contact Women's Aid.
Talk to your doctor.
If you can bring yourself to do it, report the abuse to the police.

Any "official" reports to DVA organisations, HCPs, police, etc will be invaluable when you go through the legal process of separation and divorce, including the crucial questions of the house and child contact.

For legal advice I would suggest you call the Rights of Women family law helpline. Hopefully Women's Aid and/or RoW can point you in the direction of local solicitors with experience in DVA. If not your local citizens advice should have a list of local law clinics and solicitors including any who offer a free initial consultation.

Ideally you would get an occupation order to stay in the house and make him leave. But you need to report the abuse and get good legal advice first.

Good luck

How are you going?

Thank you all for your advice.

I have a solicitors appointment on the 9th of January. I asked again for divorce and he replied "divorce me if you want"

Today our son has opened his post (he gets excited when the post man comes and sometimes opens both our post)

I did get nosey and looked at his bank statement. He's gambling with online gambling sites, £50 - £100 a day. Sometimes he wins but mainly it's money going out.

I also noticed he's increased his overdraft from
£50 - £2500 and it's been maxed out during November and December this year. I'm a little in shock.

Financially - I have a bit of savings with my mum (in her account) we have no joint accounts and no joint loans or credit cards.
The only joint thing we have is our mortgage.

Does anyone have any idea how this will go? Am I liable for his debts / credit cards?

I have my own loan, in my own name which I hope to pay off in the next 6 months.

I'm also at university and claim a maintenance loan, is he entitled to that?

I feel excited (and terrified) at the prospect of leaving him.

Lots to process, so legal advice certainly helpful.
Divorce involves looking at the full range of debts and assets, then trying to configure things in a way that (a) makes sure kids have somewhere to live and a means of support, and (b) is fair to the parents. But money can only stretch so far.

Don't believe those who promise a very rosy future where you stay in the house and he pays all the bills for decades - nor those who say you'll end up with nothing. Expect something in between. Need to look at all assets (any pension schemes); and future earnings potential; and note child maintenance should be payable unless childcare is 50/50. What are you prospects when you complete university, and when is that? Could you then afford the mortgage on the current place? That could be an important time-point to think about.

My plan is midwifery eventually, my current degree is "birth and beyond" I'll be a qualified Doula and breastfeeding specialist.

I definitely won't be able to stay in the house, neither will he. We rely on each other's salary to obtain the mortgage. My credit is great, his is awful and he wasn't allowed a mortgage full stop without me.

I want to sell the house and split the equity 50/50.
I want custody but happy for him to have access 2-3 days a week.

Neither of us have great pensions, only recently making contributions, less than £10k each.

We have no savings, apart from my small amount with my mum.

It sounds fairly straight forward? But I guess he could contend and say he wants more equity couldn't he?

Yes that sounds potentially straightforward, particularly if the two of you can agree (!). A 50% split of equity and agreed split of child arrangements could proceed -- but if the guy wants to argue, it will take longer and cost a lot more to do. It is quite common for the person looking after any kids to get >50%, but not always and more now seem to be going 50/50.

Your son is only young and probably still pretty compliant and only sees the fun parts of his Dad. Once he gets old enough to have his own opinion your H will probably go off him pretty fast

You keep saying you ASK him for a divorce. You don't have to ask him, you don't need his permission, you can file for divorce if you want to, he doesn't have to agree!

Thanks hoppingreen. My family keep telling me I'll get the house and he'll have to pay x,y and z but I know things don't work like that anymore.
I'm more than happy to split the equity. I paid the initial deposit on our first house (£18k) and at that point the house was solely in my name. We only bought a house together a year ago, but even still he can have half.

Sleepingboy I need his signature to divorce though right ? Technically he can refuse and we have to be separated 2 years for a court to over rule that?

You divorce him on unreasonable grounds if he won't sign off then ultimately I believe a judge can on his behalf.

I would ask for 70% and settle for 55/60% if you are going to be primary parent and need to house DC. Earning potential comes in to it too.

It may help feel that he has "won" if you "compromise" downwards, whereas you off 50% he will likely insist of more etc.

Randomness
That's good advice. I will take that on board and ask for higher initially, with the intention to settle for less

I think the initial part of handing him divorce papers is going to be so scary but the prospect of finally be free (in a sense) just makes me be able to breathe slightly.

Luckily my mum has a rental that she has said we can move to (at a reduced rate) then I hope to do a shared ownership scheme to get a foot back on the property ladder.

I just hope and pray it doesn't turn too hostile. He knows the marriage is done, he hates me I can see it. He won't want to give his house up though and has already said divorce be too expensive for him (costs and then Child Maintenance)

Hang on in there, remind him that being reasonable and agreeing to divorce and splitting the equity will save him an awful lot of money...

The only advice I can offer is to be patient. It took my STBEX almost 18 months to accept that I wanted a divorce. He was stuck in the denial stage for a long time. It is awful and I've felt trapped. But slowly now we are moving closer to separating. Hopefully he will be moving out in the new year. Good luck

Blacktulip I'm glad your stbex has finally accepted it.
Is he hostile towards you?

My dh is very hostile so I think I may need to move out once I hand him the papers. Even then I think he'll try and say I can't take our son. He has no rational mind. He works 6 says a week, mostly 7 and Starts at 5am. So it's not even feasible for him to have custody but I'm sure he'll fight if.

I'm even thinking I may need to move out whilst he's at work. But is that allowed ? Is it legal to just move out with his son without telling him? Can I still force the sale of a house i no longer live in?

Scary stuff. I love thinking about being divorced. Hate thinking about how I'm going to get there.

Yes you can move out with your DS (as could he).

Talk to your solicitor and get advice on moving and custody arrangements.

I'd write all these questions down for your solicitors appointment and ask them. I'd want solid advice from a professional on that rather than taking advice from here that could potentially cause issues down the line.

In the meantime can you move some stuff subtly to your mums? Things like yours and your sons passport, birth certificate, any other important docs (pension summary, bank statements, mortgage statements, any other docs related to the house) and anything sentimental. Just in case you do have to go quickly while he's at work.

Could you also hide an emergency bag with enough clothes/ essentials in for a couple of days for you both should you need to go even quicker?

Hope it goes smoothly for you though. You're doing the right thing getting your Son out of that situation.

Yes I've already started to box up sentimental things that I'll take to my mums soon.

Passport will be much more difficult, he keeps them in "his room" and will for sure notice if it's gone.
I can just notify the passport office of it being lost though right?
I am going to start sending clothes to my mums, and essentials. I regularly do out our wardrobes so he won't notice that at all.

I wondered about the household bills, mostly in joint names. How do I go about getting my name off them?
I pay all the bills, mortgage, Insurance's, food, everything 😕

Dh transfers me money weekly from his salary

OP, have you contacted Women's Aid yet?
If not, why not?
I am concerned that you are at risk and you need specialist advice about leaving as safely as possible. Leaving an abusive partner is when you are most at risk from them. You've already told him you want a divorce and you've said he is hostile towards you. He knows you want out and as soon as he realises you mean it he's going to get nasty.
You need to leave while he's out at work and don't give him any warning that you're going to do it. Before you do, get advice from women's aid.
Oh and take the passports with you. (No you can't just report it lost.)