Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Stay at home mum getting divorced, need advice

474 replies

LittleMissMaghribi · 29/05/2019 11:12

Hi everyone, I am possibly looking at the option of divorcing my husband and first need some advice.

I am a Moroccan national with Moroccan citizenship. I married my husband at the end of 2015 and we had 2 sons whilst I lived in Morocco.

My husband applied for a settlement visa for me which was granted this month and I am now in the UK.

I went to my cousins house rather than go to my husband, and I don't have any income, benefits, or job.

My husband has a job that brings in around £35,000 a year before tax.

He doesn't own a home and has about £15,000 in assets (mainly savings with about £4000 in stocks and shares) and about £10,000 of liabilities (mainly credit card debts), so a networth of about £5,000.

If I divorce him, will he be legally required to pay any of his salary to me during the divorce proceedings, so I can pay my own rent and expenses? And how about after divorce?

He also has a pension of about £20,000 if that makes a difference but is nowhere near retirement age (we are both early thirties).

After divorce, would he be required to share his salary with me and roughly how much do you think he would have to share?

My visa conditions state that I cannot claim benefits, so would not be entitled to government support, and I am not sure about if I would be able to find work. I have a degree in sociology but don't have a lot of work experience.

Since my sons have British nationality, I am looking at changing my visa to a parent visa, since I don't think I can stay on a settlement visa if we divorce. Would I be entitled to benefits?

Does anyone have experience of being the stay at home mum without an income during divorce and were you entitled to some of your husbands salary in the divorce proceedings (before and after), and was it enough to live on without additional income from benefits or work?

Please let me know your experiences in how the finances might work out in such a situation. I am a bit stressed. We are not really getting on at the moment and I need a plan B for how I can live if we can't live together going forwards.

Also, we are not currently living together. I am staying with a relative. Am I better off living with him and does that increase my rights during a divorce if we share a house? in the case of a divorce, if we are renting a property, does it matter who's name is on the rental documents, and would he be the one required to leave or me if he pays the rent, and would he still need to pay the rent for me and our sons even if he moved out?

Please let me know what my rights and responsibilities are.

Thank you for your help.

OP posts:
redbushtea · 21/10/2019 17:09

I wish you well OP. Your husband has let you down in his dealings with you. Any man who knowingly enters into a marriage contract and then fathers two children has obligations to them.

Maybe other women abroad will learn from your story and be very cautious before embarking on relationships with men they barely know.

Asiama · 21/10/2019 17:55

Hi OP, I don't see any realistic way of you staying without finding a job. A parental visa requires you to prove that you can support yourself without relying on the state. It is unlikely that the domestic violence route will get you anywhere - you have already had experience of one incident being dismissed by the police. I'm not sure you can rely on the goodwill not your husband, and even if you could, child maintenance is not going to be enough to support you. Do you have any other family in the UK who can help you?

Chattybum · 21/10/2019 18:26

You are going to struggle with providing evidence of domestic abuse if you are no longer together (because he is back together with his ex). You are officially separated from the sounds of it, so legally you should have updated the home office on this change because of your visa, which should now be cancelled. I can't say I feel particularly sorry for you, your gloating attitude was in extremely poor taste. Looks like you haven't quite got the system as licked as you previously thought.

fedup21 · 21/10/2019 19:18

I cannot see how my house of cards can fall apart. I can't see any weakness in my current plan of action

Hmmmm

Pinkflipflop85 · 21/10/2019 19:43

Wait....what was that sound....was it a card falling....

Minorityreports · 21/10/2019 20:36

So insufficient evidence of the domestic abuse... I didn't see that coming at all at all. It was a good chance though OP. Grin

Fuck me.

Your husband should run like fuck and I'm sure he is! You really will stop at nothing (lies/false accusations of violence) to get to stay here?
You do give immigrants a bad name.

Go home to Morocco and stop this charade. You're a disgrace.

