I can't think...

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Dear mumsnetters, i need your help.

Bit of background (i am happy to give more details as needed): There were many times in my marriage i thought i was going insane and that lead to my first post but you darling mumsnetters reassured me i was not. I got to learn about gaslighting. And also that i was being abused. I still struggle to accept that even though rationally i know it is true. Verbal, Emotional, Psychological, Financial abuse. This makes it seem like i am angel...blameless but i have my faults.
I have wanted to leave for many years but have been too scared to.

In the last year, i have started speaking up but that just lead to an increase in frequency and an escalation in his behaviour - verbal insults, coming right up into my face screaming at me (even when i have our toddler in my arms), passive agressive behaviour, financial withdrawal (in some things).

A week ago, he got very angry. Two consecutive days..yelling in face of my face, knocking things about (i was carrying our youngest). The second day he got physical (squeezing my hand).I ran upstairs, thinking the presence of the kids will stop him. But no. I called the police. He was furious. He immediately turns to the kids tells them that by calling the police i am breaking up the family, destroying their home. He threatened to make me regret ever calling the police and that he would never let it go. It is not the first, second or third time he has threatened me.
Police came, he wasn't arrested but given a verbal caution. He blames me. He says my calling the police was 'pre-meditated'. He is really offended by what i have done to him. He has vowed to deal with me.

He has since then kept away from the home. He calls the kids, speaks with them. But no communication between us. Yesterday, he asked (via text) to have the kids overnight at the hotel he is staying at. He refuses to reply me when i ask (via text) how long he will be staying in hotels and that we need to talk so we know we are doing.

I work part time, i fall into that gap of earning just above the limit to qualify for benefits and not earning enough to look after my kids on my own, we live in rented accomodation. He is self-employed & very well paid. No joint accounts.

I want to leave. I know i have to leave. I am scared to let him know that, even though he is probably planning to leave me (as punishment). I want to file for a non-molestation order but i am scared to annoy him further. I want to file for it, so it can be out there that his treatment of me is not right. Something concrete so our kids know that it is not 'mummy is being mean and trying to destroy daddy'.

I am terrified of what he could be planning. Why is he not replying about what his intentions are? What are the possible scenarios?

From your experiences, please what should i be doing? Half of me feels i am underreacting but i feel scared to do anything more.. Half of me feels engaging a lawyer is overeacting. I can't seem to think clearly, i feel like i am swimming in quicksand. I feel lost and very alone.
What are your experiences about non-molestation orders?

If you have gotten to the end, i am really grateful. If you understood my rambling even more grateful. I feel paralysed, constantly tearful, there is a knot in my tummy and for some reason the connection to my brain has failed. Please, what should i be doing?

STBXH has said he will find a place to rent nearby. I asked what about our current (rented) house we are in and he kind of insinuated he will be maintaining the two. I asked him for how long this will go on and he said he doesn't know maybe 2 months.
I have longed to have peace of mind in my home. To not be stressed and tense in my home and when occassions (xmas, birthdays, anniversaries, family events) are approaching.
I get the impression he will rent nearby and expects to still have the keys to our current home and come and go as he pleases.
I am not keen on that arrangement at all.
Ideally i would like to find a new place that does not have his presence and build fresh memories.
Let me get through the SS assesment.
Then i am really hoping..i am desparate to be out of this frozen state. This state of inertia. Get rid of all this emotion and do what i should without feeling guilty..without feeling like i am hurting him. Without feeling like i am destroying my DC lives.
He has been horrible to me the entire length of our marriage..there have been good times but i have...we have generally been unhappy. I have been very unhappy. We never got to be close.
He has insulted me throughout our marriage, witheld sex & intimacy for years (we are talking 6yrs..then 3yrs) till i learn to behave properly, made me beg for money & still witheld it because i would not do as he says, he has threatened me each time he does not get his way, he has intimidated me, turned family against me or they (i mean his mum) turned him against me, he has convinced me that i am not normal that i have issues because i wasn't the subservient wife...and still i love him. Why?
Why am i so sad? So broken. I am unable to do anything. Why am i frozen instead of running and not looking back?
I look at my DC and i am crying...so tearful all the time.
I feel such a massive failure.

