I can't think...

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Dear mumsnetters, i need your help.

Bit of background (i am happy to give more details as needed): There were many times in my marriage i thought i was going insane and that lead to my first post but you darling mumsnetters reassured me i was not. I got to learn about gaslighting. And also that i was being abused. I still struggle to accept that even though rationally i know it is true. Verbal, Emotional, Psychological, Financial abuse. This makes it seem like i am angel...blameless but i have my faults.
I have wanted to leave for many years but have been too scared to.

In the last year, i have started speaking up but that just lead to an increase in frequency and an escalation in his behaviour - verbal insults, coming right up into my face screaming at me (even when i have our toddler in my arms), passive agressive behaviour, financial withdrawal (in some things).

A week ago, he got very angry. Two consecutive days..yelling in face of my face, knocking things about (i was carrying our youngest). The second day he got physical (squeezing my hand).I ran upstairs, thinking the presence of the kids will stop him. But no. I called the police. He was furious. He immediately turns to the kids tells them that by calling the police i am breaking up the family, destroying their home. He threatened to make me regret ever calling the police and that he would never let it go. It is not the first, second or third time he has threatened me.
Police came, he wasn't arrested but given a verbal caution. He blames me. He says my calling the police was 'pre-meditated'. He is really offended by what i have done to him. He has vowed to deal with me.

He has since then kept away from the home. He calls the kids, speaks with them. But no communication between us. Yesterday, he asked (via text) to have the kids overnight at the hotel he is staying at. He refuses to reply me when i ask (via text) how long he will be staying in hotels and that we need to talk so we know we are doing.

I work part time, i fall into that gap of earning just above the limit to qualify for benefits and not earning enough to look after my kids on my own, we live in rented accomodation. He is self-employed & very well paid. No joint accounts.

I want to leave. I know i have to leave. I am scared to let him know that, even though he is probably planning to leave me (as punishment). I want to file for a non-molestation order but i am scared to annoy him further. I want to file for it, so it can be out there that his treatment of me is not right. Something concrete so our kids know that it is not 'mummy is being mean and trying to destroy daddy'.

I am terrified of what he could be planning. Why is he not replying about what his intentions are? What are the possible scenarios?

From your experiences, please what should i be doing? Half of me feels i am underreacting but i feel scared to do anything more.. Half of me feels engaging a lawyer is overeacting. I can't seem to think clearly, i feel like i am swimming in quicksand. I feel lost and very alone.
What are your experiences about non-molestation orders?

If you have gotten to the end, i am really grateful. If you understood my rambling even more grateful. I feel paralysed, constantly tearful, there is a knot in my tummy and for some reason the connection to my brain has failed. Please, what should i be doing?

Please speak to Women's Aid, they will be able to help you emotionally and practically. They are fantastic. They can help with non-mol orders too

www.womensaid.org.uk/

The NCDV can also help with non-mol and I believe they have an emergency service too

www.ncdv.org.uk/

Good luck OP and keep safe x

No advice, but wishing you well
💐

What an awful situation. Call Women's Aid and do it quickly.
No one knows what he is planning but with him out of the house you can start gathering evidence if his income, getting all important documents together etc

I know the paralysis of knowing what to do in an awful marriage and being unable to do it. I hope you find the strength

Thank you.
I have moved important documents and emergency money (not a lot actually) to a safe place a couple of years ago.
I can't get any documents relating to his income, he doesn't keep them at home.

Are there any bank statements of his? Anything showing finances would be useful.

I can't think or eat or sleep for worrying. He is a very smart man. And can be quite spiteful.

I have always worried about leaving for many reasons...fear of all that he will throw my way being another. He hates it when he feels he can't control me. He always punishes me with something. He thinks i am strong, truth is i am all broken up inside and totally devoid of any self-confidence. When we got married i was strong, very confident, happycgo-lucky, adventurous. I must still give that impression because some family and a couple of friends are shocked i called the police, 'i t didn't need to go that far, all couples quarrel, it is nothing a bit of counselling won't sort out'.

We have had 3 different marriage counsellors over a 2 year period. The 1st two he refused to continue at some point because according to him they were taking my side. The 3rd one he choose..who proceeded to tell me he didn't consider me married because i had not changed my surname to my husband's and i needed to do that asap else my husband would continue to have issues with me because he needs to feel like or be the man of the house..can't remember exactly.
There have been so many instances of being ignored, disregarded, disrespected...i don't have a voice in my own home. Even in making decisions regarding my children.

