Husband refuses to separate / sell house / accept its over

[Ljstar]

We've been together nearly 10 years. Married for 5 years in March.

He's a great dad, adores our son.

He's not a get husband, friend or companion.

I can't do anything right, I get shouted and sworn at daily (fat, scum, useless, good for nothing, fatty pig pig, smelly) DAILY.

I can't take this anymore 😰
I appreciate I married him and I have made my bed, so I should lie in it but I feel helpless. I suffer with anxiety and it seems to be getting worse.

I don't want my child listening to him verbally ridiculing me anymore.

He won't admit the marriage is over, we own our house, there's around 80k equity. He can't afford to buy me out so we'd HAVE to sell. He won't agree to any of that and if I bring it us he just says "shut up bitch" and walks off.

He says he'll fight me in court for custody if I try and leave.

Help 💔

You are doing wonderfully, OP. Keep on the path you are going.

To jump back on the thread, this stood out to me: His relationship with her was lovely, until we got married and his ex was very bitter (god knows why?!) and she started to prevent access. He hasn't seen his daughter in 6 years, he says now no one will ever stop him seeing his son.

Is he the source of this info (ie do you know directly from the ex that she was bitter and has prevented access?) It sounds like the sort of lies someone cooks up when they are trying to justify abandoning their child. I would bet good money the opposite of the above us true (the ex was happy to see the back of him and he hasn't bothered to maintain contact with his daughter)

Oh and regarding the equity, you should get £49k and he should get £31k. (So you recoup your £18k before the rest is divided 50/50.)

And no, you aren't liable for his personal debts - credit cards, overdraft on his sole account etc. The way you deal with household utility bills is to contact the providers (Bgas, the Water board, council etc.) and notify them that you are moving out and terminating the contract. Then he will have to set it up again in his sole name). Let him know after you have moved out.

Do not mention your savings to anyone. As they are in your Mum's name they don't count as yours.

Once you separate, apply for benefits,

Keep as much correspondence in writing as evidence of what is said.

You are doing a great job of making plans to leave.
Leave the passport for last and take it as you walk out the door the last time.

I have told my sister and dad. I haven't gone into great detail but today I told my sisters he's abusive, angry and vile. She said she doesn't know how I've lasted this long and even she can tell he has issues.

I have a plan. My plan will take around 6 months to execute.

My sister has offered me some hours working with her to bump my salary. My mum has offered me her flat so that when we move we have somewhere to go.

I am going to clear any small debts I have in the next few months.

Is there anything I'm forgetting to do?

I just want half the house. Not asking for a penny more.

It is quite possible he will stop paying the mortgage to spite you, delay selling it etc.

I would research how you legally force sale of it, how is it owned legally etc. Get legal advice that is accurate for your situation.

Yes I'm sure he will do that. He cares nothing about his own credit. I feel so stupid. This time two years ago, we lived in a house solely owned by me. The mortgage was only £300 a month.

My solicitors appointment isn't for a few weeks so I'm just trying to do anything I can to prepare as much as possible.

Good for you OP. Keep planning and hang on in there.

Tell the mortgage company what is going on and ask about a mortgage holiday if he fails to pay.

Honestly ensure legal costs are paid from the equity and any mortgage payments he missed also come from the equity before its split, or better still his share seeing as you will be having to pay rent.

Thank you all.
This post has literally been invaluable.

If anyone has personal experience and wouldn't mind chatting privately about their experience I would really appreciate it. It's all consuming at the minute and the fear sometimes takes over.

One minute I feel excited that I may get my life back and then the next minute I feel sick about it.

I've been through infertility, IVF, ectopic pregnancy - and very nearly died in July but this by far is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and it's not even really started yet

I think I've finally decided I'm worth it. I'm worth something and I don't deserve this! It's liberating but terrifying.

I think I've finally decided I'm worth it. I'm worth something and I don't deserve this!

You most certainly are, OP!

Thank you!!

I accessed the secret email address I've been sending voice recordings, pictures and diary entries to. I'm shocked 😱 it was harrowing.

At one point, although I'm sure he meant it as a saying rather than a threat he says "I'm going to kill your mother one day"

I've contacted women's aid. My solicitors appt is next week and I am thinking of going to my GP and explaining the situation.

I also remember last year he became really violent and I called 999 as I think he was threatening me, would that have recorded that? The police showed up and I pretended it was a normal domestic argument. He doesn't know the police turned up he'd fallen in a drunken sleep by then.

Your son your son..if only you knew how fast the years go by..youll be left some day ..
Are you happy ..are you willing to start over..do you want to be at peace.
Get legal advice go from there you have support .
Its difficult but do it dont leave it the situation will NEVER get better

Palaver1 when you say I'll be left one day. What do you mean?

I am taking all the steps I can so that we can safely leave and have as much support as we can.

Dh has come home today saying he's beeb promoted and has had a significant payrise but hasn't told his friends and family and has told me not to tell anyone
It all seems a bit odd really.

All calls to police and ambulance are recorded and stored for years, if it's needed as evidence they will be able to find it.
Stay strong, so what you need to do. It will all be over soon.
I would see about getting the passport and birth certificate out of the house anyway you can.
Make sure they are secure x

@Ljstar. Definitely birth certificates and the marriage certificate. You can’t file without it. Leave these with yourself solicitor so you know their safe.
If you can’t get passports take copies so you can cancel them if needed.
When you file there is some order you can request at the same time. This ensures he keeps paying his share of the bills to run the house. You can also get an occupational order if violent.

You should be so proud of yourself.

Stay strong OP, you sound amazing.

Only s few days to your appointment.
Go with a list of questions and write the replies down.
Solicitor does not need to hear the whole story, that will cost you a fortune.
Just needs to know he has been abusive and you have evidence.
Then find out what you are entitled to.
Take copies of financial statements, let lawyer know about the gambling to try and protect you from further debt.
Good luck

I just want to add to the voices that I think your amazing and I wish you well xx

Thank you all 💜💜

Just a quick update from my solicitors appointment:

The first step is:

• File for divorce, can do online £550. (My expense)

• serve him the papers and have proof he received them

-if he refuses to sign, take him to court (my expense) and tell them why I want to divorce (alcohol, verbal abuse)

• court will grant that then they start looking at children & finances

-usually it’s deemed you’ll have 50/50 share of any equity, unless someone contests and takes the other to Court

-if one person refuses to sell, the other person has to apply to the court for a court order house sale (my cost) £5-£10k

• he can request joint custody and if he does it’s up to me to refute it in a court of law and give solid reasons why, evidence it etc

-neither one person can demand the other leaves family home

• I can request to remain in the house with his name on the mortgage until Our son is 16 and then sell / split the equity

• I can request he pays a share towards mortgage if I stay

• I can not legally make him leave without actual threat to mine or our son's safety

-I can leave the martial home and still claim my 50% share of equity once the house is sold.

I think under the circumstances once you serve him with papers leaving the marital home is the safest option. Move into your mum's rental and force the sale of the house I know he will fight it and it will cost you money in court but you need to be free of him. Realistically he's not going to look for 50/50 custody when he works 7 days a week.
I think you are brave and amazing. You will do this and you will have a great life without him x

I'm in exactly the same situation. I hope it's all going well for you.. keep strong, any updates would be great to hear.. wishing you all the best x

Take what you have to the police and ask for advice. There may be enough for a non mol order which could force him to leave

Sorry wrong thread