Access and travel arrangements

[DuchessMinnie]

Does anyone know where I stand with this? I have been divorced for several years. The contact order was agreed with exH having the children 10 nights a month. This worked well for a couple of years then last year he moved in with his girlfriend who lives 70 miles away, 1.5 hours each way on the M25 on a good day, without Friday night delays in the dartford tunnel. He reduced his contact time to every other Friday and Saturday nights, total of 4 nights a month.

He has been less and less willing to have the children and a 50% share of the summer holidays turned into 3 nights for him and 6 weeks for me. We both work full time.

I've just had a message from him that he thinks it would be fairer if I helped with the travel so I should do one of the pick-ups or drop-offs each month. I really, really can't do this. I am breaking point with juggling school, work etc already and my 4 child-free nights are precious in that I can work late without rushing home and I can meet friends, go swimming and take time for me that I never get usually. If I spend 3 hours on the m25 delivering the children to him that's basically my whole evening gone. I'd rather take my children out bowling for 3 hours and miss out on child-free time than sit on the m25!

He is a bit of a bully and his girlfriend has also made it clear that she hates him doing the travel. Does anyone know where I stand with this? Can he insist that I drop the children off? What happens if I refuse?

[heidiwine]

Shame for the children (who are gutted) because their parents can't work together to get some sort of a compromise that works well for them.
Suggest:
Meet half way by train (no dartford traffic)
Meet at a mutually convenient station in London
You pick up he drops off
You do both one weekend he does both the other

Posters are right that the kids will realise in the end (this applies to both parents - the one that can't be arsed to pick them up and drop them off and the one that refused to yield or help facilitate any relationship)...

[DuchessMinnie]

Seems like you know a lot about my situation Heidiwine?

[RandomMess]

So the NRP can drop contact, move away and as well as resident looking after theDC 90% of the time they should also give up their little free time to do NRP travelling as well further taking over responsibility for the NRP as well - hmm...

Where is the NRP working with the other parent to SHARE 100% of the responsibility for the day to day care of the children????

[DuchessMinnie]

Exactly Ranfom. I'm at breaking point now. I only just manage to keep everyone organised, fed and looked after as it is. It might be different if the had family close by but I just don't. I do have a stressful job but it pays well so keeps us all in comfort. Anyway, his gf has got involved now and is threatening court so we'll see what happens next.

[RandomMess]

So he's broken the court order and now taking you to court...

"My Lord I want to reduce contact from 10 to 2 nights per month and ex to do 50% of the travel"

Really going to look good isn't it...

[donners312]

Duchess- everyone goes on about 'oh it doesn't look good in court etc), breaking court orders or whatever but IME the court order don't care and won't do anything about 'bad' behaviour or whatever anyway.

Just do what suits you and he can either do it or not - what are the court going to do either way? Nothing probably.

It's not nice for the children to realize he is a twat but you can't make him be a Dad or make the effort to see them if he oldest want to.

[Zampa]

I'm with @heidiwine. I see no reason why parents can't share travel arrangements (especially doing half each) or reach some kind of compromise.

As for breaching court orders, IME this can have serious consequences, such as strengthening the hand of a parent applying for full custody because of parental alienation.

[DuchessMinnie]

There is no court order- just the statement of arrangements which was broken within the first year but is not binding anyway.

To the posters who think I should share travel arrangements, can I ask why exactly? I'm genuinely interested. He has 4 days a month of being a parent- the rest of the time he's free to manage his time as he needs to- he can choose to work more hours or he can choose to use the time to get fit or do a hobby, or he can simply relax in front of the telly. Why is it unreasonable to expect him to travel on his 4 contact days a month? I have no such luxury of being able to relax and plan my time, and I have to drive them everywhere on my own contact days.

As for court, actually bring it on. I still have no idea if he intends to have them over October half term, let alone Christmas. I cannot make any arrangements as I have no idea if he'll stick to his contact days- it's been less than 50% reliability this year. So at least a court order might dictate that we agree school holiday splits at the beginning of the year. And if a judge thinks I should do the travel in addition to everything else then so be it, but I'm not giving in to bullying and insulting messages from him and his gf which is what I've had this week.

[danTDM]

He sees them 4 days a month, 4 days a month! That is the ONLY time *OP gets for herself.

So she should spend this ferrying the children to facilitate the DP? I don't think so.

As she said earlier, easier to take them bowling with her or something.

Stick to your guns OP.

My DH (still married but live apart), gets DD ONCE a week. He picks her up and drops her off, otherwise my 24 hours would be severly diminished.

