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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Telling my husband today.

80 replies

snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 11:24

After months of counselling I have decided that I cannot go on with my husband. We have had separate rooms for 7 years, no intimacy and I think our three children 5-11 are suffering from this crappy situation. We sort of live separately but as a married couple of that makes sense. I am very unhappy but didn’t leave as he has a history of MH issues. I have a friend looking after the children this afternoon so I can talk to him but I am scared. It is such a massive leap but I can’t carry on like this for me or the children. Any advice or support would be very welcome. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 11:25

I should add the counselling has been on my own. We have tried several time but it was only short term fix each time.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 11:32

Surely he must be unhappy with this situation as well? Put it to him that it's for everyone's benefit, including his and the children's.You can continue to work together on friendly terms, co-parenting, and try to reassure him that he won't be financially made to suffer.

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 11:47

Thank you. I think he wants the facade of the family and me to look after him. I am not sure he will Take it easily.

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Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 14:23

I am very nervous. I am just writing this to calm down. I know we well all be better off not living in a constant tense situation. I think it is bad for the children to have this as a daily role model. It just seems so ridiculous when on paper we have a lovely life. Am I just letting off a massive bomb that I will regret.

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 22/07/2018 14:28

Deep breaths snacker. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 14:32

Thank you. I have some note I have made and I am going to look over those before I speak to him. I just have to think of a reason that the children are going to my friend without us. As him to get something out the loft and we catch them up?

OP posts:
sundancecowboy · 22/07/2018 14:48

Is it possible just to say that you need to speak to him about something and you've arranged for them to go to your friend for a hour or so? (so that he knows the time for discussion is limited to a certain amount)

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 14:51

That is a good idea. I am worried he will try to avoid talking because he will probably have an idea what I am going to say. He might just go with them.

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Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 14:51

Do I make him sit down at the kitchen table?

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 22/07/2018 14:53

Hide the knives

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 14:55

When I say make him sit at the table he is currently lounging in the garden. I don’t want neighbours earwigging and I want to minimise the chance of him just walking off. I am just looking over the notes I have written and have such a massive feeling of dread and sadness.

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Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 14:58

@HumptyNumptyNooNoo I really hope that will not be necessary. Though I will make sure I have a means to leave the house quickly if required. I should add he is on medication. It should keep him calm.

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HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 22/07/2018 15:00

I hope it all goes well. But I always assume the worst. (To prepare just in case )

LizzieSiddal · 22/07/2018 15:04

Would it be easier if there was someone else there? Maybe you could ask a friend or relative to come round? They could sit in the garden while you speak to your H.

I wish you luck,Flowers

Chasingcars123 · 22/07/2018 15:05

Just content yourself by knowing that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. You have reared 3 children so you are a capable mother who knows what is best for herself and the children.

You went to counselling and made your decision and it is the right decision. Your children know your marriage is not happy and once they accept it they will know that it's for the best.

Once things settle down they will probably be relieved.

Before you speak to him allow yourself to be excited about your future on your own terms.

Women do this every day and you can do it!!! Good luck, let us know how it goes. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 15:06

Thank you. I am just waiting for a text from my friend to say they are back so my children can walk down.

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Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 15:07

I have told no-one. You are the only people who know. I will tell me friend when I go to collect the children.

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peterpanwendy · 22/07/2018 15:10

Good luck slacker, you are doing the right thing for everyone and I hope when the rollercoaster is over you find peace Thanks

peterpanwendy · 22/07/2018 15:10

Snacker*

Pavlova31 · 22/07/2018 15:15

Good luck op💐☕️

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 22/07/2018 15:19

Ok. Children getting ready to go. I am busying myself in the kitchen. I have been lurking on the board for a long time and it has been so helpful. I will let you know how is goes.

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Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 15:26
Flowers
Costacoffeeplease · 22/07/2018 15:27

Good luck 🤞

ShesABelter · 22/07/2018 15:32

I would just point out to him that you and he both deserve to be in a relationship where you are genuinely in love. Life is too short to settle for less and it's good to show the children healthy, happy loving relationships so they too will have fulfilling relationships. Also point out his good points, such as I think you are an amazing father but unfortunately it's glaringly obvious we could be happier apart.

onalongsabbatical · 22/07/2018 15:44

I hope it’s going as well as can be expected, OP. These things are usually much worse in our imaginations and a great relief once embarked on, however difficult. And you sound really clear and strong.