Soon to be ex husband tightening the screws... what can I do?

[PistachioQueen]

As soon as my NPD ex received the divorce letter from my solicitor, he started turning the screws on me. Refused to pay child’s private school fees (which come out of my bank account but he’s always given me the cash) and is now claiming to only be on £40k which I know he’s always done for tax avoidance purposes. He’s now more than halved the amount of money he gives me each week, has refused to help with any other costs for our child and is now telling me I need to pay the car insurance myself! The solicitor is working on a fixed fee basis so doesn’t want to get involved with any of this; is there anything I can do to get him to help with fees? Someone mentioned getting a forensic accountant to prove he’s earning more than £40k but a) I have no idea how much that would cost and b) he deals with cash/bank accounts in other peoples’ names and takes the cash out daily, so not sure how easy this would be to prove. Help please as I’m currently struggling financially, contracted into paying another term’s tuition fees (he’s now said he wants child to go to state school which I’m disappointed with but again, feel so helpless) as I’ve given notice recently, my cards are getting declined in Aldi and meanwhile, he’s constantly going on holiday, planning on his next flash car and living the life of Riley! I do work but my salary is so low and it’s currently all going on tuition fees! We don’t own any joint property so I’m unlikely to get any money from that, we’re back with my parents while trying to sort out this whole mess. Just feeling really desperate and alone now.

Go via CMS for child support?

Have you applied for benefits??? With a low wage you should be entitled to help

Tell his mummy and daddy?

What justilou1 says! They probably don't know any details and would be horrified.

I wonder why your ex is doing this; he's not just hurting you, he's hurting your child. It's about time someone gave him a good 'talking to'.

I'm really sorry you've had to go back to live with your parents, that won't be satisfactory in the long term and it is something you do need to sort out now. You and your child are entitled to have your own home at least.

I've just worked out that, according to CMS, he should pay £123.072 per week for one child, based on a £40,000 pa salary. I don't know if that helps at all.

His parents are a bit odd, they’ve never really been bothered about anything he’s done (was v abusive during pregnancy) but yes, it’s worth a try nonetheless! He claims to be on £40k as he’s self employed, he has bank accounts in other peoples’ names and takes the cash out every day so even through the CMS he’d get away with not paying me much. Struggling to keep my head above water and he’s just getting worse and worse! Also, being a narcissist, I worry that if he KNOWS he’s causing me pain, he will delight in it and continue his campaign to destroy me financially as well as emotionally!

Thanks for checking this, he’s giving slightly less than this so I could get a little more, although compared to what I used to get, it still wouldn’t make much difference as I now have financial commitments (such as tuition fees and outstanding debts which he used to give me the cash to pay off each month). I can’t afford the insurance on the car and he’s just squeezing me every which way he can!

Does your husband have a NPD diagnosis?

On the school fees issue, is the school in high demand? If they can fill the place in the summer they may be willing to negotiate on allowing your daughter to leave without penalty, I know someone that did this when they were moving overseas.

Have you checked your benefit entitlement?

A forensic accountant would cost thousands, and on what you've said, may not find sufficient information to help your case.

As frustrating as it is, you're going to have to accept that you're now on a much reduced income and cut your cloth accordingly. There are budgeting boards on the MSE forum that can help you with this.

He may want to destroy you financially but does he really want to hurt your child too?

The only thing you can do is go to the CMS to claim child maintenance.

I used to wonder if he was a bit odd, mentally ill or just plain evil, as some of the things he’s done to me are atrocious. An old neighbour who was a retired psychotherapist suggested he might have NPD. Since then I’ve researched it in detail and everything I read could have been written my myself. Of course, he’d never volunteer to be diagnosed.

The school is very small and undersubscribed so I doubt they’ll fill the space and let me pull child out early.

Sadly, he seems to care about his money more than his child. I’ve told him that cuts mean swimming lessons and dance classes will have to stop, he added insult to injury by claiming that he can no longer afford private school so we will have to find a state school. Also threatened to take my car away as it’s leased in his name. I was expecting things to be a bit tight with the divorce but is this really how life will be now? Me struggling to make ends meet (My job is badly paid as is, but unless I quit, benefits won’t make much of a difference due to debts he’s left me with), barely getting by, never being able to afford to rent somewhere while he swans off with his millions still safely hidden away? Does anyone have any “success stories” they could share? I feel like my life is falling apart right now and things are unlikely to ever improve.

