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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce separation %

68 replies

Sadandlonely1 · 14/07/2019 14:22

Hi, I’m separating after 20 years 2 children, agreed 55% of house, but husband says I’m unfair not taking 50/50. We’ve spoken to friends and they did amicable 50/50 and he said he’ll hate me if I as for more. Solicitor is biased and wants me to chase him for a lot more. I’ve only worked part time and haven’t contributed financially. I’d really like to know if he is being mean and if it can be amicable. I’m so sad but don’t want to be a walkover. Please help

OP posts:
CandidCat · 14/07/2019 17:02

If you've sacrificed your career in order to provide domestic services eg childcare then your contribution is deemed equal to his I believe. The division of assets should provide both with equal lifestyle to each other going forward, which likely means you get a higher % to compensate your lower earnings.

I believe 70/30 is not unusual in favour of a stay at home parent after a long marriage when they have little time left to start building a pension. However every case is different and I'm no solicitor. Perhaps his friend's wife was a higher earner? What does he expect you to live on if you have previously agreed between you that his salary will cover your part time arrangement? Yes you may be able to increase your hours but that can't make up for years of lower pension contributions, etc, and missed career opportunities.

PicsInRed · 14/07/2019 17:19

Someone like this will resent you for taking even 50%. There's no point in being a walkover "reasonable", he'll hate you anyway.

Don't do what friends did, their stupidity and fear and inadequate settlements don't have to also be your financial funeral pyre to jump on.

You need enough to ensure recovery and a reasonable retirement. Don't be a fool. Take your solicitor's advice or course they're biased - they're meant to be, they're working for YOU.

Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 14/07/2019 17:55

Thank you both, yes you’re right he will hate me anyway sadly. He’s said that if we have a fair split then he can help me in the future, if I ‘go for more’ everyone will hate me, call me a money grabber, his family will hate me and he’ll never help me again, and I might even lose custody of youngest if it goes to court. I just want to move on and remain amicable, others have managed to. But your comments are right, his solicitor said I could have worked but I just lived off him and won’t even be entitled to 50%. It’s mad at the mo sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 14/07/2019 17:58

And now he’s being all nice because he doesn’t want us to split. He’ll go mental if I get a solicitor on board. I have to consider more money to set up a home for 3 of us, but at what price? I don’t want to do this, but it can’t carry on, I don’t want to lose him as a friend too 😔

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 14/07/2019 18:03

I don’t want to lose him as a friend too

He's not your friend. As pp have said you've sacrificed your career/pension to bring up children and support him and the house. You'll need more than 50% to carry on supporting the kids.

And don't fall for the 'you'll lose custody of the kids' thing. My ex tried that. He's just trying to scare you into backing down. Hardly the actions of a 'friend'!

Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 14/07/2019 18:37

Thank you. But how does it work with children when he will detest me? We haven’t got much and if I have more than half he’ll only be able to buy a small flat. He’s making me feel so bad that I should consider more than half, after I only worked part time! He still doesn’t see that bringing up 2 children and paperwork, school runs etc etc constitutes anything sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 14/07/2019 18:39

And we are both in the house waiting for a sale, how do I instruct a solicitor when we’re here, he’ll make my life hell

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 14/07/2019 18:42

He will detest you anyway, listen to your solicitor who is not biased - it’s is her job to protect your interests.

It’s not about you getting more that your fair share - it’s about the welfare of the children.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/07/2019 18:54

I am not in the legal profession but have had a few family members go through this over the past few years and you can’t hekp but have an opinion as to what is “fair”.

I suppose it all depends WHY you didn’t work FT. Does he work away a lot of the time and childcare is non existent where you live? Do you have health problems that have prevented you working FT or children with health needs? twins or kids close in age which would have meant 2 lots of nursery fees for a long time? In your line of work does a FT job mean night shift work making FT extremely difficult? Was PT working something you BOTH agreed was best for your family set up or did your husband always encourage you to work FT and you chose not to? What did you spend your wages on if you didn’t contribute financially? How old are your children?

If the only reason you chose to work PT was because you liked having more free time, especially if children are older and more independent and your DH was fed up over the years asking you to find Ft work so that he wasn’t solely responsible for paying the family bills then as a relative of your husband I’d be wondering why you were wanting more than 50/50.

If there were other genuine factors as to why you couldn’t have worked FT to contribute financially then as an onlooker I might consider it “fair” to go for more if it meant you would not be able to support yourself once he was no longer living with you.

But really, thebopinion of relatives matters not one jot. If the law states you are entitled to X, Y and Z then surely that’s what you should be going for?

