Husband says I don't deserve half?

[boymum9]

We've been separated a year ish and have decided to start divorce proceedings. We had a pretty up and down first few months of being separated (can look back through my previous threads if of interest) but things have settled considerably.

We're on the same page with everything aside from how the money from our house will be divided. I assumed it would be 50/50 because it's in joint names, but he says I "don't deserve" half.

This is coming from these facts:

1. Stay at home mum to 2 children, 2 and 4.
2. For the bulk of our relationship we moved most years around the country for his work and I followed and therefore never settled into a career to be able to contribute financially.

I have my first appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday and we're hoping to go down the "collaborative law" route to make things quicker and easier and less fighting over things as we get on fairly well. I will obviously find out where I stand when I go to the lawyers but will I be naive going in assuming that assets will be split 50/50 even if I didn't contribute financially? If I am being naive that's something I can accept and will happily work to what's appropriate!

Anyone have any advice?!

The court won’t go back and decide whether it was reasonable for you to travel with him or whether you could have worked. Read the law the conduct of parties is almost never taken into account unless extreme eg domestic violence. The court will look at what the children need. Is there enough equity for 2 equal size homes - probably not - probably you will get most equity or keep house as only way to house children. You cannot house your children with £100000 in most areas of country so you will need more. In many areas you will need all £350k equity to afford a home for children. Who earned what or what choices were made are irrelevant with this level of capital. He’s clearly trying make you doubt your choices just take yourself out the picture. How much will it cost for your children to have a home with you as their live in main carer? What mortgage capacity if any do you have. What benefits and CM are you entitled to (maybe little CM if children are 50% with him). What can you do in future to increase your income and how long will that take eg when children in school. Do you need spousal maintenance for a few years to get on your feet. What will childcare costs be. Will he have children before and after school on his days so you can work or he pays childcare. The first thing the court is interested in is housing the children with the main carer and only once that’s achieved does anything else come into play. You need to know value of his business and pension and any savings he has kept separate. Value of cars. Shares. All assets not just house. Could you downsize to a smaller house and would that actually release any money after moving costs, stamp duty etc. Do you have a support network or family you could move nearby to help you be able to work. Look up the factors the court will consider and work through them and be realistic about what the children need to live. That’s your starting point not whether you both could have made different decisions in past. If he moves in with this GF with the £250k equity he wants and is a 2 income household with his pension intact his lifestyle will barely change. He will allow you £100k to house his children and meet all their needs - he’s deluded if he thinks a court would find that fair. Tell him to go and look at homes costing £100k and whether that’s what he wants his children to grow up in. You can’t magic a well paid job that fits around children out of thin air.

It doesn't sound as though he's going to have the children 50/50 given the op says nights are 60/40 but days nowhere near - "if he's ever able to be around for the children when he's not working he will be".

As the children are 2 and 4 years old he'd need to work around the children or employ a full time nanny for at least the next 5 years to have the children 50/50. Is he likely to do that OP?

He laying the groundwork, so that when you do end up
With 50/50 you’ll feel massively lucky. Whereas with a good lawyer you could get more than 50%.

I agree with him that you don’t deserve half, l think you deserve more. You have made a lot of sacrifices for him and disadvantaged yourself. I think legally and morally you need compensating for this

Yeah l agree he sounds like a twat. My ex husband tried to pull a similar stunt. My solicitor made clear what l was entitled to and my ex solicitor lm guess did the same as he had the sense to give me a decent settlement

Oh and as others have said don’t forget his pension or other investments

OP, he is not being at all reasonable and he is EXTEMELY controlling. The examples you give are outrageous.

Also he has shot your boundaries to smithereens. So that you don’t recognise it. This is not your fault, it is a result of his control.

“he said he would give me no more than 100k, pay me that but so I can stay in the house for the time being while youngest is not at school yet and until I can go and work full time to give them some stability for now, so in theory that sounded reasonable?!”

It isn’t reasonable and it isn’t the basis upon which divorces are negotiated or the usual legal outcome.

I beg you not t engage in any informal discussion directly with him. Once he finds out that the assets of the marriage are legally joint, and that the resident parent is likely to get mire if the equity he will start to hide his money and pull stunts like fighting for residency or 50/50 residency so that you are not entitled to maintenance.

Speak to your lawyer ASAP and tell them everything - tell them about the camera, the theft of letters etc.

Get a good solicitor. He should be fighting for more than half. As a absolute minimum 50% plus a good amount in child support.

I mean You - not he.

