50/50 custody

[31weeksgone]

How do people manage? Me and my partner are seperating. He’s insisting on 50/50 custody. My daughter is just about to turn 3.

My heart is pounding and I can’t sleep for crying. I haven’t ever left her for a night. I can’t bear the thought of spending half of the week away from my baby. Sorry if it sounds dramatic but I feel heartbroken

There are two issues here.

The first is that the OP says that she has never spent a night away from her DD. Thing is, regardless of what access arrangement they reach the OP is going to have to learn to spend nights away from her dd, most likely a night a week and every other weekend.

The second is whether 50/50 really is in the interests of the child, and tbh I think that it depends very much on the child and the circumstances. For some children it works, for others it doesn’t. When me and eXH first split we agreed 50/50 on the basis I had no intentions of ever withholding access to ds. DS would spend two nights a week and every other weekend at his dad’s, and even he said that he was glad we had done it that way.

However, as I wasn’t working at the time (I had given up work to bring up DS and had then started looking before we split) I would still pick up DS from school or he would come to me once he was going to/from school on his own, so I did still see him most days and then either eXH would pick him up on his way home from work or he would go there himself as he got older.

However, after eXH’s partner moved in DS was no longer comfortable going there for various reasons and the time he spent there gradually reduced to the point that he stopped staying there altogether around two years ago. But he’s a teenager now so it’s about what he wants rather than what the parents demand, iyswim.

EXH did want to do one week on and one week off but I put my foot down over that as I knew that DS would never want that,and he didn’t even when it was suggested.

But I do think that as the OP’s dd is so young the arrangement could work to start with and then change as she gets older. But don’t count on it iyswim. As teenagers mature they often do need a home base,but again it’s a very individual thing and depends from child to child.

MBTA A month with one parent and then a month with the other parent isn’t the best arrangement for any child. Not many parents would be happy to go for 28 days straight without seeing their child.

It doesn’t seem your ex is objecting to a 50/50 arrangement but to the pattern you propose. She might object less if you found a job local to your child and had him stay with you 3 nights a week or every other week.

People seem to have missed MTBA last few months of posting, he really won't see anything wrong with the arrangement. It's perfectly normal to waltz back in after a few years away with a parenting pattern akin to an oil rig shift worker

Oh. I haven’t been on this board for a while and have missed his interesting interpretation of a reasonable 50/50 split.

When I am out of the UK for 28 days I will not see child either. So what’s the difference?

Where in Law does it state that mothers have priority over fathers regards time with children?

Look forward to hearing an answer to that question.

MTBA it's not about mothers having priority it's about maintaining stability and as close to status quo as possible for the child.

If your child is used to living with his mum and seeing you when you're on leave then to change his life so he spends a month away from his mum every other month is a drastic change that is unlikely to be positive for him.
If you've missed out on seeing him because you've chosen a job that involves long periods away that's your choice. Your child and your ex are not responsible for your choices.

She was happy to leave child with grandparents during the 6 weeks school holidays while she returned to her native country. What’s the difference?

What's the difference between a once a year extended holiday with grandparents and spending every other month between each parent indefinitely? You can't work that out?

*When I am out of the UK for 28 days I will not see child either. So what’s the difference?

Where in Law does it state that mothers have priority over fathers regards time with children?*

Spectacularly missing the point.
The priority isn’t either parent - it’s the child.
You choose to work away for so long. You don’t have to. You could be more involved in your child’s life if you make the right choices. As I said, I’m a huge advocate for 50/50 arrangements - I don’t believe either parent should “get priority” - but neither is 28 days rotation remotely child focused. It’s only purpose is to give you what you want at the expense of the child’s needs.

I also don’t think leaving children for 6 weeks is particularly child focused. The more you post the more I feel sorry for your child.

Whatever you think of 50/50, the father in the OPs case travels for work and cannot offer 50 per cent. So the child will not benefit from seeing her father 50% of the time.
On that basis I would offer EOW and one evening a week and let him go to court if he wants more.
It is not fair on either the child or the grandmother to adopt the system he is proposing.

@Missillusioned

MTBA can offer 50/50.

1. It just isn't in the interests of the mother.

1. Who is to say that 28 days isn't in the interests of the child? Has anyone spoke to the child? Asked his/her opinion? No they haven't. Just because mum can't go more than a few days alone doesn't mean a child shouldn't see his dad.

50/50 can easily be done.

When @MissedTheBoatAgain is offshore, he pays the bills.

I suggest on his time onshore, that the time with children is all his, but a few days at mums house would provide stability.

Very easy to do. 28 days onshore they stay with him. And during that time they have say a weekend at mums. Simple.

An obvious point your missing is that during his days onshore, he is with them 100% of the time, unlike mum who is working 9-5.

A 60/40. So to speak.

Has anyone got experience with army pension sharing? How did you decide on what split to have.my stbxh does not want me to have any share.i have been asked by mediator to find out what it could be worth.we have the cetv.

Two bitter men unable to comprehend why such huge periods of time away from a parent isn’t ideal Good luck convincing a judge of that point of view.

