Wife has asked for a divorce

[Carrot09]

Hi all - long time lurker, first time poster. It’d be great to get a woman’s perspective on my marriage (I don’t really have any close female friends/relatives who I’d want to unload this on...!)

A couple of weeks ago, my wife sat me down and told me we were getting a divorce. At first, I assumed it was something we could talk about; it rapidly became clear that she was adamant. I did the usual (I assume) - cried, pleaded, all a bit undignified!

In all honesty, things haven’t been good for a while. There haven’t been many big set piece arguments, but we’ve been going through the motions really. I’ve also been very irritable/snappy and critical for a while (including of her weight).

Having really sat down and thought about it, I think the main reason for this - frankly sh*t - behaviour is that I’ve been completely wrapped up/stressed by work for years now - it pays well, but takes over my entire week and great chunks of the weekend, so I don’t really ever contribute much around the house. That’s left to my wife (who also works full time, albeit in a less intense industry). We have a two year old daughter, and while I do loads on weekends, I have to admit I’m not really present on the weekdays.

I must admit I’m struggling at the moment - we have a lovely life (materially anyway), and it feels like there’s a lot to throw away. I get that I’ve been a pretty awful husband, but on the other hand I’ve never so much as looked at another woman, don’t really drink or go out, and pay all my money straight into our mortgage. It just feels like although I’ve probably worn her down emotionally, I’m not the world’s biggest b*stard.

What do you think - I will throw anything at it to save this marriage (though I’ve probably never looked much like I cared). Do wives who’re pushed this far just tend to make their minds up, or is there anything I can do to drag this back from the brink?

Have you said all this to her?
Personally, I'd rather my DP was around rather than than make a shit tonne of money. Money means nothing but being there does!

Wow that’s refreshingly honest.
Are you scared of losing her or your whole life?

Thanks guys. I’ve never posted on a forum like this before and it’s oddly really comforting that there’s at least someone else even just thinking about this, even if we are total strangers.

I have explained this - ineptly I think though. And I take your point on the money. I think the problem was that I saw being the provider as my role, and I didn’t need to do much else.

Honestly, I’m both scared of losing her AND the life we’ve built. She is awesome, but I just didn’t take enough time to make her feel like that’s what I thought.

The bit that has hit me for six is just how intractable she seems about the whole thing though - it’s scary how made up her mind is. I’m gutted at the idea that I missed all the (in fairness very explicit) signs and now it’s just ‘done’

It does sound like you don't want to throw away your nice lifestyle - what about your wife, do you actually really love her? If you don't it is unfair to hang on to the marriage for materialistic reasons

Sorry cross post , if she is awesome can you tell her now?

I should have been clearer. I meant we have a lovely life materially because I’m pretty sure I’ve f*cked up the lovely life emotionally that we should have had.

How do you honestly feel about her weight now- are you still physically attracted to her, the damage you did by being critical
Of her weight will be enormous. It will take a lot to undo that hurt, but it is possible

I’m not sure there is anything you can do.

I’m trying to put myself in your dw shoes. My marriage has its issues, and we have many rows and resolutions. But I’m not an ultimatum or threatening type of wife.

I can imagine that if we ever got the point where I asked for a divorce, then I don’t think I could turn back.

I married forever and if I asked for a divorce it would be because vows had been irreparably broken.

I would have too much self respect to give you the chance to put me through the ringer twice. And if I’d asked for divorce it would be because the trust was gone.

She looks fantastic, actually. I think the weight thing was a lot more about feeling a need to exert control than anything else. We were in a real ‘rut’ in that sense, but it was a lot to do with being flogged during the week and not having energy at all

Have you told her what you have just written?

@earlybyrd - Yes. None of it really seems to stick though. Just a lot of sad smiles and ‘it’s too late’

@nottaken - thank you. That’s very clear (and what I was hoping wasn’t the case!)

make just be seperated for a while and see what happens.

I think if she pushed this far she won't get back to what she had before.
I'm sure she's aware of what she leaves behind, it sounds likely that her life as it is is so bad she feels she has no other choice.
so if you go back be prepared to compromise big style, not fob her off, but really change.
you need to come up with solutions, don't expect her to find them for you, oh, and no excuses about the work, you always have a choice, and it's a matter of priorities. yours seem to be work and money first, are you willing to change that? if not, can you make her an offer that's good enough for her to stay?
good luck!

maybe not 'make'

I can see a lot of remorse from your perspective but I am also trying to see your wife's point of view too. Do you think it's possible that you have stopped making her feel like your wife? Instead she may have come to feel like a glorified housekeeper and childcare to your daughter. In addition to that she had had to listen to criticism about her weight and perhaps put up with a certain amount of moodiness from you because if your own job stresses.

