Wife has asked for a divorce

[Carrot09]

Hi all - long time lurker, first time poster. It’d be great to get a woman’s perspective on my marriage (I don’t really have any close female friends/relatives who I’d want to unload this on...!)

A couple of weeks ago, my wife sat me down and told me we were getting a divorce. At first, I assumed it was something we could talk about; it rapidly became clear that she was adamant. I did the usual (I assume) - cried, pleaded, all a bit undignified!

In all honesty, things haven’t been good for a while. There haven’t been many big set piece arguments, but we’ve been going through the motions really. I’ve also been very irritable/snappy and critical for a while (including of her weight).

Having really sat down and thought about it, I think the main reason for this - frankly sh*t - behaviour is that I’ve been completely wrapped up/stressed by work for years now - it pays well, but takes over my entire week and great chunks of the weekend, so I don’t really ever contribute much around the house. That’s left to my wife (who also works full time, albeit in a less intense industry). We have a two year old daughter, and while I do loads on weekends, I have to admit I’m not really present on the weekdays.

I must admit I’m struggling at the moment - we have a lovely life (materially anyway), and it feels like there’s a lot to throw away. I get that I’ve been a pretty awful husband, but on the other hand I’ve never so much as looked at another woman, don’t really drink or go out, and pay all my money straight into our mortgage. It just feels like although I’ve probably worn her down emotionally, I’m not the world’s biggest b*stard.

What do you think - I will throw anything at it to save this marriage (though I’ve probably never looked much like I cared). Do wives who’re pushed this far just tend to make their minds up, or is there anything I can do to drag this back from the brink?

has any one got any advice please.my wife left me in March this year.she had called police upto 6 times between 1st Jan and middle of February.she has got depression had it for 20 years.had to go to court for a non molestation order against me.no problem with that.today received a letter from her solicitor saying my wife has arranged for 3 estate agents to come and price up our bungalow.and a divorce letter is on its way.can she force a sale before divorce.no children at home both married.

I'm now on anti depressants and have been for 3 months.got therapy next week.I gave up work last year to become her carer.for her depression and mobility.she became very controlling about 5 years ago.she has not contacted our grown up children or grand children.please.never even told them she was going.I will never forgive her for that.

1959 you need to start your own thread, replied get lost on someone else's.

thanks new to this

Carrot, when I decided there was no turning back for me but your wife may be different. Also our children asked me to divorce their father too.

First try to find out if the decision is made on her side. then as you want to stay married try counselling with her if she agrees to it.

Aks her if there is anything you can do that would change her mind eg you give up all work or you go part time or you work away in the week or you allow her to work away in the week whilst you manage the childcare arrangements at home and children's washing etc etc.

if she is going ahead then see a solicitor, don't move out, maximise your time with the children and take advice now on how you can each buy/own a home after a divorce.

Show her the thread!

I think you should show her the thread. At least she would know these things then.

It would be lovely if she had something left to try again. But maybe she just doesn't.

Thought I’d provide an update since you’d a been so helpful. It seems like there was a 50/50 split between those ppl saying it was done, and those who said there might be another chance with some seriously hard work and proper change. That seems to be how it’s worked out IRL as well.

As suggested by some of you, I sat her down and we had the calm version of the talk we’d had straight after she said she wanted a divorce. I explained how I felt, admitted I’d been a really, really sh*tty DH, and that she’d done the right thing (all of which is true, btw). I also asked whether we could go to counselling together.

I think she was more receptive than she’d been previously. Probably because I was a lot calmer. Also it turns out this was the same day as she’d filled out the petition(?). She didn’t say yes to the counselling, but asked for time and space to think about it, and the whole thing. She also said she wouldn’t go ahead with the petition without us speaking again.

I think it’s probably the best result I could have hoped for for now, given how much of a f*cking idiot I’ve been. Am totally ready for her to keep going through the process anyway. I’ve been doing lots of reading and apparently men not really understanding what’s going on until the last minute is common. No excuse obviously, but it seems to happen a lot.

Anyway, there we have it. Thx again for all the input.

That sounds good. In that case I think you are going to have to make sure you really do change. My ex asked how he could change (although he then turned every one of those discussions into how bad I was which was pretty counter productive as I wanted the divorce and he didn't) but then didn't change in any way other than ridiculous things - somethine he had been too harsh with the children so he went over the top in a ridiculous way like letting them buy any toy they wanted or buying them 10x the number of sweets they asked for - really weird - I had never wanted him to be like that, just not to be so awful to them they petitioned me to divorce him!

This might be worth listening to:

(Esther Perel The Future of Love)

OP I am a woman main bread winner in a very, verynsimilar position. In fact I could have written your post (adding in that I am menopausal and had ptsd after having our dd who is now 6)

DH told me mid May we are separating and I am mortified. He's still here.

I should have read the thread as I missed your update!

I haven't properly sat dh down to apologise and ask for a chance because I am still very very emotional. But I am working up to it. I have been in individual counselling and I want us to try couples counselling again

Good luck op, I wish you the best.

Thanks for your perspective Redbus; I agree that space is probably the best bet, and more to the point what she deserves. Work have helpfully sent me away to a branch away from home Monday and Tuesday nights, which probably helps a bit.

