I’m 37 and I’ve been married for 15 years, together with dh since I was 20. He’s eight years older than me.
We have two dc, 11 and 3.
In essence our marriage has never felt right to me. I married too young and he has always been in ‘control.’ I am slightly wary of him as he has a temper - he holds it together most of the time but he will snap if challenged. He had a good job and a house when we met and the fact he was financially better off and older means that he’s always had the control.
I’m now a sahm but I have no access to finances and he makes all financial decisions.
We don’t row. He would say everything was great. But partly why we don’t is I will back down because I’m slightly scared of him. I have no reason to be exactly. He’s never been physically aggressive but he will say things like ‘don’t talk to me at the moment or I might do something I will regret.’ Which feels like a vague threat. He will hiss through his teeth and his whole face changes. I am scared of him but I don’t know why.
Also I’m so bored. I know that’s a terrible reason to want to divorce but I am. We have nothing in common. I don’t like his family or his friends. He has nothing to do with my family and friends (they don’t like him) and we have totally different values.
He plays golf every single Saturday all day and spends Sunday at his mother’s. I never factor him into our weekend plans. He works away a fair bit but also plays golf at least one night in the week. In the summer as many as three evenings a week. When he’s here he lies on the sofa watching television and says it’s his tv and he’s watching what he wants. My evenings are spent in silence with things like deep space nine on tv.
There is a small element of control, he is happy for me to go out with my friends sometimes but he won’t let me have a night away with them. On the other hand he has been away on numerous stag and birthday events, sometimes for several days. He also occasionally goes out with his friends and gets very drunk and stops at his mum’s after as she lives by them. He then spends all the following day in bed, this is rare though. Maybe only three times a year and I don’t begrudge him a night out with his friends.
I just want more than this. I don’t think he will ever provide it. It’s so selfish though isn’t it. The children will suffer. I know dh would feel very much that he provides financially for us and I’m just throwing it back in his face. He loves the children even if he spends very little time with them.
I feel like it isn’t normal to not have any time together as a family unit apart from the odd holiday. I don’t see him a single part of our family anymore if I’m honest.
In addition he’s only ever had both children on his own (apart from when they are in bed) once and he’s never taken either of them anywhere apart from to his mum’s and he’s taken ds to the cinema. Once. He does take ds to his hobby every few weeks but that just involves dropping and fetching. He’s never cooked a meal or put any washing on or anything in the house but that bothers me less as im a sahm. Although even when I wasn’t it was no different. He’s never done a night feed or changed a nappy (we are out of this stage now, thank goodness). He’s never given me a lie in once, even in the days when Dc were tiny and I’d been up numerous times in the night. I don’t feel like we are a partnership.
It’s more that I want more than this. On the other hand if I left him it wouldn’t necessarily improve things and it could be worse. He would be fuming and would absolutely cut me off financially which would be very difficult. He also wouldn’t leave the house.
It would be out the blue for him. He thinks everything is great. I’m volunteering at the moment now my youngest is at preschool, although she’s been off more than she’s been there as she’s picking up all the preschool bugs 🙄. But I’m hoping to find a paid job in the next few months. When I was working between the two dc and ds was ill it was always my job that had to give as it was ‘less important.’
Is it selfish to want more than this? To think that it should be more than this? I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’ve had enough and I need to go but the thought of how it will affect the children just destroys me.