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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I am just a chattel

162 replies

ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 00:50

The advice I am getting from divorce lawyers is making me feel like little more than a chattel. Whatever I have earned is irrelevant, the reasons for the divorce are irrelevant. Everything is split 50:50 with my ex - even if I earned more like 70:30 of it. This is because once married everything is a joint possession and there is no way you can keep your own earnings for yourself.

Surely I cannot be the only woman in Britain who is the main but not sole breadwinner and who is divorcing her husband for unreasonable behaviour?

The children only want to live with me, we need the house yet apparently the “need” of my husband for a home is paramount. I’m told a one bedroom flat would not be good enough for him - yet why would one man who will not have his kids to stay need more?

I don’t think I’m misunderstanding the situation. My life is maybe ahead of the curve but there are many more in my situation. In 15-20 years there will be some sort of “truth and reconciliation” commission looking at this and making compensation.

I am being preyed on by a parasite. Am I the only one angry about this?

OP posts:
AlphaApple · 28/03/2018 08:38

Sorry OP but your anger is misdirected. You made some bad choices (in good faith) and your H sounds like a cock.

But the law protects women (and men) who are the main carers of small children, who willingly fucked up their own careers to support their spouse, and who have a claim on the marital assets because of that.

Get a shit hot lawyer and fight for every last penny but don't blame marriage.

NoSquirrels · 28/03/2018 08:40

You could have left before now. You didn’t.

It sucks, but it is what it is.

How old is your DD at home?

notanurse2017 · 28/03/2018 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 08:40

Without the bad law that is marriage then my bad decision would have been my own affair.

We are brainwashed from an early age into believing it’s a good thing. My parents were happy together and I wanted to be like that. Instead I was trapped.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 28/03/2018 08:43

OP, you are in line for a really really expensive divorce if you carry on like this. I understand how unfair it feels but you need to listen to advice, not demand advice you like.

Obviously you need a solicitor you get on with, but please, listen to them. If you still disagree, get a conference with a barrister, and listen to them.

People in your mindset are a gift to crappy lawyers who will run up a massive bill "on your instructions" and then ditch you when it all turns to shit.

You can throw away tens of thousands fighting to no avail. Don't do it. Please.

Original poster
ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 08:43

DD is 14, DS is 18 - first year at uni. Regardless of law they will both be dependent on me for many more years.

I have restricted my career opportunities too to look after the children. I may earn the most but I could have earned MUCH MORE with the correct support from home.

OP posts:
PaulDacreRimsGeese · 28/03/2018 08:43

The children do come first and their need to be adequately housed is a priority, but that's if they're minors. It sounds like OPs kids may not be.

jkl0311 · 28/03/2018 08:44

You sound so so so bitter. If you were a man on here posting they would rip you into tiny shreds.
Take your big career head that's done it all single handed and anti marriage views some where else I bet your close friends and family think he's helped in some way, no one is super woman.
That bloke stood by you to go work "anti social" hours.... you call it lounging around but someone has to sit with those kids, so that deserves some credit. Where you a hen pecker by chance? You sound like you would pick fault?

Marriage is there to work as a team in love, finance and every aspect of a couples life, you sound like your missing the fundamentals, which is sharing and compromise.

Rudgie47 · 28/03/2018 08:44

I'm sympathetic but everyone knows all this before they get married. So if you dont agree with it then dont get married.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 28/03/2018 08:45

Oh sorry cross posted there OP. I agree the law is a bit behind on recognising that people are increasingly providing some form of support to children well into adulthood, even if that's only letting them stay living there and not paying full market rent.

TittyGolightly · 28/03/2018 08:45

You need to see a new lawyer. I went with my friend to get legal advice and she was told because she had a child who would live with her it should be a 60:40 split. And I sort of got the impression that if there’d been 2 children the recommendation would’ve been 70:30. Also, your STBXH should be paying you maintenance for the children.

The OP’s children aren’t young. One is at Uni - so very definitely an adult. Of course they aren’t considered!

Karigan1 · 28/03/2018 08:45

I know someone who quit their job when getting divorced and lived of savings during proceedings so that the ex couldn’t take 50%. She says it was hard for a few years but worth it as she kept her pension

reddressblueshoes · 28/03/2018 08:45

I don't think the message is don't get married, I think the message is get married but afterwards don't, married or otherwise, put up with a crap, unequal or abusive partner.

