Soon to be ex husband tightening the screws... what can I do?

[PistachioQueen]

As soon as my NPD ex received the divorce letter from my solicitor, he started turning the screws on me. Refused to pay child’s private school fees (which come out of my bank account but he’s always given me the cash) and is now claiming to only be on £40k which I know he’s always done for tax avoidance purposes. He’s now more than halved the amount of money he gives me each week, has refused to help with any other costs for our child and is now telling me I need to pay the car insurance myself! The solicitor is working on a fixed fee basis so doesn’t want to get involved with any of this; is there anything I can do to get him to help with fees? Someone mentioned getting a forensic accountant to prove he’s earning more than £40k but a) I have no idea how much that would cost and b) he deals with cash/bank accounts in other peoples’ names and takes the cash out daily, so not sure how easy this would be to prove. Help please as I’m currently struggling financially, contracted into paying another term’s tuition fees (he’s now said he wants child to go to state school which I’m disappointed with but again, feel so helpless) as I’ve given notice recently, my cards are getting declined in Aldi and meanwhile, he’s constantly going on holiday, planning on his next flash car and living the life of Riley! I do work but my salary is so low and it’s currently all going on tuition fees! We don’t own any joint property so I’m unlikely to get any money from that, we’re back with my parents while trying to sort out this whole mess. Just feeling really desperate and alone now.

@MarshaBradyo Solicitor said that properties will have to be declared but I won’t necessarily be entitled to half of them as he bought them prior to us even meeting. He’s probably moving everything into other people’s names as I speak! The way he’s carrying on right now, I fully expect that to happen!

You need a Rottweiler Lawyer or just to give up. Your present one may be being "realistic" but won't get the best deal for you.
How much is one term's fees? Can you give notice to the school immediately and limit your liability?
If he is going after your leased car, then talk to the leasing company and hand it back. Disentangle yourself from his debts as fast as possible. Being declared bankrupt isn't necessarily that bad.

Yes you might well not get 50% even though that is what you are entitled to - but would 25% be enough to fund you?

As for evidence of living together sworn witness statements, statements from neighbours etc. could all help.

What you need to do is: not catastrophise but talk to the school ASAP, get a good lawyer (paid out of the settlement if possible), and have a "doable" figure for what you want in the back of your mind even if you go for the higher "fair" figure.

If he moves properties into others’ names, there will be a paper trail.

How has he got accounts in other people’s names? That must be fraud.

Private school is not an essential. You can’t be on the one hand about to claim universal credit and on the other paying school fees. It seems like the end of the world now but your child will do just as well in a state school.

I don’t think the taxpayer should be subsidising someone who has a wealth ex who is just refusing to pay. You need to get tough and get a share of joint funds or dob him in to HMRC. The rest of us pay our taxes.

Given you have been married for 5 years you will get a % of his estate... he wont be able to just hide assets for property there will be a trail in the land registry...

Best to try and sort out asap and just get peace of mind... am sure he will be stressing from his perspective but certainly make sure you get what you can from him.

Re the school fees, I would give notice now that you are withdrawing child. As I presume you are jointly and severally responsible and you have fuck all income or assets, they will go after him for outstanding fees. Find a state school. Problem A solved.

Fire your lawyer. Find a clause in the contract on which basis you can claim that they are not working in your best interests or similar.

Hire a lawyer recommended for dealing with tax cheating rats.

Let him stop paying the payments on the leased car. Let him take it, let him do whatever he likes. As you said, the bus will cost similar to insuring it, so it's not much skin off your nose.

Good luck.

I would also discuss the legalities of what you believe he's doing with the properties with either an accountant or solicitor. Just enquire. Solicitors are legally obliged to check for money laundering. Not sure about accountants.

I suggest you post on the Legal forum about this situation also as there is a lot here that suggests 'LEGAL ISSUE' rather than a simple divorce issue.

I don't think you'd need a forensic accountant. He has been paying your debts, leasing a car, paying private tuition fees, giving you an allowance, paying rent on a property all on 40k. I'm no Einstein, but I know you can't afford that on 40k.