Dad wouldn’t be there 100% if Child is in school. 60 bloody 40, ha

@Ss770640 I am not referring to MTBA, but the OP who is a different person.

However, I would suggest that if MTBA is concerned about seeing his child perhaps he should get a regular job where he is home every night and go for 50/50 on that basis.

What he pays or doesn't is irrelevant.

Op it sounds so hard for you. I agree that week on week off would be too much for a 2 year old.Some of the other patterns here seem more feasible so no more than 2 days between seeing you. It will be hard though.

Ex has made the following suggestion.

I have the child all day at weekends and school holidays up to a maximum of 51 nights per year. Once the 51 nights has happened the child must then be returned to his mothers house. When I am out the UK child stays with Grandparents at weekends and any school holidays whilst I am out of the UK.

Can anyone else work out why Ex does not want me to have child more than 51 nights, but to be with grandparents whenever I am not in the UK?

@MissedTheBoatAgain

CSA payments is one reason. She needs to ensure kids are with her most days of the year. More cash.

Another reason. Stays at grandmas are your quota. So she doesn't lose days.

Custody. More days with her gives her stronger custody rights in case of custody award via court.

To Ss770640

Limiting my time to 51 nights was a bit obvious as it results in no reduction in Child Maintenance. Maximizing the time child stays with grandparents means less inconvenience, but no reduction in Child Maintenance as time with grandparents is not taken into account by CMS.

Easy to work out the Agenda. Maximum maintenance in return for the least amount of time with child possible before maintenance is reduced.

My son was three when my husband and I separated, he does wed, thurs, Friday night and brings him home 5pm Saturday. It's been this way since our separation three years ago and works really well.

To BeingSunny

Well done. Sounds like you have sorted it sensibly.

@MissedTheBoatAgain

Contact is legally the right of the child not the parents.

Both your ideas are mad.

Firstly legally the only relationships that are of concern are the child's with the people who have parental responsibility. So no they cannot stay with grandparents the other times you should be having them as they don't have parental responsibility. It is not in your child's interests as it doesn't improve their relationships with either parent.

Secondly your proposal of 28 days on and 28 days off is mentally harmful to your child. Children need security which comes with consistently and not long gaps without seeing either parent. Get a normal job so you can do 1-3 nights in the week plus every other weekend.

Thirdly you are aware in the UK child maintenance and residency aren't completely linked? So you can be made to pay child maintenance to the other parent even if you truly have the child 50/50.

It is not in your child's interests as it doesn't improve their relationships with either parent

Child, aged 12, prefers to with Grandparents at the weekend rather than left alone locked inside his Mother's house or sitting in the reception area of hotel where his Mother works. Before you ask there is record of such events with both Police and Social Services.

Until Ex was told that time with grandparents does not reduce Child Maintenance she was determined that child should not see his Grandparents. Hence at weekends he was either locked in house or sitting in hotel reception for hours on end. Worst situation was being left with an unregistered child minder!

Secondly your proposal of 28 days on and 28 days off is mentally harmful to your child

So how do children who attend full time boarding Schools manage whilst their parents are overseas? eg father is working in the Armed Forces and moving around a lot with mother on married status?

My cousin's parents lived in Saudi Arabia and he attended boarding school from age of 12 to age 18. Did him no harm whatsoever. He now runs his own chiropody business.

There seems to be mixed views on what Child Maintenance is payable if share care is 50:50. However, ex has made it clear that if time child spends with myself reduces the Child Maintenance she receives it will not be allowed. Hence the reason she is happy for child to stay with grandparents at weekends and school holidays when I am out of the UK. She saves money as grandparents are looking after the child, but at same time there is no reduction in child maintenance. All very profitable for Ex.

When I am out of the UK for 28 days I will not see child either. So what’s the difference?

So how do children who attend full time boarding Schools manage whilst their parents are overseas? eg father is working in the Armed Forces and moving around a lot with mother on married status?

I wouldn't do either of these things. Your chiropodist relative might be OK but I've met a few people damaged by boarding school. And a month without seeing either parent doesn't strike me as stable or emotionally healthy. TBH the absolute best arrangement for a child is to see both parents regularly. Not month on-month off.

Now your ex might only be thinking of the money, but you don't exactly sound like you're only thinking of your child's best interests.

And a month without seeing either parent doesn't strike me as stable or emotionally healthy

Child has experienced that since the day he was born 12 years ago. I worked overseas and his mother left him with grandparents during the school holidays after family moved to UK while she visited her native country even when he was a young as 3.

Some children may react badly to boarding schools or not seeing both parents on a regular basis, but that does not say that it will affect all children. Indeed son has place of one of the top schools in his area and gets good school reports.

Indeed son has place of one of the top schools in his area and gets good school reports.

You keep mentioning jobs and academic success. You do realise that emotional health is not the same, right? Your son has been shown that both of you can happily go weeks without seeing him, from 3. Not a message I'd want mine to internalise.

I wouldn't make the choices that have been made for your son. And going forward, I would try to make better ones, so your son gets to spend regular time with both parents. Not because of law or money, but because you all want to.