50/50 custody

[31weeksgone]

How do people manage? Me and my partner are seperating. He’s insisting on 50/50 custody. My daughter is just about to turn 3.

My heart is pounding and I can’t sleep for crying. I haven’t ever left her for a night. I can’t bear the thought of spending half of the week away from my baby. Sorry if it sounds dramatic but I feel heartbroken

I think you have a good case to argue more than 50/50 in child's best interests as 70yr old Granny spritely as she may be is not the right environment for a lively 3 yr old beyond one eve a week or something. Just focus everything on what is right for DD

Op, I know it’s hard but you may find this solves itself over time.

Firstly, a 70 yo lady is most unlikely to want to spend 50% of her time looking after a toddler. She’ll be exhausted doing nursery run. At the first bout of flu/worms/headline/ d&v for either of them, the attraction will fade.

Secondly, your ex sounds like he’s doing this to hurt you if he isn’t actually going to be there. As soon as he finds himself a new woman, he’ll want to spend adult time and having a little one in tow will seriously cramp his style.

So get legal advice, stay calm and be prepared to flex. He may turn out to be a great 50% dad. On the other hand You may find it settles down in to a routine closer to EOW.

Your ex is doing this to hurt you, not in the best interest of the child. I would tell him no you want to arrange things legally and formally and allow a legal official to decide which arrangement is best.

Sorry to hear you’re in this situation, OP.

I also think the solution my appear over time. It’s posisble your DD might be ok with a 50:50 split (like some pps), but other young children would hate it. Until you try, you won’t know how your child will cope.

My friend was in exactly your position a couple of years ago and she and her ex have been struggling with 50:50 care. Now their DS is 4, it’s very obvious that a week with Dad then a week with Mum is too unsettling. The Dad has recently agreed to have his DS for 4 days a fortnight - so 10 days with Mum. The Dad would have never agreed to this at the start, but has realised that he can never get any work done in the weeks that he had his DS! He had also been relying too much on his elderly parents to help with childcare and I think it’s been getting too much for them.

Try to stay calm and rational in discussions (I know this will be hard!), but if you are both able to focus on your child, hopefully you’ll end up reaching the best arrangement for everyone. It may just take a bit of time.

I have difficulty seeing how the 50/50 arrangement is in the interests of the child particularly where one parent has been more actively engaged in all elements of the care of the child, arranged their work around them etc. How is it in their interests to have all that disrupted at what is naturally an upsetting time for them anyway? Of course it is of benefit to the child to have plenty of access and a full relationship with the NRP but that doesn't have to mean 50/50 in my opinion. How many children really go round working out the percentages anyway?

Thanks everyone

Anyone that claims more than 50/50 custody is essentially selfish especially where the other parent wants it.

Why is it selfish to consider the needs of the child above the feelings of entitlement of a parent who hasnt looked for 50/50 care of the child within the marriage?

And once again ss770640 I wasn’t saying I wanted to do that, just asking how people coped.

Does half of the mumsnet population just like to act insensitive for no real reason?

And it’s hardly selfish if a baby has only ever been with mum 90% of the time to resist going straight to 50/50. Can’t even say that’s in their best interests.

Jesus bloody Christ. Some days mumsnet just gets right on my nerves.

My SC's split their time 50:50, but the split was amicable and Mum lived nearby. Kids were 7 & 9. Initially they did this with 2/3 nights at each house and alternate w/e. So neither parent actually went long between seeing the kids and the kids knew each parent was nearby if they wanted to pop round and see them, or if they'd left something at the other house.
DH missed his kids all the time they were at their Mums. He got (sort of) used to it, once it's more settled and you know the kids are ok, there are some upsides - you have time to yourself for activities, meeting friends, etc.

Thanks beamur, it’s been a few weeks now and I’m slowly adapting to the idea. It’ll be ok 👍🏻

I dont really understand why people make the caveat "if the split was amicable".

Surely the basis of a future arrangement should be what went before in terms of childcare. Saying otherwise gives selfish people an incentive to not be amicable in order to gain an advantage in child arrangements.

In the context of my comment, amicable has meant that both parents were flexible and accommodating. Residency was settled without a court order and the arrangements for where the kids lived has been hopefully in their best interest.

