I can't think...

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Dear mumsnetters, i need your help.

Bit of background (i am happy to give more details as needed): There were many times in my marriage i thought i was going insane and that lead to my first post but you darling mumsnetters reassured me i was not. I got to learn about gaslighting. And also that i was being abused. I still struggle to accept that even though rationally i know it is true. Verbal, Emotional, Psychological, Financial abuse. This makes it seem like i am angel...blameless but i have my faults.
I have wanted to leave for many years but have been too scared to.

In the last year, i have started speaking up but that just lead to an increase in frequency and an escalation in his behaviour - verbal insults, coming right up into my face screaming at me (even when i have our toddler in my arms), passive agressive behaviour, financial withdrawal (in some things).

A week ago, he got very angry. Two consecutive days..yelling in face of my face, knocking things about (i was carrying our youngest). The second day he got physical (squeezing my hand).I ran upstairs, thinking the presence of the kids will stop him. But no. I called the police. He was furious. He immediately turns to the kids tells them that by calling the police i am breaking up the family, destroying their home. He threatened to make me regret ever calling the police and that he would never let it go. It is not the first, second or third time he has threatened me.
Police came, he wasn't arrested but given a verbal caution. He blames me. He says my calling the police was 'pre-meditated'. He is really offended by what i have done to him. He has vowed to deal with me.

He has since then kept away from the home. He calls the kids, speaks with them. But no communication between us. Yesterday, he asked (via text) to have the kids overnight at the hotel he is staying at. He refuses to reply me when i ask (via text) how long he will be staying in hotels and that we need to talk so we know we are doing.

I work part time, i fall into that gap of earning just above the limit to qualify for benefits and not earning enough to look after my kids on my own, we live in rented accomodation. He is self-employed & very well paid. No joint accounts.

I want to leave. I know i have to leave. I am scared to let him know that, even though he is probably planning to leave me (as punishment). I want to file for a non-molestation order but i am scared to annoy him further. I want to file for it, so it can be out there that his treatment of me is not right. Something concrete so our kids know that it is not 'mummy is being mean and trying to destroy daddy'.

I am terrified of what he could be planning. Why is he not replying about what his intentions are? What are the possible scenarios?

From your experiences, please what should i be doing? Half of me feels i am underreacting but i feel scared to do anything more.. Half of me feels engaging a lawyer is overeacting. I can't seem to think clearly, i feel like i am swimming in quicksand. I feel lost and very alone.
What are your experiences about non-molestation orders?

If you have gotten to the end, i am really grateful. If you understood my rambling even more grateful. I feel paralysed, constantly tearful, there is a knot in my tummy and for some reason the connection to my brain has failed. Please, what should i be doing?

Maybe he will be back and i could manage as i have been doing for the last 10yrs.

But you won't manage. You are not managing right now.
Your soul is tired and wants to be out of there. Do what feels right. It will be incredible hard but freedom doesn't come cheap in these situations.

You need to be strong. Check what your options are with benefits. You might qualify for housing benefit as a single mum.

Hugs. Its a scary road but you ate stronger than you think. You will be fine.

You can't waste more years of your life with him! It won't be easy now or years down the line either.

Stop messaging him asking to talk, just leave him be. Don't chase him, his ego is already over inflated as it is.

Have you called the support groups and see what is available to you?

Sorry you didn't sleep well, get a large cup of coffee and carry on with the rest of your day the best you can.

I hope you have a better day!

Sounds so hard - hope Women’s Aid can help

Plan but also just get through one day at a time. You will get stronger gradually. You will get there. Well done for making the first steps. Must have taken courage to ring the police. He must have charmed his family. Dont give them a second thought. No one except the people directly in the situation know whats truely happening. As for yr dcs dont worry they will definitely see him for what he is. If not now then later. Dcs are more tuned in than you think. Just carry on being a good mum. Take care.. Dont expect an easy ride but it will be better than the life you have had with him. Hes probably pissed off that yr not taking his shit anymore. Although you dont seem to feel it you have turned the tables. You have started to take back control. As the mum you have more power as a parent- legally and emotionally ( dcs almost always want to be with their mum and realise who takes care of them the most). Hes lost his power. Take hold of yr power. Continue to get stronger for you and yr dcs. We're all here for you standing with you like a protective invisible cape. Head up and strive forward.