So sorry for the long posts.
I feel scared to wake up every morning. Not that i am getting much sleep. And i find a lot of love and support from you all, so i find myself baring my soul to you. Very lengthy baring of the soul..

Huge hugs @Itistimeandiamscared. You said in one of your posts that you are weak. You may feel that, and I'm not surprised he has that effect on you, but I see strength in all that you are doing.
I'm glad you have seen a solicitor. Do not agree to anything this man suggests (having a key to your house etc). You don't have to respond when he suggests these things, he'll just get aggressive if you disagree with him face to face, just say that you'll talk to your solicitor about the details.

Good luck, you are going the right way, you will get through this.

PS he will never accept this is his fault, he has his fingers in his ears. I really recommend reading Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" at some point when you have a bit of space.

Big hugs to you and well done for being so brave by going to the solicitor.

I've been thinking of you so glad you posted.

Things will get better, just stick to your guns and be strong. You've received some really good advice and know that you're not alone in this.

You're being a great role model to your children as well as other women who may be reading this going through something similar.

Stay strong x

SS have been and gone. Seemed okay. Interviewed all the kids separately.
SS was satisfied the kids are safe with me.
STBXH just turned up shortly after the SS left.
I am getting a bit fed up of his coming and going whenever he pleases. He may not turn up for days but he wouldn't let me know that he is not coming to see the kids. He doesn't tell me when he would be coming or when he can't make it to see the kids.
He communicates with the children through the childminder (phone) even when he knows i am home.
I think my next step is to address the living situation..i don't want him coming and going (in my home) as he pleases.
My options are get my own place (none suitable available right now) or staying here till the lease is up in Feb (he is paying the rent) or wait till he gets his place and request for the the keys to this place.
I don't know how it will play out but i am struggling to manage his coming and going as he pleases without any bother to communicate with me.

Thank you, ree.
Yes, i have received very very good advice. I really appreciate it. I am so grateful for everyone that has posted. So grateful.

So it's been almost a month and i feel like i am in limbo.
He has withdrawn all financial input into the family but won't say what his intentions are. He comes and goes as he pleases (still has key to the house) to see the kids. He does not let me know when he can make it to see the kids and when he can't. So i have no answer for the kids when they ask when is daddy coming.

I have given him a chance to communicate, for us to sort out a plan but he is still aggrieved and punishing me by not communicating.
So i am going to have to start the process.
DH name is on the tenancy so will have to get an occupational order and i worry about his reaction, so a non-mol too. Then i can get the tenancy in my name and start applying for CMS and what help i can get.

I met with my solicitor a couple of weeks back and yesterday i received a detailed outlay of our discussion, the advice given and costs.
The costs are alot. I really like the solicitor but if this drags out as i think it will, the costs would be unmanageable.
I need to keep costs down. I have had great advice on here and will start the process by messaging him suggestions for contact with the children and maintainance till things are formalised. But i think he will ignore it as he has been doing with any message to do with 'us' or money.
How do i get to mediation with someone who won't communicate with me?
Also, how do i get him to financially contribute till things are formalised?

OP I have no practical advice really, are you entitled to legal aid? I have no idea how that works.

He is really working hard at inconveniencing you and making things difficult isn't he? And yet here you are, doing it, moving forward, heading toward your new life.

It may not feel like it now, but in the long run, the fact that he thinks the world revolves around him and that he's so hell bent on making things difficult for you will come back to haunt him. A judge will not take kindly to someone deliberately delaying things and messing things around, and children will look back on this and see him for who he is. They must be very confused by him, but that allows you to be the stable consistent parent they need.

Keep going, you've got this

I want to leave. I know i have to leave

Get things started as soon as you can. Use unreasonable grounds to Divorce him. Sounds like you have sufficient examples.

