Soon to be ex husband tightening the screws... what can I do?

[PistachioQueen]

As soon as my NPD ex received the divorce letter from my solicitor, he started turning the screws on me. Refused to pay child’s private school fees (which come out of my bank account but he’s always given me the cash) and is now claiming to only be on £40k which I know he’s always done for tax avoidance purposes. He’s now more than halved the amount of money he gives me each week, has refused to help with any other costs for our child and is now telling me I need to pay the car insurance myself! The solicitor is working on a fixed fee basis so doesn’t want to get involved with any of this; is there anything I can do to get him to help with fees? Someone mentioned getting a forensic accountant to prove he’s earning more than £40k but a) I have no idea how much that would cost and b) he deals with cash/bank accounts in other peoples’ names and takes the cash out daily, so not sure how easy this would be to prove. Help please as I’m currently struggling financially, contracted into paying another term’s tuition fees (he’s now said he wants child to go to state school which I’m disappointed with but again, feel so helpless) as I’ve given notice recently, my cards are getting declined in Aldi and meanwhile, he’s constantly going on holiday, planning on his next flash car and living the life of Riley! I do work but my salary is so low and it’s currently all going on tuition fees! We don’t own any joint property so I’m unlikely to get any money from that, we’re back with my parents while trying to sort out this whole mess. Just feeling really desperate and alone now.

I do recommend speaking to the school, as embarrassing as it is they may be willing to support. When Ex and I divorced the school were fantastic and offered us a 50% discount on fees which I could just about afford. It was a massive two fingers to my ex when I still managed to cope without his support and he could see he couldn't control me anymore.

Yes, in hindsight I should’ve realised that he would think nothing of lying to me, more fool me. We don’t own any properties together and we always lived in rented places, bar a brief stint in one of his apartments.

This all started when I was pregnant and he kept telling me to quit my job. Fortunately I didn’t, despite his claims that I was a “rich housewife” and didn’t need to work! He paid all the bills and bought the food, but I liked having my independence. He became emotionally abusive once I was far into the pregnancy so I moved out from where we were. He begged for another chance and stupidly, encouraged by my old-fashioned mother (who doesn’t “believe” in divorce), I allowed him back in. The abuse continued once the baby was born so things were on and off for a while, he kept promising that he was getting money together to buy us a property near my parents so I let things go on for much longer than I should have in the hope of having the family unit my mother so desperately wanted for us. He gave me a small allowance and paid for our child to start at private school and we had a few nice holidays a year where we made out everything was ok. However, the reality was that I was driving around in a heap of junk, living in subsidised rent accommodation and wearing Primark outfits while he swanned around in a brand new sports car and wore designer shoes. When I complained he would buy me a few nice dresses or tops and tell me that he wished he could afford to upgrade my car or do more. I tried to save a bit of money (which has since all gone on paying off debts and solicitor fees as I visited several before choosing one) but once the abuse started up again, I decided to end things for good. I blamed my mum for a while for pressurising me into staying with him “for the sake of the child” but ultimately I only have myself to blame for being so naive all this time. Now I’m keen to get through this the other side, with my sanity and my credit rating intact. If I could get some money for a home for us, I’d be happy to take it and run but it seems like the ex is using all the tactics he can to avoid having to pay out a penny, whilst also suddenly threatening to fight me for custody, despite rarely seeing his child on top of that. The school holidays are here and I’ve offered him more contact which he’s turned down, but the next minute he’ll be screaming at me that I won’t let him see his child or making last minute demands for a day out together!

I will try speaking to the school and ask them to send invoices to him too. If I could get a discount on fees that would help tremendously! Solicitor seems to think I’m not entitled to half his money as it’s been a relatively short marriage and properties are a) in his company’s name and b) bought before we got together. He has, however, bought and sold one property that I know of during our marriage and then bought a million pound house recently. He claims he had to remortgage some properties to buy it, but nonetheless, had the income and deposit for it.

You can still try to take him to court to get some settlement. You can represent yourself even. What do you have to loose? Also you mentioned abuse. Did you look into Legal Aid option? You can search solicitors who work with Legal eg on Law Society (or something like that), call them and ask if you are qualified. Did you see gp regarding abuse? If you did, then gp can give you a letter which could help you to be qualified for Legal Aid.