Can you find a better paying job - i think you need to cut your losses with this twat...
give notice to private school and start looking for new school for DC - there may not be space locally so may need that first term... dont buy any new uniform!

what debts ? why are these yours.....go to step change or otehr debt agency and agree repayment plan..
at least you have a roof over your head.....will your parents help with chidlcare so you can earn more...

My friend girded a forensic accountant and it cost her £100,000 and wiped out her divorce settlement. They are only for the rich.

Have you spoken to the school? Put a claim in for Universal credit, and just make this work. It sounds tough but you can do it. And once you start showing him that you don’t need him he’ll hopefully back off. Work our what debts are imperative and maybe contact some that are making you feel like your drowning. I contacted my credit card and they put my account on holiday whilst things were sorted (it will affect your credit score but may help in the short term!) good luck xx

Account on hold not holiday! 🙈

You knew he lied about his earnings to defraud the tax man but are shocked that he would do the same to you.

Until the current system for child maintenance changes dramatically you will always get men who think they don't have to pay for their kids. You're only real option is to go to CMS but you will never get what your children deserve from him. It is unforgivable to force children to move school as a point scoring exercise. Can you contact the school, explain your situation as a single parent and ask if there are any bursaries or scholarships available?

Also how has he left you with debts? Did you allow him to obtain credit in your name? You may have to just cut your losses but I would be tempted to issue him with a bill for the amount he owes you.

If you do have to cut your losses see it as money worth spending to get a scumbag out of your life.

Look at OU courses - if you are on a low income you may be eligible for free or low cost study- to improve your earning power.

HMRC may be interested in investigating his accounting practices! Once everything was above board you could then claim via CMS.

Yes to above. Don't let him get away with fraud if you have evidence to the contrary.

Yes, I have been considering letting HMRC know about his practices, although he brags about his his accountant is on board and it looks legal as he’s used loopholes to avoid paying more tax. I have lots of information from when we were living together that I could put forward to build a strong case but I read somewhere that people shop others to HMRC all the time and often not much happens.

A few years ago, I rented a housing association property for me and my child which he said he’d help pay for, he didn’t pay for very long and so we moved back in with my parents, albeit under very cramped conditions (child and I share a bedroom and a bed and I hang my clothes on the door frame as there’s hardly any space!). Meanwhile he owns several properties and lives the high life. He always promised to buy a home for us but never did. In fact, he bought a house nearby for himself which he is now threatening to use to take child 4 nights a week as he’s local.

He originally offered to help me pay the flat debt off but soon stopped paying that too! I’ve also had to take out loans to pay the last round of tuition fees as he stopped paying once I said I wanted a divorce. As it’s a prep school, there are no bursaries available until children are much older, but I can’t keep getting into debt trying to pay the fees myself. Definitely want to do a course to retrain and make more money, that’s been on the agenda for some time now as not happy with my career or earning power.

He’d been pestering me for years to open a bank account in my name which he could control (for more tax avoidance purposes) which I never agreed to do, so that was one wise choice I made!

Thank you so much for everyone’s input, I just feel that the legal system is so jaded and men like him will continue to get away with this kind of thing!

If you are still married and you applied for divorce and he owns properties why don’t you take him to court to settle finances? I thought it doesn’t matter whose name on the deeds, if you were married you can get your cut especially if you have a child together.

he's been lying for years.....why did you think he would be any different to you?
you are married so those assets may well be yours however I think they are probably all fraudulent..

just stop with the school - usually both parents have to sign the registration documents as schools dont want to be left in the lurch when familes split up..

yes dob him into hmrc but also maybe have a look at the fredom programme from womans aid for yourself - why are you married to someone who didnt live with you - or was happy for you and his dc to share a room at your parents.... why have you been so naive - what did you get out of this relationship?

Contact the school and ask if they can offer a reduced fee bursary. Explain the situation. If they can't help and you have to pull your child out because you can't afford his half of the fees make sure they go after him for the outstanding balance, not you.anwhile, look around at local state schools and ask if they have any available spaces. At least it's summer and you'd have time to emotionally prepare your DC for any transition.

Meanwhile not anwhile

It doesn’t sound like tax avoidance rather criminal tax evasion and possibly money laundering. I would definitely report him to hmrc.

Let the car go to debt collector's dont pay any debt on his name

Go to CMO and hmrc you can prove he has the money he has been paying you more

You should get something in the divorce he owns property its classed as marital property half each

Tell the school two parents both jointly responsible for the debt send him letters too