Minorityreports · 21/10/2019 20:39

I say this as someone who has been beaten a number of times - when a man hits you - funnily enough, you'll have a bruise (if not several).

So insufficient evidence means he never hit you, you just found an 'out' and were going to throw him under a bus for you to get to stay.
I hope you're deported ASAP.

Minorityreports · 21/10/2019 20:42

I'm glad the husband isn't living with her anymore as I wouldn't put it past her to injure herself and blame him (not that I want to give her ideas).

Ohjustboreoff · 21/10/2019 20:51

@LittleMissMaghribi to be honest you sound vile! Just out for what you can get, nothing earned. All you have spoken about is what can you get, what you are entitled too. Nothing about that you have made this mess, you married a rather suspect man and then YOU had his children. It sounds like you moved to the U.K. knowing you wanted to leave him and thinking you could get more stuff here.
Have some pride woman! You will have a better life with your family.

BarbedBloom · 21/10/2019 23:07

Honestly OP, with the best will in the world, you are stuck. You won't get anywhere with the domestic abuse if the police dismissed it and even if they hadn't, as I said, you wouldn't have been able to prove you were in a relationship when it happened.

You can't get any benefits, you can't get a parental Visa with no job and you have no money to pay bills. Your husband will not continue paying the rent after this contract is up and landlord will evict you. If he evicted you for non payment then even if you do sort a Visa out somehow, the council won't help you as they will deem you as being voluntarily homeless. That happened to my friend.

You need to either find a job paying enough for you to stay and sort the visa, hoping your husband doesn't notify authorities that you have split or accept you have to go home and make the best of a bad situation. I am trying not to be unkind, but you need to resign yourself to the situation you are in now.

OhamIreally · 22/10/2019 05:24

Arnold Schwarzenegger is Austrian.

Coyoacan · 22/10/2019 05:36

I don't live in the uk but maybe some other person can recommend a charity that helps immigrants. Because I don't know what happens if you are expected to leave but he does not give permission for the children to go.

minesagin37 · 22/10/2019 05:55

Why would you think if you return to Morocco that you would get the same child support? How are a load of British mums going to know that?

fedup21 · 22/10/2019 07:05

So did he get a caution for hitting you or not?

Minorityreports · 22/10/2019 13:51

No he didn't. There was insufficient evidence that he hit her.

fallfallfall · 22/10/2019 15:39

based on my dd’s experience immigration from non eu countries isn’t at all easy. Her and her partner hired a lawyer, who’s charging them over 10K, it makes the 2K for the application seem cheap. Photos over time were needed, detailed time lines of any trips together, financial details with several thousand cash savings (in their case about 65K untouched minimum bank balance for 6 months). This is just the tip of the iceberg. During her stay she’s had to carry private insurance and not use the nhs. She will have to leave the UK to apply, she cannot apply from within.
From what you’ve said your ex is currently paying your rent but how are you funding food and dad to day expenses?

FabbyChix · 24/10/2019 17:41

He is liable for maintenance of his kids that’s it. He doesn’t have to support you.

Original poster
LittleMissMaghribi · 06/11/2019 15:23

According to this page on the Citizens Advice Beareu he has a responsibility to pay some of his salary for me during separation prior to divorce:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/financial-support-when-you-separate/

Due to his domestic violence, I am able to apply for legal aid for divorce proceedings and he can't afford a divorce lawyer.

So I am hoping that will put me in a slightly better position to get the judge to enforce some support payments from his salary.

OP posts:
zinrepus · 06/11/2019 16:35

That may help. Speak to your CAB, they will guide you well. Also find a local women's charity, as you are in a very precarious situation.

Because you are not living with your husband, you are already at risk, as the terms of the spousal visa are for you to be in the UK to live with your husband (I've got one myself, any time you renew your visa, you must explain any periods of time when you weren't living together). Considering how long you have been here, how much of that was spent not living together, even with the domestic violence, you could find yourself facing your visa being revoked. In the eyes of the Home Office, you were given permission to live with him, which aren't doing anymore, which they may not take kindly to.

