Telling my husband today.

[snackerextraordinaire]

After months of counselling I have decided that I cannot go on with my husband. We have had separate rooms for 7 years, no intimacy and I think our three children 5-11 are suffering from this crappy situation. We sort of live separately but as a married couple of that makes sense. I am very unhappy but didn’t leave as he has a history of MH issues. I have a friend looking after the children this afternoon so I can talk to him but I am scared. It is such a massive leap but I can’t carry on like this for me or the children. Any advice or support would be very welcome. Thank you for reading.

@PuddinginPerth did you mean to be so offensive and insensitive? I can't believe you actually just posted that after the OP's posts.

@snackerextraordinaire it sounds like you've made absolutely the right decision, even though it's going to be painful in the short term. Your children do not deserve to be bullied by their father!

@BIWI

I wasn’t going to write anything, until I saw her follow up posts and imagined this poor guy hiding from his wife in the backyard whilst she types on mumsnet that she’s planning on leaving him.

There was drama to her additional posts which indicated that she is enjoying the attention, the drama and the comments.

She’s about to make a decision that isn’t the best financial decision of her life; not to mention potentially ruining the lives of three other people.

She said her and her husband haven’t shared a bedroom in 7 years - yet she had a 5 year old.

I don’t think there is a way to “sensitively” leave a marriage, but it is certainly insensitive to play it out on mumsnet with complete and utter disregard to others and then wait for the applause.

Ludicrous, Pudding it's perfectly possible to be sleeping in separate rooms and deprived of EMOTIONAL intimacy and still conceive a child.

Honestly I think this is one of the least dramatic 'leaving' threads I've seen. Much more sad than attention seeking is how I read it. Attention seekers keep coming back and milking it, no evidence the OP has done that at all.

You've already been deleted for your comments @PuddinginPerth. Don't make it worse.

@puddinginperth I am really hurt by your comments. I have been living with someone for 20 years who I have cared for and had a family with. He has behaved appalling to me in the past and I don’t like how things are for our children living with him, yet I am trying to end our marriage in the best way I can. I have told no-one in my life, not my parents or anyone as I am a very private person. I simply came onto this board for some support from people who may have been in my position before or has been in the flip side as @carrot09.

Thank you @Biwi and @onalongsabbitical I am trying to stay positive. Your support means a lot.

Sorry and thank you @krustykittens. I genuinely want him to be happy too. I think we are both pretty miserable.

snackerextraordinaire try and take no notice of pudding for whatever reason they’re just not getting it. I do hope you’re feeling a bit rested and composed and prepared for him coming back. Very best of luck with it all, it’s obviously painful and difficult.

Just ignore those idiotic comments. It was evident from your first post that you were anxious about what to do. You took everyone including your husband into consideration first. You put everybody's feelings ahead of your own.

Nobody should have to stay in an unhappy marriage. You are doing the right thing and I wish you well.

It won't be easy but you need to do this for yourself and for your family. You life is as worthwhile as theirs. A happy mum is what your kids need.

@BIWI I maintain my original position. I don’t think “unhappiness” is a reason to deprive children of their father.

@snackerextraordinaire

It was not intention to “hurt” you. Rather to highlight the issues you’re likely to encounter.

Statistically, women who are divorced and don’t remarry are more likely to live in poverty in later years.

Pudding I feel sorry for you. Living in fear of unhappiness and penury is a sad way to live. Luckily OP has chosen to be brave and try a different approach.

Best of luck OP

I am not going to engage with pudding further.

Thank you for your words of support. It seems so far that my husband is taking this well and spoke briefly in passing about how we will move forward. Maybe as suggested by others he too thinks this is the better option. Or he is going through the motions and trying to show himself to be changed, calm and accommodating. I am just keeping to my position. Quietly. No drama.

Time will tell. You've started the process and I hope things go well for you.

Good for you. How he is may change as reality sinks in. But if you maintain your clear but kind mode you will pull through.

