I can't think...

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Dear mumsnetters, i need your help.

Bit of background (i am happy to give more details as needed): There were many times in my marriage i thought i was going insane and that lead to my first post but you darling mumsnetters reassured me i was not. I got to learn about gaslighting. And also that i was being abused. I still struggle to accept that even though rationally i know it is true. Verbal, Emotional, Psychological, Financial abuse. This makes it seem like i am angel...blameless but i have my faults.
I have wanted to leave for many years but have been too scared to.

In the last year, i have started speaking up but that just lead to an increase in frequency and an escalation in his behaviour - verbal insults, coming right up into my face screaming at me (even when i have our toddler in my arms), passive agressive behaviour, financial withdrawal (in some things).

A week ago, he got very angry. Two consecutive days..yelling in face of my face, knocking things about (i was carrying our youngest). The second day he got physical (squeezing my hand).I ran upstairs, thinking the presence of the kids will stop him. But no. I called the police. He was furious. He immediately turns to the kids tells them that by calling the police i am breaking up the family, destroying their home. He threatened to make me regret ever calling the police and that he would never let it go. It is not the first, second or third time he has threatened me.
Police came, he wasn't arrested but given a verbal caution. He blames me. He says my calling the police was 'pre-meditated'. He is really offended by what i have done to him. He has vowed to deal with me.

He has since then kept away from the home. He calls the kids, speaks with them. But no communication between us. Yesterday, he asked (via text) to have the kids overnight at the hotel he is staying at. He refuses to reply me when i ask (via text) how long he will be staying in hotels and that we need to talk so we know we are doing.

I work part time, i fall into that gap of earning just above the limit to qualify for benefits and not earning enough to look after my kids on my own, we live in rented accomodation. He is self-employed & very well paid. No joint accounts.

I want to leave. I know i have to leave. I am scared to let him know that, even though he is probably planning to leave me (as punishment). I want to file for a non-molestation order but i am scared to annoy him further. I want to file for it, so it can be out there that his treatment of me is not right. Something concrete so our kids know that it is not 'mummy is being mean and trying to destroy daddy'.

I am terrified of what he could be planning. Why is he not replying about what his intentions are? What are the possible scenarios?

From your experiences, please what should i be doing? Half of me feels i am underreacting but i feel scared to do anything more.. Half of me feels engaging a lawyer is overeacting. I can't seem to think clearly, i feel like i am swimming in quicksand. I feel lost and very alone.
What are your experiences about non-molestation orders?

If you have gotten to the end, i am really grateful. If you understood my rambling even more grateful. I feel paralysed, constantly tearful, there is a knot in my tummy and for some reason the connection to my brain has failed. Please, what should i be doing?

He plans to have custody 50:50 and still drop by to see them on my days to just say hello if he wants to

You cannot allow him to drop in whenever he wants. It is not in the childrens best interests for their father to just appear out of the blue, especially when their parents are not together. Kids just want to know what to expect and benefit from a good routine.

I get that you are trying to keep the peace, but there will be no peace for you or them while he still has this level of control.

From what you say, he does appear to have narc tendencies and Narcs traditionally see children as possessions rather than living breathing beings who are capable of being emotionally damaged because of a parents bad behaviour. I know this sounds a bit over the top but knowing what I know now, your main concern must be their welfare and, as their mother, you can flag this as a problem. The key is not to say how their reaction has upset you, rather how their fathers "chats" appear to have cause them severe emotional distress and you want to safeguard them.

I do know how you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Hi.
Anybody got experiences with mediators? Can they be biased? Are they always found objectively? Or do they tend towards the client of the law firm that recommended them?

Sorry...accidental post above.
Thank you everyone for replying. I thought i must be running mad. I did try taking things one step at a time because i didn't want ro set him off. But it is now clear to me that that is not the way to go.

I have spoken with SS ..told them my observations. I feel SS are not getting the weight of my concerns. Maybe the SW is just the calm type or overworked and has more serious cases at hand...or i am not putting my concerns across adequately or i am overthinking it..i don't know. But at least they are aware.
And i have booked an appointment with my solicitor...it is expensive but i really need to get 10 steps ahead. I get the feeling that he is telling me he will know after 6 months if the marriage is over because he needs to distract me. Because the SW told me he definitely was never returning to the marriage, he just wants contact with the DC.

I have a long list of jobs to do to make sure i do everything by the book and stop him from just popping in anymore. I have been taken for a fool. I am now getting angry.

juggling thank you. Noted. You are right that is a much better approach. I love her to bits. It hurts to see her miserable and lashing out.
juggling how are you?

Regarding the tenancy, keys, changing locks etc. I am working on it. It will make things worse but it was always going to get worse anyway.

