The "in between bit"

[iamthrough]

Hi There, I've been lurking on here for a while but not posted before. Had had issues with my husband for a while now. (married 15 years) After trying to make it work for a while it's got to the point where I want to end it. I can project myself into the distant future and see myself happy in a house with our children (DD 8, DS 6) However I'm really struggling with this "in between phase" We have a house to sell - finances to sort out etc etc etc it seems the list is endless. neither of use can afford to rent anywhere until the house is sold and being under the same roof is proving impossible. Can some of you ladies who have been through this offer any words of support or advice as to how I get to the end of this rather bumpy road??

I've recently come to the end of this phase and looking back can't see how the hell I did it. But I did, and you will too. Baby steps, set yourself a little challenge then another one when that's complete, and hope time passes quickly for you. Oh, and wine!

I’m struggling a bit with it all too :(

I am also in that phase! OMG...it’s just painful isn’t it. We will get through this though and there is an end to all this pain. Stay strong!

@iamthrough .....similar situation, married 16yrs. Children 13 and10. We have to sell also but being under the same roof is just very difficult. Do your children know?

Hi All, Thanks for the supportive messages. Nice to know I'm not the only one struggling - but also feel for all of us who are - dreadful isn't it??
I've now arranged to stay away from home for some of the time - then at home also some - so we both have individual time with the kids - so yes they are aware. They have had their ups and downs but generally seem to be coping better than their parents TBH!! Good Luck to us all!

Hi. No advice but much sympathy as I am in a very similar situation. Trapped under the same roof with horrible atmosphere. Husband stalling the process as much as he can and playing the victim. Children clearly aware something is going on but have had no explanation as he refuses to present a united front - just wants to blame me for everything and paint me in the blackest light possible. It's unbearable and feels like it will go on forever.

I'm struggling with the in between bit too. Sorry to hear others are too but at the same time feel less alone.

My friends keep telling me I'm coping amazingly well with having him ignoring me loudly from the spare bedroom, eating steaks and roasted joints of meat, declining to have proper time with the children, whilst we wait for the financial details to be clarified.
I just keep thinking that hideous though this is, the alternative of staying married was completely intolerable, and this can't last forever.
I know it sounds sappy but i try to count my blessings, some days that would be something as small as i had 2 hours in the kitchen whilst he was out!

@onlymeeeeee - I know exactly what you mean! having some peace just to cook the kids a meal the other day felt like a treat!!. Also really struggling not to get drawn into the "parenting competition" game. You know - Daddy takes the kids out for treats everytime its his alone time with them..... so when Mummy sits down and says "spelling practise" time suddenly I'm the boring parent. Just refusing to get drawn into it at the moment. I'm not going to try and be someone I'm not for the sake of showing off for the childrens benefit.

I’m in the middle of this too - it’s an amicable split, DS knows, I just want my own space now! We need to hold on for financial reasons, but I really want to move on, have my own place etc.

Nice to have some support I have 5 children and the decision to leave is mine so I have guilt and shame although his behaviour has been eye opening since I said I wasn't happy but like you guys we have to live together it's like living in limbo and hell slash a student house (I'm in with 2 of my children in a single bed) he is messy and untidy but untill anything moves forward I'm stuck.

Agree on the competition thing like holidays he took them to Disney (best holiday EVER!!!!!) My mum paid for us to go to centre parks (also now best holiday ever) where will this end!?

Fear of this phase has had me keeping the peace for ages now . Until last night. So, for me the ball has just started but I know it's going to be bad. A baby and a toddler and a controlling unreasonable arse of a husband

Same here it's so so scary and unknown ! I had 35 counclling sessions with relate on my own it was £25 each and they can do over the phone I would strongly suggest it to support you I really needed them and I massively benefited also there is a book called "you were not born to suffer" it's amazing it gives you the go ahead to be happy please read x

Blossom you've made me feel better! I was referred to counselling after my second child but passed on to relate as it was clearly my relationship causing the problem. I've had about 4 sessions with relate on my own, I wondered if that was a bit odd . It's really helping.

I was desperate quite literally hit rock bottom and wanted to be sectioned (can't see they do this for stress!) However having the weekly sessions was a totally private thing where you can say anything. I liked the lady she wasn't judgy just really nice and understanding !!! I've only just filled for the divorce waiting for him to get a letter and it's so horrible as we are in the same house ! Think this is the single hardest thing ever. However not making a decision is worse I set my self a time frame from Xmas last year to sep to make it !

@Blossom5 I’m actually completing my forms at the moment so it’s all too painful. I’ve not gone for counselling yet but feel perhaps I should. Until now I’ve just been holding it all in. Christmas is such an important part of our family life like most I suspect, this year it will not be the same and I’m sad for the girl more than anything. Sending you all stay strong vibes xx

Thank you too I know Xmas is looming and I'm terrified ! I've already put the tree up so I could do it with the children !!!!! I sometimes (often) worry my life won't be ok but counclling helps x

to you all. Its tortue isnt it..

blossom 5 what version of that book, amazon shows 2 by the same author, thanks

Get the longer one there is a short one and long one I'm reading it again for the 2nd time it's really good !!!!!! Did you go to a solicitor or are you doing it all your self ?

Thanks

Just keep swimming. That's all there is to it, you will get there. For me personally work is my lifesaver, I can literally forget everything else when I work. I also make myself go swimming 2-3 times a week, it really sorts out my head. I had counselling weekly for 4 months, it really helped me, and when I stopped, I was ready to stop.

I agree with all of that .... I have stopped counclling now as felt ready but now and again I'll have an emergency one. You can get a nhs referal just may take a while. Exercise helps and eating well x

I’ve got a husband who seems to be clinging onto dear life and thinks “we can hit reset” and start again. Completely delusional so it’s hard to be amicable because I don’t want to give him false hope, so this in between stage is quite unbearable at the moment. I had hoped he’d move but I don’t think he will. I’ve just booked 3 tickers to the US to stay with friends over Christmas and New Year (taking the girls). Can’t come round quick enough!

I've got the added complications of a "friend" trying to persuade me to move myself and the children out by telling me how much psychological harm I am doing to my children by staying here. I have had legal advice that he should leave, amongst 101 other reasons. I feel bullied by my "friend" which does not help my coping skills.