Telling my husband today.

[snackerextraordinaire]

After months of counselling I have decided that I cannot go on with my husband. We have had separate rooms for 7 years, no intimacy and I think our three children 5-11 are suffering from this crappy situation. We sort of live separately but as a married couple of that makes sense. I am very unhappy but didn’t leave as he has a history of MH issues. I have a friend looking after the children this afternoon so I can talk to him but I am scared. It is such a massive leap but I can’t carry on like this for me or the children. Any advice or support would be very welcome. Thank you for reading.

be strong

Good luck, Snacker.

Thank you. I have spoken with him. I have left to go for a walk and pick the children up. I think I was clear. He told me I would break the children’s hearts. I have just realised I have left with saying he needs to look into his options. I also said I would go to see someone with him to discuss arrangements. I haven’t suggested a time for further chats.

I am very sad.

That's understandable; end of an era. It'll take a little while. Things will get better, I promise.

I'm not surprised. No one can feel anything but sad in your position. But from what I've read, you're doing the only sensible thing.

You are not breaking your children's hearts, you are modelling self-esteem and independence. He is speaking about his own pain and his fear of not being able to process it. Don't let him guilt-trip you.
Good luck. You're very brave and you are handling this well and with kindness to him.

It would eventually break your Children’s hearts them knowing that you've been in an unhappy marriage for years. You've done the right thing

Your current situation is breaking the children's hearts ... your demonstrating a life you wouldn't wish for them when they're older.

Show them to own their own happiness. To not stay in a relationship that makes them miserable and unhappy and unfulfilled.

Children adapt to change better than adults. I'm sure they will be fine.

As others have said you both need to be happy, and you both obviously haven't been for years. You have made to right decision.

Be strong. You can do this.

I am a child of divorced parents, you are most certainly not breaking their hearts. You are showing them how to be strong and true to yourself. They will be fine especially being so young

Thank you for your kind words. I am unable to sleep with everything whizzing round my head.

Hello snacker, I hope you did get some sleep at last. How are you this morning? Have you got some plans in place for today? Thinking of you.

I did get some sleep. Luckily the children have broken up and so could have a little lie in. My husband has gone away now on an over night trip. I feel a bit better but as I sit in the kitchen nothing seems to have changed. I am not sure what I should do next.

It might be that he will continue to bury his head in the sand to keep the status quo. Perhaps you might spend some time looking at viable options for your separation so that you can give him a choice of A or B and then he knows you are serious about wanting to live apart. Put together some ideas about how to work out finances and whether you will decide to get divorced. Which is the best way to tell the children and what your reasons are so that it's clear to them that it is just you and he who don't make each other happy any more. Although all this is painful you are moving towards a place where you will all feel better - him included.

So you’ve got a bit of welcome space. You need to think about how YOU want it to go. It may feel like nothing’s changed but it has, because you’ve spoken. Have a plan for what needs to be done and how things are going to be when he’s back, if he comes back and acts like nothing’s happened, how are you going to remind him/wake him up?

Practical things – who owns the house and who’s staying in it? Bank accounts, separating finances. Speaking to the children – makes it more real but obviously has to be done very carefully. It should be both of you and you should be agreed that there’s not going to be any blame flung around in their presence, so that’s something you and he need to prepare for.
How about getting some real life practical advice too? When do you see your counselor next? I know they won’t give you actual direction but it’s another space to talk through things.
Don’t sink back into how it was!
Write lists - they can be amended but they help with the flow of ideas.

Can I input something here (from your DH’s perspective)? I’m a guy, FWIW, and was in your DH’s shoes about two months ago.

You need to remember that you’ve had a lot of time to process this and make your mind up. No matter how obvious you think the problems with your marriage have been, they may well not have been clear to your DH. In which case he found out his marriage was over yesterday. That was kind of what it was like for me, too.

Give him some space, and some time, too. If he asks, gently remind him that it’s over, but have some sensitivity and don’t immediately start following up with suggestions on who’s staying in the house (for example) in the next couple of days. He needs some processing time. My wife waited a week or so before she even mentioned next steps - in the meantime she just answered questions, and listened to me plead, calmly and kindly. I needed that time, and I suspect your DH will too.

Well done Snacker. It was never going to be easy but you still did it. You are not going to break your childrens' hearts. It would damage them more to watch their parents in a dysfunctional relationship.

Pat yourself on the back and allow yourself to be excited about the future.

Well done!

@Carrot09 That is what I am going to do. I did read up on telling both my husband and the children before. I am giving him time to process. I am not angry and don’t want to hurt him. I am also aware of his MH issue and though I cannot live with him any longer I know he will need support through this time.

Thank you everyone else for your comments. I think making lists is a good idea. I am speaking to my counsellor tomorrow. I have been hit by the enormity of what is going to happen and need a few days to let this settle.

I have only told my friend that looked after the children and no-one else. I am afraid to tell anyone in case they make me feel bad.

At least I have tonight with his on his own to sit in the garden with a beer and gather my thoughts.

Sorry that last bit got garbled. I meant to say ‘with my husband away to sit drink a beer in the garden and gather my rhoughts’

Enjoy your evening!

Oh lovely I hope you are ok. I am also feeling sad today..I left 3 weeks ago. Hand hold for you x

I have had a session with my counsellor today which was helpful. I was wondering why I was ending something that can be tolerable. I have made lots of allowances and put up with selfish behaviour in the past. Could I not carry on like this? I was reminded that when I went to the counsellor to start with it was to discuss the breakdown of not only my relationship with my husband but also because I was worried about how his bahaviour affected the children. And that he had started to bully our oldest in particular.

I discussed how I had made scary changes in my life before, moving to an area I knew no-one, embarking on crazy house projects and removing the children from their school as I was concerned about things even though they were happy. These life changing situations have all be scary and filled with self doubt. But each one has had a positive outcome. I just hope that making this change in our lives will end up being really positive too.

I am still unsure how we are moving forward as my husband has been away for the last two days. But I will continue to gently push forward. I am not telling anyone else yet including the children. I really hope I am doing the right thing.

It WILL be a positive change, it will just take a bit of time. Everyone, including your husband deserves to be happy and he can't be happy with the way things are going. I agree with PP, the best thing you can do for your children is to give them n example of a healthy, loving relationship to emulate when they are older. I hope things get better for you all as you move forward.