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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do i get my boy back?

164 replies

Justmomma · 29/12/2018 21:30

Background: I had my son at 23 he is now 3 years and my hubby and I have recently seperated and definitely heading for divorce. When he was 2 we agreed that he would stay with his grandma for a year during the week because we both work long hours and childcare is expensive. He was to return and stay with us at age 3 when we get 30hours funding and can afford extra hours child care. We seperated a month to his birthday and ex has now moved to his mum and feels our son should stay there with them and i can see him twice a month over weekends. Help! What do i do? How do i get my son back?... also he is not the biological father and he is aware of this but he says it is his right. He is on the birth certificate because we were married when I had my son.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 30/12/2018 16:27

The MIL and dad may have taken Legal advice about the timings - if it is one year then they're probably in a stronger position.

Do you know for def he isn't the father ? How are you going to get a dna swab from him ?

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 30/12/2018 16:35

I can't get my head around this.
Does 'grandma' know that DS isn't her legitimate grandchild?
DS stayed there Mon-Fri every single week for a year?
I'm surprised, considering his age, that he's built any sort of mother/son relationship with you at all. Grandma is basically the 'resident parent' in this situation.

You need to get some serious legal advice and quickly. The longer this is left the more of a fight your going to have on your hands.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

CannotFindAUsernme · 30/12/2018 16:41

@notacluethisxmas, I believe a lot of us are here living with the consequences of bad choices made in our past, choices that at the time may have seemed like the right thing to do. Does that mean we should all just suffer our current circumstance, just suck it up ? Or should we try to do what we believe is best for our kids and ourselves ? Your language is dramatic and unnecessary, perhaps if you wish to echo someone elses post you could do it honestly, and not play chinese whispers with it, unless you know more than the rest of us ? The OP only wants advice and dare I say it support, not judge and jury on an internet forum !

IceRebel · 30/12/2018 16:52

Or should we try to do what we believe is best for our kids and ourselves ?

In this situation it could be argued that the best thing for he child would be to stay where he has been living for the last year. The Op going to get him would mean losing his main caregiver, having a new home, new area, a new nursery and living with an almost stranger.

Charley50 · 30/12/2018 16:54

Why is his mum a virtual stranger? She sees him every weekend.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 16:57

I believe a lot of us are here living with the consequences of bad choices made in our past, choices that at the time may have seemed like the right thing to do. Does that mean we should all just suffer our current circumstance, just suck it up ? Or should we try to do what we believe is best for our kids and ourselves

Sometimes, living with the consequences of our choices is the only option, no matter how poor they were.

And in terms of 'doing the right thing' - a court may well view the OP removing her DS from his primary carer and preventing further contact as NOT being in the DCs bests interests. Plenty of parents have successfully secured emergency child arrangement orders when one parent has removed a child from their primary residence.

CannotFindAUsernme · 30/12/2018 17:02

The suggestion to go get the child was made by a poster not by the OP which is why I am objecting to the strong tones being used ! Read the thread people...

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 17:18

CannotFindAUsernme wtf? If you read the whole thread, you would see that I actually said the op was being more sensible than the posters suggesting she just goes get the child. But the op has ordered the DNA test and plans to remove him from the birth certificate and remo e parental responsibility so that he has no legal rights to the child. If you read the thread the op has said that herself. I haven't made that up. That's her plan.

The child lost it's main carer when he left his parents and moved in with MIL. Now op wants him to lose his main carer again. A 2 year old doesn't understand the concept of don't get to attached, this arrangement is only for a year. They become attached to their carers.

But there doesn't seem to be much care for the child and what this has and will do to him. Neither from the op, possibly her husband or from lots of people on this thread.

When you are a grown and make stupid decisions, there are cinsquences. It's not about punishment. It's what happens. And as adults we have to learn to live with them.

NotANotMan · 30/12/2018 17:22

The mother is the mother not a 'virtual stranger' but she's still not the main carer

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 17:30

But the op has ordered the DNA test and plans to remove him from the birth certificate and remo e parental responsibility so that he has no legal rights to the child.

Fortunately for DCs, it's more complex than that - the law reflects the fact that even non-blood relations can become primary carers, or significant adults in a DCs life.
The OPs MIL will have the right to apply for a child arrangement order after 12 months of the DC living with her irrespective of whether her DS is the father and/or has PR, by dint of the fact that her DS is married to the DCs mother.