..........and i could manage as i have been doing for the last 10yrs

I used to think that too.

Maybe if I did this thing, it will be better.

No.

Maybe if we went to counselling it will be better.

No

Maybe if I can just ignore the way he devalues me, lies, hides money, behaves aggressively to children and myself, makes me feel invisible, it will be OK.

No.

10 years is enough. I put up with it for 30 years and at my first post separation counselling session, my counsellor described me as 95% broken. Now he says I'm about 75% broken. It's a long road to recovery. You should not have to live like this. It is a toxic situation.

On to practical things then.....

Why do you think you should leave? Is the tenancy in joint names? If so, you have a right to stay there.

Does he pay towards the costs of living? Do you have any idea what he earns? If you separate, you will be entitled to CMS. Use the online CMS calculator and see what you would be entitled to from him. If he refuses to pay towards his childrens wellbeing, put it in their hands and let them deal with it for you. As he is self employed he will have filed taxed returns and I'm wondering if CMS are allowed to talk to HMRC to discover his annual income.

Try to stop asking him what's happening/what's going to happen. You are giving him what he wants (that's why he is refusing to answer your questions). If he does not want to engage, that's not your problem. Make notes of what you've asked him, when you asked him, and his refusal to discuss it. You've tried, now stop. Try to get your head in a place where it's just you and the kids, and concentrate on them (and yourself).

Try to speak to womens aid. Make sure you mention the fact that he has his financial information sent somewhere else (how long has he been doing that?!). Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership where you work together for the good of the whole family. There appears to be very little equality here.....and lots of big red flags.

If you can approach these things from a practical point of view, it will make you feel that you have a little more control over your life and those of your children.

In my opinion, allowing this relationship to continue in the same way you say it has been for years is going to have a detrimental effect on your children and teach them that all relationships are like this and women just have to suck it up.

It's hard. It's scary. But, you deserve some peace and happiness.

My current mantra is "I would rather be alone and at peace, than with somebody and abused" It works for me.

Thank you, everyone, for your support. I really appreciate it. I think i can say, i also really need it.
Sorry for not replying earlier. It gets crazy non-stop at work, no time to grab a bite and afterwards you are just dead tired. Yesterday, was so busy, a lot of the team of my shift stayed well over an hour beyond our time. I left work at 11:20pm.

Up again for another long day shift. I tried eating last night on getting back, managed a couple of spoons of cereal. Still have a tight knot in my stomach.

I was constantly on the verge of tears yesterday. The world just keeps turning. It felt odd..i don't know why i expect everything to stop, why i expect everything to be failing to work.
I feel surreal..like i am unable to plug in to in real life.

juggling how are you doing today? I keep thinking of what your psychotherapist said about you now being less broken than when you started. It is encouraging to read that. I wish you continued strength.

That is a major worry for me that my kids will think it is okay to be treated like this by a partner, by a friend or anyone.
I also feel a need to stand up for myself. STBXH has always denied his actions, or said I am being sensitive or said it is because I do the same to him! And i do not do the same to him. Honest.
The one time I decided to be bold, in the midst of him yelling at me telling me i do not have a right to ask him what happened that made him bring the kids back home late on a sunday night before a school morning, i asked him if he was alright in the head? My Lord! He lost it and asked me to repeat it. He was so furious, he didn't speak to me for weeks. He also stopped wating at home from mid november to the 2nd week of Jan 2018! That was meant to be a punishment to me.
That really upset me. I felt so stupid. I wondered if a question could get that reaction from him, what would happen if i were to call him stupid woman, worthless, a fool, a waste of space, selfish woman, selfish mother, lacking in morals, a bad mother - all the things he has called me. What would happen?
What would happen if i were to threaten to make him regret ever meeting me whenever i didn't want him to do something? What would happen?
I felt so stupid..so sad and dissappointed with myself. I felt so worthless. He has done all these...and done them often and alot of them with him in my personal space..right up in my face yelling..and I have stayed!