Incidentally, I would also make an anonymous enquiry to the fraud team within police - make sure it's anon, to see where they stand on that. They might not be helpful, but it won't cost you anything to call them.

Genuinely I really think you should ask for this thread to be moved to Legal discussion. In a former life I was a legal secretary, so I can type at speed, but know fuck all in the grand scheme of things.

PS - I don't know how jointly and severally liable works in the case of marriage - but it's worth looking into.

And PPS - you're paying a dickwad of a solicitor money to represent you - you shouldn't have to be coming onto a chat website for extra support.

It’s now unrealistic to keep your DC at private school, so a top priority should be to seek admission to a good state school.

Oh, OP, I do feel for you. He is tightening the screws hoping that you would 'crawl back'.
The first thing some men tend to do is remove financial support.
If he is self employed you probably do not stand a chance trying to prove his finances.
My close friend was in this situation. Her lawyer advised it would be a long process which would cost a lot. Plus once he got the wind that you are after his money, he would go into hiding even more and your relationship will further deteriorate.
She chose not to do that nor go through HMRC. But she had a very strong desire to do so, countless discussions of revenge!
Over the years, ex saw sense and actually started contributing financially on his own free will, including paying for private education. I suppose, realised that she was on her own two feet and was not going to beg. Also, probably understood, that once the child is older, questions would be asked and the answers would not lead to great relationship with dad. They actually have very amicable relationship now.
Point being, trade carefully, hopefully with time he would want to help more. You can always move the child back to private again once things get better. School should be understanding and I doubt they would go after you for the fees knowing the circumstances. You are not the first nor the last.
Apply for any benefits you are entitled. Do not be shy to ask for help from friends and relatives. And try to rely on yourself now, become independent. Do not waste the energy on that piece work, he is not worth it!

How can the OP be entitled to benefits when her ex clearly has a good lifestyle and they have joint funds? Why should taxpayers fund a tax dodger?? I have no way of “hiding” my money and I am paying a small fortune to my ex-husband. Surely this man should have to do the same. As somebody already said, he can’t afford that lifestyle on £40k. I also don’t think that he will give a damn what the child thinks later.

Your life will become immeasurably better once you stop relying on him.

This will mean no private schools, cars etc. But just pull the plaster quick and hard. Hand back your car, find a decent state school and apply for benefits and also CMS. Ok he might be going on flash holidays or holidays and not providing for his dc. But 'fuck him'!! Honestly, people like him only have money to control you. Take that away from him and live your best life is the best revenge. Start to think of just you and your dc, and not relying on your ex.

NotBeingRobbed OP will be entitled to benefits if she divorced, on low income, has to support a child and has no financial contributions from exH. Opinion from the public whether it is right or wrong is irrelevant. At the moment it is looking that he is not going to help. If he does, of course it would be taken into consideration. If you have 'no way of hiding your money' does not mean that some self employed people do not. OP clearly voiced that this it is the case with ex. She has no funds to start looking and proving. It is tough shit and the bastards do get away with it! But OP will be entitled to any help she can get under the circumstances. Also, I think he will 'give a damn' what the child thinks later. Men to get sentimental with age. At the moment he is fighting with mum, other realisations would come later.

If you’re married and going through divorce is there no way to freeze the accounts? Surely it’s not only for the mega rich.

@BusyEvenForBee At the moment it is looking that he is not going to help

It’s not a question of help. It’s the financial support from him that she is legally entitled to.

However as a taxpayer I should not be funding benefits for a woman who is using a private school! If he is a fraudster, and it sounds like he is, has he done that with her knowledge. Ditto his tax evasion. I imagine HMRC would be interested.

We have CMS so dependants are supported by former partners and not the taxpayer.

I don’t buy that this man will ever care what his child thinks. My ex has stolen from me and his children. They are teenagers and know exactly what sort of a man he is. It didn’t stop him fleecing us.

NotBeingRobbed, I absolutely didn't mean that the child stays in private school. If OP is on low income, and ex pays bare minimum via child support, and he probably will of course, she will need more help just to meet living costs. I completely loathe benefit leeches, who do take a piss on the system. There is a reason some people have 1-2 children as they simply cannot afford to have more while working full time.
As someone said 'the plaster needs to be pulled quick and hard'.

