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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do i get my boy back?

164 replies

Justmomma · 29/12/2018 21:30

Background: I had my son at 23 he is now 3 years and my hubby and I have recently seperated and definitely heading for divorce. When he was 2 we agreed that he would stay with his grandma for a year during the week because we both work long hours and childcare is expensive. He was to return and stay with us at age 3 when we get 30hours funding and can afford extra hours child care. We seperated a month to his birthday and ex has now moved to his mum and feels our son should stay there with them and i can see him twice a month over weekends. Help! What do i do? How do i get my son back?... also he is not the biological father and he is aware of this but he says it is his right. He is on the birth certificate because we were married when I had my son.

OP posts:
Highginx · 30/12/2018 18:39

No - OP only decided for DS to stay with GM when he was 2 so it’s been a year maximum.

Original poster
Justmomma · 30/12/2018 18:39

I will try to answer as many questions as possible.

We got engaged on my last year of uni... i postponed the wedding in order to do an Msc... this caused a lot of friction and we seperated for 3 months. I got pregnant in that time. Bio dad was a friend from uni.. he moved back to germany. We were both not ready but i wanted to keep the baby. DH still wanted to get back together despite the pregnancy. We never really had any problems before except MIL of course so i didnt see any problems with it. We carried on with our relationship, got married and had our son.

Through out the years i never felt settled, i didn’t really want to name him on bc but at that point what do u do? Very few people would willingly take on that responsibility.

The Bio was always in contact from Germany.. he moved back to England a year ago and has seen DS multiple times since. We have spent multiple weekends away together and DS calls him “Dad” and DH is “Daddy”

With regards to MIL i pay her every month for taking care of DS. It was a childcare arrangement. Since we got home really late she offered for him to sleep over during the week. She lives an hour so picking him and droping him would have been a nightmare.

OP posts:
coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 18:41

tiger Read the thread - it's one year, not three.

And the OP "going to grab" her DS in this situation could seriously damage any case that the OP puts forward about having her DCs best interests at heart if/when it goes to court - the DF and his DM both have the right to seek an emergency court order immediately to have the DC returned to his primary residence if she snatches him.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 18:43

With regards to MIL i pay her every month for taking care of DS. It was a childcare arrangement. Since we got home really late she offered for him to sleep over during the week. She lives an hour so picking him and droping him would have been a nightmare.

If you have this in writing, it may help your case, but please, please seek expert legal advice before you do anything.

flapjackfairy · 30/12/2018 18:44

Once a child has lived with carers for 12 months they have the right to apply to the courts for residence, adoption etc . The child cannot be removed once the papers are lodged whilst the courts decide the child's future so I would get legal advice.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 18:45

OP

Try calling MATCH - they can provide expert advice: www.matchmothers.org/index.php/matchline-free-confidential-support

TigerTooth · 30/12/2018 18:46

Ok - Got it now.
Tricky - I'm sure you're doing the right thing to work it out rationally - Good luck.

Original poster
Justmomma · 30/12/2018 18:46

He has been with MIL for 1 year not 3... this only came about when our childminder bailed a year ago.

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMum · 30/12/2018 18:48

I think you need to get some legal advice, best of luck op.

Buttercupsandaisies · 30/12/2018 18:49

There no much crap on here

They have no rights long term. I've seen a very similar situation. The husband raised the kid for 8 years and got nothing as wasn't bio dad. The grandparent has no chance. Please stop scaring her!

And child hasn't lived there for a year full time so I don't expect the year long thing to stand as there's gals in residence.

CannotFindAUsernme · 30/12/2018 18:50

Am presuming at this stage that you are a man ? And an apparent bitter one at that. As I am sure you are aware, there are many of us in these access/custody situations at the minute. People do what they consider to be in the best interests of the dc from their own perspective, they do not consider the other persons pov. Why keep asking about fathers ? And why is it the trend to presume that fathers automatically are a great influence on childrens lives ? Not all are.
Would I give childcare over to a family member to get me through a sticky patch ? I dont know, others in my family have in the past. Again we dont know the full story, nor what we would do until we walk in those shoes.
I am not on anyones side here, I just feel the criticism amd judgement are way too harsh when you dont know the full story.

Buttercupsandaisies · 30/12/2018 18:51

Just go get your child. Explain what your plans are and offer them access if they cooperate. They'll get nothing once it goes to court. GPs have very little right - they're not even blood related!

IceRebel · 30/12/2018 18:52

I'm definitely agreeing with those who say expert legal advice, I doubt this is something that can be sorted with a run of the mill lawyer.

