50/50 custody

[31weeksgone]

How do people manage? Me and my partner are seperating. He’s insisting on 50/50 custody. My daughter is just about to turn 3.

My heart is pounding and I can’t sleep for crying. I haven’t ever left her for a night. I can’t bear the thought of spending half of the week away from my baby. Sorry if it sounds dramatic but I feel heartbroken

I left UK at age 23. Son appeared at age 41. Ex was with me 10 years before marriage. So she knew all about me working overseas and that any children that may appear would spend long periods without seeing their father.

To those on MN who flippantly state "just get a job in UK" they obviously have never worked overseas. Several well known Recruiters in UK have advised several times that UK employers will never be able to match what I can achieve outside UK. Hence they will not offer a Job as they think I will be off overseas a soon as first offer is made.

obviously have never worked oversea

Guess again.

So if you have worked overseas how did you organize children?

I see. Lot of 50 50 care. I’m not convinced about it.

@PouchofDouglas

"I see. Lot of 50 50 care. I’m not convinced about it."

Why should you be convinced of what's in the best interests of the children?

I’m wondering if 50/50 is just better when the child is older and more able to cope and understand it.

This thread has kind of been hijacked by missedtheboat. I’ll comment on that situation if it’s in it’s own thread

To Op, really does sound stressful, I think 2 is too young for a 50/50. Seek legal advice and remain flexible, I’d advise coming up with a plan and set agreement until a certain age, then arranging a meeting to re-evaluate. Co parenting should be adaptable and possibly change over time to meet the needs of the child.

I hope he thinks about it, and you come to an agreement. There’s a massive difference between a toddler being so dependant on the known, and an older child whose understanding is far greater.

I’m wondering if 50/50 is just better when the child is older and more able to cope and understand it

That's the best reply yet. My Son is approaching 13 and much more able to understand than a 2 year old.

Why should I be convinced? I don’t understand

Oh I see. I’m s sentencer

ExH and I split when DD was 8. Initially we did 50:50.
Monday - me
Tuesday/Wednesday -ExH
Thursday -me
Then alternate weekends.
When DD turned 10 she requested for me to become RP and go EOW to ExH.
At 12 she requested no overnights with ExH.
Now at 15 she has seen him three times in the last year totally her own choice.
As they get older the become more determined in the their own minds about how they want things to be.

I think 50/50 care can work well for older children. I've had this arrangement with my two boys (age 11 and 14) for around six months now and it's working well. They spend one week with me and one week with their Dad. It was their choice and although it wasn't my preference I had to respect their wishes.
For younger children I think there needs to be some thought around who has been the primary carer and that should be taken into account when agreeing the future arrangements to cause minimal disruption for the child. When the child is older they can then start to have a say on how much time they spend with each parent.
A sad fact of separation is that both parents have to accept that they will spend less time with the children and it's heartbreaking. But for me personally that was always going to better than them living in an environment of conflict and tension. The difficult part is accepting you're going to spend time apart from your children and turning your focus onto making a home for them with you which is calm, positive and full of love.
Having gone through this recently and come out the other side, my love and thoughts go out to everyone going through separation. You will get through it, and a happier, healthier life is waiting for you.

To those on this thread that are sharing care 50:50 what was the CMS position regards maintenance? Or did you just make your own arrangement? Seems to be different views as to whether or not Child Maintenance is payable if care is shared 50:50?

50:50 shared care with my ex was imposed on me by the courts; my sons were just 3 and 6 at the time. If it's exactly 50:50 CMS will not expect either party to pay anything. Explains why I'm still in a damp rented two bed over four years on while my ex is in a huge privately owned five bed with four bathrooms lol. Hope this helps?

To Ella1980

Sounds like you got a bad deal. If care is 50:50 how is the time split? Week with you and week with father or some other timescale?

There is no maintenance paid between us as the time split exactly 50/50.
Where there is a significant difference in earnings between the two parties there may be a case for spousal maintenance ( where the higher earners pays money each month to the lower earner) so that both parties are able to live to a suitable standard.

Yes, week on, week off. I hate it but then what I expected really from a ridiculously controlling ex. When I left I was teaching 3 hours a week so you can imagine how hard it was. Luckily I managed to increase my hours which helped but my youngest at the time was only 3. I left with literally just the clothes on my back and we relied on donations from a church to help us out with furniture etc for our private rental which we are still in in almost five years on. My lovely mum paid our deposit for us. It took me six months to be able to buy beds for the kids. Since leaving I have received exactly £0.00 from my ex in terms of maintenance. He earns £105000k+ and lives in luxury with an unemployed gf. He gets CB for one child (he applied for this knowing how poor we were) and I have a feeling still gets his CT discount as he claims gf still lives with parents. I now almost work full time on around £25k. I now do have a partner which helps, he works ft in social care and earns less than I do (around (£20k). We are not currently able to get a mortgage to buy bigger so four of us still in a two bed with mould on the walls and plaster falling off! So yes, I would say the court system has totally failed me and the boys. Still, every cloud...I'm no longer woken up at 2 am bring told to clean the oven!!!

To Ella1980

Did you apply for Spousal Maintenance. As ex earns a lot more than you might be worth a try.

CMS is need of review. Completely wrong that your ex does not pay child maintenance when his earnings are 4 times yours.

Aw thanks, missedtheboatagain. Barrister advised spousal maintenance could have been an option if I'd been still single, but not that I have my partner living with us. A lot of my ex's choices, including the 50:50 are simply because he didn't want to give me a penny. CMS categorically stated that as care is 50:50 (they do this 'nights away' calculation) that basically he owes me nothing; in essence, he could be a multi-millionaire and still have to pay nothing). My eldest is now 11 and still having to share a tiny bedroom with his brother while my ex buys designer handbags for his gf and is buying a GTR! I know I have to move on, but the unfairness of it all still infuriates me!

in essence, he could be a multi-millionaire and still have to pay nothing

This is where CMS fails. Does not sound right that even if care is split 50:50 both parents pay the same when one earns a lot more than the other.

There's two issues here, Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance. If care is split 50/50 then there is no Child Maintenance paid between the parties. If, when a couple splits and there has been a long relationship, there is a significant difference in the earnings, then there is a case for Spousal Maintenance.

The difference between the two (SM and CM) is that CM is payable till child reaches 18 at least. SM may only be payable till child reaches year seven at school based on the Lord Pitchford ruling in 2015 or reduced thereafter as by then mother's are expected to find work.

I work ft, salary about £25k pa mark. My partner also works ft on slightly less than me. Ex earns around £105k+ pa. I don't get a penny-nothing from CMS as 50:50 and no spousal maintenance as living with fiance. It's a joke IMO.

op my ex has the kids 3/7 days 2/3 weeks then 4/7 days on the other week, a 3 weeks rota around my work shifts. I do miss the kids and wish i saw them more but the kids really thrive from this arrangement. It allows me to work and not worry about child care and i have so much energy when i see. them.

my kids feel sorry for other kids who do the every other weekend thing and appreciate that exp and i share them. They often question if otherkids miss their dads commenting they would find that hard. Also we are still as close, of not closer as we love the. time together

don't see it as an instant negative

To Ella1980

When you say you are living with partner are you married? If so then even if Spousal Maintenance had been awarded it would stop on you marrying again.