I’m liking the sound of your list OP, glad you’re getting angry too, it’s a useful emotion when you need something to spur you on. SS may not have seemed overly concerned but it’s still good that you’ve reported, it will form part of an overall picture for them so could still help further down the line. Make sure you tell the solicitor as well, specifically mention parental alienation and do the same with CAFCASS once the court process is underway. None of them will necessarily do anything with the information immediately but it needs to be on file.

You’re dead right about needing to be 10 steps ahead and I’d put money on you being right about him keeping you hanging for 6 months while he gets on with protecting himself and shafting you too. He forgets that you know him though, use that knowledge and trust your instincts regarding what he’s up to.

You must feel utterly under siege OP, I hope this thread will be of use to you, even if it’s only for support, you need as much strength around you as possible. You will get through this though, there will be an end point to all this whereas staying with him would have meant the same shit for many more years. Remember that when it’s all getting on top of you, it will be worth it for you and DC to live in relative peace

Itistimeandiamscared I have struggled for the last few weeks TBH. Hidingtonothing has inadvertently described my current situation - under siege. I have been accused of so much recently and I know it is classic narcissistic projection. i.e., he has behaved in a particularly reprehensible way, so is now accusing me of the same - I am the bad person and he is the poor victim. I expected it, but there was a tiny little bit of hope left that he would not conform to type. Now I know that he will throw his own children under the bus (figuratively speaking) to achieve his aims, I have come out fighting, but with my head up and with dignity. I have to expect the worst and I don't expect to be disappointed. This is the only way forward for me.

I agree with the need to be 10 steps ahead - it will make you feel more in control of your own life. I have had to do the same, and it is very satisfying to know that whatever allegations are thrown at me, I have evidence to refute them. I'm not going to let him continue to grind me down. I deserve more.

So do you Itistimeandiamscared

Today, i am so angry, heartbroken (why???) and deeply sad..all at the same time.
I feel discarded...even though i definitely don't want to go back to that relationship.
DH has made no attempt to fight for the marriage (i don't know why i want him too) instead he has gleefully rushed into his new life, new flat, getting the kids excited about going shopping for furniture, utensils etc to kit out the new place.
In our house he never showed interest in decorating, or picking out furniture or utensils and he never contributed to buying any either. He moaned whenever i was on a project to make the house look nice and comfortable. He refused for me to get rid of our old outdated, broken down sofas and TV stand (he had them before we started dating). Now, he is going furniture shopping and leaving all his stuff he no longer wants.. and i have never wanted.
I have a barrage of emotions i am trying to process and i am feeling so unsettled today.

Hi,

So sorry you had such a bad day yesterday, things like this will set you off and it's perfectly normal for you to feel what you are. Feel it and let it pass.

Know that things will get better and keep fighting and carrying on.

You've got this! X

It's been ages since I posted last. I wasn't..haven't been coping well. I kinda of found myself frozen and unable to act. I was also consumed with an overwhelming sadness and incapable of functioning beyond waking up, caring for the kids and spending sleepless troubled nights. And repeating the pattern day after day after day. Just focusing on the kids. My work has suffered...but they have been very supportive. I withdrew from interacting with friends and family...luckily they haven't given up on me!

Current state of affairs - We remain separated. No contact arrangements in place, we tried to organise something but we couldn't agree. And there is no discussion or anything in the works towards this.
I found out last month that he stopped paying the rent since November. So was owing three months rent unbeknownst to me. Since last month, actually.. since december, he has not given me any money or clothes or food or a pencil or anything for that matter towards the maintenance of our kids. So things are extremely tight.
He continues to see the kids when he wants at his place..the occasional weekend. He continues to tell the kids I am not to be trusted, I have ruined their lives, they should blame me for what is happening because I wanted this for them. He refuses to speak to or communicate with me except when he wants to see the children.

Progress so far - I have applied for housing benefits and was successful. I get about 30% of the monthly rent.
-House and council tax is now in my name and I am up to date with all bills for March.
-I have paid off one month's arrears rent. Still have two months outstanding.
-I have changed the locks
-I am doing very well with looking after the children and also doing a great job supporting them emotionally and mentally.
-Also so far they haven't gone hungry and they remain clothedgrin.
-The house has continued to be clean and tidy.
-I have been able to continue to provide cooked meals for the kids..well mostly cooked meals. There were periods where the phone/takeaway played a very essential role in keeping them fed. Luckily, those periods are less now.
-I have changed some things around in the bedroom and have made it mine. My space. And I love it.
-I have a date to go out with friends for a meal or cinema ..whatever we eventually decide.
-I now feel safe and secure in my home now. And with my life. I have some peace of mind.

