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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do i get my boy back?

164 replies

Justmomma · 29/12/2018 21:30

Background: I had my son at 23 he is now 3 years and my hubby and I have recently seperated and definitely heading for divorce. When he was 2 we agreed that he would stay with his grandma for a year during the week because we both work long hours and childcare is expensive. He was to return and stay with us at age 3 when we get 30hours funding and can afford extra hours child care. We seperated a month to his birthday and ex has now moved to his mum and feels our son should stay there with them and i can see him twice a month over weekends. Help! What do i do? How do i get my son back?... also he is not the biological father and he is aware of this but he says it is his right. He is on the birth certificate because we were married when I had my son.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/12/2018 12:54

"Child of a marriage" is to do with inheritance and financial support divorce.

If you turn up to register a baby you are told clearly that it is for the biological parents! If you turn up without you husband you are told that your DH should only be registered as the father if they are the biological father!!!

Presumably there are guidelines for donor conception and surrogacy.

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 12:56

I can't believe what I am reading on this thread.

The op has been quite happy for this man to be the child's father for 3 years, but now is going to just correct that so the father and grandmother have no legal rights to the child.

The child has lived with the grandmother for a year. And people are encouraging the op to just remove the child from is main home.

Despite the birth certificate being changed, you may find, as MIL has been the main carer for a year that it's not as simple as ring and getting him.

Many women move home to their parents, take the children post split and let the father have weekends visits. I have never seen anyone say that, that isn't ok. Why isn't it ok for the husband to do the same?

There is no way i can let them raise my son.
Except she has been doing. Between 3 parents (you your husband and the father) you couldn't get your act together enough to have your son living with you during the week? I had my first at 22 and both me and my dh worked full time.

NomsQualityStreets · 30/12/2018 13:03

You've been together 6 years and your son who is not your ExPs is 3?

What happened?

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 30/12/2018 13:03

Something isn't adding up here, I may have missed something, so if I am asking obvious questions please forgive me.

You were with DP for 6 years, child not his, child is almost 3? So did you cheat or separate?

Your childs dad was happy to let another be named on birth cert, he isn't an absent father as you say your child knows his dad? Was the dad part of the agreement that your son would not live with you?

You are waiting for DNA results, an appointment to change birth cert before you go get your son?

Get off Mumsnet, go to the house and get your son back! Don't wait!

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 13:06

OP - you need urgent legal advice.

Your MIL will have the right to apply to court for a Child Arrangement Order once your DS has been living with her for 12 months, even though she is not a blood relative.

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 13:07

Does MIL know the child isn't biologically hee grandchild? Not that it would make a difference love wise, but could legally.

GreatestShowUnicorn · 30/12/2018 13:08

Was your son donor conceived? Or through an affair?

Orchiddingme · 30/12/2018 13:09

Sounds like this was their plan all along. Sounds like the OP works very long hours and was persuaded that this was best and lo and behold, now the husband and mum have the child who isn't even their biologically. That was not what the OP intended and now she's, rightfully, distraught.

OP, I know what I would do, which is seek good legal advice, can you ring around some lawyers on Monday/Wednesday and get solid advice about changing the BC, getting a divorce and any other legal stuff. I don't think the grandparent's rights issue will matter here- but you need legal advice.

You have parental responsibility of your own son though, so you can just go and get him and take him to live with you and wait for your husband to go to court for access.

Please seek legal advice though, or post in legal here. Ideally with more than one lawyer. You do have a right to look after your own child though, whatever the arrangements were last year, and I would re-establish a new norm of him being with you.

Orchiddingme · 30/12/2018 13:11

I agree about getting the child back very quickly though- either wait til the next visit or just go and get him when your husband is not there. It's your child, not the MIL's, and you have PR at the moment- as others have said, they may have well sought legal advice and be waiting it out for 12 months, so you need to act very quickly and don't then feel bad about denying them access til it is legally agreed and PR properly re-established, I wouldn't anyway.

pineapplebryanbrown · 30/12/2018 13:12

Having a child at 23 is not that young, 16 yes but 23 is perfectly ordinary. Also if you can't manage to work and raise your 2 year old, go on benefits, don't give him to grandma.

Are you set up to raise him again now?

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 13:13

Orchiddingme yeah of course. Must be his fault. Couldn't be that the op made poor decisions and didn't think of the consquences of any of her actions.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 13:14

don't then feel bad about denying them access til it is legally agreed and PR properly re-established, I wouldn't anyway.