The law also states that Any adult who has lived with a child as part of a family can apply for a CAO after 2 years of living with them.

I understand that in some cultures, extended family bringing up a DC is not unusual, but in the UK this is less usual and is known as informal kinship care, and is often overseen by the LA.

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 17:35

coldheartwarmhands which is exactly what I have said. However, because of duff advice, from some, on the thread and some people's assumptions that mothers wishes trump everyone else and mothers do no wrong....The ops plan is to get a DNA test and then change the birth certificate to stop him having legal rights to child. If he has no rights, neither does his mother.

That's her plan. It's a shit one that won't work anyway, because of decisions she has made in the past. But it's still her plan. Its Not me taking what someone else has said and claiming she said it, which is what you accused me of.

LesLavandes · 30/12/2018 17:37

OP. The first thing you must do is make an appointment with a family solicitor. This is of the utmost importance

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 17:42

@Notacluethisxmas Accused you? Where? I'm so sorry if you've taken anything as an accusation - I was certainly not trying to get into a gunfight with anyone Shock

unfortunateevents · 30/12/2018 17:43

Think you are all arguing amongst yourselves - OP hasn't been back since last night when the 6 year relationship with a 3 year old child with someone else was called out.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 17:44

Bunfight* not gunfight Grin

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 17:45

coldheartwarmhands no it's me. Confused you with another poster. So sorry Blush

IceRebel · 30/12/2018 17:47

Bunfight not gunfight*

I was going to say! A tad extreme of you there Grin

CannotFindAUsernme · 30/12/2018 17:49

I think she is changing the birth cert in order to primarily give herself the upper hand rather than to remove his rights. It just so happens it will kill 2 birds with one stone. Your perspective is skewed. I understand the effects of being moved about as a child, possibly more than most due to my own background, but if I was in her position and was told that I could only see my dc 2 times a month by a MIL and XH I would be moving heaven and earth to get to them. Perhaps in the future there could be access arrangements put in place for all but is it fair as it stands at the minute ? If everyone had the child's interests at heart wouldnt they be trying to find a better way ? Sometimes fire has to be fought with fire.
As for consequences, yes we have to live with them but we can also learn from them and perhaps put things right or do them better.

coldheartwarmhands · 30/12/2018 17:55

@Notacluethisxmas ThanksXmas Wink

JohnnyKarate · 30/12/2018 17:57

You really need to seek proper legal advice. Nobody on this thread can help you, mainly because nobody knows the full situation. Good luck I hope you get your son back.

Notacluethisxmas · 30/12/2018 18:10

but if I was in her position and was told that I could only see my dc 2 times a month by a MIL and XH I would be moving heaven and earth to get to them.
Don't you think many fathers feel the same though?
Also would you give primary care to another person to save on childcare?

Wallywobbles · 30/12/2018 18:15

Lawyer up fast. Find someone who knows they're stuff. Don't imagine it's going to be as easy as seeing just one lawyer. You'll need recommendations for a specialist in the area.

But think carefully about what's in the interests of the child. In the UK your situation is very unusual.

reallyanotherone · 30/12/2018 18:27

Twice a month aka eow is standard access for a nrp.

O/p your situation is very complicated. If your ex has pr, which he will do if he is on the bc and you were married when your som was born, then it is not kidnap and the police will not get involved. Exactly the same as if it were you that kept the child and his dad/anyone else with pr also wanted residency.

This needs to be sorted through the family court. If you go and grab your child, there is nothing to stop your ex grabbing the child back. It will only be the child that suffers.

Get a solicitor and sort it out. Ignore everything here as it is just opinion, not legal advice.

Micah · 30/12/2018 18:29

Double standard much.

Man as nrp seeing his child twice a month, more than acceptable.

Woman as nrp seeing child twice a month, terrible, go snatch the child back, awful situation.

TigerTooth · 30/12/2018 18:36

So you've only seen your child at weekends? For 3 years? And left him with his 'grandma' who has no biological link to him?
He must think his grandma is his mother! I'm just shocked if that is the case and it's probably in the child's best interests to stay there - but if he were mine I'd just grab him. Sod work, housing etc - just grab your boy and work the rest out as you go.