Yes, the law should protect the women from the scenarios that you have found yourself in. And they do, if they come on a fiance visa. There is an interview process to prove that the relationship is real and subsisting and you must go in and prove that you have the intention of maintaining the relationship. Can you cheat in this? Sure, but the whole point is to protect women from forced marriages.

The issue is you weren't forced into the marriage, you were married already, for years in another country. British protections against forced or sham engagements and visas don't apply. The law doesn't protect against a bad husband (plenty of threads here will vouch for that). Your best hope is the domestic abuse situation which sounds difficult to prove at this point. At the same time you may have to face consequences for not fulfilling your end of the visa (namely living with your spouse, maintaining a relationship, and reporting when either stopped).

Another thing to bear in mind: he may be on a salary of £35,000 before tax, but that is not what he will take home. If he has no other expenses, debt, etc, he will take home £27,000. If he has one, two, or three other children, he will most likely be paying maintenance to his ex if they are no longer together and even if the physically are, but legally aren't. Which means you could be looking at a much smaller portion. You seem to have grasped that, but also know if he quits his job or is fired and reports it before you begin official proceedings, you could find yourself in a sticky situation.

Life in the UK is much better than many things, but that doesn't mean it's not hard (speaking from experience). Most middle class people in the UK require both the husband and wife to work to make ends meet. Some people can afford to have the wife not work. Usually these people have one maybe two children and that's it. Life as an immigrant is harder, even in the best of possible circumstances.

Perhaps you have been given advice from a charity or CAB that you have a chance. If they think you do, feel free to go for it. I'd really recommend you talk to a lawyer. Soon. The free ones often have wait times and the longer it goes, the harder it is to make the case that you weren't trying to work the system.

But speak to a lawyer. When I have done my applications, they have helped make sure everything is done properly and legally. Considering how hairy your situation is, I would be scared to do anything before a lawyer said it was okay.

Without speaking to a real lawyer, it's a coin toss to see whether you get IDLR or booted. Talk to a lawyer, not Mumsnet.

RobinHobb · 06/11/2019 17:59

I've been resisting but have been drawn in
@LittleMissMaghribi
Even if you get your visa (not sure how likely that is), and awarded 50% of his salary (unlikely) as spousal maintenance you WILL STILL NEED TO GET A JOB. Its not enough money. It's not Morocco. Part of the lambasting you're getting here is that people don't understand why you need to be supported by a husband or father when you are physically capable and can speak the language. Don't be lazy. Get a job. Your 30 hours free childcare will kick in and you will be able to.

RobinHobb · 06/11/2019 18:12

I've been resisting but have been drawn in
@LittleMissMaghribi
Even if you get your visa (not even sure how likely that is), and awarded 50% of his salary (unlikely) as spousal maintenance you WILL STILL NEED TO GET A JOB. Its not enough money. Most families have both parents working .It's not Morocco. Part of the lambasting you're getting here is that people don't understand why you need to be supported by a husband or father when you are physically capable and can speak the language. Don't be lazy. Get a job. Your 30 hours free childcare will kick in and you will be able to.

Redred2429 · 06/11/2019 18:47

Op you need to give up this game you are trying to abuse the system you should be ashamed of yourself

BarbedBloom · 07/11/2019 01:07

You will not get spousal maintenance on his salary it is barely awarded these days and only in long marriages situations where the husband is on a very high salary, e.g. 80k. I am sad to see you are really no further on in accepting your situation.

Jouri · 07/11/2019 01:50

I am not sure how correct am in this. It if you have not lived in the Uk for for at least 1 year I don’t even think you have the right to apply for a divorce here. I have married my husband abroad and it didn’t work so I came back to the Uk ( were I am habitually residing before marriage) and was told To wait till 12 months has passed since my return.

Kb12 · 07/11/2019 02:32

Following

Swipe left for the next trending thread