My dgd is 2. Dad was always very hands on especially as mum worked full time and dad did shifts (not night shift). Parents have parted and childcare is 50/50 and is working very well.
3 days one week, 4 days alternate week. Both parents really missed dgc but they have got used to the routine and dgc is happy and contented. And surrounded by extended family when at either home.

It must be hard. I saw a solicitor before I decided to divorce as I would not have divorced if it meant I would not be with the children. As my teenagers would have chosen me (they asked me to divorce their father even) i was advised the younger ones would not be split off from them and I was pretty safe (we both worked full time).
In the end my ex chose not to have any of them even one night a year (quite difficult if you work full time as I did - but his choice and certainly easier than 50/50. Mind you teenagers often sometimes barely leave their bed room and grunt at you so I am not surely you see more of them if they live with you than if they don't!

Just because your the mum doesn't mean you own your child.

The child has a right to a dad. Regardless of your feelings.

And no he's not doing it to hurt you he wants 50/50 because he is his/her dad.

Get off your high horse.

DS spends 4 days per week with me and 3 with his dad. Monday and thursday generally with his dad and we alternate Friday/Saturday. We split when DS was under 2. I wouldn’t say it was an amicable split but we get on fine now and have a good relationship as co parents. DS (6) doesn’t seem to have been negatively affected in anyway and is a perfectly happy little boy who gets to spend lots of time with lots of people who love him.

I was very against this arrangement in the beginning but now I can honestly say I actually quite enjoy it! It really makes me enjoy the time I do spend with DS more - it has made me a better parent. Plus having free time to do whatever I please is quite nice .

It’s not for everyone but it works for our family. I hope everything works out well for you .

50/50 works perfectly fine so long as your both focused on kids.

You can't have your cake and eat it too if you want to leave

We do the same routine every week (unless we've changed due to holidays or something)
Mon/tue dads
Wed/thur/fri mums
Sat dads
Sunday mums

I miss my dc especially when they are away longer during holidays. But I work longer hours on my child free days and made myself financially stable and secure. Which benefits them as well as me. I get a minimum amount of CM and we share costs and have our own clothes and stuff in each house.
It can work fine. We live locally so that helps. Don't focus it on CB or even consider relying on it. Use the time to make your own money.

I have been offered a Job that works 28 days on and 28 days off. Leave cycle is generous as dangerous location. However, it allows more time with DS compared to my current overseas working.

I have suggested 50:50 as where I can live in the UK is not far from where DS currently lives with his mother and distance to school is same. Benefit for child is that he can see his friends from where he used to live. Plus as I am completely free for 4 weeks at a time I can take him to all his hobbies at weekends. Ex usually works one day at weekends so has less time.

Ex does not agree with the 50:50 as she thinks it is too much bouncing around. I disagree as time with myself would be 4 weeks continuous.

Missed how are you going to see your DC in the 28 days you’re on your job? It doesn’t seem the sort of family friendly job that works for a single parent. Perhaps your ex is resentful that you’re considering taking a job that involves you doing nothing for a month at a time, expecting her to pick up all the slack in that time.

OP, your DD is young for 50/50. I would ask advice on -
Keeping her in the same consistent childcare whilst you both work. His mum can have her at the times your mum would have her, but nursery should stay the same. It provides consistency for early years education and social learning.

Phasing up to 50/50 over a year or when she goes to school.

Son is12. He would live with me for 6 months of the year. I would take to school and back if weather makes walking unsuitable. Ex would not be required to do anything when son is with myself.

Think her real gripe is that she has been told that if shared care is 50:50 she will receive a lot less in child maintenance.

I split when my kids were 3 and 5 months old. Dad wanted 50 50 split. The arrangement we’ve had since I went back to work after mat leave (so the youngest would have been about 1 by then and the oldest 3) is
Sunday/ Monday - my house
Tuesday/Weds - his house
Thursday /Friday - my house
Saturday - flexible but often his house.
Sunday morning - again flexible but often they go swimming / cinema with him in the morning.

I don’t get on with my ex, in fact I hate him! But the arrangement seems to work.

The eldest never used to wAnt to go to his when she was 3/4 but all the guidance is that the parents should decide and not the children - and as long as he is not being violent/ abusive then there is no reason the kid shouldn’t see his dad.

The arrangement works well for all I think.

MTBA - so your child wouldn’t see his mother for 28 days straight? I do 50/50, I’m a huge advocate for shared parenting and no way would I agree to that.