Access and travel arrangements

[DuchessMinnie]

Does anyone know where I stand with this? I have been divorced for several years. The contact order was agreed with exH having the children 10 nights a month. This worked well for a couple of years then last year he moved in with his girlfriend who lives 70 miles away, 1.5 hours each way on the M25 on a good day, without Friday night delays in the dartford tunnel. He reduced his contact time to every other Friday and Saturday nights, total of 4 nights a month.

He has been less and less willing to have the children and a 50% share of the summer holidays turned into 3 nights for him and 6 weeks for me. We both work full time.

I've just had a message from him that he thinks it would be fairer if I helped with the travel so I should do one of the pick-ups or drop-offs each month. I really, really can't do this. I am breaking point with juggling school, work etc already and my 4 child-free nights are precious in that I can work late without rushing home and I can meet friends, go swimming and take time for me that I never get usually. If I spend 3 hours on the m25 delivering the children to him that's basically my whole evening gone. I'd rather take my children out bowling for 3 hours and miss out on child-free time than sit on the m25!

He is a bit of a bully and his girlfriend has also made it clear that she hates him doing the travel. Does anyone know where I stand with this? Can he insist that I drop the children off? What happens if I refuse?

[wannabestressfree]

I am still doing this bollocks down the line! Grrrr

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I know, my Exes GF is supposedly the nicest ever and yet despite all the whinging and put downs from my Ex about lack of time with his son, how much he missed him, he let his GF cancel with 1 hour notice a weekend that I'd moved heaven and earth for - booked expensive train tickets to accommodate times suitable for them, turned down a best friends weekend... etc

Reason that his GF wanted Ex to help her with work and DS would be in the way.

So yes that's when I started to think, I'm such a mug! We are the resident parents, let's just do that job as best we can. It's quite a big responsibility as it is! Good luck OP I think the courts would be fairer.

[RandomMess]

Yep he is pathetic!!!

[DuchessMinnie]

Banana I'm sorry you've been through this- it's awful isn't it. I do think the courts couldn't be less fair than my ex so I think yep, bring it on when he threatens court.

Random, oh yes, the gf has jealousy issues with me (no justification) and the DC. But I hate blaming another woman for him being so pathetic- he should stand up to her. I wouldn't dream of interfering with my DP's time with his DC but then he wouldn't tolerate it if I did.

Right, I'm off to get petrol and get on the M25... will collect them today then will tell him I am not able to do it again and see what he chooses to do.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I was the one who moved 150 mikes away, to be nearer family. I felt big guilt so I ended up doing 80% of the travel, rising to 100%.

But you know what? I was a fool. Ended up exhausting myself, with little money, but still doing all the parenting and trying to squeeze in work too.

Did my Ex appreciate it? No. He's an asshole. Did it for 12 years! Now I've stopped. Because the more I gave, the more demanding he got. He would change times, much up schedules, not be there, moan, tell our child I'd taken him away and wasn't I horrible.

So my advice, no! Don't do a single thing for your Ex. He's let you down, the kids down, reduced contact. He's not reasonable, he's an entitled child man. Stick to your guns. I actually wish I had and we'd gone to court, as I think they would be fairer and in your case would set up a regular contact schedule.

[RandomMess]

I just feel like saying FFS because all of this seems to be stemming from his GF need for drama. If she's so bothered about you potentially speaking to him why doesn't she do the journey!!!

Do you think this is about her issue with you, or does she have a problem with the DC as well?

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you CMSI, that's a good idea and a useful insight. I never expected to be still arguing 5 years after we separated but this site is a complete godsend.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

Regarding email - set up a new account and keep it ringfenced for ex and any contact/financial arrangements. Check it a couple of times per week. You can then block him on your daily email.

For the phone - if you are getting too many texts then again get a new phone, new number and let him have that. ideally you need to keep the text messages to show patterns, frequency etc. Tell him you have changed your number.

Both of these steps make it clear to a court that you are not blocking communication - they seem obsessed with this. But you are not having that dread everytime you see an email with their details on.

If you let them know that you are bothered by their communication I think it will get ramped up. Practice grey stone - boring dull uninteresting. So keep any correspondence very factual. I got to the point where every issue would go in a separate email (not all at the same time) so that I could get closure on some of the issues. Again the family court will take little to no notice of any lack of co-operation.

(This advice comes from Womens Aid and is to help people who have left abusive relationships be able to move on in their lives without interference).

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you all for replying, I really appreciate it. Keeponworking that wording is brilliant, thank you- much more articulate than what's going through my head at the moment!

I will collect them today as I promised I would- don't want to antagonise him. I'll speak to a solicitor this week to see if there's a letter I could send to reiterate the offer I've made and make it clear that further texts/emails from him or his gf will be considered harassment. I am nervous of my phone bleeping at the moment- I have blocked his gf now but can't really block him.

I will take advice on withdrawing contact until a solution is found. There's a huge back story here- the gf wouldn't let the DC stay in the house this time last year, she actually threw them and XH out one Friday evening and they spent the weekend in a premier inn. I almost withdrew contact back in February because of all the drama. XH moved out then moved back in with her, she hates him visiting my house so part of this is trying to keep the DCs' collection to her own house so XH can't talk about her. Sorry to drop feed- just it is pretty outing for me.

[wannabestressfree]

He is an arse. Ignore ignore ignore!! You have been more than accommodating.

[PixieChemist]

I'm so sorry OP. That's so shitty of him

[keeponworking]

The court wouldn't be minded for you to enter into a journey agreement that had your children up too late for their ages.