Unfortunately, no. He gets them sent elsewhere.

No. His bank statements get sent elsewhere.

You have been so brave, and he may have tried to break you, but he hasn’t and you will get through this. But you need proper, specialist support and Women’s Aid is a brilliant place to start.

You are right to be worried. HE is not going to want you to go, and he is not going to make it easy. But he isn’t as smart as he thinks he is - his behaviour and reactions are predictable and (sadly) common. A domestic abuse worker will be able to help and support you and your children.

My advice is to go back to the Police being as he has had a caution. See if they can make a full on case against him for domestic abuse.coercion etc. That would make the way forward much easier but in your shoes I would be filing for divorce right now- today. Let the chips fall where they may. Anything is better than living this half life but with the Police in the background the divorce should go though and you should get what you are due. Get a non mol and the whole works.

That third counsellor doesn't sound like a professional. More like the sort of marriage counselling you get at church!

What you have described will make you feel like you are going mad and I know you feel broken inside bug you have to be strong for this final push. It will be difficult but just focus on the freedom and peace of mind you will have afterwards. That will see you through

I have always worried about leaving for many reasons...fear of all that he will throw my way being another. He hates it when he feels he can't control me. He always punishes me with something. He thinks i am strong, truth is i am all broken up inside and totally devoid of any self-confidence. When we got married i was strong, very confident, happycgo-lucky, adventurous. I must still give that impression because some family and a couple of friends are shocked i called the police, 'i t didn't need to go that far, all couples quarrel, it is nothing a bit of counselling won't sort out

Counselling will not sort this out. You cannot fix him by putting up with the behaviour in the hopes that he will have a lightbulb moment and suddenly realise that he is abusive, not just to you but your children. Who in their right mind would tell their children that by calling the police i am breaking up the family, destroying their home.?

However, you can help yourself. If you can, I would get a non-mol order in place. You are scared and I really do understand this. It doesn't matter that other people think you are over reacting. They don't have to live with it. They have not been damaged by this. You have. Everybody has a right to feel safe in their own home and this is what you need right now.

Moving forward, you need to start taking care of yourself physically. Your Seratonin is probably very low because you are anxious. Tell your GP and get some help (I take Sertraline and it takes the edge of it). You need to be able to make decisions with a head clear of anxiety. Also try to increase potassium (bananas!) in your diet.

I am 10 months post separation with somebody who is very similar to your H. It does get better but it's a long hard road and you need to prepare yourself mentally and physically.

Work on re-discovering the person you used to be. She will come back very gradually and this will help. Counselling will help you, if you can get it, but you need to be counselled by somebody who understands the long terms effects of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

Google "gray rock". Understanding this process will also help you and help you feel more in control.

BTW, gaslighting became a criminal offence in 2015. It's almost impossible to prove though, but it will validate your reaction and help you to realise that you are not over reacting.

Gosh I am so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

I don't think you are over reacting at all by calling the police, you felt scared and did the right thing. And of course it doesn't hurt to have that on police record too!

He is a bully and definitely wants to be alpha male and you the little women whom is expected to put up with his appalling behaviour. This is all behaviour your children will pick up on and think it's ok to treat women like that. It is never acceptable.

Also the fact you were stashing secret money aside shows you knew deep down he wasn't right for you, please trust those instincts and don't waste any tine for the sake of your children.

He doesn't have his bank statements sent to your house?! Why ever not. That is massively concerning. In terms of paperwork and legal stuff take copies of whatever you can and like the others have suggested call the support groups that are available.

Be strong. I wish you well, and while I know it doesn't feel like it now. But one day, you will be happy with a man who will treat you as his equal, with love and respect. X

Also keep copies of text messages and make notes of his behaviour with dates, time, places, who else was there. Have as much info as possible.

Thank you ree and juggling. Thank-you so much everyone who has responded. I thought filing for a non-mol order would be mean of me...even though it doesn't seem to have any negative impact ..it is just to warn that person not to behave inappropriately. Or is that wrong?
It is good to know i would not be overreacting.
He never accepts his behaviour towards me. He denies it, says i am making it up and then tells me i am sensitive.