Because it’s rubbish when people ask for advice on the web then vanish when it’s been given, I thought I’d provide a bit of an update. Still no petition, but I’m sure there will be one at some point and am prepared for it. My wife still talks quite matter of factly about divorce, which hurts quite a bit, because I’m not as far along as she is, but I guess it’s a kind of catch up for the hurt and damage I’ve caused. We’re getting on brilliantly, but I don’t want to read too much into that. I’m making sure I pitch in and do my bit at home, and with my daughter, too.

On myself, I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and a lot of talking - way, way more than I ever have done in the past, and this is including to a professional. Some of this has revealed that you would probably term the irritability, snapping and so on as a kind of emotional abuse. I never, ever, thought this would be me, and it’s shocked me to my core - in fact, without being too graphic about it I actually threw up after reading it. I have really, really screwed up here.

I think that’s more or less it. Thanks again all for your advice and views.

So the petition has landed - well done to those who guessed right, I guess! I obviously won’t be contesting any of it.

Things are great at home - we are laughing and joking around a lot and spending a lot of time together with our DD, which is a bit confusing. Is it common for things to be so good at home during a divorce?! I am making sure I contribute properly with my DD, too, on the weekends and the weekdays I am not away with work.

My wife is going all the way on this I think - she talks about the next steps of getting the decree nisi quite matter of factly - but also says things like ‘if we spent a few years apart we could start it all again’, which I just don’t get - is she just trying to keep it amicable?!

Any views?

To OP

If your wife has applied for a divorce only she can rescind it. Likewise courts are unlikely to reject her application.

Best way forward is to agree a settlement jointly and avoid legal costs if you can. If legal do become involved make sure you are both upfront when they start asking for financial disclosure.

If one or both start to turn the divorce into a contest the Legal costs will soon add up and there will less for the two partners.

Thanks @Missedtheboat. She isn’t going to rescind by the looks of it. I hope we can avoid lawyers too, though I guess I will have to go and see one now - apparently I’ve only got 8 days to respond to this petition! I suppose the 30 min/1h free consultations a lot of them are offering are more to do with telling you about the process than checking over a petition for whether it’s fair/accurate etc?

Just a little addition. I could have married a man who was a high earner, but I didn't. I married a man who never had a pot to piss in but who adored me and his DC and was my full partner in everything. For me that is what a happy marriage is about. He died prematurely, but I'll always be grateful for the 17 years we had.

You've had all the wrong priorities. But you're really trying to change. Whether that salvages your marriage is moot. It will, however, ensure that you move forward better equipped for happiness in the future.

Unfortunately in my experience men usually do not twig what is going on until it is far too late.
This will have been going on for a very long time, usually the good outweighs the bad for ages then very gradually the bad begins to outweigh the good until it is too late.
To criticise your wife's weight is an unforgivable sin in my book, I divorced my last husband because of it, also underestimating your wife's working day. How do you know she isn't stressed. After all she is responsible for everything in the week including youre child.
Unfortunately by the time a woman feels unhappy enough to ask for a divorce it is too late, she will have put up with the situation for a very long time and this is almost always the point of no return.
Maybe try listening a bit more and being less critical next time, a woman will always stay with a man who tells her she is wonderful and attractive no matter what the other circumstances.
try and have an easy divorce that doesn't destrou your child, that is the least you can do.

OP - has she met someone else?

I don’t think so. But hard to tell. There’s been no furtive texting or anything and she still leaves her phone around all the time (as I’ve always done mine). She’s been very upfront about both of us being able to see other people though. It feels quick, but guess that’s where we are now.

It seems very strange that there is an immediate 'separation' without you really knowing/ without something going on behind the scenes whilst you have been working...? Or an influential friend? I understand you have been snappy, nor you etc we can all be like that with long term stress but what has her behaviour been like?
There could be a mutual 'phone ban' whilst you are around as you are out of the house so much? I don't know - something doesn't add up/sit well for me here. Seems very irrational and immediate "I've come to this decision and there is no other way" on her part.

You also seem quite passive with it and happy to go along with it.
What's at stake here - your house and pension?

You might want to start being on your guard / investigating further.. I'm not trying to be cynical - just doesn't add up for me. Sorry.

Thanks @ironneon. You may be right, but it’s very hard to say. I don’t feel like I can really make demands like a phone ban - she has made it clear we will be divorced soon and so I’m not sure anything I say carries much weight any more. Her behaviour in the marriage was not as bad as mine, but she but wasn’t what you’d call a shrinking violet either, and often have as good as she got. She has two or three very close female friends but says neither of them have really been involved in her decision, which I find kind of difficult to believe.

In all honesty I’m finding the whole cohabitation thing very confusing, and have had to start taking myself away from the house during the weekends even though it cuts down on time with DD. I just can’t reconcile playing at ‘happy families’ and feeding the ducks together, or having long chats about our days, when I’ve also been served with a petition for divorce. It also makes me wonder how bad I could really have been if she now wants to spend all this time with me. I don’t know - bit lost I guess.

@Carrot09 - what's the plan then? Will you get your own place? Have you looked at finances?