Do you love your ex?

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

Just that really, particularly if he’s the father of your kids? Despite everything do you still have a piece of your heart for him?

[Happynewlife]

I should imagine most ex couples would cease contact as much as possible when the kids are grown up, bar weddings etc. I certainly will.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

How old are your kids @Happynewlife? My DSC are teens, one early one late.

[Supa3girl]

He was unfaithful.

Treated me more terrible than you can envision.

He's began being decent as of late.

Regardless I adore him with everything that is in me.

[Happynewlife]

I also have two teens so Hopefully I won’t have to deal with him for too much longer.

Or hear how wonderful his life is (via them) and all his new expensive toys whilst I have to buy and do all the boring/routine stuff for the kids the vast majority of the time and yet be called lazy for not working full time by him. He has no idea what proper parenting involves. Ha ha, rant over.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

You don’t have to deal with him at all....

[Happynewlife]

I do at the moment when we need to sort things out to do with the kids. Their needs come before mine or his. We’re the adults. Doesn’t mean it’s not difficult though.

[Worlds0kayestmum]

No, even seeing his name flash up on my phone gives me acute anxiety. I cannot stand him

[RamsayBoltonsConscience]

Absolutely not!

[TryingToForgeAnewLife]

I don't know. We split up just over a year ago when l found out about the OW. Been together 20 years. Two children.

I don't know if l love him or not still. Not sure if l even know what love is. I was uphappy in our marriage for a long time and l haven't been that upset that he's gone. Maybe I never did love him.

How do l know if l do or not?

[didsomeonesaybunny]

Yes, I still love my ex very much and more so because I’m having his baby. I do think it dissipates over time though.

[Notbeingrobbed]

No. He is an utter tosser.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

Interesting point that you need to sort things with the kids and therefore contact is still essential. I would have thought that teenagers are more tech savvy and able to communicate than most adults and if a divorce is finalised then all financial issues are resolved. Apart from an occasional holiday or unique situation where childcare arrangements may alter I wouldn’t have thought much interaction between split parents is required? Perhaps I’m missing something fairly major??

[Happynewlife]

No, not a lot of contact is needed between parents when the children are older, but that’s not to say that there is none. Just because teenagers are able to communicate directly themselves there are some issues which the other parent needs to be made aware of for the benefit of the child, ie they are being bullied at school, is having pmt issues so is more fragile than usual, that sort of thing.

I’d think it a pretty bad job if two people who made kids together couldn’t at least pass this sort of thing on to each other post split, and if a new partner felt threatened by it they really should take a long, hard look in the mirror.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

I don’t think a new partner would be threatened by a very ex wife who is very out of the picture and who clings onto the contact via a very feeble and lame excuse.

[Happynewlife]

No I’m sure you’re right. So what’s your issue?

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

No issues, simply a curiosity into the mind of a bitter woman, unable to let go of the past, despite many protestations to the contrary (too many to be believable). Personalities are fascinating. If she was the strong, happy independent woman she claims to be, why has she made the choices she has - tied to a man who emotionally abused her and Made her life such a misery? Interest and a morbid curiosity.

[Happynewlife]

So this is your partners ex-wife you are talking about? Who has told you he emotionally abused her and made her life a misery? Does this not worry you?

If this is the case then I suggest you read up on emotional abuse pretty quickly. How it creeps up on you insidiously, the boiled frog analogy, living in Fog (fear, obligation, guilt) - particularly when you have children and are trapped through lack of finances. Your self-esteem is rock bottom and leaving is pretty terrifying when it means leaving your home and breaking up the family. Everybody else thinks he’s a lovely guy....

I have been there. It took me several years to get out. I am bitter about how he treated me and how he treats his new partner so much better. Hopefully he has learnt from me leaving but I don’t think a leopard changes his spots.

We were together many years, like any abuse you don’t get over it easily. But I am genuinely, 100% much happier now than I was for far too long with him. I am free to do what I want, live where I want, buy what I want, get a pet. Etc etc etc. I am fabulously happy, honestly.

If you are referring to your partner’s ex-wife/future husband please be very, very careful. I was happy for the first few years else I wouldn’t have married him. Then when he had me he changed. It’s not uncommon sadly.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

You make my point so well. If she was subject to emotional abuse as you describe, why then would she choose to still be tied to him for very much longer than necessary rather than finding a job and making her own way? This is an issue quite different to the usual child maintenance.

I’m not entirely sure he did what he’s accused of - how would anyone really know what Goes on inside a marriage, but If he did the things she accuses him of then her behaviour now doesn’t quite add up.

My relationship with DP is borne from both of us being in unhappy marriages and knowing what we want from our marriage. It would be nice to be left to get on with our lives without this woman refusing to understand she is the past and she should really let go and be the happy independent woman she proclaims to be to the outside world. As I said earlier it’s intriguing as there is no threat whatsoever. It’s only the injustice of the lies SD is spreading that makes a sour taste.

[Happynewlife]

This sounds like a complicated situation very particular to you. You say why does she choose to be tied to him for much longer than necessary. I presume you mean spousal maintenance or some such? This isn’t being tied to them, it’s a financial transaction agreed by a judge relating to their former marriage, not a love letter. Don’t read anything into it.

I have had to search back for your post about your sd spreading lies about you and can’t see how this involves the ex-wife. It seems like you are reading an awful lot into it. Maybe you are the one who needs to let go and not worry about her so much and concentrate on your wedding instead.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

It's not very complicated - I fail to understand why a woman who claims to be happily independent is nothing of the sort. My divorce solicitor suggested I make a claim for spousal maintenance from my much higher earning ex-husband. I weighed this up against the fact I would be spending his money, I'd be "tied" to him for several years, it would have a deciding factor on my future relationships (in that I couldn't remarry and continue to receive payment) and decided that building a career for myself and earning my own money was much more preferable. The children are of an age where they can (and often are) left to look after themselves for a period that would accommodate normal working hours.

On lying SD issue - the feedback we're receiving is that the mother is very much involved. She is coaxing/encouraging bad mouthing. It's OK though, we're adults and we know this is going on so we adapt. It's unfortunate that this means SD is missing out on things we probably would have been doing, days out, meals, etc as I prefer to not be around her, but that's the choice she made when she started playing silly games.

[SoyDora]

The fact is though, you don’t need to understand it. She obviously thinks/sees things differently to you, and that’s fine. There’s no obligation on her to think or feel a particular way just because you think she should.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

If you read the thread you’ll see I totally understand the point you’ve made and it’s not about that!!

[headinhands]

Nope. Really really no. He's an ex for a reason.

[betrayedandwobbly]

I still love the person I thought he was, and who he so nearly was, and who he threw away the chance to become again.

Which still leaves me with all sorts of ishoos, which is why I'm not ready to date again.

But for the first time in years, I've noticed someone edging towards being flirty with me. So perhaps I am ready to date again. I do miss being in a relationship, and that if course then all muddles in thoughts of what marriage was like. But there's nothing like finding a new love for forgetting all traces of the old one!

[headinhands]

that doesnt mean I dont care about the people I have loved in my life very deeply.

It might be different if the ex was a good person during the relationship and the break up. But if your ex was horrible I think you're just too relieved to have them out of your life after enough time has moved on.

I don't wish any ill will on my horrid exes, but neither do I care for them. I just feel detached. And I'm glad about that.