Husband says I don't deserve half?

[boymum9]

We've been separated a year ish and have decided to start divorce proceedings. We had a pretty up and down first few months of being separated (can look back through my previous threads if of interest) but things have settled considerably.

We're on the same page with everything aside from how the money from our house will be divided. I assumed it would be 50/50 because it's in joint names, but he says I "don't deserve" half.

This is coming from these facts:

1. Stay at home mum to 2 children, 2 and 4.
2. For the bulk of our relationship we moved most years around the country for his work and I followed and therefore never settled into a career to be able to contribute financially.

I have my first appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday and we're hoping to go down the "collaborative law" route to make things quicker and easier and less fighting over things as we get on fairly well. I will obviously find out where I stand when I go to the lawyers but will I be naive going in assuming that assets will be split 50/50 even if I didn't contribute financially? If I am being naive that's something I can accept and will happily work to what's appropriate!

Anyone have any advice?!

I see the solicitor on Tuesday @Loopytiles for the first time, so hopefully will understand better where I stand then!

Don't let him fool you by the good dad bit. Being a good dad isn't an excuse for everything, being a good dad is the bare minimum and if he really cared about the kids he wouldn't want to screw you over. Plus will he be such a good dad when a new girlfriend is on the scene?

of course you dont deserve half, you lazy wife and mother, living the life of Riley looking after your mutual children while he slaves away. Please get a decent lawyer as soon as you can.

Btw-cant see if it's been said but I assume you have copies of all joint bank account statements and his personal ones if you can access them? Any information about the business, especially copies of accounts would be good. Also, details of the mortgage-all will assist the solicitor in building up a good view of the true financial.position. if you have a joint account and he is behaving well with it then I would keep it open but advise the bank that you dont consent to the overdraft facility being used (if a debt is accrued you will be jointly liable). Of course, if it gets nasty be aware one of you can clear that account...don't let it be him!

@MissMarpletheMurderer I don't know further down the line, but he's been with someone since about July and since seems to have been more hands on and doing on, I've not met her and neither have the children but from what I understand she seems very understanding in our situation and making sure the children are put first and his main focus is them and for us to have a good relationship for them which is great but who knows down the line

He has a history of being rather controlling, not in a hugely outward way that other people particularly noticed but emotionally, although did once prior to having children put a camera up (for a day apparently)in our house without me knowing to see what I was doing. Recently he went through all my belongings in order to find letters he'd written me when we first separated which show him in a rather unfavourable light and took those. He's stood at my window and listened to my phone conversations as well as turned up unannounced to see what I'm doing, there is more but it's written in previous posts and would take a while to get through!
....
I feel like I can't win!

Correct, you can't win. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. This is how all victims of emotional and psychological abuse feel because emotional and psychological abuse is all about grinding you down, making you second guess your decisions and performance, and generally causing you to feel that you have no option but to play nice and try to guess at all times what course of action will cause you the least grief from the abuser.

Hence I suspect this decision:
we're hoping to go down the "collaborative law" route to make things quicker and easier and less fighting over things as we get on fairly well.

There is no way in hell I would agree to do collaborative divorce with this abusive horror. He wants the collaborative law approach because he hopes he will be able to get away with far less financial obligation to you and I think you are afraid to confront him so the concept of 'collaboration' makes you feel more comfortable.

His notions about you 'deserving' less than 50-50 should be an indication of the way the wind is blowing. It's more of the same emotional and psychological battering that is in store for you, not collaboration.

Make sure your solicitor is a very good one. When you have your appointment next week, ask how comfortable s/he is with respondents who are abusive and likely to be stubborn, un-cooperative, nasty, and possibly inclined to thumb his nose at the law. How much experience does your sol have in traditional adversarial proceedings?

Be prepared to drop the pretence of 'collaboration' - your STBX already has with his remarks on what you 'deserve' - and be ready to get adversarial.

Get a counselor for yourself to support you through the divorce. You will need one.

It is not possible to divorce an abusive man amicably or even civilly. Prepare to duke it out.

No one can tell you with confidence what you'll get but the reasons he gives for you getting less than half are wrong/bogus. This will come out (probably from his own lawyer) in the collaborative process.

In fact the reasons he gives are all reasons why you should get more than half, but there is a lot more that needs to be taken in to account.

Boymum9

I'm so glad you have an appointment booked. I totally agree with what the other posters have said. He is in for a nasty surprise. He sounds a bit like my ex was when it came to formally divorcing.. ie he was so used to being the controlling one and calling the shots in our marriage that he thought this balance of power would extend to when we were no longer together. For me it took a while to get my head to round this (as I was so used to him being 'in charge') and to realise I had just as much power as him, and that I had to fight my corner to protect myself.

As others have said, any solicitor will ensure that both parties needs (housing and otherwise) ) are met long term. Where would his solution leave you longer term?!!

The starting point is always 50/50 but as others have said, the primary carer will pretty much always receive more. 60-40 or 70-30 .. each case is unique.