Do you think she would try couples counselling- I know of a few couples who came back from the brink - you need to find a good one mind

If I asked for a divorce from my husband I would have checked out emotionally a long time ago. Criticism about her weight there wouldn't be coming back from that just as a man wouldn't be able to forget being told his penis was too small and couldn't satisfy. It leaves scars.

You need to be honest with her andI hope that she isn't a mumsnetter and you're hoping she'll see this because it would be game.over completely, the manipulation would leave a sour taste.

Ask to seperate, try and do the dating thing again if she's willing but dont pin your hopes on it. Concentrate on an amicable thing for the sake of your child.

It does sound like it’s too late. If you’ve really been as horrible to her as you describe for such a long time, I can’t see how the marriage is salvageable.

If you are genuinely remorseful, I think your best plan for the future is to be decent and fair during the divorce negotiations and resolve to be a better partner in any future relationship.

Thanks for sharing OP, its good to hear the other side occasionally .

My feeling is that if someone has got to the point where they are having the big conversation,well not even a conversation,more of a declaration, then they have been thinking and planning for a lot longer, explored all possible avenues and scenarios in their head and have canceled all those possibilities out.

You seem to have done what you thought best and what men traditionally believe their role is. Im not saying its all done but it does sound pretty terminal .

It possible of course that this is a last flag waving before the train departs but then again, would it be plastering over the cracks to try and rescue it?

By the time people get to this point, they usually have an exit strategy worked out. There may well be more enlightenment to come.

Thanks guys.

Yes, it’s definitely not a fob off type of change - if it even did happen I’m also not expecting it to take place over days, or even weeks - it feels like proving I’d actually made changes would be a matter of months or longer before/if she was ever to trust me again.

I’m really wary about moving out / separating as that just feels like a practice divorce. I also haven’t yet seen a lawyer (too shell shocked really), so am worried it might impact any eventual settlement if I’m seen to have moved out.

And I think I absolutely have treated her as childcare / housekeeping. I reasoned that it was because I was bringing most of the money in, and that I needed to do so without getting bogged down in admin to make sure I could carry on performing. In retrospect - wrong (and very selfish) answer

" I get that I’ve been a pretty awful husband, but on the other hand I’ve never so much as looked at another woman, don’t really drink or go out, and pay all my money straight into our mortgage. It just feels like although I’ve probably worn her down emotionally, I’m not the world’s biggest bstard."*

I really wouldn't go down that particular line of reasoning with her tbh. The "I'm pretty awful but at least I'm not as awful as some other husbands" will really not endear you to her at all. Paying your share of the bills and not cheating are the bare minimum that you should be doing, and not something to expect praise or a pat on the head for.

She's given you (in your own words) "very explicit signs" that she was not happy and you did nothing about it. She may well think that you are only willing to put the effort in now because this time it's your happiness that's being affected.

I think if you truly love her you should acknowledge that you took her for granted and blew a really good thing.

I think you should give her a divorce siting the reasons you have come to understand in your soul searching.

I think you should focus your efforts on being the best damn father you can be, and never prioritise career over your child in the way you did to your wife.

Be her friend. Bow out gracefully. You didn’t step up to the family when she needed it, but you can give her her freedom now she asks for it. You can coparent respectfully.

This is how you can make amends for your poor behaviour. I don’t think you can save your marriage - I think you had your chance to do that but the time has passed.

And yet you're still going to carry on being selfish by refusing to seperate in case you don't get as much as you think you deserve?

You can't live together while you 'prove yourself' OP. She'll end up hating you.

Maybe you should speak to a solicitor, she'll have probably already seen hers. I know I would.

Phew. Some tough messages to read here. Really appreciate the input though - easy to fall into the trap of thinking ‘logically it would make no sense to do this because a) your husband really HAS seen the light b) life will be so much tougher than before and c) it would be awful for our little one’ without realising that she has no reason to believe a), b) is moot because life’s been tough for her for ages and c) she’d rather take her away from this that watch her mummy and daddy have such an unhealthy relationship. I also don’t think I got how deep some of the scars you can leave with words are...

FWIW we have still been getting on GREAT while living together-but-separate for the last couple of weeks - lots of laughing, long chats (mostly her trying to understand where it all went wrong), which if anything just make it harder to understand.

No idea if she’s a mumsnetter or not - would rather she didn’t see me casting about for help/advice on the internet tbh!

Hang on, just because she has fired the starting gun, i am not sure there is any acrimony here, more a growing realization that has come to fruition. There is no reason for OP to move out. Why would he? no one hates each other here do they and no one is threatening anyone?