I had been slowly and steadilyaking clear to my husband that we were separating. He had wanted to accept invitations to events happening in September and I had to be clear and tell him that we would not be attending. Well that I would not. We had some conversations about money, where he said we could not afford to separate and I said that we would just have to make it work. Then today we had sad news that a family member died this morning. What do I do now? He is obviously upset, we both are. I don't however want to give the wrong impression but also do not want to be an insensitive cow.

We watched Unforgotten on TV tonight. The scene where the man with Bi-Polar talking about how his life fell apart was just excruciatingly painful for both of us. We sat on separate sofas staring at the television both acutely aware of what was being said being very like our situation. I felt awful, the character in the programme has ended up living in a camper van.

I am finding things very hard today.

Hugs for you OP. It is tough. Read up on the stages of grief, it sounds as though your H is going through the denial stage. My H heard "Our marriage is over, and we are going to separate" as "I'm having a bad phase, let's work on this!"
Head in the sand. And then other life events insist on happening, deaths, weddings, birthdays.

You are standing firm, that is good. What's next? Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Thank you @Tiddleypops I had an initial conversation with a solicitor a few months ago when I was finding out about the process etc.

I thought she was kind and gentle but I was concerned if she would be strong enough if my husband was to get difficult. I have not explored others but maybe I should. My counsellor has been calm but strong, no mess type. Maybe I need a solicitor a bit more like that. Do I need to feel I have someone who will stand up and fight for me if it comes to that. Or am I being pessimistic and really need a kind person? I am a bit confused about that.

Hello snacker. I’ve got some small idea of what you’re going through as I went through it about 7 months ago. The emotional and practical repercussions are still very much dominating my life... but it is getting easier as the days/weeks/months go by. I suppose time brings with it a new ‘normality’ - it’s taken me a long time to get used to being on my own. The initial feelings of great sadness have subsided greatly but I’m still a long way from feeling comfortable with it all.
My advice is to take one day at a time, and be kind to yourself. I’m sorry to hear about your relative passing away. You will get through all this

Thank you @lemono.

Hello @snacker. I am new to this forum and to the idea of separation. I just wanted to say how good it is to read your post, as I have many of the same worries, and also how wonderful it is to read the supportive messages from other people. I wish you well

Hello @teaandcake123, it has been really great to be able to tell 'someone' on mumsnet as I had not told anyone in RL. I have now told one friend and today my parents. Still have not said anything to the children. I am trying to give my husband time but also not give him the impression it will just go away. I hope you are doing well. These are stressful time. x

Dear Snacker*, just wanted to send you a big hug . I totally get how hard it must have been to tell hubby. Your post, im sure could have been written by many of us, certainly me. I am in the same position . I told hubby a few weeks ago that I wanted to split up but it’s still not sunk in. He is in denial and keeps talking about future holidays and events, like your hubby. As we are currently abroad I haven’t pushed him and mentioned divorce again as our child is with us and I don’t want to cause a scene. We are not affectionate at all... so he must know things are still wrong. I suspect head in the sand🤔 . I will speak to him again on return from holiday. I’m just glad we have mumsnet as an outlet and support. Sending you lots of love. Keep us posted on progress. Hope all is okay 🤞😊

Good to hear your updates, Snacker. Slowly but certainly you move forward.

Thank you @gizmocat1 and @Prawnofthepatriarchy.

I just can't seem to get it through to him. I had a chat with his this afternoon and said maybe he could have a look on a letting site to see about flats. He told me we were not paying for that. He has the money. No for years but certainly for the foreseeable future. so that is stumbling block one. Secondly we are going to his step father's funeral and he wants us to take a holiday cottage where the funeral is and make a holiday of it. I know it would make sense to stay the night after the funeral as there will be a family meal that night with every one coming from all over but we are not making a holiday of it. (To be really honest, I have been to several funeral of my grandparents etc and we never did this. We all travelled to the funeral and then after the wake, we went home. But them my family don't think much of driving miles and his family are scared to get on the M25.)