While I understand the legalities, Given that the MIL has been the DCs primary carer for the last 12 months I think this is very callous advice Sad

Orchiddingme · 30/12/2018 13:18

Notacluethisxmas perhaps she has made poor decisions, the most obvious one agreeing to what her MIL and husband thought best- I very much doubt she was the one driving this although I don't know that of course. Poor decisions made a year ago doesn't mean she has to give up her child, though! That's not what she agreed to do and that's not what she wants to do, unsurprisingly.

This child is not related to the husband. The bio dad is around, as is his mum. There is no good reason for the child to go live with a divorced non-related husband til age 18, even if he has been in the child's life for 3 years, from this point on in his life.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/12/2018 13:18

You have two issues really.

First is the fraud, there will be repercussions from it.

Also, given the amount of time your child has been living with them, that is his home now. That's his life and his comfort zone and I don't think any court will say he should be ripped away from that.

NotBeingRobbed · 30/12/2018 13:22

Some men are happy to make their wives work long hours and claim there is no other way of supporting the family. Sometimes the money is even vanishing because the husband has a drink habit or whatever. People don’t want to end up on benefits.

Maybe OP is from another culture where it’s common for women to work away from their children? She said the nearest family is in Germany. I wouldn’t judge because she has worked hard to support her child and maybe better their lives and MIL offered support for that until now.

NotBeingRobbed · 30/12/2018 13:24

I don’t think the birth cert can be fraud. It is very common for a child to have a father other than the husband - more common than we think. Sometimes the mother is not sure who the father is and these women are not jailed for fraud if they got it wrong!

Orchiddingme · 30/12/2018 13:26

While I understand the legalities, Given that the MIL has been the DCs primary carer for the last 12 months I think this is very callous advice

If these were super-nice caring people, they wouldn't be in this position, changing the game and telling the OP she can have her son twice a month (which could be withdrawn at any time). I wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else wanted once their own machinations became clear. A MIL should not want to take a child away from its own mother. The MIL should be encouraging 50/50 care after divorce and stepping back. They are not and may be trying to establish their own legal rights here.

Fight fire with fire.

I would do anything to secure my children's right to be with me and that would include doing selfish things to ensure the long-term outcome.

Being brought up by a non-related grandma who has edged out the mother, and cared for the child in the week for one year out of 18, is not a desirable situation all round.

Aridane · 30/12/2018 13:28

Legal advice as a matter of urgency!

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 13:28

I very much doubt she was the one driving this although I don't know that of course. Poor decisions made a year ago doesn't mean she has to give up her child, though! That's not what she agreed to do and that's not what she wants to do, unsurprisingly.

Based on what? She says she was doing what she thought was best. Her poor decision to put a man who isn't the father on the BC is also a huge mistake.

Wether the child is blood related or not, is neither here not there. OP has been happy for him to be the father for 3 years, legally, and happy for the MIL to be the main carer for a year.

Legally, right now, he has PR. Even when the birth certificate is changed it won't be that simple.

If a mother removed a child to her parents and just allowed the father to see the child at weekends no one would be saying the man should go remove the child.

The op is not the child's main carer. She was a child when she had the baby or gave him to her MIL. Removing the child and undoing this will not be simple. He is the child's father, legally and to the child.

And I don't believe they could not sort childcare. Between 3 parents? Pull the other one. This suited the op and she was fine when it suited her.

She needs legal advice before she goes trying to remove the child from the house that is his main residence. Luckily, it sounds like the OP has more sense than most posters here

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/12/2018 13:28

@NotBeingRobbed it won't help her case though and will act as a negative factor.

RandomMess · 30/12/2018 13:31

Geez this is ridiculous

If you knowingly lie on a birth certificate it's fraud!!!

It's a legal document to register the biological parents.

Yes it's not uncommon for a man to raise DC when he is not the bio father. It's still fraud to lie on the birth certificate!

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 13:33

NotBeingRobbed who said she would go to prison. Yes, I have seen stats that say many married men are not the biological father of their children. I massively doubt the stats.

However, the op knew he wasn't the father and so did he. They knowingly lied on a legal document. She was happy for it to be this way while see benefited but didn't think of the consequences.

There could be huge consquences for the child's well being to remove him from. His home and not allowing the MIL to see the child.

This isn't about the ops rights. It's about the child and the child's well being.

NotBeingRobbed · 30/12/2018 13:35

So the father knowingly lied too.

She is the child’s mother so her parental rights cannot be disputed. The MIL isn’t even a blood relative. This child has been kidnapped.

RandomMess · 30/12/2018 13:35

@Notacluethisxmas

Couldn't agree more!!

Worriedmummybekind · 30/12/2018 13:36

Will people stop wittering on about fraud.... it’s not relevant, almost certainly not true and isn’t helpful...

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