CandidCat · 14/07/2019 19:22

I would disagree that it matters why. Married couples are broadly considered a unit, equal in contribution during the marriage, and when they split the aim is for no-one to be disadvantaged more than necessary, especially any children. That seems appropriate to me, and it is a shame some people who were happy with keeping a slave partner to take care of life's little details during the marriage seem to suddenly regard their spouse's needs to be a huge inconvenience once the marriage has ended. Particularly depressing are bullies who are prepared to threaten their children's emotional and financial wellbeing in order to get their way.

PicsInRed · 14/07/2019 19:46

Did your previous solicitor recommend the house be sold?

That could be your settlement. Do NOT sell that house. Engage a good solicitor, immediately.

He says he could help you in the future. The fuck he will. Get your help now, while it's going.

These "I'll take custody of the kids" types can't be placated. They'll do what they'll do and nothing you do or don't do will change that or be good enough. Ever. You have to accept that and pursue the best settlement possible, regardless.

PicsInRed · 14/07/2019 19:48

And we are both in the house waiting for a sale, how do I instruct a solicitor when we’re here, he’ll make my life hell

If he becomes threatening, you call the police and have him removed.

Dropthedeaddonkey · 14/07/2019 21:06

Unless you have equal pensions and will have equal ability to work and splitting childcare and holiday care evenly in future then 55% house is likely be much less than 50% assets. Look at the gov info about how courts will divide the assets they will look at past and future earning potential / childcare etc. People get so caught up and emotionally attached to houses they forget to factor in everything else. Has he done equal childcare to allow you work full time? Paid for half childcare out his earnings? You need to look at the whole picture.

surlycurly · 14/07/2019 21:24

In my experience this idea that because you gave up your job and stayed home that you'll be entitled to extra is a crock. I was a sahm for 8 yrs and I still only got 50/50 split, including paying back half the pile of debt I knew nothing about that he ran up, and paying back half the massive personal loan that he took out from my mum three weeks before we split up. And kept. Every penny of it. So. I wouldn't get too excited. And get a solicitor. You're not friends and you can't be until, or indeed if at all, after this is resolved. And be careful with pensions. I could enormously ripped off with a pension and it still annoys me now!

OhamIreally · 14/07/2019 22:27

The financial settlement is a one time deal - once it's sealed there's no going back. Forget about being "nice", forget about his threats and promises (both are bollocks by the way).

Think about what your future looks like into old age. Make sure the pensions go into the mix and go with your solicitor's advice - you can be damn sure your ex will be trying to retain as much as he can for himself.

Forget about what his friends and family might think and put yourself first.

Indigo2019 · 14/07/2019 22:31

Who will the children be living with after you split? What about pensions, savings, other assets? How much child maintenance will he be paying?

ColaFreezePop · 14/07/2019 22:34

OP if he has a final salary pension you need to ensure you get a percentage of it paid to you on retirement. This would be worth far more than a larger percentage of a house if you lived to a good old age.

Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 15/07/2019 07:37

Yes the children with me, our daughter turns 17 soon and younger son, he’s said 50% of children live with their father and that upsets me. No pensions really. He’s offered the CMS calculation for maintenance so that’s good.
If a solicitor says go for more as he’s not going to be friends anyway, he’ll drag up everything from the past when he’s bailed me out of debt etc. His solicitor asked if I took drugs (do not) and how much do I drink, he said I’ll end up losing a lot more if I get greedy.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 08:02

He paid his wife's debts. So what.
That's either historic or it's marital debt he paid.
Either way, no one cares.

Why is his solicitor asking you questions about drug use (and why are you answering them)? That sounds like a tacit child arrangements threat, rather than necessary procedure.

Get a solicitor, let them bat the stupid questions back deal with him and let him take him to court if that's what he wants. Good luck to him - he'll jolly well need it.

PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 08:03

And stop listening to ex and ex's solicitor.
Get your own and listen to them.

Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 15/07/2019 08:12

His solicitor asked him those questions I guess to dig up any dirt on me.
You are totally right, he told me to grow a pair, so I have and I’ve emailed a solicitor for a meeting. This is going to be sooo horrible tho as we are both refusing to move out 😪

OP posts:
OKBobble · 15/07/2019 08:12

Why on earth are you listening to his solicitor and ex? They are the ones trying to screw you over! Please please get your own independent legal advice as soon as possible.

It is not just about the house. You will be entitled to a share of pension and other assets. He is attempting to bully and scaremonger you into a settlement that favours him.

Original poster
Sadandlonely1 · 15/07/2019 08:13

I’m so scared as he’s said it’ll get messy and he is sooo nasty to me when I go against him. But I can’t trust his amicable agreement

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/07/2019 09:31

It's already messy. Get in there and get yours.

surlycurly · 15/07/2019 09:41

You will get the shaft if you don't get a decent solicitor and you will hate him. You will avoid getting the shaft if you get a solicitor and he may well hate you. But the only thing you have to be afraid of however, is his disapproval and not enduring poverty. You have to man up here.