Access and travel arrangements

[DuchessMinnie]

Does anyone know where I stand with this? I have been divorced for several years. The contact order was agreed with exH having the children 10 nights a month. This worked well for a couple of years then last year he moved in with his girlfriend who lives 70 miles away, 1.5 hours each way on the M25 on a good day, without Friday night delays in the dartford tunnel. He reduced his contact time to every other Friday and Saturday nights, total of 4 nights a month.

He has been less and less willing to have the children and a 50% share of the summer holidays turned into 3 nights for him and 6 weeks for me. We both work full time.

I've just had a message from him that he thinks it would be fairer if I helped with the travel so I should do one of the pick-ups or drop-offs each month. I really, really can't do this. I am breaking point with juggling school, work etc already and my 4 child-free nights are precious in that I can work late without rushing home and I can meet friends, go swimming and take time for me that I never get usually. If I spend 3 hours on the m25 delivering the children to him that's basically my whole evening gone. I'd rather take my children out bowling for 3 hours and miss out on child-free time than sit on the m25!

He is a bit of a bully and his girlfriend has also made it clear that she hates him doing the travel. Does anyone know where I stand with this? Can he insist that I drop the children off? What happens if I refuse?

[DuchessMinnie]

Aargh my phone and auto-correct. Please forgive any random words, I'm actually quite literate.

[wannabestressfree]

I am in a similar situation. Exh still refuses to confirm any holiday dates and significantly under pays his maintenance and it drives me mad. Our son is 13 and wants to plan his weekends/ half terms etc. I cannot force him to be a good parent though- I can't plan anything nor book holidays. Drives.me.mad.

[DuchessMinnie]

Just to update- after patronising messages from XH's gf telling me I chose to be the RP so I can't whinge about having to do everything, I spoke to XH. I have agreed a compromise- if he makes more effort to plan holiday dates- have now agreed oct/Dec/Feb split- AND tells his gf this is nothing to do with her then I will drive halfway to collect the children whoever I can- we've agreed a point 1 hour drive from me for this weekend.

DP thinks I've given in to the bullying but I've done it for the DC and not for XH.

Thanks again for all the views x

[RandomMess]

I understand why you agreed but I would worry that they are going to bully you increasingly and then a precedence is set...

Nightmare isn't!

[PixieChemist]

She's being an idiot OP and I think you should ignore her. Whilst I do think you should share, what she said is bullshit. Just because you're RP (for whatever reasons) it doesn't mean you should do all the travelling! It sounds like you come to a reasonable compromise. Hopefully it works out for you all.

Tbh the gf shouldn't even be contacting you. In the whole time DP and I have been together I've only ever had it out with his ex twice and that's because she was kicking off in my living room being totally unreasonable and upsetting poor DSD. It's reasonable for the gf to bring up issues with your XH and it could be seen as reasonable for him to agree with her, and then it could be seen as reasonable for him to bring it up with you. But she has no right to bring it up with you directly.

[DuchessMinnie]

I know Random but honestly I couldn't look the DC in the eye and say their dad can't have them this weekend- they've been let down so many times before. DP agrees with you that they will push for more but at least any court will see that I have done my best to accommodate. It's bloody awful though, isn't it.

Don't get me started on the gf, she has jealousy issues (no reason) and is very quick to contact me but I refuse to discuss parenting issues with her.

[burntoutmum]

I share travelling with my EX - 100 miles round trip. I was advised that I didn't have to do it, all was expected of me was to make sure DS was available for contact. I share as I know ex would very quickly have given up on contact ( he's got abit better but used to say that DS was an inconvenience when he was tiny ) , so for DS's sake I helped.

The main reason I was told I wasn't expected to help was due to Ex being the one who moved away. Had it have been me who moved I would have been expected to help.

OP- as for your Ex demanding you leave at a certain time to ensure he gets a full day ( leaving you to travel home late?!), is he having a joke?!

[MrsBertBibby]

Good work OP. Your kids are lucky to have such a great mum.

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you Mrs :)

Burnt out yep same here- contact will be dropped to the bare minimum if I don't as he won't take me to court. When the DC are older maybe it'll be different but at the moment I need them to see their dad as the fallout when they don't is upsetting.

[RandomMess]

Saddest of all is that your just delaying the inevitable I wonder if it's better to let it happen whilst they young enough for you to arrange counselling on their behalf rather than when emotionally vulnerable teens?

[heidiwine]

OP I gave you a tough time on this thread and I'm so pleased that some sort of compromise has been reached -your kids are the winners here and super lucky to have you as a mum.

[DuchessMinnie]

Random, I know... :(

Heidi, you did and honestly, I am in no way in favour of either parent sitting back and letting the other do all the work. I am pleased with my decision but I do worry about how I'm going to fit in yet another duty when I feel at full capacity anyway. But, as PPs have said, if I don't then contact will reduce even further so I feel between a rock and a hard place. We will see...!