Like OP, I bet she is catching up on washing, shopping and cleaning in this time anyway.
Some of you have no idea.
4 days a MONTH

[DuchessMinnie]

Exactly that! I clean their rooms, wash everything in sight and have uniforms, packed lunches, PE and swimming kits sort led fir the week. I do all the bits I can't do when I have them- get my hair coloured, catch up on work and clean the house. But, as my xh's gf reminded me in a rather patronising text this week, courts don't care about the RP's "free" time and I made a choice to be the RP. And there it is, this is what's wrong with the divorce system.

[danTDM]

Yes OP I understand totally. All the bloody kit, uniform,packed lunch stuff, tidying house etc.

Sorry I meant EXDH not DP

[DuchessMinnie]

Hahaha yes definitely ex! Actually Dan it can't be easy for him either. I mean he has to go away oh long, child-free weekends every other month- he's been to New York, France, UK... it must be a struggle... I really must try to be more accommodating.

[heidiwine]

You asked:
Why is it unreasonable to expect him to travel on his 4 contact days a month?

My view is that he is being totally unreasonable and refusing to see them if you don't do half is pretty crap behaviour. BUT by your own admission the kids were gutted and that's why I think you should do as much as you can to facilitate a relationship with their Dad. It's not easy, it's not fair and it's a pain in the arse for you BUT my personal view is that the kids should see their dad and that you should do all you can to help (however challenging that is). If that means driving them to Kent twice a month then I think you should do it but attempt a compromise that suits you better (not sure why the train can't be used...).

[RandomMess]

What happens when the Ex turns around and says he'll only see them if Op does all the travelling? When does the emotional blackmail stop????

[heidiwine]

Then the OP sends a formal letter saying she won't do it and asks him for a compromise in the interest of the children.
Now he's asking her to share the travel and I don't think that's an unreasonable request (I also think that if he was a half way decent person he'd do the travelling).

[DuchessMinnie]

Heidi thanks for your reply. It's not Kent, it's Essex. There's no train the I can see and part of the issue is that he and his gf have been very prescriptive in telling me what time I should arrive to pick them up- after 18.00. This is because he deserves 2 full days with the DC.

It really is a hideous journey- it's 3.5 hours there and back, I physically can't fit it in and it would mean the children getting home late on a Sunday. Yes, it might be a stretch for him but then he has 2 weeks to himself to recover.

[donners312]

Just don't do it, don't feel guilty about it either.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Good for you. Asking the RP to do this for a weekend is not on IMHO, especially if they were the one who moved away

Can you tell him that you are willing to drop off for any period that he has them for a minimum stretch of 7 nights?

[PixieChemist]

I think you should share travel. I think it's inevitable in a lot of cases that one or the other parent will move away from each other, be that jobs, partners, family etc.

I think if you had moved OP you'd expect him to share travel. So from that point of view i do think you should share it. It's also inevitable that contact will reduce when one parent moves. It's just not feasible to do that sort of travel so often.

[thegirlupnorth]

Were you married to my ex, I could have written this.

If he can't do the journey he knew he would have to do when moving why did he move

If he wants more time why is he reducing his weekends

Email back, confirm what the pre move arrangements were and state you are happy to continue as you were and you are sad for the children that him moving away means he is voluntarily seeing them less.

Confirm that as much as you'd like to be able to help you don't have the capacity to support him with any travel arrangements for the children.

Also ask him to confirm in writing four weeks before October half term and Christmas what contact he want with the DC

Keep all contact civil, unemotional and factual.

He won't go to court!

[QuiteLikely5]

What a loser.

I would offer to meet half way. Only because it would be valuable to the children.

I'd do it for them not him - only if he saw them more regularly though.

[DuchessMinnie]

Thanks everyone, you've all been really helpful x

Still ignoring the demands from him and his gf at the moment but will speak to him during the week and see if I can pick them up halfway in return for him agreeing the school holiday split for the coming school year. Even if he doesn't want them that much at least I'll know and be able to plan flights/accommodation for the holidays I want.

Really appreciate the views, even the ones saying I should share travel.

[PixieChemist]

Duchess out of interest if it was you that had moved, would you still be saying he should do all the travelling?

[DuchessMinnie]

Pixie,no- if I moved I'd expect to do my share of travelling- I'd probably suggest I covered whatever was an addition caused by my move if that makes sense.

[DuchessMinnie]

Just tried explain that further Pixie, before he moved there was no travel on a Sunday evening. He picked them up after school on either a Thursday or a Friday, alternate weeks, then dropped them back to school on the Monday. This was in our statement of arrangements, not that that means anything.

When he moved it meant a reduction from 10 to 4 nights and travel had to be on a Sunday as it's impractical to do it on Mondays. Having said that, I've always told him when the children have inset days on a Monday and he hasn't yet taken the opportunity to keep them another night.

If I had done all of that and had also reduced the maintenance then yes, absolutely I would be happy to take the inconvenience myself rather than add yet another demand on the other parent's time and finances.