Get the housing situation sorted first. You say it is rented, but who is on the tenancy agreement as being responsible for paying? If it's your husband that's good as he will have to continue to pay unless he terminates the agreement. If in joint name then you are both responsible even if the other does not pay their share.

Being just above the limit for benefits is not helpful, but if he ran off do you not need to spend more of your time to look after children? ie you might have valid reason to reduce your hours and may qualify for benefits? Give it some thought.

Self Employed can be difficult for CMS to calculate child maintenance as those who work cash in hand can easily under declare what they earn and may not even put all money they receive into a bank to make it untraceable?.

Hopefully you do not need to go down the Court route as that can be hugely expensive, but if it happened he would be required to produce at least 12 months on Bank Statements maybe more if Courts consider necessary.

Once you have filed the Divorce petition you should seek advice from a solicitor about an MPS (Maintenance Pending Suit). This would ensure that he gives you enough for yourself and children to get by until finances are either resolved between yourselves or by Court Order.

Sounds like this man was never real. No joint accounts and bank statements being sent elsewhere should have rang alarm bells even without the abuse and angry behaviour.

Feel free to post and ask questions as I am sure many on MN have been down similar roads before.

Good luck

Don't unerstand what's happening with me. I thought i was done with the crying but yesterevening and today i have struggled. I am constantly on the brink of tears. I am now sat in my car crying...crying. I feel so tired..i dread mornings. I feel so unable to cope.
Today, I requested a change of our tenancy to my name only.

Thank you, Tiddleypops and missedtheboat .

Isit you are having a reaction to everything you have been through. It's normal. You have been so strong ans sensible through the tough times. If you feel you can't handle it alone, call the Samaritans just so you can have a listening ear.

There'll be good times and bad times to come, and as time goes on, the good will come to outnumber the bad. You've got this.

Oh love. You are doing so well. Be kind to yourself. You are in shock and still battling through the days. I used to dread the mornings, the hope of a new day that blackens over within seconds as you realise the reality.

There are good times ahead, less stress and peace. You just have to keep going, one day at a time, one decision at a time, one cup of tea/glass of wine at a time.

You need to call up friends and family and start to build a support network around yourself. New hobby? Change of scene? Something that is all yours and a breath of fresh air.

There is a fab new life out there and you are making your way towards it. Keep going!

P.S I remember bursting into tears in Sainsbury's - when I too thought there were no tears left and it totally took me by surprise.

It's ok. Better out than in. 

@ better out than in. It reminds me of one of the DC's programme..can't remember it's name right now. I also keep hearing Daddy pig's voice saying it!

It has been an emotional couple of days.
One of my DC after having lots of private 'chats' with DH of which one of these chats was about trust, has decided that she wants to live with DH and she does not trust me. That was a body blow. Since this chat with DH, DD has been angry, emotional, moody, lashing out. I have not done anything to cause her not to trust me. I have been giving her lots of TLC. I can't help feeling something has been said to her. Am i being paranoid? Any advice?

From what you’ve said about him OP I would think you’re right unfortunately. How old is DD? I wonder whether speaking to social services about what DD has said/your suspicions would be a good idea? If he is turning DD against you that would come under parental alienation, which CAFCAS/family courts take a very dim view of so it might be a good idea to put them in the picture.

I hadn’t seen your thread before but have read it all now and just want to say how sorry I am he’s putting you through this. You must feel utterly drained by it all, is there anything we can do to help keep your strength up? I hope you have support in real life too, he’s making this as hard and as unpleasant as it possibly can be and that must be so hard on you. It does confirm that you’re absolutely right to get away from him though, don’t ever doubt that. Sending love and strength in the hope that it helps a little

Hello, hiding. You have helped me before a couple of years ago.