I will also say though that it sounds like your son has a a pretty disruptive time of it. A childminder with parents working long hours, then living with grandma during the week & weekends with mum and daddy. As well as weekends away with dad, mum and daddy. It's a lot to take in for someone so young.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 18:59

Buttercupsandaisies

I'm sorry, but you are wrong:

http://blackburndarwenchildcare.proceduresonline.com/chapters/presidd_order.html

^ A relative of a child is entitled to apply for a child arrangements order relating to whom the child is to live, and/or when the child is to live any person, if the child has lived with the relative for a period of at least one year immediately preceding the application. (A relative is a child's grandparent, brother, sister, uncle or aunt (by full or half blood), or by marriage or civil partnership).^

saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 19:00

I would go to the house and take him
Failing that you need an emergency residency order
This whole thing though,to me,seems bizarre.Firstly I'm bemused as to why he would of needed to live with MIL ,you first said in the week but i got the gist that it was more permanent.Secondly,the birth certificate thing,is Paternity fraud,its not illegal its more like adultery.Unless you are a royal!

Buttercupsandaisies · 30/12/2018 19:00

Yes the father can apply, the GP has no rights. He would never get residency though over a biological mother. He's get access only

Buttercupsandaisies · 30/12/2018 19:01

He also hasn't lived ther over a year full time. Only really 4 nights a week

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 19:06

Buttercupsandaisies

If a child has lived primarily with a GP for 12 months, they do have the right to apply, as per the link and quote in my pp.

Whether it is successful depends on the case put by the OP in court; which would start from a position to retain the status quo in the absence of evidence to the contrary. Suddenly removing her DS from his primary carer will not help her case.

There was a case on MN a few years ago where a parent failed to secure residency of their DC to a stepparent with whom the DC had been living when then other parent died. It's by no means the case the case that blood is the determining factor.

Buttercupsandaisies · 30/12/2018 19:12

Yes but in that case the child had been living with the step parent full time when the other parent died.

But the op has lived with her child. For 2 years then 3 night a week for the last year. Also her DH hasn't lived with him either so He has even less chance once paternity is proven. The GP isn't related by blood or marriage really and was paid which suggests a more business like arrangement.

Buttercupsandaisies · 30/12/2018 19:13

What I mean is that it's not like the child's been living with his step dad. He's been living with a non related gp which lessens chance further. Even blood gps have no right of access.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 19:25

Even blood gps have no right of access.

Any adult, related or not, has a right to apply for a CAO after two years living with a DC as a member of the household. In the case of a GP, the relationship through marriage (of the DCs mother to the GP son) decreases that to one year when the DC has lived with that grandparent as a member of the household.

The reality is, there could well be a court case. What is decided in court depends significantly on how the OP presents and conducts herself. Snatching her DS away from his primary carer, and the man who has raised him as a DF (all be it one who is not blood related) could significantly harm her case for residency if that is what she wishes.

Jaffacakebeast · 30/12/2018 19:33

Oh my god. Get your son. Refuse to give him to your ex. Let him take you to court for access. Tell court he’s not the df. They’ll do dna and remove him from birth certificate. Being 23 isn’t an excuse for acting like this. Lying to a child about who their family is disgraceful!

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 19:37

He had been living with his step dad (also legal father) as much as he has been his mother.

This isn't a usual go situation and the child's main residency is with the gp

Op it appears that, from one point if view, that the father of the baby fucked off to Germany, your dh offered to take the baby on and that was good enough at the time. You don't like you MIL and call her a problem in the relationship, but let her have primary care of your child. In the year the bio father has been back you couldn't deal with childcare between 3 of you?

You chose this path. You chose to put him on the birth certificate. You chose to let him be the father and her, the primary carer.

It's not a childcare situation like nursery. He lives at her house lost of the time. She isn't a qualified professional and you are a customer. What you pay her is the equivalent to CMS.

Allowing your husband to be the child's father legally, but only as long as he is with you is awful . I bet you would be loaning if dh said he wanted no contact with the boy, because he isn't his real dad. Wouldn't you be asking if the child meant anything to him.

You can go e your child a father then just remove him. Well you can. But your shouldn't.

The child needs to start coming first

IceRebel · 30/12/2018 19:37

I'm still wondering if the MIL knows that they child isn't biologically her grandchild. Also the thought of losing contact with him must be heartbreaking when she's looked after him 5 days a week for a year.

Starlight456 · 30/12/2018 20:03

I wonder how much was planned . Timing with baby Ds coming home seems very co incidental.

I do think this is far more complicated than mn. As can be shown by different responses.

I would demand to continue current arrangement at the minute and get legal advice ASAP.

Do you get child benefit ? Whose name is it in ?