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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do i get my boy back?

164 replies

Justmomma · 29/12/2018 21:30

Background: I had my son at 23 he is now 3 years and my hubby and I have recently seperated and definitely heading for divorce. When he was 2 we agreed that he would stay with his grandma for a year during the week because we both work long hours and childcare is expensive. He was to return and stay with us at age 3 when we get 30hours funding and can afford extra hours child care. We seperated a month to his birthday and ex has now moved to his mum and feels our son should stay there with them and i can see him twice a month over weekends. Help! What do i do? How do i get my son back?... also he is not the biological father and he is aware of this but he says it is his right. He is on the birth certificate because we were married when I had my son.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/12/2018 22:04

@MyDcAreMarvel are you are registrar???

Quick google tells you it means a DC if BOTH spouse or ex spouse!!

Bumblebee39 · 29/12/2018 22:07

Ive never heard of a childcare registration number?

I think because he is on the birth certificate there is not much you can do. Also the arrangement with the grandparents (even if they are not biologically related) can give them some rights too although not the same as someone with PR

I know people are very shocked by the prospect of a mother working away from her child during the week which is kind of hypocritical because 1) historically it would have been Normal for parents to work away and 2) Dads do it all the time

Actually I think it shows that you were putting your child's financial needs first which I admire but also it does deviate from the social norm so may mean that a court does not look at it well. I think SS/cafcass can be a bit thick and think that the only way people show their love for their children is by spending every waking second with them- not so. We all have to make difficult decisions and actually I am happy for my DCs to spend a lot of time in childcare and with relatives so that I can provide for them as a single parent so I am probably biased.

Bumblebee39 · 29/12/2018 22:08

Does anyone claim child benefit or CTC/WTC
You may find the grandparents are claiming it (and they would be within their rights to)

Original poster
Justmomma · 29/12/2018 22:09

It was only a temporary arrangement. We all know how expensive childcare can be and considering i had him at 23 i was only doing what i thought was best. Its not easy trying to juggle a career and a child at any age leave alone when you are just starting off. It was only for a year and i do have text messages showing the agreement. I couldn’t have known that we would seperate. Tbh i didn’t think we would get to the point of divorce until i found all my childs documents missing and realised what was going on. I think he is also afraid of losing him and everything he is doing is out of fear

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 29/12/2018 22:10

The registration number is for the 30 hours free childcare that a nursery would need. OP you can you register yourself online for an account and get him a number. Give that to the nursery/preschool and it will negate his number.

I know this because I created two accounts for my daughter by mistake.

MynameisJune · 29/12/2018 22:11

Sorry get a new number with your account and it will negate your ex’s number.

Original poster
Justmomma · 29/12/2018 22:15

@MynameisJune... thank you! He is meant to start nursery in January so i will do this right away and register him locally! This was my main problem.

If i correct the birth certificate i think i can go and just get my son!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 29/12/2018 22:16

Gosh. It sounds a bit like kidnap. This is awful, do you get on with exes mum? Could you go and fetch DS, or would they refuse to let you see him?

howrudeforme · 29/12/2018 22:16

Op - you have so much on.

He is playing a nasty game here - taking ds documents. He’s pretty much denying you access.

Get your accommodation sorted - can you get a small two bed flat. Reregister for the free childcare and get legal advice.

Charley50 · 29/12/2018 22:17

I wonder if the police can help?

HarrietSchulenberg · 29/12/2018 22:18

How long has your son lived with his "grandma" for? My first instinct as a mother would be to march into "grandma"'s house and take my boy home but, as you've hardly seen him for a third of his life, he's going to find that rather confusing and is likely to have formed a strong relationship with both the person he thinks is his father and the one he thinks is his grandma.

I think you need to take some time to re-establish yourself as an important person in his life before you start thinking about removing him from what's become his home.

howrudeforme · 29/12/2018 22:18

You don’t need to correct the birth certificate in order to get your ds. You just need to get him.

beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 22:23

Op I can't imagine what you're going through, get legal advice ASAP

Are you on good terms with the mil?

Get biological father and go there, call the police too.

Do you have any proof that ex is not the biological father? Take it with you

If that fails you need to do everything you can Legally

Highginx · 29/12/2018 22:23

OP, you’re not in a relationship with this man and he is not your son’s father. You need to get him.

I’m really concerned about your ex partner’s conduct. How dare he?

MynameisJune · 29/12/2018 22:24

If you march around there and manage to get him back what are you going to do about his nursery/childcare? Does he have a nursery place already?

When is your next access supposed to be?

Original poster
Justmomma · 29/12/2018 22:25

@Charley50 yes! It feels like kidnap! But i’m trying not to do anything irrational!
@howrudeforme I have got 3 bed cottage to move to in february so accomodation should be ok

I’m obviously in shock with the situation. We were together for 6 years so its all very unexpected. His mother has played a significant role in ruining our marriage and the current situation with my son. There is no way i can let them raise my son.

Thank you everyone for your input. I really needed different opinions and advise. I don’t really have family or close friends to talk to about this. But i think i now have assurity i am preparing well for the battle ahead.

OP posts:
beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 22:28

Look forget your housing situation being less than perfect and all the details surrounding childcare... GO GET YOUR SON! He's meant to be with his mother not two people who would willingly take him from his mother.

Strictly1 · 29/12/2018 22:30

I think you're right to pause and not act in haste. Good luck x

Original poster
Justmomma · 29/12/2018 22:30

DNA tests have been ordered so once the results are in i will correct the birth cert. in the meantime i will get a new registration number and get him registered for a nursery close to the new house. Once bc is corrected and nursery place is confirmed i will grab him. He knows me and loves me and always says he wants to stay with me. He also knows his biological dad so no issues there

OP posts:
Highginx · 29/12/2018 22:35

Six years and your son is three?

howrudeforme · 29/12/2018 23:17

Op looks like it’s managable but very stressful.

Your ex sounds nasty. Why would a man want full custody of a child that’s not his, particularly as the dc knows his biological father? Does he and his mum hate you to point they want custody to hurt you?

You seem to be outwardly keeping your cool. Is there any way you’d feel comfortable explaining the situation to work - they might give you some flexibility ie time off, working from home etc.

I seperated 3 years ago and had to sell up and move out of London. I initially resigned, but they offered me the opportunity to do v flexible working.

NotBeingRobbed · 30/12/2018 12:43

Get your son. The birth certificate isn’t fraud because a husband is automatically listed whether the father or not.

Worry about the childcare once you have your son. You can do it! What about getting a live-in carer eg au pair. The cost is low - £100 a week. Plus you have to feed and house her. It is affordable. He could even go to free childcare too so the au pair isn’t doing too much but is around in the evenings etc.

This man and his mother have stolen your child. Please get him back. The rest - job, money, housing can be arranged in the end. You must sort out a settlement with Stbex too.

RandomMess · 30/12/2018 12:45

@NotBeingRobbed that isn't true about husband being automatically registered!!!

NotBeingRobbed · 30/12/2018 12:46

I am not a lawyer but I believe it is correct to say a “child of the marriage.” Whatever. If he isn’t the dad a dna test will fix it.

2019already · 30/12/2018 12:52

Sadly OP, this isn’t about you now, it’s about your son. He has lived the majority of his life at grandmother’s address, that was your choice. You now have to think about how confusing it would be for him to leave that house - a court will certainly be considering this.