DD is 8. Thank you, i will let social services know about this development. I had not thought of that.
I have spoken to her school to get some counselling support for her. And they are taking it seriously.
Thank you hidingtonothing good to see you again. I do feel so drained.
I let him come and go as he pleased because i wanted to ensure the DC happiness and their emotional wellbeing. I am beginning to think that was a mistake.

DH has got a flat nearby. He plans to have custody 50:50 and still drop by to see them on my days to just say hello if he wants to. He has found a mediator who will facilitate this discussion with me of what he wants. He also wants to take the car. The mediator is also going to speak to me about that.
Anybody got experiences with mediators? Can they be biased? Are they always found objectively? Or do they tend towards the client of the law firm that recommended them?

The car is in his name, he pays the monthly fees though the deposit was my old car. It was me going to look for a bigger car for myself because our family was increasing. I took him along so as to be a good wife. I was always told what a rubbish wife i was..i did not include him in decision making. At the dealership, he took over and went for a brand new car and said he would pay, i shouldn't worry. I thought, 'oh my! What a lovely thing to do for your wife'.
About 6 months later, DH sold his own car. Then my car was said to be the family car. I protested he then swore the only way he would get in the car was if he were dead. For months, he would not get in the car. He would walk or take the train while me and DC drove to the same place. Then one day he said he is paying for the car so he decides when and how it is used. And immediately my mobility was restricted. At this point, i was tired of the DC seeing him walk or take the train to the same destination we are going to. I was also scared of how else he might kick off so i didn't put up a fight.

Hi OP so sorry to hear what you are going through. He sounds like my stbxh but worse!. Please just keep going . I hope you can get help with solicitors cost and rent.

Off point can I just ask if he is african , possibly nigerian?. Really toxic masculinity.

Reading that has made me so angry, what an absolute piece of work he is This is all about control for him by the sounds of it so everything you do now has to be about you taking that control back. You’ve tried the softly, softly approach in the hope he will be reasonable and it hasn’t worked so now you know there’s no point in trying to appease him, all that does is teaches him he’s still in control.

Where are you with your housing situation? Is his name still on the tenancy/mortgage and does he still have keys? How would he react if you changed the locks or put a chain on so he can’t just stroll in? It can’t be doing your MH much good to have him wandering in when he feels like it. I would be wanting to start setting some boundaries now but obviously you’re best placed to know whether that might just make things worse.

I have no knowledge/experience with mediators but I don’t like the sound of He has found a mediator who will facilitate this discussion with me of what he wants. Are you in touch with a solicitor of your own? Just wondering if they could advise about unbiased mediation.

He is patently going to be as awkward as possible and try to stitch you up at every turn so you really need to protect yourself here. Take every bit of help and support that’s offered and play things by the book with social services and any other agencies, I would imagine they will see him for what he is pretty quickly so it’s important you are seen as the reasonable one who is putting DC first.

I feel a bit out of my depth with the level of shit he’s throwing at you tbh, you must feel like it’s coming from all angles and it’s hard to know which bit to focus on first.

One of my DC after having lots of private 'chats' with DH of which one of these chats was about trust, has decided that she wants to live with DH and she does not trust me. That was a body blow. Since this chat with DH, DD has been angry, emotional, moody, lashing out. I have not done anything to cause her not to trust me. I have been giving her lots of TLC. I can't help feeling something has been said to her. Am i being paranoid? Any advice?

I am sorry this has happened. You are not being paranoid and need to trust your gut feeling. You have parental responsibility by virtue of the fact that your children live with you. This means that you are responsible for their physical and emotional wellbeing. I am assuming that if your DD had a similar reaction to something that had happened/was said at school, you would be on the doorstep wanting to know what the hell happened? Sadly, you cannot do this with him, but CAFCASS and SS are the agencies who will help you. You have also done the right thing by arranging counselling for her with the school. The truth will come out, but it's hard to watch your own child suffering as a result. I really am so sorry. (My STBX has done similar with my DC's, except they are grown up and he told my sons boss that I was turning my children against their father. My son put his boss right).