Do you love your ex?

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

Just that really, particularly if he’s the father of your kids? Despite everything do you still have a piece of your heart for him?

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

@SoyDora - I may be paranoid, but I may also be correct. There are a lot of ex-wives on here, but there are rather a lot of coincidences here, rather too many. I hope i'm wrong.

[Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse]

This just got cringe

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

No, utter dick. Can't believe the person he's turned into.

[SoyDora]

Are you accusing Happynewlife of being your partners ex wife? Paranoid much?

[Happynewlife]

There are rather a lot of ex-wives on here funnily enough. My ex got married a couple of years ago so I really don’t think I am who you think I am, but if it makes you happy to think so then carry on. 😹. Hope you have a lovely wedding and happy married life.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

P.S. I think this has gone far enough now, I worked out who you were very early in this thread.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

How ironic, step mums are very easily disliked, the hard work often goes unnoticed. I wouldn't take too much notice of what a teenage girl says about a parent/step parent, I hear all the time how my SD's mum is "hated", I take little notice.

[Happynewlife]

Again, she is your fiances ex-wife. She is not a threat to you so why does all this matter? It seems you are looking for problems and stress.

Concentrate on the future you have together and stop being bitchy about your step-kids mum. Interestingly this is one of the many reasons my daughter dislikes her step-mum. She has over-heard her bad-mouthing me, much as you are doing here. Daughters can be very loyal to their mums.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

The glaring difference to me is clear - i'm a grafter and she is happy to accept handouts from an ex that isn't all that keen on her (understatement of the century). She's happy to live off others and blame everyone else for her own bone idle attitude to everything. Even her own son knows what she is.

I feel sorry for the kids too, but for very different reasons. I don't clearly dislike them, but I do think they have traits from her that are deeply unpleasant. Laziness being the most obvious one!

Step son was the one who told us that step daughter was gleefully spreading lies and ex-wife was enjoying it. So either way one of the kids is lying.

[Happynewlife]

The glaring difference between you and the ex wife is that she has brought up two kids and you haven’t. The advice from the two solicitors re spousal support was bound to be very different. You need to accept this or it will eat you up in jealousy and/or bitterness.

Re your partners daughter. Who knows what is really going on? How do you know the ex is coaxing or encouraging the bad mouthing? Somebody is out to cause trouble and may well be lying about it, just like you say the daughter is lying about you.

It sounds a real mess but most of all I feel sorry for the kids. You are an adult, you need to grow up and have a bit of empathy for the kids stuck visiting their dad and somebody who clearly dislikes them. Stop worrying about the ex-wife. The clue is in the ex.

[0ccamsRazor]

My dh and I both could not give a fuck about our ex's. Both are textbook narcs and we joke that they would have been perfect for each other!

It has been a long hard road recovering from our previous relationships, both my xh and his xw were abusive, his still is, so he is as low contact as possible with her.

We are just greatful to have found each other and to have a good, solid and loving relationship.

[MaryandMichael]

Happily, no. He's been dead three years, though, and when I heard he was dying, I was really shaken up for about a fortnight. We split up in 1986.

[betrayedandwobbly]

Sorry, missed a bit out of that post by mistake - it was meant to link it to your question about choosing to remain 'tied' to someone who has treated you appallingly. And I think it's because it can take ages (years) for the person you thought they were to ebb, and the process by which is does can be painful in itself, and takes as long as it takes. If cannot be hurried. And if there are DC to continue, cold turkey isn't an available option.

I am seeking spousal maintenance as part of overall settlement, and given my age and our history, it is likely it will be granted for the few years until pensions (also to be divvied up) start paying out. his peooek see settlements, and what is fair for any particular separating couple is too individual and specific to generalise about.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

I think women as a whole are a caring bunch (huge sweeping generalisation) and despite what happens we tend to remember the good bits. Time is a great healer.

[Icklepickle101]

I’m not sure I ‘love’ him still but there’s part of me that cares very very deeply for him despite all the bad things he did to me.

[headinhands]

that doesnt mean I dont care about the people I have loved in my life very deeply.

It might be different if the ex was a good person during the relationship and the break up. But if your ex was horrible I think you're just too relieved to have them out of your life after enough time has moved on.

I don't wish any ill will on my horrid exes, but neither do I care for them. I just feel detached. And I'm glad about that.