Remember, court is all about 'what's best for the children' and you have to frame everything you say or suggest, towards that (and that only).

So for example, whilst the courts don't particularly care about your time, you could say "Well, X's child support accounts for (guessing here) 15% of my income, the other 85% comes from what I earn. To obtain this income requires me to work full time in a quite demanding job which involves a long commute and constant use of a nanny for my childcare needs (I do not have other support to draw upon). Not only does this mean that I would not be able to drop the children off at a time that aligns to their current bedtimes but I would be concerned about being too tired to drive safely especially with them in car, in the scenario proposed by X. Since my X moved away he has reduced term time contact by 50% (again, can't be doing with working this out but you get the drift) against my wishes and the best intersts of the children, and reduced summer holiday contact from 30% of the school holidays to 5% which has had a detrimental effect on both children who now have to attend more non-maternal, non-family childcare rather than being able to spend time with their mother or father. When you advised him that it was not practical for you to do this journey and therefore had to refuse this proposal, he advised his preference was to not see the children. It should be noted that the X chose to move away geographically further from his children and as non resident parent currently only needing to service 4 days a month of contact, for the benefit of all parties concerned, the responsibility for supporting regular contact with the children needs to be actively managed by X. [then if you were happy to do so, you could show how fantastically accommodating you are and throw this lifeline if you think it's something you could do] I would however be more than happy in school holidays only to make mutually agreeable arrangements to drop the children to X on a non working day and to pick them up from a half way point when they are due to come back so long as this was also on a non working day and agreed in advance. I trust further demonstrates my genuine willingness to do everything possible to support regular contact".

[RandomMess]

I think worst of all is the bleating about CM increasing. He doesn't want any of the responsibility does he? No financial responsibility, no time responsibility, no holiday responsibility...

I do wonder if he's actually very weak as well - gf nags in his ear about the above, he feels emasculated so bullies you increasingly to feel the power. Not exactly a decent role model for the DC.

Presumably he has the DC now? Please do not cave and go pick them up. He isn't going to keep them because he won't want the cost or hassle of getting them childcare or to school tomorrow.

Remember you have the original signed off contact agreement...

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you all, I feel better reading your replies.

Thank you so much to the PP who posted train journeys- Stratford would be 3 trains each way for me so bit keen but thank you for helping.

Will come back later, need to think x

[danTDM]

I agree, he is setting demands that he doesn't want you to meet. More and more unreasonable.

[AndersArms]

A late comer to this thread but think you should do what RandomMess has suggested.

My DH is an NRP and moved 40 minutes away from where DSD. He has almost always done all of the travelling - I think the only time DSD's DM has done the journey was when DH broke his foot and couldn't drive, and that was one weekend in approx 8 years to date. He moved, he travels.

[MaybeDoctor]

Would this help at all:

Train to London Bridge
Jubilee line to Stratford
Stratford to wherever

Handovers at Stratford where there is Westfield, Cinema, Olympic park etc?

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

This really smacks of an abusive relationship, where he is now abusing you via the children. He will set demands each time that he doesnt really want you to meet; when you do he then changes again the demand to be more extreme. It is an escalation and is perhaps designed for you to respond adversely. I am not quite sure what his end goal would be. After all if he applied for full residency the children would have to be uprooted - I cant see any court agreeing to that. But the family courts are absolutely blind to this type of abuse - in fact incompetently so.

I am curious about how others would deal with the new g/f or partners getting involved. I sadly have that in my situation where a bad situation is escalated due to the third party.

[danTDM]

I think you need to accept he can't be arsed and I think you need to focus on helping your DC come to terms with the reality that he can't be arsed

This, totally, exactly what I think too Random but you put it better.

[danTDM]

Oh dear God, my feeling is that he is going to make it impossible for you whatever you do.

I'd stop all contact. I know this is almost impossible but I would.
I would also tell my children calmly, that papa can't pick them up and bring them back so they will be staying with you until he can. But you're going to do lots of fun things.

This stinks OP
I am actually really depressed on your behalf. Unbelievable.

[RandomMess]

He's a shit.

I think you need to reply "I was prepared to go above and beyond my responsibility as RP for the DC sake and meet you at x despite the fact it would negatively impact on me. That is my final offer, I can't force you to see the DC they are already aware that you aren't putting much effort in as a parent and they are deeply hurt. I shall continue to keep your contact weekends free as per my responsibility"

I think you need to accept he can't be arsed and I think you need to focus on helping your DC come to terms with the reality that he can't be arsed

[DuchessMinnie]

Well, that lasted not even the first weekend. I've had bullying messages from him all day about how I misled him, he still wants me to do the full journey once a month and he can't reduce contact as he would have to pay more maintenance (I've not mentioned this). He claims to have misunderstood what I said on the phone, it's pretty awful. I have no idea where to go with this. I thought meeting somewhere 54 miles from me and 24 miles from him was really helpful. Really upset about this.

[DuchessMinnie]

Random, I know... :(

Heidi, you did and honestly, I am in no way in favour of either parent sitting back and letting the other do all the work. I am pleased with my decision but I do worry about how I'm going to fit in yet another duty when I feel at full capacity anyway. But, as PPs have said, if I don't then contact will reduce even further so I feel between a rock and a hard place. We will see...!

[heidiwine]

OP I gave you a tough time on this thread and I'm so pleased that some sort of compromise has been reached -your kids are the winners here and super lucky to have you as a mum.

[RandomMess]

Saddest of all is that your just delaying the inevitable I wonder if it's better to let it happen whilst they young enough for you to arrange counselling on their behalf rather than when emotionally vulnerable teens?