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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

50/50 custody

101 replies

31weeksgone · 09/10/2018 23:43

How do people manage? Me and my partner are seperating. He’s insisting on 50/50 custody. My daughter is just about to turn 3.

My heart is pounding and I can’t sleep for crying. I haven’t ever left her for a night. I can’t bear the thought of spending half of the week away from my baby. Sorry if it sounds dramatic but I feel heartbroken

OP posts:

ScandiCinnamon · 10/10/2018 12:44

Could not read and not post.

Are you the primary carer?

I am also due to separate. My ex OH also insist on 50/50 custody but that is more to cause issues for me than out of love for the DD's

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/10/2018 14:00

Hi Scandi. Sorry you’re in the same boat. Yes I am the primary carer, although I’ve just returned to work what do you think you’ll do?

OP posts:

ScandiCinnamon · 10/10/2018 15:23

I am not going to agree to one week with him and one with me. It is not in the DD's best interest only his. They don't want to do it like that. I am seeking legal advice if there is anything at all I can do.

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/10/2018 17:02

I’m going to seek legal advice too. Mine is only 2. It’s not in the best interest for mine to be away from mum for such long periods of time at 2.

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 10/10/2018 17:03

Do you both work full time? Do you think this is being done for financial reasons?

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/10/2018 17:17

I work 4 days a week but dropping down to 3 in wake of the custody to have more time to spend with her. He’s just adamant he will miss her etc and wants the same time that I will get with her.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 10/10/2018 17:35

You StBEx has exactly the same valid point as you, just because your mum doesn't mean you hold the trump card. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh it isn't meant to be.

Its becoming more and more common to have 50/50 awarded, you can't really say it's not in your Dds interests, her best interests are to have a relationship with both parents.

If 50/50 Is awarded.....you may find ex struggles with the reality of it and asks for an adjustment, he will also be financially responsible for childcare whilst he's at work. He probably hadn't thought about the logistics, just that He wants to see her. Ask him what his plan/routine would be....

Redbus1030 · 10/10/2018 17:45

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/10/2018 18:03

Combatbarbie I didn’t say he didn’t have a valid point, I was asking how other parents coped in such a sad situation, thanks.

I’m happy for her to be 50/50 when she’s older and more independent but she’s 2. I put her to bed and settle her every night. I’ve never spent a night away from her. He travels frequently for work. Wouldn’t know what to do if she was ill. Doesn’t know how to discipline her. Barely any hands on parenting at all

OP posts:

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/10/2018 18:07

He says he will stop her nursery she’s used to and my mum looks after her too, and give her to his 70 year old mother to look after on his days and nights. I can wholeheartedly say that isn’t in her best interest when she is settled in her childcare arrangement and doesn’t deserve it upended

OP posts:

kshaw · 10/10/2018 18:48

I know someone who does Monday Tuesday with mum, Wednesday Thursday with dad then alternate each week Friday to Sunday. All drop offs at school (obv different for you) but works for them

Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2018 18:54

I don't suppose it's in his 70 yo mother's best interest either. She must be dreading it. Let him take it to court and have the judge decide.

Love51 · 10/10/2018 18:59

Traditionally the best interest of the child was deemed to be close to the status quo. It now seems to be 50/50. Does anyone know why the change? Is there any evidence it works better for children? I can see it with older ones, or where both parents were involved, but not for little ones who had a clear primary carer.

RandomMess · 10/10/2018 19:06

You can ask as part of a court order that you have first refusal of care so if she isn't going to be in his care that you are offered before childcare, or relatives providing childcare etc.

What to you truly think is his motivation behind him insisting 50/50 when he works away, never puts her to bed etc? Is about the maintenance money, genuinely going to miss her, bitterness at You instigating the split, he's controlling of you and wants to continue that...?

Original poster

31weeksgone · 10/10/2018 19:28

Thank you random I hadn’t thought of that I will ask for first refusal of care!

I think it’s genuine care, and control so I won’t leave, and also just damn stubbornness

Don’t think he really cares about maintenance costs to be honest.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/10/2018 19:42

I would use phrases such as "we need to be flexible with contact so DD gets to spend time with you around your work commitments"

You will need to split weekends 50:50 and each of you can have your annual leave as a block of time. Then the only thing is for him to have her overnights when he isn't working away and you do them when he is. Does he keep regular work days Mon -Fri or is it shifts?

You also need to be very clear that what works for her now will have to be revisited when she starts school and the only quality time is weekends and school holidays.

Whoknows11 · 13/10/2018 19:56

I think 50/50 care is damaging to the child. A child needs stability and a place to call home. How can they get that when they don’t know where they are one day to the next.
My ex wanted it due every reason possible but not for our children’s best interests but court didn’t allow it, thankfully.

How can a child so young who has been raised 80% by their mother be taken away from them for prolonged periods of time. It sends shivers down my spine to think how it will affect them.

Stay strong and fight for what you feel is best for your child x

Rtmhwales · 13/10/2018 20:04

I don’t see the issue with 50/50 care. I had it with my parents growing up. Same as a PP said - Mum had Wed/Thurs each week, Dad Mon/Tues and the weekends were alternated. I’ve also seen this same situation with a previous partner and his ex wife, and in one family I nannied for. The kids all turned out. But that’s not what OP is really querying.

I’d imagine you adapt and adjust because you have to and it would be hard in the beginning. He may not know how to settle her at night etc but he will learn. Same thing as mothers with newborns learn as they go or parents that adopt slightly older toddlers or children. You may find their bond strengthens as she gets older and as he gains confidence in looking after her. And you may find you eventually enjoy some free time, nights of uninterrupted sleep and eventually evenings free when/if you ever want to date again. It just seems overwhelming now because it’s changing your whole way of knowing life.

pointythings · 14/10/2018 18:43

A good friend of mine had 50/50 with his DD from a very young age - and it's worked really well. However, their split was completely amicable so possibly a different situation.

Original poster

31weeksgone · 14/10/2018 18:54

I don’t doubt he’ll learn to grow and be a good dad, more what can I do for my emotions. Still feel really cut up about it thanks for everyone’s responses x

OP posts:

Hellywelly10 · 14/10/2018 19:04

Dont be bullied into it op. Young children need a consistant relationship with a primary care giver. It wouldnt be 50/50 care as he would be leaving her overnight with his mum. I think you should refuse op and make a counter offer.

5Makes9 · 14/10/2018 19:16

I coped by keeping busy. Working when it wasn’t my day to have our children, seeing friends. Holidays were the worst - week and eventually two (even three once).
I agreed to 50/50 on the basis he did both school runs (as I did) and cared for them in the evening. I agree you should get first refusal. Would be wise for him to have her on the days you work though.

Redglitter · 14/10/2018 19:24

I think 50/50 care is damaging to the child. A child needs stability and a place to call home. How can they get that when they don’t know where they are one day to the next

I've got 2 close friends who've done 50/50
Once since her son was barely 3. Its worked perfectly. The children have known exactly where they are on set nights.

They all have their own rooms in each house & great stability

anunseemlylovefordustin · 14/10/2018 19:57

My brother has 50/50 custody with his children and it works pretty well for everyone, the kids adapted really well and are really happy in both houses. (Having said that, the idea of my daughter (14 months) being away from me against my will for even one night makes me go cold all over). Sorry OP. I think legal advice is the best first step!

Original poster

31weeksgone · 17/10/2018 18:23

I’m going to get a legal appointment for some help, but try to manage to cope with it. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

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