[betrayedandwobbly]

I still love the person I thought he was, and who he so nearly was, and who he threw away the chance to become again.

Which still leaves me with all sorts of ishoos, which is why I'm not ready to date again.

But for the first time in years, I've noticed someone edging towards being flirty with me. So perhaps I am ready to date again. I do miss being in a relationship, and that if course then all muddles in thoughts of what marriage was like. But there's nothing like finding a new love for forgetting all traces of the old one!

[headinhands]

Nope. Really really no. He's an ex for a reason.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

If you read the thread you’ll see I totally understand the point you’ve made and it’s not about that!!

[SoyDora]

The fact is though, you don’t need to understand it. She obviously thinks/sees things differently to you, and that’s fine. There’s no obligation on her to think or feel a particular way just because you think she should.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

It's not very complicated - I fail to understand why a woman who claims to be happily independent is nothing of the sort. My divorce solicitor suggested I make a claim for spousal maintenance from my much higher earning ex-husband. I weighed this up against the fact I would be spending his money, I'd be "tied" to him for several years, it would have a deciding factor on my future relationships (in that I couldn't remarry and continue to receive payment) and decided that building a career for myself and earning my own money was much more preferable. The children are of an age where they can (and often are) left to look after themselves for a period that would accommodate normal working hours.

On lying SD issue - the feedback we're receiving is that the mother is very much involved. She is coaxing/encouraging bad mouthing. It's OK though, we're adults and we know this is going on so we adapt. It's unfortunate that this means SD is missing out on things we probably would have been doing, days out, meals, etc as I prefer to not be around her, but that's the choice she made when she started playing silly games.

[Happynewlife]

This sounds like a complicated situation very particular to you. You say why does she choose to be tied to him for much longer than necessary. I presume you mean spousal maintenance or some such? This isn’t being tied to them, it’s a financial transaction agreed by a judge relating to their former marriage, not a love letter. Don’t read anything into it.

I have had to search back for your post about your sd spreading lies about you and can’t see how this involves the ex-wife. It seems like you are reading an awful lot into it. Maybe you are the one who needs to let go and not worry about her so much and concentrate on your wedding instead.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

You make my point so well. If she was subject to emotional abuse as you describe, why then would she choose to still be tied to him for very much longer than necessary rather than finding a job and making her own way? This is an issue quite different to the usual child maintenance.

I’m not entirely sure he did what he’s accused of - how would anyone really know what Goes on inside a marriage, but If he did the things she accuses him of then her behaviour now doesn’t quite add up.

My relationship with DP is borne from both of us being in unhappy marriages and knowing what we want from our marriage. It would be nice to be left to get on with our lives without this woman refusing to understand she is the past and she should really let go and be the happy independent woman she proclaims to be to the outside world. As I said earlier it’s intriguing as there is no threat whatsoever. It’s only the injustice of the lies SD is spreading that makes a sour taste.

[Happynewlife]

So this is your partners ex-wife you are talking about? Who has told you he emotionally abused her and made her life a misery? Does this not worry you?

If this is the case then I suggest you read up on emotional abuse pretty quickly. How it creeps up on you insidiously, the boiled frog analogy, living in Fog (fear, obligation, guilt) - particularly when you have children and are trapped through lack of finances. Your self-esteem is rock bottom and leaving is pretty terrifying when it means leaving your home and breaking up the family. Everybody else thinks he’s a lovely guy....

I have been there. It took me several years to get out. I am bitter about how he treated me and how he treats his new partner so much better. Hopefully he has learnt from me leaving but I don’t think a leopard changes his spots.

We were together many years, like any abuse you don’t get over it easily. But I am genuinely, 100% much happier now than I was for far too long with him. I am free to do what I want, live where I want, buy what I want, get a pet. Etc etc etc. I am fabulously happy, honestly.

If you are referring to your partner’s ex-wife/future husband please be very, very careful. I was happy for the first few years else I wouldn’t have married him. Then when he had me he changed. It’s not uncommon sadly.

[Weddingplanningandlovingit]

No issues, simply a curiosity into the mind of a bitter woman, unable to let go of the past, despite many protestations to the contrary (too many to be believable). Personalities are fascinating. If she was the strong, happy independent woman she claims to be, why has she made the choices she has - tied to a man who emotionally abused her and Made her life such a misery? Interest and a morbid curiosity.