You say he was rubbish, didn't save, didn't contribute, etc etc. But realistically, you could be saying that now even if he sacrificed huge amounts to support you to earn and the family and was morally entitled to half of everything. The courts can't go back in time and examine who did what: they have to assume while you stayed married you were a family unit.

Being married means you're an equal team, getting divorced happens when that doesn't work any more and the 50/50 split reflects that assumption, with added protections for the main caregiver and/or lower earner. The problem you have is he was a shit partner for what sounds like your whole marriage and you feel that should be reflected in the settlement. It sounds v much like if you left when the children were ten years younger you'd have a v different split- the need for a family home is usually prioritised for the main cater- unless there are enough assets to provide for two- but if your children are adults as it sounds like that won't be on the table so much.

At various points, my husband has earned more or I have earned more. All assets are shared, we have a similar approach to savings and spending and make an equal contribution. I agree there will be fewer SAHPs as time goes on, none of my friends are, but almost all of them have the same relationship I describe, and I would hope if that relationship changed they'd know what they were exposing themselves to by staying. You are in a shit situation, but I'm really surprised you didn't assume at all points that a 50/50 split would be a starting point.

Original poster
ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 08:46

No, MrsBertBibby, I will not shut up and go away like a meek little girl. The fees charged by the lawyers are immoral and so is the law.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 28/03/2018 08:48

I'm not telling you to shut up. I am urging you to listen to advice, critically, but carefully.

noeffingidea · 28/03/2018 08:49

Good advice from MrsBertBibby. By all means seek a second opinion, or even a third, but if they all say more or less the same thing then accept that they know what they are talking about, and move on. Try and get the best settlement you can within those parameters.
And whinging about marriage as an institution is pointless. It's the same law for everyone. It's not especially shitty just for you.

MrsBertBibby · 28/03/2018 08:49

Or go it alone, of course. You don't need a lawyer, if you won't take advice There's no point paying one. At least then you'll save on fees,

NoSquirrels · 28/03/2018 08:52

You decided to stay in your marriage and the consequence is it is now financially “unfair” to you.

You can either get on board with the realities or continue to smart at the injustice. You won’t be able to change the law before your divorce goes through - and you don’t have a compelling case to do so anyway.

Original poster
ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 08:54

Maybe I just don’t get divorced. I hold onto my earnings and savings and he lives in a shitty bedsit. If he wants money he’d better agree a deal or I will simply sit here and never have any contact with him again. I can get a restraining order to keep him away from my daughter. He can get an order to get half the house but he can’t get my pension if I don’t sign. Is that a possibility?

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 28/03/2018 08:55

No. He can divorce you in your absence.

Original poster
ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 08:56

I put up with a shitty situation because I felt stability was important for the kids. I was so so stupid. Maybe I still am but I can’t give up everything I’ve worked for and just walk away.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 28/03/2018 08:57

How old are your children? It matters.

TheHumanMothboy · 28/03/2018 08:57

I appreciate I said it somewhat glibly, but what I meant was this: someone that is such a twat that they either don't want to see their children, or they have behaved in a manner that means they aren't allowed to see their children... then they don't become that twatty person overnight, there must have been some lead up, some indicators that they really aren't a decent person. I didn't realise your children were those ages, assumed they were younger, so I'm sorry, perhaps he did manage to hide what a wanker he was until you were already married?

FWIW, I think there's been some good advice on this thread, particularly mrsbb. You're angry, of course, but you need to listen to the advice of solicitors- they aren't promising the earth because they cannot win that for you. A mediator would be good, as you will hopefully then spend less on legal costs in the long run.
Don't rush this stage- give yourself time to think about what you want with a clear head.
But I agree- if you're having the children 100%, then 50/50 is not the starting position.

Original poster
ginnyweeze · 28/03/2018 08:59

Can I divorce in a US state? Some have a different idea of the split. The law on marriage is not the same worldwide.

OP posts:
PaulDacreRimsGeese · 28/03/2018 08:59

Depends how long you've been separated. Once you have been separated for 5 years, he can divorce you on those grounds whether you consent or not. For unreasonable behaviour, adultery or 2 years separation, you don't have to agree and you can contest it.

This is assuming you're in England and Wales.

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