You need to document your moves that you made, and make a note of all of the sacrifices you have made in order to support his career.

He sounds like he is going to go for it and won't he happy once he meets with his solicitor so you need to get as much knowledge behind you as possible. I felt far less threatened going into mediation once I knew what the most likely outcome would be.

I worked full time whilst we were together but I have also heard about some stay at home parents also seeking spousal maintenance. I think it's less common these days but ask a pout it in your meeting. Good luck!

Do not agree to anything, he's trying to cheat you out of what you are potentially entitled to. Ignore his reasons, he's entitled to his opinion, but that's all it is, his opinion. Get a good solicitor (see a few if necessary). He is not your friend OP

It can be collaborative but you need to be mindful of who he is showing himself to be. A very good mediator could help. One of their roles is reality checking solutions you come up with. So, even if you both agreed 50:50, a good mediator would look at whether that would work in practice in the short, medium and long term.

Knew a brilliant mediator who really 'got' control dramas. She usually got people to reach settlement in a maximum of 4 sessions (sometimes long ones). She said that often her role was to flag up how unreasonable one party was being and then send them back to court as the only way of dealing with them. But at least by then, the party trying to reach settlement knew it wasn't them!

Arbitration is a cheaper option and may well achieve the same thing but, again, requires an ability to compromise.

@boymum9

Reading back through some of his actions, it's clear the gloves are off for him and he had started playing dirty some time ago. You don't need to do that, however what you do need to do is stop trusting anything he says and know that he is now firmly looking after his own agenda.. so you need to do the same. Solicitors do have to recommend mediation (I think legally?) but it sounds like that could be difficult with someone like him. It also sounds as if he is so used to being in control of matters when it comes to you that he still thinks he can dictate what happens. He won't like this shift in dynamic and this feeling of loss that he will have. But stand firm.

He's trying to bully you. You will get half. Ignore him and listen to your solicitor. Raising his children and enabling him to do his work is a job.

I think he is off the mark here TBH. Most modern divorces these days will favour at least an equal split .Quite probably more as small children are involved .He sounds like a complete arse ,who thinks that SAHMS are having a good time drinking coffee ,and seeing friends, while he does all the "hard work"! Well basically I think you are well rid of him!

As he's self employed even more important to go for a clean break and get as much as possible now...

How much maintenance is he paying for the DC at the moment? I'm sure he'll find every way possible to pay a minimal amount in the future.

You would probs get either 70/30 or 60/40 in a court in your favour based on settlements I've seen my friends awarded.

The minimum amount you 'deserve' is a simple 50%.
In reality, your share should be much higher because you have lower future earning potential due to halting your career to support his, and due to your contribution of childcare and house hold services.
Don't listen to his rubbish, aim as high as possible, it's not just a matter of settling between you and him, it's also a matter of your children's future financial serurity and their home with you.

You are more likely to get more than 60%! If you gave up your career for him they award you more

He will continue on with his career- you will continue to raise the children with a part time job to fit around them. His career will continue to progress- you'll need to get one. You have not contributed less- and without you raising the children, he could not have contributed what he had to his career. Bollocks you haven't contributed. You've moved around for his career. Don't let him dictate the divorce solely as he had where you've lived so far. I assume if he lives off for work again he will expect you to pick up the slack with any visitation that he does have currently? I'd hope maybe his lawyer would poi t out the same.

Ps I'm getting 100% of the house because I sacrificed my career for him and the kids, I don't earn enough for a mortgage (but can afford the bills etc)

Thank you OP for asking those question, after 5 years of separation in trying to get financial settlement and divorce, but husband in martial home and I have very little available income to pay for solicitors. I've had advice from Wikivorce, which was helpful. She basically said that 50-50 was starting point plus a negotiated % of pension.

I gave up career for 11 years so have very little pension.

Ex and I share children 50:50 which works well, but I'm led to believe affects my right to more than a 50% share of house. He can't afford to buy me out anyway and I can't afford solicitor.

Tread carefully, being entitled to something and actually being able to get it are different things.

I suspect all this being hands on with the DC and saying you can stay in the house until youngest goes to school is all show - making out to his gf that he is a wonderful Dad and DH and how you are crazy/a liar.

Poor women will be taken in by him!

He clearly thinks that the joint assets of your marriage are his to "bestow" (or not) as he sees fit. Fortunately, the law does not view it the same way.

I think he is going to have a shock at what you are actually entitled too, to what he thinks you are entitled too. The kids are still very young and I take it will stay with you, and I can see you getting a higher percentage than 100k lol. listen to your solicitor on Tuesday and let them do all the dealing. Good luck

What ye thinks you deserve is irrelevant, thankfully 🤣

I don’t know where you live but if your share of the house equity wouldn’t comfortably allow you to buy a place for you and the children to live in then a Mesher order could be appropriate. Mine says that I can live in the house until our child is 18 and he will pay half the mortgage.