The school called yesterday. I got a few missed calls, the asst. head wants to have a chat. I don't know what it is about. My daughter said she found herself crying for no reason at school during lessons. She said teacher didn't notice. And she didn't tell the asst. head.
I have informed work.
When she got back from staying with her dad at the hotel on sunday morning, she was withdrawn and very sad. It took a few hours to get her back to her chatty self.
I don't know if it is all connected.

I have been spending a lot of time reassuring her and telling her it is okay to talk about what's happening and to ask questions.
The kids are all a bit unsettled with things and all showing it in different ways.

Hi,

Gosh I can really relate to what you are saying here from a previous brief relationship.

I once called him a fool in a joking way and he went berserk at me! During that short relationship I lost my confidence, was depressed and was crying all the time. I had changed so much in a short space of time that I can't imagine how much you would have changed.

For a long time I hated myself for putting myself in that situation it seemed like I had no pride in myself. However the problem all lay with him it wasn't me. He never thought his behaviour was unreasonable and in fact manipulated situations that led me to think it was my fault the way he was with me. I tried to change for him but in the end lost myself. It was a low point. The best thing I did was leave him as SO much good has come out of it that I would never had experienced whilst with.

Escape now while you still have your sanity, it will be hard but my goodness you will be so much happier in the long term x

Oh ree ! This is it. You have described my situation. I tried to change...i tried really hard. I lost myself. I am still fighting to get me back again. There are still many many days I think 'what would he think of this?' and then I end up changing my mind because i feel he would not approve and would use it as a stick to beat me. Because he is so good at convincing me that i am not normal, that i have massive problems, that my family and friends don't like me. It is hard to get that out of your head.
I am crying now again..reading your post. You put it so aptly.
I am so happy that you are better now and out of that situation.
I want to be too. I want to be able to have peace of mind..in my home, in my life about myself.
Have a lovely day. Thank you.

Big hugs, you're stronger than you think and you can do this. X

We are stronger than we think we are, but it's very hard to believe it sometimes. I have had a couple of tough days at work. Under normal circumstances I would cope with this, but with personal issues preying on my mind, even getting through a work day is tough.

I am constantly torn between running away and hiding in a cardboard box somewhere, without a care in the world, and brazening it out because I know I deserve more from my life and my hard work.

I fail to understand how somebody could claim to love me and yet could treat me (and our children) like we don't matter. I'm having a low day. Ignore me.

Awww Juggling (((hugggsss))).
I can relate to that...when you are feeling low the usually manageable things at work become difficult to handle.
It is very difficult and i am still there myself but if it is possible, try not to understand how he could behave the way he does. It is draining and you still end up baffled. Leave his thinking to his own mind. Try and keep your convictions in the forefront of your own mind and keep repeating it.
Regarding the way you are feeling, say to yourself 'this too shall pass'.
You must be sleeping now (i hope you are), i hope when you wake up you feel so much better.