[DuchessMinnie]

Well, that lasted not even the first weekend. I've had bullying messages from him all day about how I misled him, he still wants me to do the full journey once a month and he can't reduce contact as he would have to pay more maintenance (I've not mentioned this). He claims to have misunderstood what I said on the phone, it's pretty awful. I have no idea where to go with this. I thought meeting somewhere 54 miles from me and 24 miles from him was really helpful. Really upset about this.

[RandomMess]

He's a shit.

I think you need to reply "I was prepared to go above and beyond my responsibility as RP for the DC sake and meet you at x despite the fact it would negatively impact on me. That is my final offer, I can't force you to see the DC they are already aware that you aren't putting much effort in as a parent and they are deeply hurt. I shall continue to keep your contact weekends free as per my responsibility"

I think you need to accept he can't be arsed and I think you need to focus on helping your DC come to terms with the reality that he can't be arsed

[danTDM]

Oh dear God, my feeling is that he is going to make it impossible for you whatever you do.

I'd stop all contact. I know this is almost impossible but I would.
I would also tell my children calmly, that papa can't pick them up and bring them back so they will be staying with you until he can. But you're going to do lots of fun things.

This stinks OP
I am actually really depressed on your behalf. Unbelievable.

[danTDM]

I think you need to accept he can't be arsed and I think you need to focus on helping your DC come to terms with the reality that he can't be arsed

This, totally, exactly what I think too Random but you put it better.

[childmaintenanceserviceinquiry]

This really smacks of an abusive relationship, where he is now abusing you via the children. He will set demands each time that he doesnt really want you to meet; when you do he then changes again the demand to be more extreme. It is an escalation and is perhaps designed for you to respond adversely. I am not quite sure what his end goal would be. After all if he applied for full residency the children would have to be uprooted - I cant see any court agreeing to that. But the family courts are absolutely blind to this type of abuse - in fact incompetently so.

I am curious about how others would deal with the new g/f or partners getting involved. I sadly have that in my situation where a bad situation is escalated due to the third party.

[MaybeDoctor]

Would this help at all:

Train to London Bridge
Jubilee line to Stratford
Stratford to wherever

Handovers at Stratford where there is Westfield, Cinema, Olympic park etc?

[AndersArms]

A late comer to this thread but think you should do what RandomMess has suggested.

My DH is an NRP and moved 40 minutes away from where DSD. He has almost always done all of the travelling - I think the only time DSD's DM has done the journey was when DH broke his foot and couldn't drive, and that was one weekend in approx 8 years to date. He moved, he travels.

[danTDM]

I agree, he is setting demands that he doesn't want you to meet. More and more unreasonable.

[DuchessMinnie]

Thank you all, I feel better reading your replies.

Thank you so much to the PP who posted train journeys- Stratford would be 3 trains each way for me so bit keen but thank you for helping.

Will come back later, need to think x

[RandomMess]

I think worst of all is the bleating about CM increasing. He doesn't want any of the responsibility does he? No financial responsibility, no time responsibility, no holiday responsibility...

I do wonder if he's actually very weak as well - gf nags in his ear about the above, he feels emasculated so bullies you increasingly to feel the power. Not exactly a decent role model for the DC.

Presumably he has the DC now? Please do not cave and go pick them up. He isn't going to keep them because he won't want the cost or hassle of getting them childcare or to school tomorrow.

Remember you have the original signed off contact agreement...

[keeponworking]

The court wouldn't be minded for you to enter into a journey agreement that had your children up too late for their ages.

Remember, court is all about 'what's best for the children' and you have to frame everything you say or suggest, towards that (and that only).

So for example, whilst the courts don't particularly care about your time, you could say "Well, X's child support accounts for (guessing here) 15% of my income, the other 85% comes from what I earn. To obtain this income requires me to work full time in a quite demanding job which involves a long commute and constant use of a nanny for my childcare needs (I do not have other support to draw upon). Not only does this mean that I would not be able to drop the children off at a time that aligns to their current bedtimes but I would be concerned about being too tired to drive safely especially with them in car, in the scenario proposed by X. Since my X moved away he has reduced term time contact by 50% (again, can't be doing with working this out but you get the drift) against my wishes and the best intersts of the children, and reduced summer holiday contact from 30% of the school holidays to 5% which has had a detrimental effect on both children who now have to attend more non-maternal, non-family childcare rather than being able to spend time with their mother or father. When you advised him that it was not practical for you to do this journey and therefore had to refuse this proposal, he advised his preference was to not see the children. It should be noted that the X chose to move away geographically further from his children and as non resident parent currently only needing to service 4 days a month of contact, for the benefit of all parties concerned, the responsibility for supporting regular contact with the children needs to be actively managed by X. [then if you were happy to do so, you could show how fantastically accommodating you are and throw this lifeline if you think it's something you could do] I would however be more than happy in school holidays only to make mutually agreeable arrangements to drop the children to X on a non working day and to pick them up from a half way point when they are due to come back so long as this was also on a non working day and agreed in advance. I trust further demonstrates my genuine willingness to do everything possible to support regular contact".

[PixieChemist]

I'm so sorry OP. That's so shitty of him

[wannabestressfree]

He is an arse. Ignore ignore ignore!! You have been more than accommodating.