Also out of interest if you don’t take him to court for finances or child arrangements, why do you need solisitor?
If you decide to take him to court, it’s best to do it before decrees absolute.
There are books out there about self representation in courts, maybe you find them useful.
You have child together and court usually takes child interest as priority. Did all solicitors you saw advice not to go to court for settlement?

Also there is free legal advice for women here:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

It’s obviously very busy, but just keep ringing and you will get through at some point.

Using solicitor to proceed with the divorce; I feel so stupid for putting up with his crap and want to be disassociated from him as soon as possible. Of course, that will never truly happen as we have a child together, but hoping to finalise money situation and custody arrangements as he seems to bandy around the threat of fighting me and winning (then offering an admin assistant an extra £20 to babysit, as he’s often told me!), just to avoid paying child maintenance. The solicitor seems to be suggesting that their role is purely to start off and finalise divorce paperwork and that I would need to go through mediation (and then perhaps court) to arrange child custody and finances. Will look into legal aid although, similar to benefits, I’m unlikely to be entitled as I’m working full time, albeit on a really low salary with a mountain of debts to pay off. Will speak to GP, thanks. Things like this I’ve never really considered but could help my case immensely.

Other solicitors I saw did suggest threatening forensic accountant to make him more forthcoming with financial disclosure, another said to try for a settlement via mediator which I thought would be a possibility but now I’ve started the divorce process, he’s really turned on me and has started cutting back on all areas, which has squeezed me even more financially. He used to give me cash each week, as well as helping out with monthly debt repayment and paying for all car costs, this has now gone down to £100 which he pays via standing order. He’s clearly trying to build up a paper trail of him paying me the bare minimum due to his claim of being on £40k.

Regarding mediation, it’s legal requirement to try mediation first before you can apply for courts. If he refuses to go to mediation, they will issue you a letter and your next step would be court

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends?step-by-step-nav=84b7fdca-a8b0-4500-bc27-dafeab9f1401

You could file for divorce yourself it’s quite straight forward. You need solisitor really only if you are planning to take him to court or if he is doing it.

Also there is direct access barristers option, again if you go to court.

Try to inform yourself as much as possible. Many solicitors offer 30 minutes free initial consultation. Write down all information on the paper and give them to read on this consultation. It is faster than they ask you questions and you would have more time to get actual advice. There is also citizens advice which is free.

He is trying to screw you, the only sure way to get permanent financial agreement is via court. Same for a child arrangement. So if I were you I would consider to take him to courts.

pull your child from the school - you cant afford it on your own and if they send the invoices to him and he doesnt pay dc will be kicked out...

• your council local admissions will be open over the summer so maybe able to help with what schools have places - you are looking for in year admissions..

You need to forget about what he's got/not got not going to do etc hes a wanker you are on your own and if you manage to sort anything out from him great but you have to try and get out of your debt cycle .......stepchange can help..or citizens advice - tax credits/childcare help is available to help most incomes -

Regarding the properties he owns, I understood that it doesn't matter whether they are only in his name or even if you never lived in them, they are still marital assets and should be part of any financial settlement when divorcing.

You need to apply to the court for maintenance pending suit, and for a legal services order.

This will cost between £5-10k in legal fees. You might get a solicitor willing to defer their bill being paid until you have the order, but would need to pay for barrister's fees. You might also be able to get a litigation loan to cover these costs.

Where are you based?

Do report him, with as much detail as you can provide. Include the properties he owns, the vacations, and any vehicles he owns. They will do a net worth assessment based on reported income, and he will have to explain why he owns properties which, ostensibly, he can’t afford.

There are a number of different issues.

The solicitor is charging you a fixed fee for the basic divorce. They will charge more for child residence/maintenance/financial issues which is normal. If they do not wish to act for you in respect of these issues instruct a new lawyer.

Next, you have been happy to have the benefit of a lifestyle funded by your ex's avoidance of paying tax so you will need to accept that you have been complicit in that and it now backfire on you .

The reality is to pay for 2 households is more expensive than one or to pay for one on one income rather than two is harder. There genuinely may not be the money for school fees. Depending on your child's age this may not be seen as a necessity but rather a lifestyle choice. Unfortunately if the lease car is in his name it probably does have to go back.