It has been a roller-coaster of emotions so far.
Social services are now involved. They would be coming out to asses the risk to the children.
I am tearful all the time. Trying to keep on with work and keep the children laughing and feeling safe.
Their father has said i planned to to call the police on him, i want to get between him and his children. He denies he has been abusive to me instead i am abusing the system. He does not see the effect of his behaviour on our children, on me on our marriage.
He is still furious and can't stand to talk to me. He has said he is going to see a lawyer to protect his interest.
By calling the police, he says i am saying i want out of the marriage. And that the love has gone.
Yes, i am all to blame.
He has not done anything wrong.
He has bullied, intimidated me and abused me for years and i still can't stand firm and tell him that to his face. I tried to tell him the effect of his behaviour on me and how it has made me so frightened of him but he kept shaking his head saying, 'nope nope...you are making stuff up to justify your actions'.
He said, 'i don't feel safe coming in to the house because i feel like you can call the police on me anytime for anything'.
Another of his arguments was if he has been scaring me, why haven't i been calling the police for all the other times he 'scared' me.
I don't know why i want him to admit to his abuse of me. Why do his opinions still matter to me?
I am so weak and stressed. Still struggling with eating and sleeping.
I keep worrying about the finances and i keep worrying about the battle it is going to be with him. I keep worrying about social services who want me to keep him away from the children or ensure all his visits are supervised until their assesment. He was mad to hear that and said he won't be kept from his children.
Personally, i think right now, the children need to see him and need him to show them that he loves them. They need as much normality around them. Good normality. So far, i have always been present when he comes to see them..that should satisfy soc serv. I hope.
I feel that as parents we have broken their trust in us. They are worried and unsettled. And also a bit scared of what all this might mean. So they really need both of us giving them assurances and live right now. They need to know no matter what's going on between Daddy and Mummy we both love them and would make sure they are fine.
After Social services visit, i am trusting that goes well, i have to start seriously taking the next step of my life in my hands.
He has not been sleeping in the house. He comes and goes as he pleases without a word to me. So i have taken to putting the latch in so i know when he cones in...i am always on my guard when he is around. Today to be honest, a little less so. He said, 'hello' when he came in so i knew i was not going to be getting any stress..nastiness from him.

Oh I’m so sorry - I don’t have any advice just hang in there. You said yourself, this too shall pass. Have you seen a lawyer?

If the police and SS are involved theyw ill do their work. You might want to consider serving a divorce petition and an application for maintenance pending suit which is basically the higher earner paying the lower earner and the children some money util a final divorce hearing decides who gets what financially.

You rent property and you are married. Does either of you have a lot of savings or any savings and does either of you have a private pension or are there just about now assets and it is simply that your husband has quite a high income? Does he operate througha limited company? If so you can go on companies house website and look at some of the data on there.

You could send him or his family a short 5 point note along the lines of you have decided to divorce, you would prefer it to be amicable but you will be issuing the petition in the next couple of weeks; that you think the following is reasonable spousal and child maintenance and make a proposal of what he should pay; that you will stay in the rented house; and then suggest a reasonable amount of contact for him with the children.

If he is from abroad you might want to consider if he might take the children abroad and do check if they have passports that you know where they are.

Have you taken legal advice ? He still has all the control, you need to start taking it back. Tell SS he is insisting he sees the kids regardless of what they say.

sohardtochoose thank you. Appreciate it.

xenia thank you so much for your post. I don't have a lot of savings. I don't know how much savings he has but he has been house viewing and looking to invest in other countries.
Thank you for the info re: companies house.
Your post filled me with some mental stress...it somehow managed to penetrate my frozen...scared stiff state. I am so grateful. Thank-you.

• filled me with mental strength

notapizzaeater you are right, he still has all the power. But i am coming to realise that i am giving him that power. I have some power too.

Now, i just need to shake off the emotion...i feel so scared of doing something to set him that will make him want to get back at me. He can be pretty hard hearted and spiteful. Friends and family are warning me about this side to him. I knew this about him but it is reassuring to hear others warn me about this, so shows i am not unduly paranoid.
I am also struggling with feelings. I feel embarrassed to say it..in spite of everything, i am still in love with him. So i am unable to do things i should do e.g non-mol order, PSO (he has threatened a couple of times to take the kids away from me in the past). It makes me feel like i am hurting him. I am really struggling with this.

I have been to see a solicitor last night. A lot of things the solicitor said very similar to Xenia's post.
Thank you once again, Xenia.

Social services are coming to asses today.
I feel anxious. I have no idea why. I feel like i have let my DC down. SS have been reassuring and have re-iterated the 'just want to help/support' element but i feel like i can't breathe whenever i remember they are coming.