I am just a chattel

[ginnyweeze]

The advice I am getting from divorce lawyers is making me feel like little more than a chattel. Whatever I have earned is irrelevant, the reasons for the divorce are irrelevant. Everything is split 50:50 with my ex - even if I earned more like 70:30 of it. This is because once married everything is a joint possession and there is no way you can keep your own earnings for yourself.

Surely I cannot be the only woman in Britain who is the main but not sole breadwinner and who is divorcing her husband for unreasonable behaviour?

The children only want to live with me, we need the house yet apparently the “need” of my husband for a home is paramount. I’m told a one bedroom flat would not be good enough for him - yet why would one man who will not have his kids to stay need more?

I don’t think I’m misunderstanding the situation. My life is maybe ahead of the curve but there are many more in my situation. In 15-20 years there will be some sort of “truth and reconciliation” commission looking at this and making compensation.

I am being preyed on by a parasite. Am I the only one angry about this?

"Trying to drum up business?"

How does someone posting anonymously drum up business for their RL practice?

I get the need to vent, but I don't think it's being particularly heoful for you, as it's leading you to sound increasingly wound up, not better for it.

And I'm not trying to drum up business. What a silly thing to say. I've as much right being on here as a non-lawyer and no hidden agenda. MN is fun and often very interesting. Where I have something to say that I think adds to the thread I will. But you don't want help, you just want to rail against the world. Frankly, and I really don't mean to be harsh but I have to say it given your last few posts, I would never want to drum up business from a client like you who evidently just won't listen. So I'm out. Good luck and I genuinely mean that. Don't decide you're never having another relationship, or that you'll be warning your children. Don't allow this to define you or them.

And I'm not trying to drum up business. What a silly thing to say. I've as much right being on here as a non-lawyer and no hidden agenda. MN is fun and often very interesting. Where I have something to say that I think adds to the thread I will. But you don't want help, you just want to rail against the world. Frankly, and I really don't mean to be harsh but I have to say it given your last few posts, I would never want to drum up business from a client like you who evidently just won't listen. So I'm out. Good luck and I genuinely mean that. Don't decide you're never having another relationship, or that you'll be warning your children. Don't allow this to define you or them.

And I'm not trying to drum up business. What a silly thing to say. I've as much right being on here as a non-lawyer and no hidden agenda. MN is fun and often very interesting. Where I have something to say that I think adds to the thread I will. But you don't want help, you just want to rail against the world. Frankly, and I really don't mean to be harsh but I have to say it given your last few posts, I would never want to drum up business from a client like you who evidently just won't listen. So I'm out. Good luck and I genuinely mean that. Don't decide you're never having another relationship, or that you'll be warning your children. Don't allow this to define you or them.

Oh god sorry I have no idea why that posted 3 times!

Sorry, I know I said I was leaving but I've just read your comment on uni fees.
You could argue these should be ringfenced before the 50:60 split. At least that way XH is paying "his" half.

You are not 'ahead of the curve'. You are in the same situation many men have been in for many decades. Many of them are bitter and voluble too.

The difference might be that most non-WAH women with children have actively undertaken the SAHM role, so forgone career opportunities to support the family. But, there will be women who have enjoyed a life of leisure, with nannies, cleaners etc or who have been as crap as your 'D'H sounds, for one reason or another. They will do just as well out of divorce as your DH will.

So I don't see sexism here, on the face of it. I see someone who made bad decisions over many years - to facilitate the useless husband - and is now surprised to find that those decisions, combined with the length of time you allowed the situation to continue for, have consequences.

If he was emotionally abusing the DC, why didn't you get him out earlier? I can understand you choosing to play the martyr and facilitate his crapness, for an easier life than challenging him might have allowed, or to allow him an opportunity to change, in the short term. But if he was actively causing harm, that's quite different.

*50:50

Uni fees advice is helpful at least.

I didn’t realise the behaviour was so bad until I found out what was happening. Have you never been deceived?

Both kids will need money for uni for years ahead. I was saving and planning for that. He wasn’t.

Ever heard of the gender pay gap? I have juggler my life for my kids.

Op perhaps you can adopt all the tactics that men in a similar position take. Morally of course it’s deplorable, but my experience is the court does absolutely nothing about it.

Top tips from my STBXH;
-Hide bonuses.
-Refuse to fully disclose in Form E.
-Spend all marital savings.
-Rack up over 130k in debts.
-Refuse to get illiquid assets of circa 1mil. valued.
-If all else fails, get yourself sacked from your 6 figure job. Therefore no income, no mortgage capacity, no child maintenance.
-Set yourself up as self employed or a director to massage your earnings to avoid spousal or child maintenance.

In all seriousness, your ex sounds like a twat. Pay him off and move on happily with your life.

I had some inheritance which I was using for my son's 6th form fees.
This was ring-fenced during financial matters.

Thanks for the advice about fees. He is a twat. I can’t just let this go but at least the kids and I are happier together.

He is a twat

You both seem to be dicks to be honest

Op

Your savings

Pay uni fees quickly
Pay off your mortgage
Buy a flat in your sons uni town so he doesn’t need to pay rent?
Put a lump sum into your pension
Put the uni fees for your daughter in a trust

This will reduce what you will need to pay

It’s ok to make provision for your kids

Do it now whilst it comes out of the divorce pot!

Pay off car loan? Or any finance

likely OP doing all this moving of money will come to light in the financial resolution process. While it may all be above board, just because it's not right there in the divorce pot doesn't mean it won't be taken into account as an asset of the marriage.

Had sympathy right up until you slagged off autism. Was going to offer advice. But no, fuck it.

It's a starting point if 50/50 for marital
Assets but if he's not having the kids at all then you won't be paying him maintenance and it can be proven he doesn't need a family house. Get yourself a decent lawyer.
I can see how it feels unfair that you have done all the work and he will now get the benefits, pension especially probably seems a slap in the face, but there is an element of 'you made the choice to marry him, and stay with him, and allow him to contribute less and this is the result'.

On the bright side going forwards you have made a different choice-good for you!

Making provision for the kids is ok. Uni fees will be ok?

I can’t see a judge saying otherwise, especially if it was always in the pipeline

I didn’t mean to offend autistic people or their families. I may be autistic myself.

Why wouldn’t I like the advice? Because it may be correct but the law is unjust. I want justice. Mother’s For Justice has a ring to it as a campaign, don’t you think?

If the pension is a dealbreaker, you could offer a bigger slice of the cash in exchange?

I agree with the legal advice that you've had that you're entitled to 50% of everything plus child maintenance for your younger child.

MN is often criticized for being too LTB but most of those people understand the futility and cost of dragging out a crappy situation so are warning others to prevent future heartbreak. When I read the Relationships board, there seems to be a lot of people putting up with terrible treatment because they think it's better for the family but everyone would be better off if the opposite were to happen.