I'm not divorced but would think that you would be entitled to more than 50% as you have given up your career and pension to raise children, like others have said.
He knows exactly what he is doing, how dare he just offer £100K when the house is worth 5 times that! It sounds like he is good at almost brainwashing you into thinking you don't deserve/ are not worth much. My father used to say to my mother she didn't deserve anything as she didn't "contribute" even though she had 4 children and he worked away. This is why I always worked part time after the kids were born so I had my own money but not everyone can do this due to childcare- I've got a supportive husband who does a lot of childcare.
Time to get tough, good luck with the solicitor- tell them everything he has done like PP have said.

Collaborate I think is the only lawyer who has responded so be wise to listen to his advice

As a general rule clean breaks are preferred if they can be achieved ( which could mean you are due a higher % of joint assets to achieve this)

Spousal maintenance is generally reserved if a clean break cannot be achieved, or for very long marriages or for a short time to allow someone back onto their feet

You will also be expected to seek employment and maximise earnings to achieve this ( although spousal may be awarded for an interim period while children are young )

What career did you give up / what’s your earning potential ? Are you planning of returning to work ? What’s the length of marriage?

A solicitor is best placed to advise on a fair outcome for you with all facts to hand

Rgds
K

50/50

And as primary carer to your two young children it may be more.

He’s in for a shock. See a good solicitor.

Thank you for everyone's replies, they're very much appreciated!

We've been married for 5 years and were together for 11. Career wise what I was doing when I was working wasn't hugely highly paid, but also have large student loans that are yet to be paid off.

The area we live is rather expensive and for reference the property we own is a 2 bed flat (with garden and parking) and valued at 550-575k, so no would not be able to buy in the area or surrounding with 100k, mortgage potential would be nothing right now we haven't worked in quite some time!

I beg you not t engage in any informal discussion directly with him. Once he finds out that the assets of the marriage are legally joint, and that the resident parent is likely to get mire if the equity he will start to hide his money and pull stunts like fighting for residency or 50/50 residency so that you are not entitled to maintenance.

THIS ^^

Do not go into this process expecting fair play from him.

Be prepared to fight. You have nothing to lose by fighting hard for your rights and your child's rights. The relationship is over. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you any more.

Yep, don’t talk to him. The moment mine realised Gad more right to the assets as I was the primary career he just went full on demanding to have DS 50/50.

I knew he didn’t have a chance in hell as he traveled a lot and we didn’t have any family around but... it still cist a fortune in court to keep such nonsense at bay.

May I ask what is the equity you have in the flat? You don’t want to spend thousands of pounds in court just to find out that getting a shrink of it doesn’t make much difference and creates a lot of heartache and anxiety.

Not a shrink, as hunk of the equity.

He can think what the fuck he likes. It's not up to him. What an arsehole.

@IdiotInDisguise we have about 400k equity give or take depending on what it sold for

If he has a better future earning potential because you gave up work isn’t there a chance you could get more than 50%? I think it goes on need....not who put what in.

But, yes best advice is see a solicitor and ignore everything he says. What he thinks you deserve has no bearing on the matter.

He's totally right:you don't deserve 50:50....you deserve more!

Following him around the country sacrificing earnings and pension to facilitate his career...seriously you have contributed. There is no argument for deviation from 50:50 so go with that.

It isn’t the amount of financial contribution, or sacrifice that counts. It is what is needed primarily to house and support the children. That is why if the children live mostly with you, as their primary Carer which you have been, you are most likely entitled to 50, 60 or even 70% of the equity.

The marriage contract, you know, those vows he uttered, is one of partnership in which the assets are jointly owned.

Talk to your solicitor. Do not engage with his talk. He is trying to diddle you.

That’s worth fighting then.

Married for 5 years is considered a short marriage.

Even though you were unemployed, the claim of economic disadvantage will carry small weight as it's such a short marriage.

Rule of thumb: only profit/loss from duration of marriage is divided equally. In Scotland this is quite strict. In England, pre-marital assets are "generally" also considered depending on needs of the parties. But even then, the short mart

But yes. Your being naieve to think it's 50% of everything. It is only 50% if what was earned during marriage.

Where does he expect you to live with the kids on your generous 100k? A shoebox?

Your being naive to think it's 50% of everything.

Only the marital profit/loss is split equally.

You have a valid claim to economic disadvantage due to being a stay at home mum but a mere 4 years isn't enough to justify a full slice of 50%.

Sorry but he is right. It really depends on timelines and earnings. Chat to solicitor about what is marital and not.

Rule of thumb: only the marital part is divided by 2.

There are two children aged 2 and 4 and she is the main carer.
Her exH's career involved frequent moves, reducing her ability to hold down even a job bagging groceries.
The flat is the family home.

bevanevemy.co.uk/how-to-divide-assets-in-a-uk-divorce/

Take a look at this ^, @boymum9.