I am just a chattel

[ginnyweeze]

The advice I am getting from divorce lawyers is making me feel like little more than a chattel. Whatever I have earned is irrelevant, the reasons for the divorce are irrelevant. Everything is split 50:50 with my ex - even if I earned more like 70:30 of it. This is because once married everything is a joint possession and there is no way you can keep your own earnings for yourself.

Surely I cannot be the only woman in Britain who is the main but not sole breadwinner and who is divorcing her husband for unreasonable behaviour?

The children only want to live with me, we need the house yet apparently the “need” of my husband for a home is paramount. I’m told a one bedroom flat would not be good enough for him - yet why would one man who will not have his kids to stay need more?

I don’t think I’m misunderstanding the situation. My life is maybe ahead of the curve but there are many more in my situation. In 15-20 years there will be some sort of “truth and reconciliation” commission looking at this and making compensation.

I am being preyed on by a parasite. Am I the only one angry about this?

I don't think it's doubted that OP's husband has done something heinous but her rude, arrogant and aggressive manner on here is not warranted. I imagine if her role was reversed then she'd be on here crying that it was unfair that her husband was fighting against her getting her fair share of the marital assets.

Oh yes, you're right SGB. I'd missed that - perhaps not surprisingly, as it is almost a passing comment within OP's seventh para. Almost everything before that was about money. But yes, sorry OP.

My response though is more to the attempt to make such a general point, about all women. Arguing with people who can see why the law has to be a bit general, in order to encompass and deal 'fairly enough' with a huge range of very different individual circumstances.

So what I see here is an attempt to generalise the particular, which doesn't work. But no one disagreeing that the particular is awful.

I do also see someone whose response to others not immediately agreeing with her is to rant at them, dismiss them and question their motivation, rather than to listen, reflect and choose the best course of action for her, from the available options. If carried into real life that approach is not going to work in her best interests.

This isn’t particularly charitable but it seems the OP’s attitude may not be a recent thing.

It must be exhausting to feel that everything is so unjust.

Exactly what I was thinking!

Just found one of OP's post from 2008 where she says her husband picks up the kids from school and she feels guilty for not being there to cook dinner and do bath time etc so he's hardly sat on his arse doing nothing has he?!

And more posts about various injustices. Chip on your shoulder OP?

Why do you think the marriage rates have fallen so much in recent decades and that men are now refusing to marry? It's just such an incredibly bad deal all round. You can have a loving, committed relationship with children without putting your neck on the block financially. I have been married.....never again!!! I shall also be telling my two boys never to marry unless the laws are changed. The whole divorce proceedings need to be reworked too. It should be entirely possible to get a no-fault divorce, that both parties agree to (Ie amicable) and be processed in a timely manner without the lengthy back and forth as long as a judge talks to both parties and agrees with the arrangement they're making (negotiated with lawyers). The whole process is very antiquated and out of date. Luckily my own divorce was totally amicable so I didn't have any of the OP's stress.

We do need some changes. It's not possible in England and Wales to get a no fault divorce in less than 2 years, so the reality is that sometimes people just lie. If a couple are on decent terms one of them petitions on the grounds of adultery, whether there was any or not, and the other one doesn't defend.

At a minimum the separation with agreement period should be reduced to 1 year. That would be a start.

I agree that the splitting up of assets is completely unfair. Some people think it's as simple as kicking their partner out if they feel they don't want to be married to them any more. And said person has to go and find a miserable hovel to live in while other partner stays on in the home paid for quite possibly by evicted person. I've seen some really entitled bad attitudes on here. I wouldn't want my sons to be fleeced by a woman any more than I'd want my daughter to be fleeced by a man.

how did you get on Ginnyweeze?
Im in a very similar situation to you

Me too. My ex has behaved despicably (think big offence not leaving the toilet seat up). His reward is to claim half my pension and possibly savings since our split while I raise our young DC alone. Marriage does not protect everyone and if I could have predicted this mess (my life was dismantled round me in the space of a couple of hours) I'd never have done it. I feel the OP's rage I really do. It's not about equality because I bet very few men who pay their ex wife a generous settlement are left a totally lone parent.