They may seem very small and inconsequential things but I am very grateful for these.

I am fearful of the future and how things will play out. I have no financial means for court etc and I don't qualify for legal aid.
I still have no fight in me and lack the energy to start anything e.g sort out contact arrangements, get him to support his children financially etc
I still have bad days and feel on the brink of tears constantly but I am starting to have good days.

Reading through this thread this morning has been so helpful.
I am so grateful for all the advice and support in here. I am grateful I have this to turn to once I start kicking off things...i think it's coming.
I keep trying to come out of this frozen state but it feels like i am swimming in quicksand.
Thank-you to everyone for your help.

One thing I know is everyone deserves to be happy in life .Life is so short I thought about this and decided I would not die bearing his name.I just couldn’t hence my actions on filing for a divorce.
I wish you could just try your best too ignore him.
You can’t continue to live sorry..... die ...like this this is death ...you have to get out .

It fees like there are so many problems you are overwhelmed. Not surprisingly.

Getting a new email should be easy - pick a different provider ideally though as when I for example had work and home Gmail accounts it automatically tries to link them. Make sure you say no to Any attempt for the computer to simplify your life that way (it won't be🤣🤣).
Staying up all night will always make it feel worse. Try to get some sleep and see your GP for help to get you past needing to think straight too.

Do you have any friends that may be able to put you up for a bit that he won't instantly guess? Or make contact with women's aid and see if they can help. You may have to cope with being in one room with your family short term but being safe has to be key here
Call the police if he makes more of a nuisance. I was told they can't record calls anymore because of gdpr. Protect yourself. He wants you to be scared and I know it's hard but it is probably mostly threats. It's horrible. I feel for you and good luck 🤗

OP your situation sounds very hard but your update shows you are doing fantastic, even if you don't feel.like it. You should be proud of yourself. Your DC will at some point see their father for what he is. KOKO.

Only on page 1 of 4, so maybe this has been answered but one can use a VPN to get an IP address anywhere in the world.

Sorry...I am tired. I see that was from some time ago. Carry on.

You have achieved SO much !! Don't worry - as my old grandmother used to say - it won't change anything.

Plod through the days. Sleep when you need, be kind to yourself. It's gradually getting better.

You have seriously done loads!!! 😘

@Palaver1 , thank-you for your post. I am trying to just ignore him. Some days I am more successful than others.. because we have the kids it is a bit more difficult.
@Otter71 , I am trying with the sleep thing. And it is getting better. The GP is aware and has been quite helpful. Thank-you.
@2019willbegreat , I like your username. Thank-you for your lovely words. So kind. Your username is my 'self positive encouragement'.
@NameWithChange , thank-you. I am learning that this is a lonely road. And I just have to plod on.

I am getting better and slowly changing things in me. The one thing that frustrates me and paralyses me, is how scared I am of him. And that is stopping me from doing what I should.
And I can see I have left things too late because financially, it is now dire.
Something in me is very broken. I am damaged. I need a dose of courage (massive dose). Can one get back to their initial self from being this way?

You will get back to your old self - with a few lessons learned along the way. And the good news is the loneliness will pass, it really will. Focus on your beautiful children, count each blessing but above all be kind to yourself wherever possible. This is only a phase honestly. If you need an afternoon on the sofa doing nothing, do it! There are no rules. You are doing brilliantly x

Thank-you @NameWithChange ,
having a particularly bad day today. Feeling quite overwhelmimed, anxious and very worried. Feeling quite unpositive about the future re:child contact and finance. I am worried that I would be forced into agreeing with an arrangement that would not work for all of us but because he knows it would make things difficult for me. He has no intention of giving me a penny of 'his money'.
And reading through people's experiences, I am feeling things could turn out really rough for me leaving me in a bad situation. STBXH is quite intimidating and carries out his threats. I just feel unable to stand up to him.
I would love to just hide away today but kids..committments..activities.
I am exhausted, barely slept, unable to eat but I have put my public cheerful face on.
I really just wish i could hide away and sleep for a long time...

If he gets 50/50, he won’t have to give you child maintenance

Can you rest/do something nice when kids at school? I used to find weekends really really hard. I don't anymore though honestly.

You are in a horrible interim phase with no guarantees and your anxiety is completely natural and understandable. Take one day at a time, please don't let the future put the fear in you and steel your happiness - literally no one knows how this could pan out and there could well be (and almost definitely will be) loads of positive things.

Please search out some support for yourself, arm yourself with solid answers, take free legal advice if necessary, speak to Women's aid, just search out some support. You can do this, you really can.

Read through your previous post of how much you have achieved. It really is amazing! You are doing so well. Please remind yourself of that and understand why you are so justifiably exhausted. 💐