How long have you been together- that is altogether, even before marriage? Because a "short marriage" is when you have only just got married but time spent "living together" counts.
You sound as if you need a better lawyer.
You may never get a "fair settlement" but you should get a better one than at present - and enough to help you raise your child.
I would also be robust with the school - quite honestly their debt is not the top priority. And unless they are going under themselves, they may realise its not worth trying to collect from you. (State school can be great.)

Tell me more about these accounts with different names?
What business is it that he is in?
If he owns a business, does half of that not become yours? If so, you'd be entitled to half of the properties owned by the business would you not?
With regards to tuition fees, if there are fees outstanding, are you not both jointly and severally responsible for those debts?
In whose name(s) are the debts you're paying off?

Per

Don't know why 'per' came in at the end

Hang on youbsay you drive a.piece of junk then say he wants the lease car back. As regards the rental properties if they are owned by a company he will have shares in them and they would be classed as assets in the marital pot for division.

You definitely need a lawyer to unravel the mess but it isn't going to be easy and the judge is generally quite unsympathetic when women know that tax avoidance is being used to fund their lifestyle.

Also with regards to your 'flat fee' solicitor, please read carefully through whatever documentation you signed to ensure that they are actually doing everything they are contracted to do.

Thanks for all this information... I didn’t realise solicitors offered a free initial consultation as have paid hundreds to see a few before settling on a fixed fee one, who now doesn’t seem very helpful!

I probably will end up taking him to court as even if he did attend mediation, he’ll be pulling the “I’m only on £40k” routine, in order to avoid paying me much at all. I have payment plans in place for all my debts, but they take up a large portion of my income and will take forever to pay off so it will be a while before I’m in a position to rent again. Now he’s asked me to pay for the insurance on my car as well, which is another payment I’ll be struggling to make. Tempted to tell him to take the car back and I’ll get the bus, but I work far from home so that could be quite costly either way.

As for the car, it’s 9 years old and has a lot of maintenance on it but he claims he’s leasing it! It was a few years old when we got it, again I don’t know how much of this is true as I’ve recently discovered a lot of untruths in the things he’s said and done. I suspect the “leasing” line is so that he can threaten me to take it back when he wants. It’s in his name so I have no real claim on it.

If he's paid for these things for so long, but as soon as you divorce he stops, he will have to prove to the judge that his income has dropped. That's pretty hard to do if he's not been declaring all of his income up until now.

The fact that he owns several properties shouldn’t be that hard to prove?

You should get a share of the marital assets

@Thump, he does property rentals so he ha different properties in different names. For example, he might have a bank account in his dad’s/brother’s/neighbour’s name but he has the card, online banking access etc. He would put all money from each property into each account and take cash out of each account every day. As far as the tax man knows, the retired dad/shop worker brother/barista neighbour are subletting the properties and they pay minimal tax on this, on top of their jobs. He controls all the money and they get £200 a month for doing nothing! He’s been after me opening an account for him to do this for years but I’ve always made excuses as I’m pretty sure it’s illegal. He claims his accountant is legit and that they’ve used legal loopholes to ensure he doesn’t pay more tax as he then claims to be on £40k.

Tuition fees are in both our names but the direct debit comes out of my account. He’s always given me the cash at the start of each term but has recently left me to it, claiming that it’s my responsibility and now he says he suddenly can’t afford it anymore.

The debts are in my name, incurred from living in housing association property which he initially helped me pay for, Then stopped paying. I moved back into my parents and he helped me with a couple of the repayments before deciding to stop that too. I also have debts from credit cards used to pay bills when my salary wouldn’t stretch and and a loan I took out to pay the tuition fees he wouldn’t pay. I prob will have to take child out of school eventually as I can’t maintain fees on my own.

Yes move schools, do a form for next term

@MollyButton We’ve been married for 5 years now (I was already pregnant when married) but as we haven’t lived together for some time, he’s trying to claim the marriage ended years ago. We lived together for 2 years prior to marriage, but hard to prove as I stayed in one of his properties without being put on electoral roll or bills and then we moved into a rental property in a nicer area as his properties are all in run down estates around London.

I’ve done a google search on the company that owns the school and even when parents have divorced or lost jobs, they’ve gone after parents for fees and some have even been declared bankrupt over a £5k bill!