I suppose, the long and the short of it is, Is it a battle you're willing to enter into?

But your child in private school when you're on a small income and can't even afford a roof over your head sounds like lunacy. You were pregnant when you got married, are married 5 years, to the child is 4 or 5. Who the fuck needs a private school at 5? Unless you're Prince George and need to be protected or something, it's lunacy to start with.

Private school is no longer affordable for the OP.

Yes, child will be taken out of private school and notice has already been given. I will still have to stump up for the next term’s fees but will be able to move to state school in the new year. Child is now 6 so will be going into the second year of prep, although been attending since age 2 at the pre-prep. It is sad as she’s happy and settled, not to mention thriving where she is, but this is where we are now and I’m sure she will be just as happy in a state school.

Some really valid points made by everyone on here and I do appreciate the input. Frustrated that he may get away with this but yes, the only thing he has to control me with is money so it’s all about showing him he can’t hurt me by holding back. I did tell him that our daughter will have to quit swimming lessons and dance classes as well as be pulled out of the school, unless he could help out more or even pay classes directly and his response was that he just can’t afford it. Of course, these are non-essentials but just one example of how he doesn’t care about messing things up for his own child, as long as he’s minimising the amount he provides.

It is extremely frustrating that he gets to hide all his money and avoid paying tax, I’m on nowhere near £40k but a large portion of my salary goes on tax and NI contributions. I’ve stopped pension payments lately too to enable me to take home a little more.

Will look at moving this to or starting a thread in the legal section as like one poster said, would prob be more suited there. I also have a friend currently looking at contract with solicitor to see if I can move or get my money back as not happy with the level of support I’ve been getting so far. In fact, I’ve often found myself wondering if solicitor isn’t being paid by my ex to deliberately stress me out and mess things up for me! For example, she wrote to him initially giving 2 weeks to respond but he managed to drag that out for 9 weeks! Each time she kept letting him know he had to reply rather than just petitioning divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour!

Good decisions OP. Sounds like you're making moves. Getting your friend to read through your solicitor's contract seems like a good move as if they've breached the terms, you can (for free I'm pretty sure) raise it with the Law Society. I would argue that as you said in your OP "The solicitor is working on a fixed fee basis so doesn’t want to get involved with any of this" is not appropriate representation and thus must be breaching some level of the contract, unless they have stipulated that they will only do x,y,z in the contract you signed.

Don't pay next terms fees unless the contract is SOLELY in your name. Let them pursue HIM for those. DO continue with finding a new school and please God she'll settle in beautifully. I hope you find a nice school. Long term, are you planning on remaining with your parents? Factor that in when looking at where the school will be - you don't want to have to keep moving schools if you eventually can afford to rent a place for yourselves in a different locality.

I would maybe quit dancing but keep up swimming lessons. I thought swimming lessons are on the state curriculum in the UK? If they are, quit swimming and keep up the dancing. You can also look into free clubs she could join. It's good for children to have extracurricular activities.

Your biggest expense here seems to be school fees.

Once they're eliminated, you need to do up a budget.

Do NOT include ANY money from THE ASSHOLE in the budget. Just what YOU can afford.
Anything HE the prick gives you can be used to pay off debts quicker than you could.

Is he claiming tax credits from you? If so, make sure they're back in your name. Make sure you're getting everything possible as a single parent. Again - please repost on Legal or Lone Parents.

Try not to let the flash cars and houses and shit gall you. You're free now, you've got a beautiful little girl. None of my family ever went to private schools and are all extremely successful. It's not the be all and end all, but change is an absolute bastard to cope with.

I'm sure your dd loves having her grandparents around - all the more people to love her.

You're doing great, but do ask the more specific questions on the boards which might have more expertise in particular areas - e.g. the tax anomalies/different bank accounts on the Legal board; what you're entitled to on the Lone Parents board. Link to this thread too if they need more info, but I think you might get more specialised/relevant information.

For example, she wrote to him initially giving 2 weeks to respond but he managed to drag that out for 9 weeks!

That's pretty typical behaviour from someone dragging their heels.