Access and travel arrangements

[DuchessMinnie]

Does anyone know where I stand with this? I have been divorced for several years. The contact order was agreed with exH having the children 10 nights a month. This worked well for a couple of years then last year he moved in with his girlfriend who lives 70 miles away, 1.5 hours each way on the M25 on a good day, without Friday night delays in the dartford tunnel. He reduced his contact time to every other Friday and Saturday nights, total of 4 nights a month.

He has been less and less willing to have the children and a 50% share of the summer holidays turned into 3 nights for him and 6 weeks for me. We both work full time.

I've just had a message from him that he thinks it would be fairer if I helped with the travel so I should do one of the pick-ups or drop-offs each month. I really, really can't do this. I am breaking point with juggling school, work etc already and my 4 child-free nights are precious in that I can work late without rushing home and I can meet friends, go swimming and take time for me that I never get usually. If I spend 3 hours on the m25 delivering the children to him that's basically my whole evening gone. I'd rather take my children out bowling for 3 hours and miss out on child-free time than sit on the m25!

He is a bit of a bully and his girlfriend has also made it clear that she hates him doing the travel. Does anyone know where I stand with this? Can he insist that I drop the children off? What happens if I refuse?

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you all for replying, I really appreciate it. Keeponworking that wording is brilliant, thank you- much more articulate than what's going through my head at the moment!

I will collect them today as I promised I would- don't want to antagonise him. I'll speak to a solicitor this week to see if there's a letter I could send to reiterate the offer I've made and make it clear that further texts/emails from him or his gf will be considered harassment. I am nervous of my phone bleeping at the moment- I have blocked his gf now but can't really block him.

I will take advice on withdrawing contact until a solution is found. There's a huge back story here- the gf wouldn't let the DC stay in the house this time last year, she actually threw them and XH out one Friday evening and they spent the weekend in a premier inn. I almost withdrew contact back in February because of all the drama. XH moved out then moved back in with her, she hates him visiting my house so part of this is trying to keep the DCs' collection to her own house so XH can't talk about her. Sorry to drop feed- just it is pretty outing for me.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

Regarding email - set up a new account and keep it ringfenced for ex and any contact/financial arrangements. Check it a couple of times per week. You can then block him on your daily email.

For the phone - if you are getting too many texts then again get a new phone, new number and let him have that. ideally you need to keep the text messages to show patterns, frequency etc. Tell him you have changed your number.

Both of these steps make it clear to a court that you are not blocking communication - they seem obsessed with this. But you are not having that dread everytime you see an email with their details on.

If you let them know that you are bothered by their communication I think it will get ramped up. Practice grey stone - boring dull uninteresting. So keep any correspondence very factual. I got to the point where every issue would go in a separate email (not all at the same time) so that I could get closure on some of the issues. Again the family court will take little to no notice of any lack of co-operation.

(This advice comes from Womens Aid and is to help people who have left abusive relationships be able to move on in their lives without interference).

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you CMSI, that's a good idea and a useful insight. I never expected to be still arguing 5 years after we separated but this site is a complete godsend.

[RandomMess]

I just feel like saying FFS because all of this seems to be stemming from his GF need for drama. If she's so bothered about you potentially speaking to him why doesn't she do the journey!!!

Do you think this is about her issue with you, or does she have a problem with the DC as well?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I was the one who moved 150 mikes away, to be nearer family. I felt big guilt so I ended up doing 80% of the travel, rising to 100%.

But you know what? I was a fool. Ended up exhausting myself, with little money, but still doing all the parenting and trying to squeeze in work too.

Did my Ex appreciate it? No. He's an asshole. Did it for 12 years! Now I've stopped. Because the more I gave, the more demanding he got. He would change times, much up schedules, not be there, moan, tell our child I'd taken him away and wasn't I horrible.

So my advice, no! Don't do a single thing for your Ex. He's let you down, the kids down, reduced contact. He's not reasonable, he's an entitled child man. Stick to your guns. I actually wish I had and we'd gone to court, as I think they would be fairer and in your case would set up a regular contact schedule.

[DuchessMinnie]

Banana I'm sorry you've been through this- it's awful isn't it. I do think the courts couldn't be less fair than my ex so I think yep, bring it on when he threatens court.

Random, oh yes, the gf has jealousy issues with me (no justification) and the DC. But I hate blaming another woman for him being so pathetic- he should stand up to her. I wouldn't dream of interfering with my DP's time with his DC but then he wouldn't tolerate it if I did.

Right, I'm off to get petrol and get on the M25... will collect them today then will tell him I am not able to do it again and see what he chooses to do.

[RandomMess]

Yep he is pathetic!!!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I know, my Exes GF is supposedly the nicest ever and yet despite all the whinging and put downs from my Ex about lack of time with his son, how much he missed him, he let his GF cancel with 1 hour notice a weekend that I'd moved heaven and earth for - booked expensive train tickets to accommodate times suitable for them, turned down a best friends weekend... etc

Reason that his GF wanted Ex to help her with work and DS would be in the way.

So yes that's when I started to think, I'm such a mug! We are the resident parents, let's just do that job as best we can. It's quite a big responsibility as it is! Good luck OP I think the courts would be fairer.

[wannabestressfree]

I am still doing this bollocks down the line! Grrrr