He brought the kids back this morning.
I have been busy organising breakfast, lunch, their activities etc.
I have now had one of his family text me 'what is happening? Please, call me'.
Once i get a few minutes without the kids in earshot, i would call him.

The family relative called and wanted to find out why i called the police plus what 'they' (i.e he on behalf of my husband) could do to make amends and get us back together. STBXH🤞 has no idea an offer of making amends on his behalf are being made. The theme/insinuation from his family is i have hurt STBXH by calling the police and i am now no longer part of the family. He said quite a few things that lead me to believe that STBXH has been going to rheir house and talking quite negatively about me over the years.

STBXH has been in the house all day, really narked if i speak to him (it is questions that involve the kids), he can barely bring himself to reply. He is mightily offended. He still has not offered an apology or even tried to discuss.

I have tried to eat today but have only managed to drink. I start long day shifts tomorrow and all i can think is that i want the Non-mol order filed asap. I am going to have to find a way to make it work.

I also got a notification today that someone tried to hack in to my emails this afternoon. I am pretty sure he doesn't have my passwords...could it be a co-incidence? IP address is in Argentina. His occupation is IT.

He has just come to tell me he is leaving and would be back tomorrow evening to see the kids.

Make sure you leave your key in the door so that he can't come wandering in when you're there. If he works in IT I wouldn't put it past him to try and hack your emails. Keep safe.

I'm sorry to say that some of the things you are writing are so very familiar to me. There is a pattern of behaviour which seems to be replicated in these types of relationships. My MIL of 25 years will no longer speak to me. I am sad to say that by the time she cut me off, I had become used to it and was already expecting it. I have also learnt that there is no point trying to argue the point because if they feel strongly enough to tell you what he's said, they already believe him. You have to chalk this up to experience. I'm so sorry.

I did defend myself to my own SOL with regard to allegations he made against me, once I had filed for divorce. I chose unreasonable behaviour and whilst I had a lot to choose from, I tried to pick the least inflammatory reasons so as not to poke the wasps nest with a stick. Except for when he beat my dog. I put that in because I am still so disgusted by it. Of course, I am now to be punished for calling him out and he has tried his hardest to continue to control me and make me out to be the abuser.

Thankfully, I have all my ducks in a row and so far have been able to easily disprove the things he has accused me of, so he's just making himself look silly.

You need to get your ducks in a row too. It's really hard not to fight back, especially at the injustice of it. I find it helps to be proactive and prepare, prepare, prepare. Do not give him any ammunition to use against you. These kinds of people always trip themselves up eventually. You just need to hold your head high, be child focused and show the world the kind and caring person that you really are. Let him go round on the drama circle on his own. Eventually he'll meet himself coming back!

Sorry, not meaning to waffle on here. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Hope you're having a better day? If he works in IT he will most certainly be able to hack into your emails. Can you create a new email account and keep that for private stuff while you deal with separation / divorce stuff.

One of my friends ex bf's hacked into her Hotmail account and he worked in IT too. It does happen!

The IP address may be because his company is registered in Argentina? Not really sure how that works but change your password to something very difficult.

Or get yourself a new email address and don't tell it to anyone remotely connected to him.

Thank you juggling. So sorry to hear about your dog. Is it alright now? I really hope it is alright. You are 10 months post separation, i can only think how strong you must be. Thank you for your messages...not rambling at all. It is really so helpful and comforting.

ree and ferrier many thanks. I changed my password but still didn't feel it was secure. I went with your advice and got a new email address.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my posts and also offer advice & support. I find strength in your messages.

I have spent the night searching for a more affordable place to rent. There is none...unless i move out of area. Means changing schools, leaving whatever support network i have.
I feel less courage in getting ready to leave. Even more scared now to file a non-mol order because i know that would make him more angry.
Maybe he is just staying away from the home to make a point/punish me and his refusing to reply when i ask to talk so we can know what the plans are, are just mind games. Maybe he will be back and i could manage as i have been doing for the last 10yrs.

I really should be dressed and ready to leave for work now. I am so tired. I feel dazed. Surely, there's got to be a way. I really need to leave this marriage. For myself. For my kids. And even for their father.